Page 6 | DP said I'm 'parring my baby off' by going back to work.

Sandra15 · 21/04/2021 21:30

@captainfran He still isn't talking to me, I don't know what to think.'

Well isn't he a treat? I think he should bloody well grow up!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/04/2021 21:31

What an absolute fucking shite.

It's hard returning to work, and picking up where you left off, and worrying about your baby settling in to nursery. He should be supporting you not undermining you.

'It's different for you'...because you're a woman and the default parent and he cant even deal with his own child til half fucking 7 in the morning.

Honestly I think youd be best off just leaving him. He will slowly grind you down otherwise. At least then you will be away from the negativity and there is a chance he will spend some one on one time with his child

WeatherwaxOn · 21/04/2021 21:36

Sounds like you have a baby and a manbaby in the house.
If he doesn't want your child to go to nursery to allow you to go back to work then he needs to give up some of his time.

My DC was in nursery 3 days a week at 8m as I went back into education. As things turned out, I am currently a SAHP but this suits both me and DH. He does his fair share of parenting, but is self employed which means his hours don't always fit around school hours.
We don't need me to be working, and I have enough voluntary involvement in things to keep me occupied. Realise this would not work for everyone, but right now it suits us.

Can't stand the way men guilt women into abandoning their careers because they feel they are more important, and play the "you're better at housework/night feeds/playing with the baby..".
They need to grow up or go.

SarahBellam · 21/04/2021 21:39

Well done on having two children; one about a year old and one in his mid 20s. He needs a rude awakening. You are both parents and you shoulder equal responsibility. He wants someone to do all the wife work so he can continue being a lazy irresponsible shitpile.

DarcyLewis · 21/04/2021 21:40

He’s panicking that you’re not going to be fully focussed on catering to him anymore.

I bet someone at work has mentioned that he’ll have to do nursery runs and cook dinner sometimes now you’re not on maternity leave and he’s decided that’s not his idea of a good time.

Welshgal85 · 21/04/2021 21:40

I agree with what others have said OP you need to have it out with him. He is assuming that as you are the woman that all the childcare/household responsibilities should fall to you, it’s misogynistic crap! It’s his child too and his home too so he needs to do his share and it shouldn’t be as if he is doing you a favour when he does.

I bet he isn’t willing to reduce his working hours or give up his job is he? But has no problem suggesting you do it! He needs to grow up and realise being in a relationship means being a partnership, supporting eachother and working together not expecting one person to do all the housework and childcare. He is being very unfair to you. Please don’t feel guilty for wanting to go back to work and make friends, I’m sure he doesn’t feel guilty about his job and social time!

Scottishskifun · 21/04/2021 21:42

@captainfran yep you need that Frank discussion that isn't acceptable at all he's a parent!

He needs to learn how to interact and care for his son this won't happen if you constantly let him away with frankly terrible behaviour.

Book an afternoon tea with your friends and let him cope for a few hours have some downtime yourself.
Stay in bed past 7.30! He needs to learn to be a dad breakfast and playing isn't difficult at 1!
Get on a waiting list for swimming lessons at the weekend and tell him he's taking your son to it for bonding.

Mostly nip this all down now as it's not the 1950s

GoldBar · 21/04/2021 21:42

What does he add to your life? You need to go back to work and maintain your earning potential so you have the option to kick him into touch if when he doesn't start pulling his weight around the house and with your DC at evenings and weekends.

timeisnotaline · 21/04/2021 21:43

@captainfran

That's the thing. He's always found having DS on his own very hard, even now. He's even said to me 'I don't know how you do it' so I'm so confused as to why he thinks I should be able to cope with it when he can't, even for a day. Yes I've done all of the housework ever since he was born, it was fine at first tbh as he was a very chilled baby but lately comments like why is there nothing for dinner (there is just nothing he wants) or wow it's a mess in here as if I'm just sat doing nothing all day.

It’s easy.he thinks it’s fine for you to do because you don’t matter, it’s not real unless its happening to him. You are just there to be useful, not to have feelings, complain, or share the load. Ugh.

SeaTurtles92 · 21/04/2021 21:45

Tell that sexist prick if you're palming him off than so is he. What the difference? Oh that you have a vagina...

He needs to grow up and if he feels that way then he needs to quit work the little scumbag.

C152 · 21/04/2021 21:50

@UhtredRagnarson

DP has just told me that he doesn't think it's worth it financially and he doesn't particularly want our baby in nursery 4 days a week and that we'll both be more stressed.

So he can quit his job and look after his child then. Why is he making this your problem?

This!

user1636853246842157 · 21/04/2021 21:50

He did do nights feeds one night a week but hated it, he does give me one lie in a week, only until 7:30 because he can't cope with DS on his own for any longer. I've realised he makes me feel guilty asking anything more from him and I really shouldn't.

