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Original poster

Thoughts on men leaping into second marriages and babies

252 replies

awalkbythesea · 25/04/2021 15:23

I'm intrigued more than anything...

My ex husband of 25 years had an affair, got the lady pregnant and got married with the year. We have children together who are in their twenties. He now has toddlers and is 55 years old.

I've noticed that a few of our friends are in the same scenario. Husband has affair with younger woman, gets her pregnant and marries immediately. The ex wives, on the other hand, seem happy on their own, lose weight, take up the gym/yoga and enjoy not having to wake up to a grumpy man each morning.

Do you think men just need to be "needed"? I can't for one moment imagine that my ex thought he'd be changing nappies again at 55? !

OP posts:
tuiblue · 27/04/2021 17:59

My ex, who got involved with a much younger woman while we were still together, didn't end up having children with her, but in conversations we've had since, he's described how he felt he'd missed out on parenting by being at work all the time, and that part of him had a big urge to have more children so that he could do it differently and be a father to small children again. He was also quite open about how being with a much younger partner had initially helped him feel he was defying the clock in some respects, but that this turned out to be a false path because they were at such very different life stages. He also got involved with her because they got on very well as friends and our relationship had become so difficult. It was flattering and felt good to him to have a younger woman be so interested in him when his perception was that I was no longer interested.

DianeCherry · 27/04/2021 18:00

@awalkbythesea

I personally just cannot imagine going through the baby stage again.... let alone the dreaded teenaged years !!!
They'll leave the new wife so that they don't have to
Babygotblueyes · 27/04/2021 18:01

I have seen this in my friendship group too. Makes you feel that men are less about 'the one' and more about 'the one who is here'. TBH I think long term relationships/marriage are a good deal for men who get a lot of the benefits and often dont do much of the work to keep things going. So why not rush into another one? A lot of men wont leave a partner until they have the next one lined up. Whereas women often find themselves better off emotionally if they are by themselves or if they take their time. Not a great reflection on men, unfortunately.

AnaViaSalamanca · 27/04/2021 18:08

Apart from everything else, I think it’s quite unfair to children to have a very old dad. Yoir dad being in his 70s in your teens means different holidays than your peers, a very different lifestyle really. And you will have to deal with an ailing parent and death and care homes in your 20s.

Biscuitybiscuit · 27/04/2021 18:12

Younger women probably haven't had their kids yet when they meet an older man, so it's going to be a dealbreaker

Ihatefish · 27/04/2021 18:15

It’s depressingly/laughably predictable. Man meets woman they have kids, almost invariably the woman has compromised on her dreams and not been able to maximise her career to raise the kids, no doubt looking forward to time when the kids have grown.

As the kids hit adulthood man has been having affair with a younger woman who likes the money and prestige the man has amassed, usually at the expense of his wife. Dumps his original family for the younger option, either leaving a relieved wife or potentially suicidal one in the debris so he can get his leg over someone with firmer boobs. Because he’s not the old one!!! He’s had his youth robbed! There is nothing more pathetic than seeing a bloke in his late 50s early 60s suddenly wearing trendy clothes and god forbide sporting a pony tail because they are now young and rebellious😂.

Luckily my DH is not a high earner so less likely to be targeted😂.

Localocal · 27/04/2021 18:16

Wow, so much cynicism and hostility here. Speaking as a second wife, I can say that DH and I had kids pretty quickly because I absolutely wanted children and as he was a bit older it was a case of sooner-the-better. He adored his children from his first marriage and was happy to extend his time as a dad by having more. He is in his 60s, but is sporty and fit, and the fact that he retired right before the pandemic meant that my kids had a full time teacher and playmate home with them throughout lockdown while I was out working. Being older has its benefits.

I am not his midlife crisis, and neither are my kids. Our life is not something he makes the best of - we have been happily married for 18 years and have a loving, large, blended family.

Men are not all shallow selfish bastards. Some of them just figure out what they want a bit later.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 27/04/2021 18:23

We've a serial offender in my area, it's almost as if he can't cope with seeing his children ageing and has to start over... Has one child at university with partner #1, two children at low-to-middle secondary school age with partner #2 and a child in primary reception and a newborn with his (much younger) wife. At least she got a ring on her finger, but still...

PicsInRed · 27/04/2021 18:24

A nurse with a purse.

TheLastLotus · 27/04/2021 18:25

@Localocal but he wasn’t your affair partner was he?

Newname12 · 27/04/2021 18:27

and go on to find a better match and actively want more kids

I’ve seen many women have affairs and go on to second marriages.

Difference is they don’t go from being a full time parent to only seeing their kids once a week. Their lives continue as a parent and they have the same involvement in their kids lives, so they have less of a need to have more.

Fwiw some second families aren’t “old” either. Dh was early 30’s when his ex kicked him out. He’s not much older than me.

IrishGirl2020 · 27/04/2021 18:37

@Localocal

Some of them just figure out what they want a bit later.

That’s not so great for the first family though is it. Like they were just a practise family before finally getting it right with the second family.
But that happens and as long as you don’t make those feelings obvious to the first set of kids then I guess it can work out ok.

