DP said I'm 'parring my baby off' by going back to work.

[captainfran]

This has come out of nowhere. I'm going back to work next week, full time. Part time isn't an option, unfortunately. 1 year old DS will be in nursery 4 days a week (my mum will be having him for one day). We won't be much better off financially but I suppose the main reason is I'm bored shitless at home (as well as career progression). I know things are opening back up now but we've just moved to a new area and there really isn't much to do around here anyway. All of the baby groups here fall on DS's nap times.

Anyway, after being seemingly supportive DP has just told me that he doesn't think it's worth it financially and he doesn't particularly want our baby in nursery 4 days a week and that we'll both be more stressed. He then said I'm parring my baby off and will only see him at weekends. Firstly this is simply not true, I will finish at 4:30 most days. He then basically said that I have no friends and why can't I just make friends with other mums if I'm bored. Never mind the fact that he has basically been a 'weekend dad' since DS was 2 weeks old and all of his friends except 1 he's met through work.

I'm really shocked and upset. I feel bad enough as it is about going back to work.

He needs to cut his hours then doesn’t he.

So it’s just your responsibility to look after the child you both created together?..what does he think he’s doing when he goes off to work..parring baby off on you?..cheeky hypocrite. If he’s that bothered why isn’t he being a sahd and doing it himself?....even condensing hours so he can spend a day with your baby?..my bil was made redundant a year ago and he said the best thing about being at home was spending time with their 2 year old he’s a lovely little boy and he missed out on that with 2 older kids so he’s really enjoyed it.

Surely he should be thinking what’s making you happy will therefore help your family if you’re miserable at home how can that be good for your child or you? V selfish attitude. Hope your return goes smoothly op and get your dh told cheeky bugger, all talk no action

So he's offering to give up his job and be a SAHD is he?

No? Thought not.

Hold your ground OP. This is blatant sexism. Just shrug and say 'you're free to go part time/find another job with flexible hours/be a SAHD'. You've already said he thinks it's not the same so focus on that and get him to articulate exactly why.

So after spending 9 months pregnant and then giving birth and all those thing that that entails I.e. a strain on your body in order to give him a beautiful baby. Then you put your career on pause for 12 months to be at home with his child. Now he's coming at you for going back to work?

It's stories like this that make me understand why domestic violence happens.

Why doesn't your partner go fuck himself?

Yes I thought it was a typo for "palming off"

Anyway, sorry Op back to your issue- don't feel any guilt in going back to work. Your son is one and will thrive socialising at nursery four days a week. If you take into account the hours you'll work and your early finishing, your son is spending over 50% of his week in your care. Besides, it's not the 1950s, you have a right to a career and some independence.

Good luck with your return to work. Your dh could look into cutting his hours should he wish to take on more childcare himself.

Hes a wanker.

Tell him he's a wanker and when he asks why direct him to this thread.

That way it's much less emotional labour for you

You had best keep your job because I have very little hope for your relationship. Red flags, misogyny, and other such bullshit everywhere.

@LastRoloIsMine

Hes a wanker.

Tell him he's a wanker and when he asks why direct him to this thread.

That way it's much less emotional labour for you

Yes, this. I would take great pleasure in explaining to him why he's a wanker.

It is the same thing! He can do some hard thinking about what choices HE needs to make to support a work life balance HE wants.

It is tough going back, but not the same tough as being alone with a baby day in day out - has your DH had the baby alone for a few days?

If he is generally good at pulling his weight - he may genuinely be having a wobble about the logistics, but divvying up responsibilities in a balanced way in advance (including nursery drop offs, meal prep, shopping cleaning etc) can help address imbalance, or start a conversation.

If you both earn about the same, tell him to become a stay at home dad. He can then do all the tasks a sahm would do, and spend quality time with his child

Well he is a sexist twat.

Tell him that he is welcome to be a stay at home dad if he wishes.

There's absolutely nothing worse than a dad who thinks the mum should behave a certain way but unwilling to behave in this same way. Preachy cunt.

Fwiw I'm a sahm atm and think going back to work is a good thing - I went back when DD was 3.5 years but I was lucky to have my job saved for me. I then had a DS and I'm off again until he's 3.5. But I would kind of like to get back to work too!

Do it. Tell him any judging and he can fuck off work and be a SAHD.

Cool. So he’s giving up his job instead then and being a SAHP?

And don’t become the only person to deal with nursery, take time off for illnesses (get this agreement sorted NOW that 50% of the illness he takes time off), do drop-offs and pick-ups, take on all the housework and shopping and cooking etc.

Sort these things right now, before you’re in the thick of it.

I’m very cross on your behalf. What a shitty thing to say to you, on all levels.

Tell him to piss off.

My husband wasn't thrilled at the idea of nursery because of preconceptions about us never seeing our daughter. She started four days a week when she was one and she's two, now, and there five days, so full time. It was non-negotiable for me. I hated maternity leave and couldn't wait to go back to work.

She adores nursery because she gets to do all the messy fun stuff that we don't want to do at home. He's now totally fine with it because he sees how happy A. his wife is and B. his daughter is, and C. that it's not like you're farming your child out AT ALL. There's a very clear difference in roles between home and nursery. It's meant, for us, that we're all happy and doing what we enjoy. If your DH/DP is prepared to sacrifice your happiness for his prejudices, he's a bit of a dick. And by that, I mean a total arsehole.

Parred off is a thing, it's just a slang thing rather than proper terminology.

Well what a misogynistic little prick he is. You keep that job because when you have enough of his shite attitude you'll be grateful for the independence.

Congrats on finding a new job, that’s brilliant especially in this economy!

Commiserations on being married to a misogynist who thinks you need a uterus to do childcare.

@sashagabadon

Agree with everyone else! Ask what two days a week will he be giving up and you can cover 2 and one day in nursery. Perfect!

Seriously this.

If you end up divorcing - and with those misogynist out of date attitudes - you might, then you need to know that your career is totally on track.

Only advice from me is to not let him become a stay at home dad.

I would take this as a warning sign of his view of you.

I would strongly recommend you keep the full time job to ensure that your career prospects are not harmed and you have your own security and stability if things go south in your marriage.

Your DH is showing that he doesn't see you both as equal which is never a good sign.

Twat. If he doesn’t want the baby to go to nursery then he can stay at home. Ask him to explain, in detail, exactly why it’s “different” for you.

I’d have a serious discussion about shared responsibility for childcare and housework once you’re back at work. It sounds like he’s well aware he’s got it easy at the moment and wants it to continue. He should support your desire to maintain your mental health and place in the workforce by returning to work.

Tell him to be a sahp then. Or is he happy palming his baby off?

Of course it’s not differnt, his the babies parent too isn’t he?

Don’t give in, your doing the right thing!

Yea my suspicions would be on him not wanting to share housework, free time and childcare outside working hours more equally. Sounds like wants you at home, cleaning, cooking, raising his child, while he has his life and career and can come ho e to be master of the house. (Not to
mention he’d be the one in control of finances while you have to go to him for money). Trouble is the 1950s were a long fucking time ago. Tell him times have changed.

So if you go part time in September is he going to top up your pension, are you going to be allowed to look after your child or just expected to get all the housework done?

You aren't married so seriously consider whether you are prepared to compromise your career/earning potential for him. He has not financial commitment to you only to pay CMS for your DC.