This - and several of your other comments - are what coercive control looks like.

He makes it so difficult for you to do things that you give up and surrender to his control. He makes you feel guilty and responsible for his behaviour so you don't challenge him. He makes you feel this mistreatment is what you deserve so you accept it.

That's why he's not talking to you. He's expecting it to break you so you give in and do what he wants.

It's not unusual for controlling behaviour to become more noticeable and intensify during/after pregnancy - he estimates that the baby means it would be harder for you to break his control so he can get away with more.

I think you need to consider looking at support from yourself from places like Women's Aid and Freedom Programme.

There is no place for controlling behaviour like this in any relationship. It's not normal, it's not ok and it's not your fault.

timeisnotaline · 21/04/2021 21:51

When I went back after mat leave both times, dh took the calls from childcare and would do more than half the pick up your sick child events, to help me not look flaky as a returned mum. When he does drop off in the morning i didn’t pack baby’s bag for him, and when he does pick up at night he brings them home and feeds them. You aren’t married, he’s currently sulking because you are opting out of being the cook housekeeper, he’s never done much with your baby alone anyway? Time to start a crash course on relationship balance- where he parents, and does stuff around the house. Anyone who loved and respected you would go along with this. Anyone who thinks of you as a kitchen appliance would hate it of course. Have you texted him your extended sulk because I dared want balance in our lives is showing me a lot about what you really think? That you don’t want to care for our child and that deep down you don’t think I matter.

Wizzbangfizz · 21/04/2021 21:53

7.30 is not a lie in.

Can't cope excuses enrage me - he can cope just as you cope it's fucking laziness pure and simple. Don't enable him to be a shit dad and partner.

Opentooffers · 21/04/2021 21:53

So what does 'can't cope' look like. If it's pass the baby to you as you walk in the room, or likely, walk in the bedroom at 7.30 and say he's yours now, then that is Bs. Like another poster says, you need to walk out the door and leave him to it for a few hours, because right now he's choosing you as an easy option.
Some men seem to think women come magically equipped with an internal childcare manual, reality is both sexes are equally able and there is no magic.

GoWalkabout · 21/04/2021 22:00

The thing is he would feel so much better about himself if he did more and was supportive. I hope you work it out, but YANBU at all.

JackieTheFart · 21/04/2021 22:00

From one mother who went back at 8 months for exactly the same reason as you - tell him you're more than happy for him to stay at home and look after his son, and unlike him, you're confident and comfortable that your relationship with your son won't change (it really won't. I have a fab relationship with all mine).

But I agree with other posters, this sounds pretty sinister. FWIW, both my husband and I worked full time when my babies were small, but I had Tuesday off and did Saturday instead. Not ideal, but it was for less than a year, and it meant I felt I had more of an identity than just 'mum' - and ultimately yes it did help to progress my career. I had a lie in on Tuesday when he took the babes to nursery and then I spent the day doing stuff, and then I returned the favour. Our first were twins by the way and he never palmed them off on me as not coping.

Cherrysoup · 21/04/2021 22:01

Wow, tell your partner the 1950s want him back! Sexism, live and kicking and now demonstrating abusive behaviour by not talking to you because you challenged him?? You have to stay home but ‘it’s different for him’? In what way? In that he çant cope with his own child? What an idiot.

Fallyi · 21/04/2021 22:08

It sounds like he's happy for you to do absolutely everything while he has an easy life. Going back to work would upset the status quo. You definitely need to talk to him. He's just as capable of parenting and keeping a decent household...

TicTac80 · 21/04/2021 22:10

He sound like a nightmare! How dare he spring this on you with just a week to go?!

Don't listen to a word he says, re: palming your baby off. You're not doing that at all....any more than I did it with my two kids, or anyone else has done it with their kids. Both of my kids were in nursery from about 6-8months old (I couldn't afford to take mat leave beyond SMP time period). They both loved it at nursery, and they flourished. They're 7 and 14 now, and the nursery staff who looked after them still remember them from when they were babies (and vice versa - the nursery also has a holiday club attached, and staff retention there is excellent). I'm a single parent so my two have needed to be in childcare settings, but they're both fine.

My bro and SIL have a brilliant set up. Both still work FT, but they both condensed their FT hours into 4 day weeks, with each having a day off on a different day from the other. So their kids are in nursery/wrap around care for 3 days a week, and looked after by bro/SIL on the other two days. Housework, childcare, cooking, shopping etc is shared equally, as is dealing with when their kids are sick/need picking up early from school/nursery. They spend plenty of quality time together as a family. It can be done if both parents are on board with it.

