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Original poster

Eternally punished for cheating

129 replies

ScanScan · 25/04/2021 17:25

I have NC for this. I know Mumsnet hates cheaters and I'm the one that did in this situation. As with everything there are two sides and reasons etc which I won't bore you all with. I'm genuinely interested to know how people perceive this though and I'm sure I'll get some answers I won't like but every time we have a serious relationship issue or chat it always boils down to me being the "cheater" even if the issue discussing isn't to do with that. We're in a rough place and he's just said that I broke the trust so basically he's the better person over all. It's such a final response to the issue that I don't feel I have any comeback as my betrayal trump's any crap behaviour on his part. Is this fair? Should I always then end up to blame because of what I did years ago?

OP posts:
BuckysArm · 25/04/2021 18:12

Is he using it in a he can do whatever he wants or say anything say because you did something worse? It’s not a get out of jail free card for him - you’re either working through it together, committed to the future, or you’re not. Either he brings it up because he doesn’t trust you, or he brings it up as a weapon. Either way, the relationship can’t work like that.

Tambora · 25/04/2021 18:15

when he starts his lines of questioning again it worries me what he might do as he threatened a lot of things

What do you mean by lines of questioning, and in what way has he threatened you?

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 25/04/2021 18:19

He either forgives and moves on or you seperate op.

Sounds like you are at the cross roads point so it would be a discussion you guys need to have.

Personally if my dh cheated on me I would have to walk away as I would never ever be able to forgive or forget.
Sounds harsh but that's just me.
And my dh would be the same.

As much as you love someone it doesn't always mean it's right to stay together if there's always goi g to be resentment and anger

Tomyoneandonly · 25/04/2021 18:19

Some people can't get over the betrayal that cheating can cause. If I was you I would leave. I can't get over being cheated on 15years ago it still goes on in my mind . Self doubts I wasn't good enough ect. Your dh may have had good intentions on forgiveness although cheaters cannot be forgiven by the person they deceived.

BillMasheen · 25/04/2021 18:20

I think the issue is not that hes not ‘over it‘. That takes as long as it takes. The problem is that is is his trump card to shut the OP down every time he hears something the doesn’t want to.

If it’s still raw for him, then he needs to sort counselling, individual or joint. Then make a decision to commit or walk away. And the decision to commit doesn’t necessarily mean he can’t ever discuss again, but that he learns and commits to never using it to win an argument.

It that isn’t going to happen ,the op needs to walk away.

Original poster
ScanScan · 25/04/2021 18:30

I'm going to try and answer a few questions. Hopefully I capture them all.

The questioning was always late at night when I was exhausted (shift worker) and he would go over and over details until the early hours leaving me frazzled and I then had a long drive the next day but only two hours fretful sleep. He told me it was because he'd get the truth out of me so I could get some sleep.

He threatened that he 'knew' people who could do nasty things to the OM and his property. He told me he had been round there etc to check out my story.

He'd gone through my phone and knew details and quizzed me repeatedly to see if I gave the same answers.

I wasn't happy when it happened. He was in constant contact with his ex and I couldn't take any more and asked him to leave. He didn't and I guess I never kept on until he did. I felt so low that when a guy showed attention I just wanted to feel special. I liked getting to know this caring man who was interested in me and kind. I hurt him too and that upsets me as well. I never got the chance to say sorry to him and he deserved that but wouldn't have wanted to hear it. I ended my relationship when I wanted to take the other one further. I'm not sure how it all happened but I ended up staying with DP when it all came out. I probably should have walked away from them both.

OP posts:
Butwasitherdriveway · 25/04/2021 18:31

Sorry , might be controversial, but I think if you choose to take someone back after cheating you can't bring it up again.

Maybe why I couldn't stay if someone cheated.

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 25/04/2021 18:34

It's not unreasonable that he can't forgive you which is clearly the crux of the matter.

You've tried to rebuild the relationship but it's clearly not going to work. As he can't see this I think that you need to leave. It's not reasonable for him to punish you forever.

SwimBaby · 25/04/2021 18:34

It doesn’t matter if you do a thousand nice things he will still be thinking about it. The pain he is is experiencing probably won’t go away that’s why he keeps mentioning it. He’s probably thinking about it many, many more times than he’s mentioning it so may actually think he’s doing ok and not bring it up that often.
I did read something about an egg timer, when he brings it up you say ok you can ask me questions or talk about my affair but only for a set amount of time, then you set the egg timer for 10 minutes or whatever the agreed amount of time is.

Jamestheleast · 25/04/2021 18:35

You should not be made to suffer this way.
Everything is forgiveable if you are sorry.
It should be put away.
We are all sinners in some way. Ask a priest?

category12 · 25/04/2021 18:37

The questioning was always late at night when I was exhausted (shift worker) and he would go over and over details until the early hours leaving me frazzled and I then had a long drive the next day but only two hours fretful sleep. He told me it was because he'd get the truth out of me so I could get some sleep
That's abusive.

If you're not sure why you stayed together, how you ended up staying with your dp when you intended to leave, it doesn't really sound like a relationship you actually want to be in.

FlorrieLindley · 25/04/2021 18:41

If he decided not to divorce you, but to stay with you, then he can't punish you for the rest of your married life. If he was so hurt and devastated at the time, he should have divorced you and got on with his life.
He cannot hold it over your head if he chose to stay with you. He had the chance to separate. He didn't take that chance.

ClarkeGriffin · 25/04/2021 18:49

You need to split up. Whether you want to or not.

