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Original poster

Eternally punished for cheating

129 replies

ScanScan · 25/04/2021 17:25

I have NC for this. I know Mumsnet hates cheaters and I'm the one that did in this situation. As with everything there are two sides and reasons etc which I won't bore you all with. I'm genuinely interested to know how people perceive this though and I'm sure I'll get some answers I won't like but every time we have a serious relationship issue or chat it always boils down to me being the "cheater" even if the issue discussing isn't to do with that. We're in a rough place and he's just said that I broke the trust so basically he's the better person over all. It's such a final response to the issue that I don't feel I have any comeback as my betrayal trump's any crap behaviour on his part. Is this fair? Should I always then end up to blame because of what I did years ago?

OP posts:
Ihatesalad · 25/04/2021 21:22

I’ve been on both sides of the coin OP. In my 1st marriage (and quite young) I was in exactly same position as you and did exactly the same thing. My H didn’t want to split but then started to do really nasty things, he also threatened the other mans property (smash a window etc) and asked about what we had got up to in bed sometimes . It culminated in him cutting the guys wedding 2 years later out the local paper and leaving it on the worktop for me. At that point I decided to leave, enough was enough . In this marriage I was the one crapped on, although I think only emotionally. I was very bad for about 3 months but since then it has very very rarely been mentioned— doesn’t mean I feel the same though if I’m honest or if I ever will fully trust again , I just decided for various reasons not to separate at the time. If I was you I would separate, I think it will always be there in the background , some people can get over things like this and some can in theory, but not in practice,

Rainandspirit · 25/04/2021 21:51

I am ur husband (kind of ) it’s been 2 years since I found out . I will admit the 1st 5/6 months is a daze but where the kids were at in school (starting exams ) I didn’t kick him out straight away. Tried to work it out. But for me it was never going to work. To start with he was sorry begged to stay together he would do anything bla bla bla. Turns out he didn’t want to talk about it and that know that I know I should be over it . I have asked him lots of times to leave but he keeps saying no he wants to make it work we might be ok for a few weeks but then he will say something or do something that brings it all back . Any way I can’t take it anymore. I know that I will NEVER trust him Amd can’t forgive him . He will not move out so I am moving out . Thankfully we have a house we rent out. I have given the tenants notice (an other injured party in all of this 😡) so hopefully come the summer I will be starting my new life .
If you husband keeps going over amd over it he is in a bad way and needs help. You have no idea what it does to our minds till you are in our shoes.

Pastryapronsucks · 25/04/2021 21:53

My partner cheated I forgave, but will never forget, when I feel vulnerable and hurt the pain returns, so for me it tends to be if we argue

Brockintheoven · 25/04/2021 21:55

This reply has been deleted

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gonnabeok · 25/04/2021 21:58

I think you need to leave and move on.The issue with cheaters is they weren't honest in the first place with their partners if they were unhappy normally and never gave the partner the chance to improve things.deceit is cruel.Unfortunately, tge hurt can run very deep and not all can forgive and forget.

Sounds like you're better off starting from scratch with someone new. A lesson learned.

Sparechange · 25/04/2021 22:01

Can I ask a question for all those saying ‘you have to forgive’

What does forgiving mean in this context?

I don’t mind that you did it? Let’s just pretend that it didn’t happen?

I can’t really understand why forgiveness is required in a situation like this. Doesn’t it just give a green light to go and do it again?

What is forgiveness saying here?

PanamaPattie · 25/04/2021 22:04

Why are you still together?

category12 · 25/04/2021 22:29

@Sparechange

Can I ask a question for all those saying ‘you have to forgive’

What does forgiving mean in this context?

I don’t mind that you did it? Let’s just pretend that it didn’t happen?

I can’t really understand why forgiveness is required in a situation like this. Doesn’t it just give a green light to go and do it again?

What is forgiveness saying here?

It means that after four years, you shouldn't keep throwing in the person's face every time you argue. It's toxic and unhealthy to use it as ammunition and to "win" and to make out that whatever you might have done it'll never be as bad as that. It's not a trump card to get you out of taking responsibility for your own faults.

If you decide to stay and work through it, it's a tough road and it's fair enough to need to talk about it occasionally and to ask for reassurance if you're having a wobble, but not to use it as a weapon whenever there's conflict.

Sparechange · 25/04/2021 22:36

Ok, but that’s what it shouldn’t mean

What does it mean to forgive?
Is it permission to do it again?

category12 · 25/04/2021 22:39

Of course not. It means that you're taking a chance on them not doing it again because you've jointly decided to try to make the relationship work.

Butwasitherdriveway · 25/04/2021 22:42

@Sparechange

Can I ask a question for all those saying ‘you have to forgive’

What does forgiving mean in this context?

I don’t mind that you did it? Let’s just pretend that it didn’t happen?

I can’t really understand why forgiveness is required in a situation like this. Doesn’t it just give a green light to go and do it again?

What is forgiveness saying here?

Well, what's the point in taking someone back if you're going to throw it at them every week?
Purplewithred · 25/04/2021 22:46

Why are you still together? Genuine question.

