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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

worst ways to find out your partner has cheated

163 replies

Tnytears · 23/04/2021 11:34

So a bit of light hearted fun for a Friday. What was the worst way you found out a partner had cheated on you?
I always had a gut feeling my partner was cheating I left him when my daughter was 3 - he met someone else - they had a daughter and she also left him - I became friends with his ex and asked how when they met etc thinking she was post me - she said she meet him in 2005 - I was like "oh yes that was the year my daughter was born" -

OP posts:
thiswaythat · 25/04/2021 20:14

@ReginaaPhalange I really believe the ones that are the most suspicious are the ones that are/have cheated. They know how easy it can be to get away with lol
I hope he had whiplash!

ThisMustBeMyDream · 25/04/2021 20:16

Four hours after I married him... she messaged me. Not great. I was pregnant with our 2nd child at the time.

ReginaaPhalange · 25/04/2021 20:25

@ThisMustBeMyDream

Four hours after I married him... she messaged me. Not great. I was pregnant with our 2nd child at the time.
@ThisMustBeMyDream what the hell?!?!
IamnotH · 25/04/2021 20:26

My god, these aren't light hearted at all Sad you're all amazing.

Hangingover · 25/04/2021 20:34

It happened in my house while I was there

ReginaaPhalange · 25/04/2021 20:49

Jeeze!! They're getting worse :(

ThisMustBeMyDream · 25/04/2021 21:03

I can look back 6 years later and no longer feel any real emotion over it. My life is a gazillion times better without him, and the fact he walked away from the children means I know their lives are a gazillion times better too.
Some people are through and through scum 🤷‍♀️.

Dreamingofbeergardens · 25/04/2021 21:24

Ex DP kept taking his phone everywhere with him so I checked his phone the one time he didn't. I saw that Tinder was downloaded and found disgusting messages. He claimed his friend had downloaded it and lied about texting his friend to tell him he was logged into Tinder on his phone. I messaged the friend apologising for the confusion yesterday and he didn't have a clue what I meant. For some reason I tried to ignore this, we were buying a house and I just wanted to believe him.
2 months after buying the house, he still seemed like he was lying. I checked and he had downloaded Tinder AGAIN. Only this time I realised he had been using his other friend's pictures to make a profile! This time he tried to say his friend had been hacked and someone had made a fake account that had got on his phone Grin He even told these random girls stuff like the holiday he was going on next week so I knew it was rubbish!
It ended a couple of months later with a messy separation. I kept the house and he moved away. Why I put up with it for so long I do not know. Probably because I was younger and we had been together for so long. And it didn't feel like cheating cheating as technically he hadn't slept with anyone. But I made sure to change the settings on his Tinder to prefers men! Just for fun. Met a lovely bloke 4 months later, he is still alone 2 years later. I guess he didn't have much luck using his own pictures on Tinder. Diddums.

SamW98 · 26/04/2021 10:12

@ThisMustBeMyDream

Four hours after I married him... she messaged me. Not great. I was pregnant with our 2nd child at the time.
My friend was on day 3 of her honeymoon and her husband told her he had been seeing someone else for 2 years and knew hr shouldn't have gone through with the wedding as he wanted to be with the other woman.
spicysechuan · 26/04/2021 22:02

@SamW98 that's awful!

mug2018 · 27/04/2021 12:22

It was confirmed for me the day my mum passed away. She was diagnosed with terminal cancer & my 'DH' arranged for a cleaner to come & 'help me' with the house work. She was half his age & I suspected there was more to their 'arrangement' but didn't have the mental capacity to address it at the time given my Mum was dying. He used to make me leave my house when she was due to clean because 'I intimidated her'. The day my mum suddenly died (2 months after cancer was diagnosed) his response to my upset at her passing, was 'what's not to believe, you knew she was ill. You need to go out now because xxx is due round to clean' Hmm. The following day confirmation for us to start our IVF treatment arrived after a 3yr wait. I confronted 'DH' regarding his 'relationship' with the cleaner, which he naturally denied.

Rightly or wrongly, we agreed to continue IVF & attempt to refocus our marriage, but a controlling, lying, coercive, financially abusive, narcissistic cheating bastard never changes their spots.
I can't ever regret my decision not to LTB as if I had I wouldn't have my DD, but I do regret staying for a further 11yrs 'for the sake our our child'. It would've been so much easier to have left his control while she was little as he now just attempts to controls & manipulate his DD.
2years divorced & this episode brings back huge anxiety but I've since met an amazing man, who supports me through the continued attempts by ExH to manipulate & intimidate me.
So many life lessons learned & I am now so much stronger for it.
I'm done with looking back .. the future is so much brighter

