DP said I'm 'parring my baby off' by going back to work.

[captainfran]

This has come out of nowhere. I'm going back to work next week, full time. Part time isn't an option, unfortunately. 1 year old DS will be in nursery 4 days a week (my mum will be having him for one day). We won't be much better off financially but I suppose the main reason is I'm bored shitless at home (as well as career progression). I know things are opening back up now but we've just moved to a new area and there really isn't much to do around here anyway. All of the baby groups here fall on DS's nap times.

Anyway, after being seemingly supportive DP has just told me that he doesn't think it's worth it financially and he doesn't particularly want our baby in nursery 4 days a week and that we'll both be more stressed. He then said I'm parring my baby off and will only see him at weekends. Firstly this is simply not true, I will finish at 4:30 most days. He then basically said that I have no friends and why can't I just make friends with other mums if I'm bored. Never mind the fact that he has basically been a 'weekend dad' since DS was 2 weeks old and all of his friends except 1 he's met through work.

I'm really shocked and upset. I feel bad enough as it is about going back to work.

Your dp sounds selfish and immature. A bit hopeless too if he can't last past 7.30 am looking after a one year old. I used to envy stay at home mothers as I was back fulltime six weeks after a c-section both times. I think I had a lucky escape now. My husband did all the night feeds with bottles for me for the second baby so I could get some decent sleep. We hired a cleaning lady and made sure we had a dishwasher. I am so glad I kept my career up. The eldest is in med school - costs a fortune in another city - and the youngest is at university in our home town so I think they turned out all right. Sometime at evening pick up they didn't want to leave the creche they went to because they were having too much fun.

@diddl

I think it's an individual person thing!

I was born in the early 60s.

My dad did physical work, often 12hrs & Sat morn but still did night feeds on a Fri or Sat to give mum a break.

I remember him taking us out on Sunday mornings so that he could have time with us & mum could have time to herself.

And then they'd cook lunch together.

I don't think that he was unusual in what he did.

My dad was very similar. I was born early 80s. The only thing my dad didn't do was breastfeed but he was 100% behind my mum who chose to do extended breastfeeding. Sadly for him he was chucked out of baby groups / play groups for being a man.

It's stayed with me as I realise I won't accept DH not doing similar. We are a team and we both parent.

Btw Op. My dcs loved nursery. They all started at 12 months old and are lovely , well balanced and independent young people

It's the bare faced cheek of it that annoys me most, like what kind of a brass neck do you need to have to come out with such double standarded sexist shite? he's basically telling you you're not as important as him, women aren't as important as men and their "place is in the kitchen" It boils my blood aaarrgghh

@Stitchandapples

While I appreciate you don't want to lose any time with your children, that is a bit of a selfish reason to stay in a situation that is teaching them what a relationship looks like. That this is what male / female relationship dynamics look like. They will take that into adulthood and likely replicate it. I couldn't live with giving them that legacy, perpetuating this cycle.

You're showing them through your actions that the way your partner treats you, his expectations of you and the fact you're absolutely exhausted is normal / acceptable / healthy. It isn't. You're showing them through your actions that a mummy should work, do the housework, look after the kids and put everyone before herself but a daddy only has to work because children and cleaning are women's jobs.

OP i saw you asked about paying childcare if you were to split. My universal credit payout covers 85% of childcare bills.

You can see how much you could get to help with this and other costs on one of the many online benefits calculators.

Just another voice adding that my partner dropped off/collected my boys for years in his work van, still does. As someone else said, it’s just the first excuse.

Good luck x

Not RTFT but aside from anything else, never ever give up your full time job if you are unmarried. You leave yourself in a very vulnerable financial situation with no obligation on your (ex) partner to provide for you if things go wrong.
If you did split up, they'd take account of his income, your income and outgoings like nursery fees.
Nursery fees would certainly not all be on your shoulders.

Your "D"P sounds like someone who would be happy for you to give up your career to make his life easier but when life for you got easier, son in school full time for example, he'd be the first to accuse you of spongeing off him sitting around having coffee while he works hard.
I've seen it on here before.
I repeat, do not give up your job in any capacity.

