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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

worst ways to find out your partner has cheated

163 replies

Tnytears · 23/04/2021 11:34

So a bit of light hearted fun for a Friday. What was the worst way you found out a partner had cheated on you?
I always had a gut feeling my partner was cheating I left him when my daughter was 3 - he met someone else - they had a daughter and she also left him - I became friends with his ex and asked how when they met etc thinking she was post me - she said she meet him in 2005 - I was like "oh yes that was the year my daughter was born" -

OP posts:
CleverCatty · 23/04/2021 16:03

@JorisBonson

I saw her leaving my house.
scream - omg that's awful...
ShutUpAlex · 23/04/2021 16:08

@Parkerwhereareyou it was probably one of the lowest points of my life.

Getting married next year though to a wonderful man and we have a baby on the way so life does get better!

IHaveBrilloHair · 23/04/2021 16:12

New Year's Eve when you have a four month old and he tells you he's spending it with her.
No, he didn't admit to the cheating, but suddenly everything made sense and I realised it had been going on for months, he left me for her when Dd was 6 weeks old, and I also realised he'd been with her when I went into labour.
To make it all so much worse, I think it was probably going on when my Mum died of terminal cancer, exactly a month before DD was born.

Original poster
Tnytears · 23/04/2021 16:15

@ShutUpAlex
It has turned in to a very sobering thread and I do apologize for my original wording 'light hearted' I was insinuating for people that have now got over the initial shock and pain of it - some may never but the absurdness and denials of these cheaters is beyond reality - very very hard to trust another partner

OP posts:
ShutUpAlex · 23/04/2021 16:16

No need to apologise! I’m not offended at all. This was 7 years ago now and I’m well over it. It made me 10x stronger too.

WhipperSnapperSteve · 23/04/2021 16:40

Lying to me about having children. I may have been young and naive but one night I'd stayed over at her Mother's house, the distinctive nature of two dummies hanging by the door told its own tale. She was still shagging the father, and someone new each weekend I couldn't get up there and her (very post-menopausal) Mother knew about all of it.

She came clean, I walked after hiding a note in her bedroom making comparisons between her sexual ability and the amount of men she'd been shagging.

SamW98 · 23/04/2021 16:52

He used my laptop to check his emails and then months later I typed in Hotmail to look into opening my own back up account and it automatically went straight into his.

I shouldn't have looked but I did and I saw emails and photos of him with an older (as in pensioner age) woman dressed in a PVC nurses outfit all over him and him telling her what a sexy naughty dirty girl she is and that he can't control his c**k when she's around and that its their secret.
I know who this woman is and so confronted him. Even with that evidence he denied everything and said it was 'banter'

I've since found out that this wasn't a one off and that he was still with his ex gf - again who I have met - when I met him and they had a casual on and off thing all the way through

It actually disgusts me that not only he lied to my face but his so called ex gf knew all about me and was happy to casually sleep with him knowing we were in a relationship

crystaltips98 · 23/04/2021 17:04

While i was away. The house phone bill read like this.
12:00midnight. 45 min call to unknown mobile
Call to a premier inn
Call to a taxi firm.
He claimed they were discussing the premier league!

everythingcrossed · 23/04/2021 17:10

An acquaintance of mine was at home one Saturday afternoon when there was a knock at the door and a Mail on Sunday journalist asked if she knew her husband of many years was having an affair. Neither of them were celebrities - it was very much in the "vicar has affair with choir member" type story. It meant that not only did her life blow up but, by the next day, everyone she knew was gossiping about it.

OurChristmasMiracle · 23/04/2021 17:16

Added to a group chat New Year’s Eve. Told me it was his old flat mate and a colleague. Message was work related. Couple of months later got a call from him on way home telling me not to answer my phone to any unknown calls and he would tell me everything when ge got home but he had fucked up.

He didn’t come home. I went to work and on route got messages from 1 of the 2 other women he was supposedly in a relationship with as well as 15 other women he had been sleeping with.

SandersD · 23/04/2021 17:17

Friend rang me asking when we had split up because she had just seen him on a dating website Hmm

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 23/04/2021 17:28

He didn't shut the laptop down properly so when l used it and clicked on restore last session it was right there in front of me - didn't take a genius to work out where and when they had met. But that was the biggest favour he ever did me so no hard feelings!

VikingsandDragons · 23/04/2021 17:29

When the bank called me to say there was suspicious activity on my credit card, it had been used in Paris for several large transactions including a hotel, bike hire, two meals out. I immediately cancelled it and asked them to escalate it as fraud. An hour later I had a very angry phone call from my then boyfriend asking why MY bank card (not a joint account, he had quit 7 jobs in 2 years) wasn't working and he looked like an idiot as now he had no money! He had told me he was going to Wales to see his cousin who had had a breakdown. Still no clue how he got back from Paris, still don't care Grin

CirclesWithinCircles · 23/04/2021 17:31

I had a very good looking, shy and seemingly innocent boyfriend once and when I got into a relationship with him, a lot of women in our mutual sport were envious of me, because many had tried and been turned down by him. I felt like I'd hit the jackpot. All went swimmingly for a good 18 months until one day he phoned me up sounding very strange to tell me he was "seeing someone else now".

