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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Thoughts on men leaping into second marriages and babies

252 replies

awalkbythesea · 25/04/2021 15:23

I'm intrigued more than anything...

My ex husband of 25 years had an affair, got the lady pregnant and got married with the year. We have children together who are in their twenties. He now has toddlers and is 55 years old.

I've noticed that a few of our friends are in the same scenario. Husband has affair with younger woman, gets her pregnant and marries immediately. The ex wives, on the other hand, seem happy on their own, lose weight, take up the gym/yoga and enjoy not having to wake up to a grumpy man each morning.

Do you think men just need to be "needed"? I can't for one moment imagine that my ex thought he'd be changing nappies again at 55? !

OP posts:
bigbadbedknobs · 27/04/2021 19:12

I knew someone who ran off with a 22 year old in his 50s, and when she turned 30 decided she wanted children, which she hadn't before, so he was faced with reversing his vasectomy
My ex was nearly 60 when he ran off with a woman in her very late 40s, she had a thing about older men, her previous husband was even older than mine. She was in debt and needed someone to help her out basically, and he had a few more years of work and then a private pension on top of the state one which her ex didn't have. I did warn him that she possibly could still have babies, and if she did he would not be spending his retirement doing what he wanted to do [as he now does] but he would be taking the child to and from school and looking after them in the hols, all things he'd never done with his own, she wouldn't be doing that, no doing things at the weekend as she did loads of things for herself then. It would have served him right if he had ended up with childcare instead of doing all the fun things he wanted so maybe I should not have warned him, but to be honest I didn't want the link with the OW and her children, as my own children would likely have been invited to things to do with their half-sibling, and to be honest they wouldn't have wanted that either
I know she was in debt cos he put it in his divorce papers as grounds that he should have to keep everything and not share with me BTW, it's not just me speculating

name674398 · 27/04/2021 19:14

Plus they get the benefit of a younger carer as they get older. Win win all around for the man, as usual.

Wanderlust20 · 27/04/2021 19:19

I've heard this so many times, I honestly think they can't bear to be alone! Hate to say it but the cliché seems to be true. I split with my ex fiancé and in a less than a year, he was engaged to someone else, kids followed. Soul destroying at the time.

Wanderlust20 · 27/04/2021 19:21

I meant to clarify, I don't think it's even an older guy thing, men (at any age) in my experience just move on so fast!

Tessabelle74 · 27/04/2021 19:29

When my Dad left my Mum after 25 years, I threatened to disown him if he had any more children, it's such a cliche! Thankfully he didn't and he and his second wife are still very much in love after years!

Tessabelle74 · 27/04/2021 19:30

21 years! Hmm

Alis25 · 27/04/2021 19:38

My Dad (still married for over 50 years) once said he could understand a man might want to have an affair but an older man who decided to have a second family must have lost his mind. Once was enough. I was a bit offended at the time but now with children of my own I completely understand! I do wonder if men who have a second family weren’t that involved with their first family so the sleepless nights and sheer grind of small children never really impacted on them.

Empressofthemundane · 27/04/2021 19:40

I think these late middle aged men fancy young women. Many young women want children. The men aren’t really looking for more children, they just happen to come with the young fecund women they are attracted to.

Bertiebiscuit · 27/04/2021 19:40

Let's be honest men always want extra helpings - with jam on it - being a father is so easy, and most middle aged men seem so desperate to look young and virile they will do anything to achieve that - especially as they aren't going to be the work who gets all the pain and the work

Jenthefredo · 27/04/2021 19:42

(Channels olympia dukakis in moonstruck..)
"Its because they fear death.."

name674398 · 27/04/2021 19:54

I do wonder if men who have a second family weren’t that involved with their first family so the sleepless nights and sheer grind of small children never really impacted on them.

Yes when I reflect on the long standing marriages and the second marriages I know, most would follow this theme. The hands on dads are either still with their wives or at least didn't go on to have more, the ones who had second families I can very much imagine they weren't very hands on from what I know of them. This is a very scientific and accurate observation obviously Grin

JonSnowIsALoser · 27/04/2021 19:59

It just comes down to the simple fact that in general men need women more than women need men. Speaking from experience - divorced after 20 years together, with three kids - and according to family and friends, blooming. I feel great, have dusted off good old friendships that my ex wasn't interested in maintaining, and they give me more happiness than a romantic relationship ever did. He moved out almost 4 years ago, I haven't been in a relationship since and I'm still not missing a male presence in my life.

On average, unmarried women live longer than married women, but married men live longer than unmarried men. Tells you all you need to know who benefits most from being married.