Clearly your relationship was in a bad place when you had your affair. I know the affair was a bad response - and I speak as one who did exactly what you did - but it was a response to something missing in your marriage, and you said ‘you probably should have walked away from them both’.

When my cheating came out I felt so guilty, such a bad person, but DH desperately wanted me to stay so I did, I felt I had to, and our circumstances meant leaving would have ruined a life-impacting investment we were just making. He did make some small changes that made the marriage less difficult and I bent over backwards to try to make it work. But at the end of the day I was miserable, our relationship was over and after two years I left.

So, do you think your relationship really has a future? If you hadn’t cheated would you still be together?

FWIW we have both remarried and are very happy in our new lives.

crackingcrackers · 25/04/2021 22:56

I dont think it's unreasonable for him to still feel hurt and want reassurance, even after four years. I genuinely do not belive that if you stay with a person who cheats you have to wipe the slate clean, that seems nuts. When someone else does something out of your control that hurts you, you continue to have no control over the circumstances where that hurt rears its head and knocks you back down. It takes you completely by surprise.

It does sound like he isn't right for you. Only you can know whether he is or not. Regardless of what he is like towards you (and I'm not saying anything you've written about him is untrue), the way you describe him isn't good. Which means you can't feel good about him. You wanted to leave before, you probably should now.

Pythone · 25/04/2021 23:02

The questioning was always late at night when I was exhausted (shift worker) and he would go over and over details until the early hours leaving me frazzled and I then had a long drive the next day but only two hours fretful sleep. He told me it was because he'd get the truth out of me so I could get some sleep.

I agree with the posters who are saying it might be worth thinking about ending it. There's no possible justification for the abusive behaviour you've described above, no matter what you've done. Do you think he'd let you leave safely (given the "knowing people who could hurt the OM" comments)? It sounds like a frightening and miserable situation.

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/04/2021 23:08

@Sparechange

Ok, but that’s what it shouldn’t mean

What does it mean to forgive?
Is it permission to do it again?

Interesting question! I had a quick google and some of the definitions thrown up were:

  • to cease to feel resentment against (an offender)

  • letting go of past grudges or lingering anger against a person or persons

  • verb. If you forgive someone who has done something bad or wrong, you stop being angry with them and no longer want to punish them.

I've heard it said that forgiveness is actually for the benefit of the forgiver, not the forgiven (which chimes with the above definitions). Presumably because holding anger and resentment is no way to live. Also that forgiveness is not possible unless the person who is being forgiven is genuinely sorry for the hurt they caused.

So no, it is not 'permission to do it again'. It is a way to move on from the hurt, to put it behind you. There is no forgiveness here Sad, only a desire to continue punishing the OP. The relationship is dead because the resentment and anger are still alive.

Original poster
ScanScan · 26/04/2021 00:08

@dontdoubtyourself i haven't looked up Esther Perel yet (I don't know who she is sorry) but I haven't said I'm not to blame for what I did but I don't get your point of saying he was the baddie? I'm not going to go round telling people if we split he was the baddie... Do people do that? If he wants to say that about me then fine but I won't be doing the same I'm not 12.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScanScan · 26/04/2021 00:11

To those who asked I answered all questions, multiple times over the years and I would continue to do so but these arguments aren't about what i did but end that way instead.

OP posts:
PerveenMistry · 26/04/2021 00:28

He's an abusive asshole.

You need to move on.

JackieTheFart · 26/04/2021 00:54

So you cheated because he was awful, somehow ended up back with him, and now want to know why he uses this as a stick to beat you with, over and over again?

Girl, he’s still awful. He didn’t magically become nice because he was the injured party. Sure, you cheated on him. But that doesn’t mean you owe him - or anyone - eternal penance.

Split with him and start afresh with someone new.

MrsMaizel · 26/04/2021 00:54

Ah 4 years but you think it is time for him to be over it and it not to rear its head ? Of course you do as you were the one who inflicted all the pain . If he has any sense he will leave .

Bythemillpond · 26/04/2021 01:54

Sounds like he would be doing op a favour if he did leave.
He was in contact with his ex. I wonder if this isn't all a deflection from his behaviour.

SarahBellam · 26/04/2021 02:52

Even if you take the cheating out of the equation it still sounds like a shitty relationship. Why are you still there?

Tavannach · 26/04/2021 03:16

I think it’s time to move on. It’s not working for you and it’s not working for him.
He sounds quite controlling so I wouldn’t discuss this with him, I’d just go. You don’t mention children so I assume that you can go relatively easily.

AgentJohnson · 26/04/2021 06:15

The price for being in a relationship with him is this. Guilt is keeping you with him and retribution is his ‘reason’ for staying. Life’s too short for this toxic bulshit. Leave already!

joystir59 · 26/04/2021 06:28

It sounds as if you might benefit by leaving him and being on your own for quite a while, develop your own life, career, interests, friendships. You might also benefit from some counselling to help you work through the mental and emotional fallout of separation.

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