DP said I'm 'parring my baby off' by going back to work.

[captainfran]

This has come out of nowhere. I'm going back to work next week, full time. Part time isn't an option, unfortunately. 1 year old DS will be in nursery 4 days a week (my mum will be having him for one day). We won't be much better off financially but I suppose the main reason is I'm bored shitless at home (as well as career progression). I know things are opening back up now but we've just moved to a new area and there really isn't much to do around here anyway. All of the baby groups here fall on DS's nap times.

Anyway, after being seemingly supportive DP has just told me that he doesn't think it's worth it financially and he doesn't particularly want our baby in nursery 4 days a week and that we'll both be more stressed. He then said I'm parring my baby off and will only see him at weekends. Firstly this is simply not true, I will finish at 4:30 most days. He then basically said that I have no friends and why can't I just make friends with other mums if I'm bored. Never mind the fact that he has basically been a 'weekend dad' since DS was 2 weeks old and all of his friends except 1 he's met through work.

I'm really shocked and upset. I feel bad enough as it is about going back to work.

Tell him he is free to do childcare all week if he feels that strongly or is it only palming off your child if its the mum going back to work?
He needs a reality check about womens careers andb mens parental responsibility. Its his child too.

Simple and quick response - "oh so you're gonna be a sahd then seeing as you feel so strongly about this?" Yea don't think so! Sexist knob

But also you need to address the "weekend dad" crap which ideally should have been addressed much earlier, but then I'm guessing you also do all the housework and household mental load too?

2nd thread today alone of an op with an oh who contributes pretty much fuck all to family life. Why why why are you women of younger generations putting up with this crap? It seems to mostly be women around age 30 Ish?

I'm 48 and never would have, my dd is 20 and wouldn't. But I notice the women I know say 30-35 do - why is that?

And don’t become the only person to deal with nursery, take time off for illnesses (get this agreement sorted NOW that 50% of the illness he takes time off), do drop-offs and pick-ups, take on all the housework and shopping and cooking etc.

Put his name and number first on all the nursery forms. I did this for my second after being Default Phone Call From Nursery Recipient for my first. It was EXCELLENT. They still occasionally called me first because I’m female but they called him first more.

Well, he can go and boil his head in a bag. Why is this your problem? If he thinks it's an issue, he's absolutely free to adjust his own work schedule but oh no, that's 'different'. Wanker.

Has he always been a misogynistic arse? It’s alarmingly common, this societal/cultural expectation that the woman will give up work, that the nursery bill is apportioned against her salary. Realistically, if you are career focussed you do need to be working, otherwise you will miss the boat on development and progression.

A good compromise is for both parents to go to 80% FTE, or to condense hours, to save on the nursery bill. But basically, you need to do what you want. It’s not up to him!

Wow - he can reduce his hours or quit if he’s that bothered. It’s a Shane you only found out what a twat he is now you have a child

That's the thing. He's always found having DS on his own very hard, even now. He's even said to me 'I don't know how you do it' so I'm so confused as to why he thinks I should be able to cope with it when he can't, even for a day. Yes I've done all of the housework ever since he was born, it was fine at first tbh as he was a very chilled baby but lately comments like why is there nothing for dinner (there is just nothing he wants) or wow it's a mess in here as if I'm just sat doing nothing all day.

Have a serious discussion about shared responsibility

Yes, this is important because I predict you'll have further resistance from him over sharing housework and childcare in your "down time".

It is tricky to juggle full time work with a small child. There'll be days when your ds is unwell, needs collecting early, or has a doctor's appointment or whatever and it shouldn't be you who always takes time off work for those things.

Equally there needs to be a new agreement over sharing chores, cooking and house admin etc.

I think it's dawning on your dh how you working will impact him hence his U turn.

He's a hypocritical, sexist dickhead who needs to wind his neck in.

@daisyjgrey

Parred off is a thing, it's just a slang thing rather than proper terminology.

Thank you, thought I was going mad for a minute

A shame - no idea how Shane is relevant!

@RandomMess

So if you go part time in September is he going to top up your pension, are you going to be allowed to look after your child or just expected to get all the housework done?

You aren't married so seriously consider whether you are prepared to compromise your career/earning potential for him. He has not financial commitment to you only to pay CMS for your DC.

