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Original poster

Thoughts on men leaping into second marriages and babies

252 replies

awalkbythesea · 25/04/2021 15:23

I'm intrigued more than anything...

My ex husband of 25 years had an affair, got the lady pregnant and got married with the year. We have children together who are in their twenties. He now has toddlers and is 55 years old.

I've noticed that a few of our friends are in the same scenario. Husband has affair with younger woman, gets her pregnant and marries immediately. The ex wives, on the other hand, seem happy on their own, lose weight, take up the gym/yoga and enjoy not having to wake up to a grumpy man each morning.

Do you think men just need to be "needed"? I can't for one moment imagine that my ex thought he'd be changing nappies again at 55? !

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 26/04/2021 19:26

I personally just cannot imagine going through the baby stage again.... let alone the dreaded teenaged years !!!

What makes you think that these men will be doing any of the parental heavy lifting?

SwimBaby · 26/04/2021 19:33

I know I’d prefer to be enjoying my multiple term time holidays than watching a load school plays again.

lostmam · 26/04/2021 19:55

@Sssloou

The second wives / younger woman in these situations must also be on MN - would be good to hear their experience too.
I can't speak for this scenario, but I am 27 and my husband is about 39 (first marriage and first baby for both!) and this scenario is the exact reason I feel we get judgement sometimes. Sometimes I want to wear a T-shirt saying he didn't leave his wife and kids for me.
Allwokedup · 26/04/2021 20:07

I find it funny, they think they are going for fun and exciting and end up back in the sleepless nights and skint stage! More fool them. Could you imagine being in your 60s on the school run!?

Gensola · 26/04/2021 20:27

I’m 35 and DH is 55, we are having IVF for a first DC. Nice to know so many people will be judgemental at the school gates if we are lucky enough to be able to have a family Smile I wonder how many of the snarky people on here also judge people for being overweight or what they wear? Sad really

Allwokedup · 26/04/2021 20:30

@Gensola I’m judging men who have affairs and leave their kids when they accidentally get the other woman pregnant. Do you think that’s ok? You’d be fine if your husband left you for another woman and had a child with her.

Gensola · 26/04/2021 20:42

@Allwokedup plenty of snarky comments on here about men being 60 at the school gates without any reference to affairs.

Allwokedup · 26/04/2021 20:45

@Gensola the thread is about men leaving their wives after affairs. That’s literally what the whole thread is about.

Gensola · 26/04/2021 20:47

@Allwokedup except your nasty little comment wasn’t about cheating, it was specifically about someone being in their 60s on a school run, wasn’t it?

Allwokedup · 26/04/2021 20:52

@Gensola yes after he’s left his wife for a younger model and then gets thrown back into the school stage again. It was aimed at affair people. I couldn’t care less if someone who just met someone later in life was 60 on the school run. You clearly have issues with it though... as you’re very sensitive and made a comment that was nothing to do with you all about your situation.

Allwokedup · 26/04/2021 20:54

@Gensola and if you read my original comment I’m clearly answering the ops original post. She speaks about her husband leaving her for a younger woman and having a baby my response is clearly to that “they think they are going for fun (the younger woman) but get thrown back into the kid stage (the school run). Don’t twist what I’ve said to suit your chip on your shoulder.

IrishGirl2020 · 26/04/2021 20:55

There are a couple of Dads at our primary school gate early 60s - both first time Dads. People do make assumptions about them - I know they’ve been asked if they’re the granddad and I’ve heard people wondering if it’s a second family. I think ‘judging’ is the wrong word but people are just curious. I think you have to expect that this goes with the territory a bit.
People also assume some of the very young mums at the gate are nannies or au pairs - they don’t mean any harm by it.

rosabug · 26/04/2021 21:42

The Mortality card. They can do it - have a second go at it all again - life. Women have to adjust in a more realistic way to ageing and the inevitability of death.