He doesn't trust you and won't ever trust you. I don't blame him for that to be honest, you did cheat. I wouldn't ever trust my partner again either if he cheated. But I would instantly kick him out and break up with him.

He isn't going to do that, he thinks he can get over it eventually maybe or just use it as a stick to best you with. Either way, it's not a relationship anymore, it's almost an ownership. Just split up.

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/04/2021 18:58

@ScanScan

I'm going to try and answer a few questions. Hopefully I capture them all.

The questioning was always late at night when I was exhausted (shift worker) and he would go over and over details until the early hours leaving me frazzled and I then had a long drive the next day but only two hours fretful sleep. He told me it was because he'd get the truth out of me so I could get some sleep.

He threatened that he 'knew' people who could do nasty things to the OM and his property. He told me he had been round there etc to check out my story.

He'd gone through my phone and knew details and quizzed me repeatedly to see if I gave the same answers.

I wasn't happy when it happened. He was in constant contact with his ex and I couldn't take any more and asked him to leave. He didn't and I guess I never kept on until he did. I felt so low that when a guy showed attention I just wanted to feel special. I liked getting to know this caring man who was interested in me and kind. I hurt him too and that upsets me as well. I never got the chance to say sorry to him and he deserved that but wouldn't have wanted to hear it. I ended my relationship when I wanted to take the other one further. I'm not sure how it all happened but I ended up staying with DP when it all came out. I probably should have walked away from them both.

You need to leave this relationship. It's not going to get any better. It sounds as if he's revelling in having a stick to beat you with.
Bythemillpond · 25/04/2021 20:00

So he made you feel awful by being in contact with his ex and now he makes you feel awful by bringing up your affair.

Run.

Ninkanink · 25/04/2021 20:04

I’m not going to comment on the cheating. You’ve already done it and you can’t undo it. You will always be guilty of having done that and he will always be hurt about it. You can be as sorry as you like (or not!) but it doesn’t change what happened.

Entirely separate to that, why are you still with him? It’s not a good relationship, it’s not healthy for either of you.

Marineboy67 · 25/04/2021 20:49

Men as rule don't really get past their partners infedelity in my opinion. It will always be there, they feel emasculated and intimacy becomes more of a performance exercise than anything else. That is if it comes back at all! He'll always be bringing this up and punishing you. Its his maligned way of redressing the balance because in reality he can never recapture the exclusive intimacy you had as a couple. Unfortunately despite the greatest of effort on everyone's part I don't think you can ever shake it off a relationship once its tainted.
You will have learnt the damage and bitter reality that infedelity does to a partnership.
The last thing you want is another 5 or 10 years goes by and he's still using it as weapon, cut your losses and end it.

dontdoubtyourself · 25/04/2021 20:55

Jesus. You cheated. Now you get to leave in all the glory of 'oh I tried, he's the baddie'. Well done you. Do him a favour and leave, but there is a difference between 'I left because I cheated and we tried to rebuild but couldn't ' and 'he just couldn't get past what I did'. Do you see where the blame lies? Even esther perel says the cheated on has the right to mention it years later, and that says something.

category12 · 25/04/2021 20:58

There's discussing/"mentioning" it and there's using it as ammunition and a trump card.

Butwasitherdriveway · 25/04/2021 20:59

@dontdoubtyourself

Jesus. You cheated. Now you get to leave in all the glory of 'oh I tried, he's the baddie'. Well done you. Do him a favour and leave, but there is a difference between 'I left because I cheated and we tried to rebuild but couldn't ' and 'he just couldn't get past what I did'. Do you see where the blame lies? Even esther perel says the cheated on has the right to mention it years later, and that says something.
No, they don't have the right.

He agreed to take her back. He can't beat her up forever.

DenisetheMenace · 25/04/2021 21:04

He put you through hell when it came to a head?

Well what did you expect? I don’t understand cheating. If you’re unhappy, leave the person. Don’t wait until you have a better option.
He loved you and thought he could forgive and move on but clearly he can’t. I couldn’t either, infidelity is the one unforgivable to me.

You probably need to go your separate ways because this isn’t going to change.

ArcheryAnnie · 25/04/2021 21:08

@Outbutnotoutout

He either forgives you or leaves

He can't have it both ways

He can't forever hold it over you

This. (I was in this situation, and I left - or, more correctly, threw him out. We tried to work through it, and there were a myriad other reasons I threw him out, but this one was a big factor.)

You have to make a decision, as you can't control his actions, only yours. Can you stay in a relationship when it's clear your partner will never forgive you? Is this what you want your life to be?

ArcheryAnnie · 25/04/2021 21:08

(He was the cheater and I knew I would never be able to forget it.)

GappyValley · 25/04/2021 21:14

Going against the grain here, you cheated, presumably lied, gaslighted him, denied, broke trust

He absolutely is the better person whether he reminds you of it or not.

If he can’t trust you, it is almost certainly because you haven’t done enough to rebuild it.
Have you had counselling?

As pp said, even Esther perel says part of rebuilding trust includes being able to bring it up, ask questions, have total transparency on both sides going forward

You come across as a bit ‘wow is me’ because having fucked up your marriage, he now isn’t getting over it quick enough for your guilt to evaporate

Take some ownership of what you’ve fucked up and have some empathy for the monumental damage you’ve caused.

If you can’t, then do the poor bloke a favour and let him get on with your life before you wreck his mental health any more

MissyB1 · 25/04/2021 21:18

To be honest is this relationship really worth all this angst and stress? Because it doesn’t sound it to me. Cheating is usually a sign the relationship is fucked - for whatever reason.

Very few relationships survive it - and very few should survive it.

Walk away for good.