Good point, I definitely won't be going part time if that's his attitude!

Wow. I can’t even start with the double standards, sexist gobshite that this “D”H has spat out

Definitely don't go part time especially if he is a DP & not a DH!

I'm sure "parred" is a golf term? As in he scored par on a hole or that's par for the course

@captainfran

That's the thing. He's always found having DS on his own very hard, even now. He's even said to me 'I don't know how you do it' so I'm so confused as to why he thinks I should be able to cope with it when he can't, even for a day. Yes I've done all of the housework ever since he was born, it was fine at first tbh as he was a very chilled baby but lately comments like why is there nothing for dinner (there is just nothing he wants) or wow it's a mess in here as if I'm just sat doing nothing all day.

Because you're a woman and he considers your role in life to be serving him.

Don't let him sabotage your return to work. You deserve to have financial independence and a varied, fulfilling life with friendships and activity outside the home.

You also deserve a partner who respects you, supports you, and pulls his weight (without you asking, without complaining and without doing a crap job of things to try and manipulate you into doing everything for him).

@PriestessofPing

Yea my suspicions would be on him not wanting to share housework, free time and childcare outside working hours more equally. Sounds like wants you at home, cleaning, cooking, raising his child, while he has his life and career and can come ho e to be master of the house. (Not to mention he’d be the one in control of finances while you have to go to him for money). Trouble is the 1950s were a long fucking time ago. Tell him times have changed.

I agree this is probably what is going on. I am guessing that he has never spent any time alone with the baby? Therefore the baby is 'yours'.

@captainfran

That's the thing. He's always found having DS on his own very hard, even now. He's even said to me 'I don't know how you do it' so I'm so confused as to why he thinks I should be able to cope with it when he can't, even for a day. Yes I've done all of the housework ever since he was born, it was fine at first tbh as he was a very chilled baby but lately comments like why is there nothing for dinner (there is just nothing he wants) or wow it's a mess in here as if I'm just sat doing nothing all day.

Wow. What a delightful partner you have. Do not even consider going part time, never mind giving up. Now more than ever you need to build up savings in your own name. Make sure you're not left paying all the childcare bill out of your salary. He has shown his true colours, expects a live in maid to cook and clean for him and mind the baby 24/7. You need to wise up, start leaving him to mind the baby at weekends while you visit your mum or go for a long walk with a friend. Leave any mess for him to tidy up. Let him cook a few dinners.

I wet back to work full time for the same reasons. Don't let him bully you into going pt, or a sahm. You're not married so have no financial security via him.

As for his comment, tell him the child is his, so he's as responsible for palming off his child or staying at home to look after your dc.

@SmileyClare

I'm sure "parred" is a golf term? As in he scored par on a hole or that's par for the course

I actually googled before replying in case I was totally misunderstanding the post and didn't get any results that seemed right so had to guess what it might mean

Keep your job. Get rid of the nasty, sexist pig of a DP. Then you'll get EOW free.

I couldn't even look at him if I were you.

I agree, you going back to work has opened a can of worms now and has revealed a rather selfish misogynistic side to your partner.

I've just realised you're not married which also means your in a precarious position financially by being a SAHM.

I'm not saying Leave the bastard, but these issues need sorting out pronto.

A sexist twat who uses mum guilt (because dads don't have to be guilty, that's "not the same") to coerce you into being financially dependent and stuck doing all the shitwork.

You're not married, so you absolutely need to maintain your financial independence. And consider why he thinks you and not he should be guilt tripped by parenthood into a life that would make you miserable.

Ignore him. I'd like to see him at home 7 days a week with a baby. Being a stay at home mum isn't for everyone (it wasn't for me) and going back to work provides such much more - it isn't always about the money. I found it made me a better mum as the time I spent with my son was quality time.

With an attitude like his, OP, I would take a good long look at your partner and see what he is actually bringing to the table now, and in the future.

I would strongly agree that you should ensure your own finances are independent and able to support your pension and that you have separate savings of your own, etc (which he's unable to access) because it doesn't sound as he has any respect for you as an equal in this relationship.

Also be very careful not to conceive another child whilst his attitude is so selfish as it will be much harder for you with a young child and a baby..

Stay strong @captainfran. 🌹