DP said I'm 'parring my baby off' by going back to work.

[captainfran]

This has come out of nowhere. I'm going back to work next week, full time. Part time isn't an option, unfortunately. 1 year old DS will be in nursery 4 days a week (my mum will be having him for one day). We won't be much better off financially but I suppose the main reason is I'm bored shitless at home (as well as career progression). I know things are opening back up now but we've just moved to a new area and there really isn't much to do around here anyway. All of the baby groups here fall on DS's nap times.

Anyway, after being seemingly supportive DP has just told me that he doesn't think it's worth it financially and he doesn't particularly want our baby in nursery 4 days a week and that we'll both be more stressed. He then said I'm parring my baby off and will only see him at weekends. Firstly this is simply not true, I will finish at 4:30 most days. He then basically said that I have no friends and why can't I just make friends with other mums if I'm bored. Never mind the fact that he has basically been a 'weekend dad' since DS was 2 weeks old and all of his friends except 1 he's met through work.

I'm really shocked and upset. I feel bad enough as it is about going back to work.

Men like this are so transparent - nursery is the red herring he couldn't give a shit who looks after their DC as long as they don't have to do the donkey work and have it impact their life in any way

And don't make the same mistake I did when I went back to work by making me the one who did all the wife work on top of work (sorting bags/letters/spares/every pick up drop off etc)

Stop doing everything for him. Tell him to pull his fingers out his arse and take some responsibility

This is why men should be given paternity leave, not shared leave - leave they have to take. It's not right that fathers can squelch their way out of ever facing up to the responsibility of raising a child. Playing with them a bit at weekends is not the same as being in the thick of it with playdough in your hair and snot on your shirt.

I'd get him to take a week off work to look after DS and you have a rest. I think sometimes men just decide women must have some kind of gene that makes it easier for them to do childcare and housework, rather than it being equally hard for men and women.

Do you pronounce parred like paired? I think it's pared, pared off like cutting something with a paring knife, splitting the baby off from you and making him separate.

That's what I thought and 'parring' was a typo.

Op, pay no attention to your husband, go to work if you want to. It is boring being at home all the time, you'll feel better for having a job.

can you just tell him to button it with his hypocritical opinion and that youre no more offloading the kid than he is.

You might not be better off financially day to day, but think of your career progression, pension, paid holiday and sick leave, all of these count. Also, you deserve to do whatever you want, he sounds like a twat. You are a good role model for your baby. I hope the new job goes well!

Firstly even if it isn't bringing in a huge amount more now you will reap the benefits in pension payments when you are retired. Secondly one is a great age to start nursery, DC will have a great time. Thirdly, if he feels that strongly then your DP can look into shared parental leave now that you are returning to work. Gosh he sounds like a total bellend on this one OP. Tell him it's no more his job to dictate what you should do all day than it is your to dictate his.

To answer a few questions:

I'm in my twenties, no not married but we don't have much in savings anyway. Own a house jointly. I don't think he was like this before or at least I didn't see it. We were both quite lazy before, certainly never argued about housework or meal planning. I suppose I changed and he hasn't. I'm not sure what he thought having a baby would be like, he wanted DS just as much as me. He did do nights feeds one night a week but hated it, he does give me one lie in a week, only until 7:30 because he can't cope with DS on his own for any longer. I've realised he makes me feel guilty asking anything more from him and I really shouldn't. I couldn't imagine him ever taking DS swimming on his own or anything like that as a PP mentioned .

He still isn't talking to me, I don't know what to think. I thought he would have apologised by now. He does have a tendency to say things he doesn't mean which I have trouble understanding (I never say something unless I mean it).

Thank you to everyone who's been so kind. It's so nice to know that I'm not scarring DS for life by putting him in nursery .

I say 'parred' as in par for the course. Not sure where that's come from I've just googled it and nothing .

What's really disingenuous and grim here is that he's used your natural desire to love your DC, as a tool to guilt you into accepting a position as 'much less important' than him. This is a man who is supposed to love you and support you.

" He did do nights feeds one night a week but hated it, he does give me one lie in a week, only until 7:30 because he can't cope with DS on his own for any longer. I've realised he makes me feel guilty asking anything more from him and I really shouldn't. I couldn't imagine him ever taking DS swimming on his own or anything like that as a PP mentioned."

Wow he may as well not be there at all
What is the point of him ?
Maybe think about splitting might be easier than catering to dp s needs

Maybe it’s time to remind him that,if you were getting divorced, he would still at the very least have his baby EOW. Which means it’s really time for him to actually learn how to parent his dc and to be able to ‘cope’ being a parent for a whole day.

And he would have to do all his cleaning/cooking/ironing etc... wo anyone there to do it for him....

Well then, I’m sure he’ll be perfectly happy giving up his career to raise his child....

I would arrange a night away without DS so he has to cope and fast.