The "someone else" turned out to be 2 women clients he had (think personal trainer related) whom he was shagging. One was 28 and the other 59 and married with children, so he wasn't fussy about age (he was 40 at the time). The most disgusting thing of all is that he continued to charge at least one of them while he was shagging her and he might have been charging the other one as well. He didn't even have many clients as he was really lazy and lived off his parents so it almost felt like I had dated a male prostitute. I still feel I haven't found out everything.

I did later find out that a mutual male friend who also did the same sport as us had seen him with at least two other women and had insisted he owned up or else he was going to do it for him. For that I will be eternally grateful.

I've never seen him since that phone call.

WeAllHaveWings · 23/04/2021 17:37

We had a married couple in our work who were on holiday when the first day there the wife was getting texts from her boss, she left her phone unattended when she popped to the loo and he decided to tell her boss (who he knew) to stop texting her on holiday and found out it was a bloke (also married) from the warehouse instead.

Dont think they enjoyed much of their two week break after that! The aftermath when they all are back at work went on for years.

diddl · 23/04/2021 17:44

I found a hair comb between the sofa cushions. Thought it was mine, left it on a table.

Couple of days later found mine...

Also pretty certain that there was a time when as I went in the front door she went out the back...

PuckleP · 23/04/2021 17:46

He told me the affair was over. I suspected not a few months later, checked her FB page to find a picture of the two of them. She'd also stated that she loved spending time with her gorgeous boyfriend! As my best friend said "he may be a lot of things, but gorgeous he's not".

mariominder · 23/04/2021 17:51

This was the olden days - no mobile phones, no texts, no Instagram, no Facebook . . . and really no deception involved. Bf of a year or so mentioned that an old friend from Scandinavia was coming to visit for a few days, then never contacted me again. I drove around the next day to where he lived, hammered on door of room: I'm sure they were there. Drove away again in tears, parked car and dropped keys accidentally down drain. Well shot of him though, and got a nice AA man to sort the key thing eventually.

rc22 · 23/04/2021 18:10

Ex always had strong female friendships

SunshineCake · 23/04/2021 18:14

[quote Parkerwhereareyou]@ShutUpAlex

... was at a loss for words reading what happened to you. Still am.

And to everyone.

Have to say I don't understand who these women are either. I mean, I know some of them are of course also being lied to etc, but those who aren't - who know the score - it's just such a bad thing to be involved in, really.

The pain all this causes is physical. It's a terrible wound to inflict on someone you 'love'. Bloody hell.

oh @Tnytears - it's turned into a sobering thread![/quote]
It was never going to be a funny thread.

username12345T · 23/04/2021 18:16

@VikingsandDragons

When the bank called me to say there was suspicious activity on my credit card, it had been used in Paris for several large transactions including a hotel, bike hire, two meals out. I immediately cancelled it and asked them to escalate it as fraud. An hour later I had a very angry phone call from my then boyfriend asking why MY bank card (not a joint account, he had quit 7 jobs in 2 years) wasn't working and he looked like an idiot as now he had no money! He had told me he was going to Wales to see his cousin who had had a breakdown. Still no clue how he got back from Paris, still don't care Grin
omfg!! He demanded to know why you had stopped his cash flow for his romantic trip! wtaf! The sheer entitlement and narcissism is staggering.
MrsBerthaRochester · 23/04/2021 18:16

When he had a threesome with two sex workers and it appeared in a national newspaper. True story.

rc22 · 23/04/2021 18:18

Posted too soon there!! Ex always had strong friendships with women as he was doing a uni course at the time that was female dominated. There was this one girl that seemed different and I just suspected something was wrong. I couldn't prove it so did nothing. Anyway she moved abroad and me and him split up amicably a couple of months later so I asked him straight if anything had gone on. He said no but admitted he had been, " a little bit in love with her." Another couple of months passed and he asked if we could get back together saying he would never see her again. We got back together and one day I was trying to make plans for a weekend. He said he wasn't free but was very cagey about what was he was doing instead. It turned out she was returning home and he was picking her up from the airport. A couple of weeks later he finished me for her. I'm still fuming that he begged me to get back together when I assume this had been going on all along.

username12345T · 23/04/2021 18:18

@diddl

I found a hair comb between the sofa cushions. Thought it was mine, left it on a table.

Couple of days later found mine...

Also pretty certain that there was a time when as I went in the front door she went out the back...

I had this. I came back from work and he had a 'work colleague' with him. Only realised later that she was an escort. I was chatting to her as well.
Applesonthelawn · 23/04/2021 18:24

Cleaning under the bed I found a list of girl's names, sorted chronologically, then by nationality. Mine wasn't the last name on the list.