Then there's the Top Man card. This is the message they get from birth that the world should be their oyster, that 'successful' men achieve, that they need to make things happen, that women are, to some extent interchangeable and numbers trump love.

Lots of men quietly 'suffer' from the nagging feeling they have not gathered all that they are entitled to. That they have missed the big fat full Top Man boat. Those feelings get worse in their 40s and 50s.

TBH if I were a man I might be the same.... Mmmmm then again - deal with a younger person with all their younger person emotional shit? - maybe not.

I have a male ex-friend who has done this to my good friend. Rumour has it he's driving towards the same ditch - here's hoping.

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 26/04/2021 22:05

I always wonder what on Earth is wrong with Alec Baldwin. He had one grown up daughter and was in his fifties when he suddenly started having loads of children. Does he have 6 with his wife now? And he’s in his sixties now! I can’t even imagine. Appreciate they have a lot of money for nannies and such but Christ, I can’t imagine having got through the majority of my life with just one child then pumping six out in as many years.

I think it’s an ego thing with men, it must be. They want to feel needed and some men decide the only way this will happen is by procreating.

Diverseopinions · 26/04/2021 22:26

I'm very surprised they don't worry about being able to afford all these children at their age. It is an age when they might struggle to find work, yet are gaining an imperative to keep working.

I think the consideration of having more children would seem different to the first time, in that women tend to lay down the law and become the expert on how baby ought to be raised, yet second time round, hubby knows that he will be able to say: " I've done it before, I know that red cheeks, bottom crawling, etc., etc, means this and this'. ' This kind of childminder is best etc' . It's a more empowered and equal relationship with the second woman and second lot of offspring.

tobee · 26/04/2021 22:31

A lot of men don't really have to do much of the hands on stuff the first time for a start.

Also I think women are pretty much constantly aware of their biological clock. Men don't have this. They haven't been thinking they only have a set amount of time; ever.

I always find the Mick Jagger types extraordinary. He had his first child in 1970 (I believe) and his latest in 2016. That's 46 years apart!!! He was 27 when he had his first so not in his youth. Obviously, Mick can afford this. But is it fair on his kids? None of my business, of course, but ....

tobee · 26/04/2021 22:32

Does it just come down to we're all animals?

PicsInRed · 26/04/2021 22:33

@tobee

Does it just come down to we're all animals?
Some animals are more animal than others.
tobee · 26/04/2021 22:35

Indeed @PicsInRed

Lessthanaballpark · 26/04/2021 22:45

I think it’s natural for men to want lots of kids by different women (and to not have much to do with them) but I also think it’s natural for women to have kids (perhaps not quite as many due to the length of childhood) by different fathers and to not have to worry about involving said fathers.

The nuclear family is unnatural on so many levels.

Wombatt · 26/04/2021 22:58

It doesn't play to the Mumsnet narrative of men well but some do learn from their first marriages and go on to find a better match and actively want more kids. Just because some people wouldn't want to do it again doesn't mean some people wouldn't like to. Plenty have exit affairs and go on to have happy settled second families that blend in the kids from the first marriage. I realized this is heresy on MN but I've seen it happen twice successfully.

Caelan2018 · 27/04/2021 17:49

Good for you ... have girls nights out and lots of cocktails

Caelan2018 · 27/04/2021 17:51

Is he not content with his new family after all the just he most likely caused his first family

Caelan2018 · 27/04/2021 17:54

Be glad you don't have to be nice to her anymore thr old bag

PlanDeRaccordement · 27/04/2021 17:58

We’ll, the affair is usually mid-life crisis and trying to live in denial that they are getting older.

The marrying the new woman if she falls pregnant is most probably societal expectations for men. For those in their 50s now, they still grew up in a time when if you got a girl pregnant, you “did the right thing” and proposed marriage “for the child’s sake”. So I think the reason it’s is common is the socialisation of men in western society to marry your pregnant girlfriend, which was stronger for older generations than it is for young men today.