TBF My DH doesnt do any pick up's or drop offs however he is home 1 hour before I am and in that time he hoovers and gets tea ready and empties the washing machine from my putting it on on the moring.

DS1 is in reception, I went back to work ft when he was 9 months. DS2 is 10 months, I returned to work on the 1st March. Both have done full time nursery and thrived. Neither have got nursery staff confused with their parents nor have they forgotten who we are, and unsurprisingly I do not at all feel like I've missed out on their lives.

In DS1 reception class, by looking at the kids I would have no idea who has been at home and who was in childcare. Their personalities grow whoever and wherever they are.

My issue is because my job pays a lot less than Dh’s he thinks it isn’t important and that there’s no stress. He is WRONG. I feel I work as hard as he does, albeit for a lot less money. So he basically thinks I don’t do anything much because my job is in healthcare and his is in business.
This is the reason everything is left to me. If I lost my job it wouldn’t matter.

What a twat. I suppose he’s also palming his baby off by being at work then? You aren’t doing it to go on your jollies or go out drinking, you deserve a career too.

OP this is all for his convenience and zero to do with the welfare of your child.

FWIW I went back to work after 3 months both times.

We couldn't afford for me not to.
The kids thrived and loved the interaction with other kids.
I needed to preserve my career. It was a case of short term pain for long term gain.
But the key was my DP did easily his 50%.

Thankfully you're wise to his antics. Keep it up!

If you split up @captainfran, and you got 50/50 shared care then you pay for childcare the days you use it, if your mum is doing the one day, that means your childcare bill would be lower than his half as she's subsiding one of your days.

I don't know how this works if your ex sees his child every other weekend or less but there are calculators.

@charliebrown59

If you split up *@captainfran*, and you got 50/50 shared care then you pay for childcare the days you use it, if your mum is doing the one day, that means your childcare bill would be lower than his half as she's subsiding one of your days.

I don't know how this works if your ex sees his child every other weekend or less but there are calculators.

This guy isn't going to do 50/50, he CBA'd even now.

Apologies if someone already mentioned this (I've read OP updates but not full thread. You returning to work is not just about the money you'll earn now - it's about protecting your future earnings. Your wage now may be entirely eaten up with nursery fees - but in a few years when you get free hours/school starts you can bet your earnings will be higher after returning to work after a year compared with if you had four/five years out of work. You might not be monetarily better off now, but you will be down the line!

Plus what everyone else said. In spades.

I’m still bastard reeling at him considering that 0730 is a lie in

He’d be gone for that assumption alone.

Seriously though OP, you’ve been given so much food for thought here.

The bottom line is that if you look after yourself and your happiness, that will always do you and your kids well.

Don’t rely on someone who hasn’t got your best interests at heart. You deserve a rock. You’ve got a fluffy cotton wool ball.

@Stitchandapples

My issue is because my job pays a lot less than Dh’s he thinks it isn’t important and that there’s no stress. He is WRONG. I feel I work as hard as he does, albeit for a lot less money. So he basically thinks I don’t do anything much because my job is in healthcare and his is in business. This is the reason everything is left to me. If I lost my job it wouldn’t matter.

So all he contributes is money. You're married. Divorce and you'll still have his money. You think a man who doesn't have a minute in the week to spend on his kids is suddenly going to want sole care of them half the time? He'll say it to scare you, he'd say he was the reincarnation of Marilyn Monroe and can fart rose petals if he thought it would scare you. Everything he does is based around not having to parent. What do you think he's REALLY going to do?

My DH did and still does do all the cooking and dishwashing. He does so much around the house. I do a lot of the organisation like school stuff but that's cos I'm really good at that and he used to be a chef. We play to our strengths. We shared drop off and pick up unless he was working away.

Your DP needs a reality check or a swift boot out the door!

Well then he can mind the baby!

