DP said I'm 'parring my baby off' by going back to work.

[captainfran]

This has come out of nowhere. I'm going back to work next week, full time. Part time isn't an option, unfortunately. 1 year old DS will be in nursery 4 days a week (my mum will be having him for one day). We won't be much better off financially but I suppose the main reason is I'm bored shitless at home (as well as career progression). I know things are opening back up now but we've just moved to a new area and there really isn't much to do around here anyway. All of the baby groups here fall on DS's nap times.

Anyway, after being seemingly supportive DP has just told me that he doesn't think it's worth it financially and he doesn't particularly want our baby in nursery 4 days a week and that we'll both be more stressed. He then said I'm parring my baby off and will only see him at weekends. Firstly this is simply not true, I will finish at 4:30 most days. He then basically said that I have no friends and why can't I just make friends with other mums if I'm bored. Never mind the fact that he has basically been a 'weekend dad' since DS was 2 weeks old and all of his friends except 1 he's met through work.

I'm really shocked and upset. I feel bad enough as it is about going back to work.

I hope it's not just you paying for the childcare and that it's coming out of joint funds.

It’s totally reasonable to not want to utilize nursery for a 1yo, but in that case he should be looking to take parental leave since you are ready to return to work. He is perfectly capable of taking care of his child while you support the family.

1: Do not feel guilty! My DS started nursery 4 days a week at the same age he has flourished in the environment and his communication skills are amazing which nursery play a role in.

2: I think you need to have a serious conversation about what joint parenting is and stub out this attitude now.

3: He needs to step up and start taking your DS on his own more, him doing breakfast for instance or a trip to the park, swimming pool etc.

I went back to work ft my DH cut down to 4 days a week. I will be using my pension in the future for his shortfall for being part time.

He's also your DP not your DH.
If you give up your career then if the relationship falls apart later you get nothing- he's kept his career, savings, pension (house?) and you'll get a bit of child support and the unenviable task of trying to resurrect your career....

He's just realised it's going to affect his quality of life not having the facilitating wife at home. Make sure nursery runs, childcare communications, dress up days, leaving work for sick child and 100% of everything is split down the middle from when you go back to work.

Strong candidate for “Ex”DP status IMO.

OP, I’ve been “parring” my baby off 4-5 days a week since he was 12 months old. Im a single mum so didn’t have much choice, but would have gone back to work anyway.

I’ve been promoted twice and had 3 pay rises in 4 years. I have a pension and a senior management role on my CV.

My DS has thrived at nursery and when he’s older I hope he’ll be proud of how hard I’ve worked to give him a better life than the one I’ve had.

Don’t compromise on this. Do what you want to do and tell your DP if he’s so worried, he can stay at home with the little one.

Well then isn't he doing the same?! He is being a dickhead.

I went back to full time work when DS was 8 months because we couldn't afford any more time off. He went to nursery 3 days a week and a day each with my DPs and PIL. He is 5 now and has a great relationship with both sets of grandparents.

Personally even if I could have afforded it I wouldn't have taken more then a year off. Some parents are suited to be SAHP and some aren't. We're all full time parents though.

@SheldonesqueTheSecondComing

I haven’t heard it either user but took it to be like palming off.

Same here, never heard the word in anything other than golfing context .

@captainfran

Let me guess;he's never done a night feed;simply ignores your DS even on a Friday/Saturday night and pretends he's asleep.If your DS fills his nappy with a smelly crap;is he handed to you to change?.

Does he sleep in at the weekends because he's "tired" and your expected to be up with the baby?

You do realise that it will be you who'll still getting up in the night,getting your DS ready on the morning,doing the nursery runs and then still doing all of the housework/laundry/cooking etc

It's a slippery slope I'm afraid.Did he move in with you straight out of his mums house?

Is he splitting the cost of nursery with you?

Omg tell him to bugger off and do it if he's so concerned..... there is nothing wrong with baby attaching to another care giver, if any thing it means the child is very securely attached! He sounds like a bellend
Go back to work do what you need to do! Xx

He's always found having DS on his own very hard, even now. He's even said to me 'I don't know how you do it'

Response -

"I put the fucking time and effort in and learned! It didn't happen miraculously just because I possess a vagina and you aren't rendered incapable by a penis!"