If you quit work and become a SAHM, I'm betting that he'd make your life a nightmare by leaving you financially very vulnerable. With his attitude, I'd be wary as hell of capitulating to him. Keeping my job going through some real shit times during my marriage and when DD was born was bloody hard, but thank fuck I kept it, and kept my registration. I was the breadwinner, but had I quit to stay home with the kids/look after my now XH, I would have been completely shafted at the point he left. Good luck in your new job!! :D

Nanny0gg · 21/04/2021 22:12

@captainfran

That's the thing. He's always found having DS on his own very hard, even now. He's even said to me 'I don't know how you do it' so I'm so confused as to why he thinks I should be able to cope with it when he can't, even for a day. Yes I've done all of the housework ever since he was born, it was fine at first tbh as he was a very chilled baby but lately comments like why is there nothing for dinner (there is just nothing he wants) or wow it's a mess in here as if I'm just sat doing nothing all day.

Point the lazy git in the direction of the kitchen!

He is also capable of tidying up.

Does he ever do anything domestic?

EasterEggBelly · 21/04/2021 22:16

Yeah he needs to learn how to care for his child.

And the silent treatment? Urgh. So unattractive.

BlackMarauder · 21/04/2021 22:16

@captainfran So your DP wants a sahm but he hasn't married you? You know this guy's not worth the drama. Good on you going back to work but you've got a huge relationship problem. Prepare for him not to do his part at all while you work. He'll make it as difficult for you to work as possible. This is not a real man. I'm sorry you're tied to him through your DC but you don't have to be his slave.

If he's saying hurtful things regularly, he does mean them. Don't trick yourself into believing otherwise.

Veterinari · 21/04/2021 22:27

@captainfran

To answer a few questions:

I'm in my twenties, no not married but we don't have much in savings anyway. Own a house jointly. I don't think he was like this before or at least I didn't see it. We were both quite lazy before, certainly never argued about housework or meal planning. I suppose I changed and he hasn't. I'm not sure what he thought having a baby would be like, he wanted DS just as much as me. He did do nights feeds one night a week but hated it, he does give me one lie in a week, only until 7:30 because he can't cope with DS on his own for any longer. I've realised he makes me feel guilty asking anything more from him and I really shouldn't. I couldn't imagine him ever taking DS swimming on his own or anything like that as a PP mentioned .

He still isn't talking to me, I don't know what to think. I thought he would have apologised by now. He does have a tendency to say things he doesn't mean which I have trouble understanding (I never say something unless I mean it).

Thank you to everyone who's been so kind. It's so nice to know that I'm not scarring DS for life by putting him in nursery .

I say 'parred' as in par for the course. Not sure where that's come from I've just googled it and nothing .

The issue isn't you going back to work. In fact it's the best thing you can do. You need to safeguard your income so you aren't financially dependent on a sexist lazy feckless arsehole who can't be bothered to parent his own child and has 1950s expectations of you

EarthSight · 21/04/2021 22:27

@captainfran

To answer a few questions:

I'm in my twenties, no not married but we don't have much in savings anyway. Own a house jointly. I don't think he was like this before or at least I didn't see it. We were both quite lazy before, certainly never argued about housework or meal planning. I suppose I changed and he hasn't. I'm not sure what he thought having a baby would be like, he wanted DS just as much as me. He did do nights feeds one night a week but hated it, he does give me one lie in a week, only until 7:30 because he can't cope with DS on his own for any longer. I've realised he makes me feel guilty asking anything more from him and I really shouldn't. I couldn't imagine him ever taking DS swimming on his own or anything like that as a PP mentioned .

He still isn't talking to me, I don't know what to think. I thought he would have apologised by now. He does have a tendency to say things he doesn't mean which I have trouble understanding (I never say something unless I mean it).

Thank you to everyone who's been so kind. It's so nice to know that I'm not scarring DS for life by putting him in nursery .

I say 'parred' as in par for the course. Not sure where that's come from I've just googled it and nothing .

Oh no. He's basically made it so that you start asking less and less of him until you are doing absolutely everything with no choice in the matter.

he doesn't particularly want our baby in nursery 4 days a week and that we'll both be more stressed

Of course both of you will be more stressed! He'll be asked to do more which will stress him out, but you're the one who's likely to get stressed as well because despite working 4 days a week you'll still be expected to do everything.....because after all, you chose to go back to work, you see, so why should he have to do extra when he was so kind giving you the option to stay at home? I'm not feeling positive about your future because your husband is simply not supportive of something quite important and might resent you which is unhealthy. Nobody likes living in someone else's disapproval.

I couldn't imagine him ever taking DS swimming on his own or anything like that as a PP mentioned sad.

It's called parenting and it suits him that you feel like you have to do everything. Gosh, he better hope you don't leave him.....because then he would actually have to look after the kids if he gets 50/50 custody. He probably assumes you would want the kids most of the time, but I wonder if he's ever imagined you saying 'nope - you're having them for 3 days a week'.