spicysechuan · 27/04/2021 21:31

@mug2018

It was confirmed for me the day my mum passed away. She was diagnosed with terminal cancer & my 'DH' arranged for a cleaner to come & 'help me' with the house work. She was half his age & I suspected there was more to their 'arrangement' but didn't have the mental capacity to address it at the time given my Mum was dying. He used to make me leave my house when she was due to clean because 'I intimidated her'. The day my mum suddenly died (2 months after cancer was diagnosed) his response to my upset at her passing, was 'what's not to believe, you knew she was ill. You need to go out now because xxx is due round to clean' Hmm. The following day confirmation for us to start our IVF treatment arrived after a 3yr wait. I confronted 'DH' regarding his 'relationship' with the cleaner, which he naturally denied. Rightly or wrongly, we agreed to continue IVF & attempt to refocus our marriage, but a controlling, lying, coercive, financially abusive, narcissistic cheating bastard never changes their spots. I can't ever regret my decision not to LTB as if I had I wouldn't have my DD, but I do regret staying for a further 11yrs 'for the sake our our child'. It would've been so much easier to have left his control while she was little as he now just attempts to controls & manipulate his DD. 2years divorced & this episode brings back huge anxiety but I've since met an amazing man, who supports me through the continued attempts by ExH to manipulate & intimidate me. So many life lessons learned & I am now so much stronger for it. I'm done with looking back .. the future is so much brighter
Omg, what is wrong with some people! Utter twat.
DrinkRefilled · 27/04/2021 22:58

My “first love” and my school best friend.

This was in 2001 I had been with him for one year. We were on a night out and the three of us walked home from the club. My house came first (lived with parents) so I waved bye and off they walked together as her house was next, followed by his (all within half a mile of each other)

2 hours later her boyfriend called me- extremely worried- to ask if I’d seen her and that he had tried calling her loads of time.
I said “omg she should have been home 2 hours ago what the.....” and then the penny dropped.
I rang my boyfriend 10 times and he finally picked up. I said “are you with Kerry”? He paused for ages and said “yes”.
And that was that.
My best friend all through school and my “first love” of one year. I just remember uncontrollably shaking and my stomach churning for hours whilst trying to cry quietly so my parents couldnt hear.

I met up with her 2 years later and she said “I just want to say sorry for that but I’d actually shagged him a few times before that night” I couldn’t believe she casually owned up to that and it’s almost like she was bragging. Needless to say I never spoke to her again.

21 years later she has 4 kids to 4 different men (not a dig- nothing wrong with that but my point is that she has had no successful relationships) and he is absolutely awful and has aged really badly. Saying that may make me look nasty but I don’t care as I feel karma served them both.

I ended up with a wonderful man and 3 children.

CallMeCleo · 27/04/2021 23:25

When I was 39, about 9am one morning my best friend (40) rang me and said, "I have something to tell you about your boyfriend." "What's that?" I asked. "Well, he's MY boyfriend now. He's right here next to me in my bed". She then handed the phone to him to confirm.

I was utterly devastated. I had not the slightest clue that they even fancied one another.

And that is how I lost my best friend AND my partner on the same day.

bitheby · 27/04/2021 23:42

@Condenast

When the police told me that they had had to inform the OW of my husbands death as well as me.

Oh my gosh Thanks

Hm2020 · 28/04/2021 04:36

Not me: I know someone who was sent pics from the other women in her bed with baby’s cot next to it and all.

Me: found a pair of knickers in our flat After i spent a weekend at my mums

Got told by my step son whist my dc was in nicu that he was taking him away with his Aunty

Found a Christmas card from a women saying looking forward to our first Christmas my love it was our second Christmas together Confused

rainingonme · 28/04/2021 08:27

My partner has his own business and his office is in his house ( we didn't live together) He hired a new PA at Christmas - she was married 2 kids 35 (he is 50) He stated he did not know her. She seemed very hands on wrapping his daughters xmas presents for him and making lasagnes for him - I even joked with him that she is like his work wife. I had a niggling feeling she would fall for him as he is so charming but told myself to stop being so ridiculous and insecure.
Things started to go quiet with calls/texts and the language of his texts became very cold.
I noticed there were cans of pink gin and tonics and wine in the fridge - he drinks lager
Within 2 months her husband moved out and he moved in - photos all over social media. Someone in the village told me they had been seeing each other for ages - he got rid of his other PA so they could be together at work and in a relationship - the deceit and betrayal is something I will never get over

Lollyjack · 28/04/2021 12:34

When my partner and daughter moved out together (not her dad!). 🥲

rainingonme · 28/04/2021 12:38

@Lollyjack
Oh god that is awful

itsalltrue22 · 28/04/2021 12:39

A confirmation rather than a finding out BUT

when I received a text message meant for her declaring undying love - Her name was alphabetically next after mine in his phone!!!
For the record - undying love lasted 9 months - she was the first of many following our split and we are just waiting for his boredom to kick in and their be another divorce!