Wtf!

You really really need to address this now op. Certainly don't even consider another child until and unless he does a massive turnaround!

Are you breastfeeding? If so will baby take a bottle of either expressed or formula? If so then it's time to leave baby and him to it! And make it clear that the day/weekend/week you do so that you expect him to also do all the housework, cooking etc as you normally would!

Question though - did he pull his weight BEFORE baby?

@captainfran

Part time isn't an option as we've moved and I've had to find a new job. We planned to move before the baby was here but it took forever. I haven't been able to find anything part time there's not a lot of jobs here either. They have told me they might have a part time position from September but there's no guarantee.

Have you moved for his job? If so, all the more reason he should support you. If, as I hope, you do go back to work, no doubt he will try to make you feel guilty. You could keep looking for part time work, you’ll be quite vulnerable without having an income. Is DP a bit on the controlling side?

I assume you’ve taken a full year out of your career already to look after your son. I would say you totally agree and ask him how he suggests taking an equal amount of time out of his career. He could take a day off a week for 5 years or 2 days off a week for 2.5 years. When you count up the days, a year’s maternity leave is a huge amount of time off of work.

@AZisgreat

Have you asked for part-time as a happy medium or just assumed it won't be available? I think this sort of issue should have been agreed in advance but I suppose the reality of having a child can change the situation and how you feel.

Why should she have to? It isn't 1951. The bloke is sexist and selfish!

Not married?
Definitely work and build your pension
And financial independence
If he wants he can stay home

Seriously, keep the job. I didn’t, and guess who’s worse off in our divorce?

Set your stall out now op. Child sick days are 50/50... because there are lots when they start nursery due to mixing. 50/50 on housework/cooking/lie ins/nights out or child free time. It’s the start of a new routine for you both. I returned to work, I was very happy to eat lunch, go to toilet, drink hot tea and discuss the weather ( not singing wheels on the bus) - just like he’s been doing for 12 months. If you do not start the new routine and make it happen, he will try the shit job(Easier for you to do it) , shit job till you take over as child crying (please go out) work late etc. You have no financial security either now or in the future if you don’t work so make sure you look after you. I’m married btw

Oh and both my kids are fine...

@captainfran

That's the thing. He's always found having DS on his own very hard, even now. He's even said to me 'I don't know how you do it' so I'm so confused as to why he thinks I should be able to cope with it when he can't, even for a day. Yes I've done all of the housework ever since he was born, it was fine at first tbh as he was a very chilled baby but lately comments like why is there nothing for dinner (there is just nothing he wants) or wow it's a mess in here as if I'm just sat doing nothing all day.

Stop doing everything Start leaving him in charge Dp can cook dinner if he hungry

Point out that if you split he will haVe to manage on his own so better train now

I spent ages trying to justify the fact I was putting my DD into childcare.

The way I viewed it was we both work 5 days a week and you both have equal responsibility for the child.

2.5days of those 5 days were mind to find/provide childcare for and and 2.5days were my DH.

Basically your mat leave is up, you're using your mum 1 day and childcare for 1.5days. He's using childcare for all his 2.5days. If he's worried 4 days in childcare is too much he should take a day off to look after your DS.

You make sure you leave him with DS more, he needs a sharp shock on the realities of house keeping alongside an active 1yr old. He wants his cake - doesn’t pay for childcare, a housekeeper- oh and I’m certain his wage would still be “his wage”- you’re doing the right thing OP

keep the job, ditch the "D" P

I kept my job (PT 24h) despite exH saying I could be a SAHM and did better on my divorce when DC2 was about 5 as I could afford the mortgage (I kept equity in house rather then have to wait for money in his pension later to balance assets).

If in doubt with marriage, definitely keep your job with longer term in mind. Childcare broadens DCs outlook too.

That’s one of the most sexists men I’ve read about on here.

What next, you stay at home and do everything for him? Forever?

Both my children were in full time nursery from 1y old.