I feel for George Osborne’s kids - he recently said he had never been happier with his new partner. That’s the kind of thing he should have kept to himself rather than announcing it to the nation’s media.

frazzledasarock · 27/04/2021 18:45

From personal observation I think some men stop screwing around because they lose the stamina (& realise they’ll be financially very badly off if they try and screw over their current partner).

I’m pretty sure (bar the super rich), there’s an age range where they settle down because they can’t keep going.

Honeypup · 27/04/2021 18:45

I think this is just something that comes with meeting younger age bearing women. It is likely the younger may want a child with her new partner and as we know men are able to father children well into old age so I suppose it shouldn’t be as much of a shock as it is when we hear of it. Having a second family with the younger women is a reality which most men probably realise and seem to be happy with, happy wife happy life.. maybe

Roxy69 · 27/04/2021 18:45

Being a child of elderly parents, I have no hesitation in saying it's wrong. I loved them dearly but they are not here now and I feel rather annoyed that I haven't got the chance to be with them. Just because you can have children doesn't always mean it's the right thing to do. It seems more selfish than anything not to consider the children.

SpacemanDad · 27/04/2021 18:46

@awalkbythesea

I personally just cannot imagine going through the baby stage again.... let alone the dreaded teenaged years !!!
Personally neither could I, but my BIL, married at 20, separated and divorced at 45 when his kids were adults, new relationship at 50 with a woman 20 years younger, they now have a daughter and as much of a shock as waking up at 6am on a Sunday was initially it's actually given him a new lease of life and I've never seen him happier
artyone · 27/04/2021 18:54

@Hufflepuffsunite

I was having a similar conversation recently! My thoughts- having dc is not such a huge thing for men. It's just not. Even a man who genuinely takes on half of everything in term of childcare and house stuff still doesn't take on the strain of pregnancy and childbirth. I'd probably have 5 kids if I didn't have to carry and birth them! Not to mention, lots of men simply don't do half of the workload- they carry on working and socialising and the woman picks up the slack (how many times do we read that on mn? On a daily basis I'd say!). Then there is always the option to walk away for a man. Sure, the option is there for women too, but how many women compared to men do you know who have left their dc and moved out? Women are judged hard for this, whereas when men do it, it's just the accepted thing (I know things are moving more to 50:50 with custody so maybe this is changing). Also women are guilted horribly for having dc. I see it a lot even on mn - what about the dc you already have? How will you divide your time fairly? And so on. And, of course, the latest stick to beat women with - what about the environment? I never ever hear men bombarded with such questions, nor have I ever heard judgement pass on a man for damaging the environment or whatever other societal ill women are forced to take into consideration when thinking about having dc. In short - alongside the clear biological differences in that men simply can have kids until they die, men also have the better side of the deal in every way: they don't have to risk their physical wellbeing, they don't have to sacrifice their careers, social lives and identity, they don't have to deal with society judging them every step of the way for every single decision they make. I'm not saying there's no pressure at all on men/fathers, but I genuinely think it's a lot easier for them and if they did have as many consequences as women, the birth rate would plummet!
A man in my town started a society, which has a stall at local fairs, to persuade people not to have children, or any more children than they already have. For environmental reasons!

Guess what.. he has three children

Newname12 · 27/04/2021 18:56

Being a child of elderly parents, I have no hesitation in saying it's wrong. I loved them dearly but they are not here now and I feel rather annoyed that I haven't got the chance to be with them

I am not the child of elderly parents. But one of mine is not here now having died at a young age and yes, I’m annoyed that I don’t have the chance to be with them. In fact many of my friends lost one or both parents fairly young. Dh, on the other hand, still has both of his despite his being older.

chaosmaker · 27/04/2021 18:57

This is why they should get snipped after one family. The human race is too big as it is

chaosmaker · 27/04/2021 18:58

Also 2 of my male friends have done this same thing but at a slightly younger age.

everythingbackbutyou · 27/04/2021 18:59

@Babygotblueyes, "the one who is here". Totally this. I was married for 20 years but the speed with which I have been replaced convinces me that there was nothing spectacular about me in particular apart from being easily controllable and agreeing to get married. I could have been any number of women.

PilotRochester · 27/04/2021 18:59

My ex husband isn’t jumping quick enough, we have 3 children together. He has a (lovely) much younger girlfriend but no plans for children of their own. I want them to have a couple because I like babies in the family, but can’t be arsed to go through all that again myself 🤣

tobee · 27/04/2021 19:01

It's also often talked about with scorn when a woman has kids with more than 2 dads. We've all heard the horrible 4by4 phrase etc. With men not so much. Still.

As pp has said, the woman tends to have the children with her near enough full time, as well as obviously being pregnant with them. Whereas the man tends to be seen with just the latest.

Obviously, there are exceptions to the rule

jellybe · 27/04/2021 19:05

FIL did this. MIL is only a couple of years older than his eldest (my DH is part of his second family) Him and MIL seemed to love each other very much but the massive age gap means that she was widowed fairly young and is old before her time. Which is sad to see.

Crystal90567 · 27/04/2021 19:09

In my experience men in their 50s will only date women under 35. I tried to date in my mid 40s and this was very much the case. Also my dad and ex both have wives respectively 40 and 20 years younger than them.
It's the reasons are grim. Do you really want to know?
It has left me with quite a revulsion of men.

They dont care about the babies that result from their status / beautiful young body shagging, as they do fuck all anyway.