Whereisthechicken · 28/04/2021 16:18

When I was in labour.

Not established labour but the early stages where my contractions were something like 5-8 minutes apart. I was getting ready for the hospital, picked up the iPad to check it had charge then got distracted looking through photos on it. Came to a screenshot of a whatsapp message screen where my husband and another women were saying 'I love you' to each other. Didn't even think for one second he had cheated and couldn't work out how it had got on there so I innocently asked him how it had got on the iPad. Well he was like a rabbit caught in headlights and didn't speak for a while, just stared. He then said he'd been talking to someone else "as a joke" and was seeing how far he could go with her via message because he liked the attention. Even if he hadn't cheated, that's a disgusting thing to do to someone else but being 250 miles away from family and in labour with another dd under 2, I had to swiftly forget about it. I checked out of the relationship that day though and my ducks have been in a row ever since. I had given up my career the year before to be a sahp for a while so I had nothing. I've since spent a few years building myself up so my children and I can survive, and possibly thrive, as a family of 3. Just a few months to go now..

Sillysandy · 28/04/2021 17:11

Bizarrely this didn't fall into place with me at the time, it was months later, I ran into the person involved and demanded to know the truth.

I had been in a nasty accident and was on crutches so ordered a taxi home from work. The taxi driver was full of chat and when he heard the complex I was heading to informed me he had dropped a sex worker to that same complex. It was on a public holiday and he has waited to collect her. He wasn't sure about waiting but she had begged him. She paid obviously but he said he felt so sorry for her. She was young, seemed very naive and nervous. When she came out she was quiet and seemed upset. She said it was fine, he was fine if a bit weird. The driver felt concerned about her, having to make a living like this. He dropped her home for free. She was crying when she got out of the car.

We don't live in the UK by the way. I had never heard of a sex worker being ordered. I was shocked. I commented I was in hospital that day having surgery and asked which building had he dropped her to. Lo and behold it was the building I lived in. Even stranger. I knew or knew of everyone in my building, all young couples like us, all seemed nice enough. It was in the middle of the name. I felt sorry for whoever the girlfriend was, oblivious to this going on when she was presumably at work. When I was in hospital myself and boyfriend had had a huge argument, he had been acting really really strangely on the phone and then accused me of being crazy on medication when I asked him what was going on. He barely visited me and had to be practically bullied into collecting me and had barely said a word. I had enough to deal with with my rehab and had kinda forgotten the weirdness.

Still the penny didn't drop. Even when the driver helped me with my bags then when he realised the front door we were headed to balked then asked if the door lead into multiple apartments, got completely flustered, backed away mid sentence and practically ran to his car. Even then the penny didn't drop.

I wondered what had caused his abrupt departure and briefly wondered did he think I was trying to lure him in the door because we had been chatting and laughing so energetically as he was helping me up the steps. But it seemed totally unfeasible.

When my boyfriend arrived home I told him the shocking story I'd heard about one of the men in the apartment block. There was nothing noteworthy about his reaction.

Ages later when I discovered what a massively deceptive gaslighting manipulator he was and dumped him, I got a sudden flashback of the driver recoiling in horror at my front door. The next time he picked me up (I used his cab company quite a lot) I demanded the truth and sure enough he had told me a story about my own apartment. He described the guy who came to the door, it was definitely my ex so couldn't even be explained away by a friend borrowing the apartment.

spicysechuan · 28/04/2021 21:55

@Whereisthechicken

When I was in labour.

Not established labour but the early stages where my contractions were something like 5-8 minutes apart. I was getting ready for the hospital, picked up the iPad to check it had charge then got distracted looking through photos on it. Came to a screenshot of a whatsapp message screen where my husband and another women were saying 'I love you' to each other. Didn't even think for one second he had cheated and couldn't work out how it had got on there so I innocently asked him how it had got on the iPad. Well he was like a rabbit caught in headlights and didn't speak for a while, just stared. He then said he'd been talking to someone else "as a joke" and was seeing how far he could go with her via message because he liked the attention. Even if he hadn't cheated, that's a disgusting thing to do to someone else but being 250 miles away from family and in labour with another dd under 2, I had to swiftly forget about it. I checked out of the relationship that day though and my ducks have been in a row ever since. I had given up my career the year before to be a sahp for a while so I had nothing. I've since spent a few years building myself up so my children and I can survive, and possibly thrive, as a family of 3. Just a few months to go now..

Courage to you @Whereisthechicken
DateXY · 28/04/2021 21:56

@Candycane57

I found a size 24 thong in his bed. I was size 6 and he tried to convince me it was mine.
🤣🤣
spicysechuan · 28/04/2021 21:56

@Lollyjack

When my partner and daughter moved out together (not her dad!). 🥲
As it 'together'??? Please @Lollyjack , no???
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