While he's sulking, use the time to draw up a list of chores that are going to need to be split now you're going back to work and ask him what ones he wants to take on. May as well use his time productively. Twat.

I reckon he feels guilty that your dc will be in childcare 4 days a week, and feels like because you're the mum it's innately built in that you should be the one providing care. I would say to him that you need your career for all the reasons listed by others. Your own security and future and your sanity and to be you still. Ask him to request working 4 days compressed hours, to reduce nursery days to 3. And say that you need to split household tasks and want to work out who will do what.

Ok then he can go down to 2.5 days work and so do you. Oh, he doesn't want to go part time and split it equally? Then he's just parring the childcare off on you then isn't he...

Also, don't worry my partner was in nursery full time from 3 months old and is extremely well balanced and is close to his mum. It won't harm him.

Do not even consider going PT unless you are married (not that I'm sure he's the right person to marry). If you have a house and pensions you have savings. 7.30 is not a long lie.

he does give me one lie in a week, only until 7:30 because he can't cope with DS on his own for any longer

But if you are not there, then he will have to fucking deal with his child won't he? So maybe you go out for a morning on a weekend. You have been expected to get on with it, it is high tide he did the same. If you are not there for him to pass the baby over to then he will have to suck it up.

You definitely need to go back to work. He needs to understand that he can reduce his hours or work longer days over less days to look after his child if he doesn't like the idea of nursery.

As he has clearly never looked after his own child for more than a few minutes how dare he think it is sitting on your arse.

People I know who aren't married so all childcare is equally shared often have a deal where both do compressed hours, 5 in 4 or 4 days a week and then the dc spends 3 days in nursery and 1 with each parent in the week.

No way would I give in to the you should feel more guilty crap.

He's damn lucky you have a GP willing to have the dc one day a week -that's more than he's stepping up.

Don't give up your job, you're going to need it. Do not end up relying on him financially because you will end up trapped, having to ask permission every time you or DS needs food, clothes, shoes...

With P who does not pull his weight with your child and the house I would not become financially dependent on him.

You’re not married if you split you’d be stuffed. Although you jointly own the house so you’d have some financial fallback there.

Do not give up a rewarding career and future prospects to become the house elf.

I put mine in nursery at a year old and they’re thriving, and thoroughly enjoying themselves learning through play and making friends their age.

He doesn’t sound like much of a father or partner.

7:30 is not a lie in at all.

There’s another thread running where posters are outraged the female OP didn’t let her P have a lie in and woke him at 10am the poor lamb 🙄

He did do nights feeds one night a week but hated it,he does give me one lie in a week, only until 7:30 because he can't cope with DS on his own for any longer.

Oh for fuck's sake.

I've realised he makes me feel guilty asking anything more from him and I really shouldn't. I couldn't imagine him ever taking DS swimming on his own or anything like that as a PP mentioned.

What is the point of him? Why did he have a child? And no, of course you shouldn't feel guilty. Why do you? Why doesn't he?

He does have a tendency to say things he doesn't mean

Why do you think he doesn't mean them when he treats you with such contempt and disrespect and has no interest in his own child?

This is just awful, OP. Whatever you do, whatever guilt trip shite this twat throws at you, do NOT give up your job.

I've also just realised - you're not married? Meaning you're even more vulnerable legally and financially and making it even more important you return to work full time ASAP

This is why men should be given paternity leave, not shared leave

I would say it's why we need mandatory paternity leave actually and completely separate to mat leave

no not married but we don't have much in savings anyway.

Not the only reason that marriage is important, there are several threads on the importance for women ESPECIALLY sahm

He did do nights feeds one night a week but hated it

Tough!!! Does it fill you with joy at 3am???

he does give me one lie in a week, only until 7:30 because he can't cope with DS on his own for any longer.

1 - that's NOT a lie in!

2 - as per my earlier post then it's high time he bloody learned to take care of HIS son! What the hell would he do if you became incapacitated or even died?

He still isn't talking to me silent treatment is a form of mental abuse. He needs to cut that crap out now! He's waiting for you to acquiesce

Maybe it’s time to remind him that,if you were getting divorced, he would still at the very least have his baby EOW get so so sick of seeing this kind of nonsense posted. It's absolutely not true. There is no legal way to make a parent care for their child and millions of men walk away from their dc all the time in the Uk. Even cm is woefully under enforced

He's taking you for a mug and emotionally neglecting his child. What an arse!

Honestly? I don’t know how and why women procreate with these wankers. So he wants you to do all the domestic work because he’s not feeling up for it?

I’m fifty two op, I’m the main bread winner, my husband is a high earner in his own right. When I had my daughter 23 years ago, I was not the main breadwinner, he was, by far, but I went back to work after four months, if my husband had said to me what your partner has said to you, he’d have been a part time father and I’d have picked my child uo and fucked off out of it. And trust me he knew that all day long.

Stand your ground and make him step up. Don’t take this shit. Not even an ounce of it, your future self and your child will thank you.