Newname12 · 27/04/2021 20:02

I do wonder if men who have a second family weren’t that involved with their first family so the sleepless nights and sheer grind of small children never really impacted on them

The opposite. Dh was very involved with the care of his kids, school run, hobbies, bedtimes, he did more than 50:50. He and his ex both worked full time, he was more flexible so would often do school pick ups, his ex got home after he’d put them to bed, then he’d get on with catching up with work. He was that dad in holiday that spends the day in the pool and playing with all the kids.

It was the absolute loss of this- he loved it, loved being a hands on dad, that made him want more. Going from your life revolving around your kids to once a week made him almost suicidal.

As I said it was a tough decision for him, not taken lightly.

1forAll74 · 27/04/2021 20:02

My late ex Husband remarried after our divorce, He was 50 at the time, and the new wife was 30. They had a child when MY ex was about 52, The child was born a bit early, and weighed about 2 lb, and subsequently had many problems for some time. The new wife was very temperamental, and seemingly had clinical depression, and hardly did anything for the baby, so my EX was in charge of most things.

Things carried on in the same way for a few years, but the new wife not taking much responsibility for their son,, she was a gold digger type of woman,always wanting to go out with her friends, always wanting the best of everything in their home, always wanting money non stop.

I had stayed friends with my ex after a few months of all the divorce stuff happening, I knew that he was unhappy with this awful marriage style, he was usually a happy caring man, and never got stressed at all. He used to bring his young son whenever he visited me, and he was showing signs of stress then.

A few months later ,he had a stroke which was quite serious, and I went to visit him in hospital. The new wife was there, the first time I had ever seen her. We obviously said hello etc, when my ex introduced us, Then the first thing that this woman said to me, was, I am just not going to cope with Alan, not real name, he has had a serious stroke, and I don't want to have to deal with all the extra work at home with him, and I am going to move out somewhere.

My ex recovered somewhat much later, he had been paralysed down the right side of his body and couldn't use his right hand, But after much therapy he was able to go home
THE new wife,kept to her word,and after a few months, my ex bought her a new house, and she went on her merry way, My ex then had their son at his home. She kept asking my ex for more money all the time.for holidays etc.

Over a few more years, my ex had three more strokes, the last one caused his death, six years ago.

MsTSwift · 27/04/2021 20:19

In my professional experience the first wife is often the only one at a mans deathbed.

NEVERENDINGST0RY · 27/04/2021 20:24

My DF did similar. He was married and in his 30s, the OW was 19 Envy. They were married within a year and went on to have DC of their own pretty much instantly. They split 20 years later as she cheated on him.

Barbie222 · 27/04/2021 20:34

You just have to look at that picture of Boris Johnson looking about 70 in the Highlands with the baby falling out of the sling to see where it all goes wrong for blokes.

Babygotblueyes · 27/04/2021 20:41

[quote everythingbackbutyou]@Babygotblueyes, "the one who is here". Totally this. I was married for 20 years but the speed with which I have been replaced convinces me that there was nothing spectacular about me in particular apart from being easily controllable and agreeing to get married. I could have been any number of women.[/quote]
That made me so sad! I think men dont appreciate the spectacular women they have because they walk around with their heads up their arses and are often incapable of thinking about anyone other than themselves. It reminds me of that sex in the city episode where they talk about men like taxis - the first woman they meet after their light goes on is the one they marry. Thank god for female friends.

foodiefil · 27/04/2021 20:47

What if you're the second wife and significantly younger but you'd been together 7 years before you got married and had a baby?

Asking for a friend...

(Not ow)

Viviennemary · 27/04/2021 20:53

They think its another chance to relive their youth. To be needed by their children. And also to be looked after by a woman. Older men on their own never seem very happy.

PicsInRed · 27/04/2021 20:55

@MsTSwift

In my professional experience the first wife is often the only one at a mans deathbed.
Are you a homicide detective? Smile
Wombatt · 27/04/2021 20:56

@Barbie222 😂. It's so true. That photo was ridiculous. Surely by baby 10 you know how to do up the straps. You could tell he didn't use the sling very often!

TheLastLotus · 27/04/2021 21:07

@foodiefil then this thread is not for your friend, perfectly acceptable wink wink

MsMeNz · 27/04/2021 21:09

I'd say it's fair cliché, but rarely ends in long term happiness for them, sometimes it does but often the age gap causes issues past the honeymoon period, young kids spoil the romance, money drains away and they can't cope and younger wife gets resentful.

Once you have grieved the betrayal focus on you and your life and ring every bit of enjoyment from it you can and sod him ☺️

foodiefil · 27/04/2021 21:13

[quote TheLastLotus]**@foodiefil* then this thread is not for your friend, perfectly acceptable wink wink*[/quote]
🤣🤣👍🏽