Keep the job. It sounds like you will really need it soon

I'm just thinking about what my situation would be right now, with DC2 about to start his free childcare hours, if I'd stopped working when I had DC1 six years ago. I'm earning about 50% more in 4 days than I used to earn in 5, and training in an in-demand field alongside work as well. Plus six years of decent pension contributions. If I'd stopped working, I'd no doubt be struggling to get back in on less than I left as. Plus suicidally depressed, and probably divorced from the resentment.

I really think more dads should take SPL and have an extended period at home with the baby. It's verrrrry instructive for a dad to be the one left behind scrubbing Weetabix off the high chair and contemplating a day alone while mum swirls out the door nicely dressed, calling "Bye, darling!" DH did two months at home after I went back and I think it did a lot to make sure he understood what it's like to be at home with a child and always pulled his weight. I also got the school to delete my number in the first lockdown and now they always call him. It's bliss.

Sorry had to finish my post before I could get to your issues. OP I'm really sorry you're in this position and he's acting like such a dick. There is a small chance that if you take a hard line and call him on his shit he'll step up, but sadly I would have one eye on the door from now on. You definitely need to protect yourself.

People are saying that he's treating you like a 50s housewife.
No.
He's treating you worse than a 50s housewife.

If you were a 50s housewife, he'd have had to marry you and therefore entitle you to the protections and financial stability that marriage gives you. That was the trade off for a 50's housewife, shit as it was. You aren't' even getting that.

My boy went into daycare full time at 11 months. We were unmarried but also we were in a position where we couldn't afford for me not to go back to work. We paid a bit extra for a great creche though. I viewed one that was a lot cheaper but it looked miserable and made me miserable. The one I chose had such a happy vibe when I first saw it and it was the right choice. I made it clear that DP was equally flexible on emergency pick up of DS as I was (in fact with his job he was more flexible as he could WFH). Usually when the daycare would call, we'd have a quick call to see who had work commitments we could postpone or not, and decided who picked him up based on that.
DS is 9 now and outgoing, sociable, bright and has lots of friends. I still work FT.
As an Only, it brought along his development and social skills brilliantly mixing with other children and learning along with them. There were clingy days for sure, but he was actually fine and if there were days he didn't go to creche, he quickly got bored with just us to look at.
Sadly it seems you've a bumpy road ahead of you with this excuse for a man, so hold onto that financial independence until he either steps up or you get shot of him.

You definitely need to protect your financial situation and salary. No more dc and make sure you have a plan B, he is not a keeper by any stretch and you sound very unhappy generally.

I'm so sorry Op. Please don't give up your job or have any more children with this man. I would also start saving up a leaving fund if you can.

I think it's so easy to sleepwalk into these things. My late fil was a very hands on dad. Sadly I never really appreciated this until recently and he died 10 years ago. My dh isn't perfect, but we are fortunate enough to both work PT and take equals shares at the weekends.

@Underitall

And yes, do not have another child. It becomes harder, not easier.

I just remembered another beauty from DH - I had diastasis recti (sp?) after my second and was advised to do a post natal Pilates class whilst I waited for a referral. There was one at a local gym with a creche - I was told I was "dumping" DC in the creche for the hour I did the class. In the end my mum looked after DC in the gym cafe and I got comments like "alright for some" and "ladies that lunch" instead.

I just don't tell him now, he comments about things like holiday club - my eldest went to one for a week over Easter, I had used all my AL and I only needed him to go for a day (not worth asking DH to take the day off as I knew what the answer would be) but it was only available if you booked for the full 4 days - that I shouldn't send DS on the days I don't work (even though his friends were there and he would then turn up on day 3, not having done the previous 2 sessions). I ignored and DS loved it.
DH will not use his AL for childcare. The end. Holidays as a family only. Which means he often ends up with days left over - which he will conveniently take on days when there is no one at home.

In a whole year of lockdowns and homeschooling he took one day "to help" me - I had to work around it all.

I honestly would not have said this would be my life six years ago. Nip this in the bud NOW.

Then why are you still with him