DP said I'm 'parring my baby off' by going back to work.

[captainfran]

This has come out of nowhere. I'm going back to work next week, full time. Part time isn't an option, unfortunately. 1 year old DS will be in nursery 4 days a week (my mum will be having him for one day). We won't be much better off financially but I suppose the main reason is I'm bored shitless at home (as well as career progression). I know things are opening back up now but we've just moved to a new area and there really isn't much to do around here anyway. All of the baby groups here fall on DS's nap times.

Anyway, after being seemingly supportive DP has just told me that he doesn't think it's worth it financially and he doesn't particularly want our baby in nursery 4 days a week and that we'll both be more stressed. He then said I'm parring my baby off and will only see him at weekends. Firstly this is simply not true, I will finish at 4:30 most days. He then basically said that I have no friends and why can't I just make friends with other mums if I'm bored. Never mind the fact that he has basically been a 'weekend dad' since DS was 2 weeks old and all of his friends except 1 he's met through work.

I'm really shocked and upset. I feel bad enough as it is about going back to work.

I had to check what year it was yes it’s definitely 2021, woman having been working as well as bringing up children for decades. I’m sorry op but what a absolute male chauvinist pig . He wants the little wife at home looking after the kids with dinner ready when he gets home . Tell him he needs a wife from the 1950’s .

@Twizbe

You need to have a very clear discussion with him about how things will be split.

I suspect though that you'll end up having to do everything house, child and work related. He'll always have an excuse as to why he can't drop off / pick up, why he can't take the day off when baby is sick, why he can't make the Easter bonnet for school, why he can't come to the play at Christmas, why he can't start dinner, why he can't do the dishes etc.

If you ever complain about being tired or having too much to do he will say 'well you wanted to work full time.' He will remind you that he graciously offered to let you not work, but that you chose this situation.....

Tbh, I'd be making plans to go it alone. I def wouldn't be having any more children with this man child

Agree that it's unrealistic to expect things to change. He's shown who he is.

Is he doing some of the drop-offs? Don’t do them all and continue being the default parent. You will still get lots of toddler night wakings (teeth, bad dreams, separation anxiety) so it won’t be fair if you are the one doing it all and working.

Babies can be easier than toddlers in many ways. He’ll need to be able to manage longer than 15 minutes with his own child. My husband doesn’t find childcare easy but he has always done bedtimes, drop-offs, does his fair share of night wakings, has always taken children swimming from 3m and is perfectly capable of looking after them. I still get frustrated as I’m the one with the emotional load and think he could be doing more. I’d not tolerate your partner’s uselessness.

That's the thing. He's always found having DS on his own very hard, even now. He's even said to me 'I don't know how you do it'

We do it because as new mothers we have no choice so we knuckle down and work at it. He needs to grow up and do the same, just like other parents. At the moment you sound like a single parent to two kids.

so I'm so confused as to why he thinks I should be able to cope with it when he can't, even for a day

He doesn't, he is just a lazy sod.

Yes I've done all of the housework ever since he was born, it was fine at first tbh as he was a very chilled baby but lately comments like why is there nothing for dinner (there is just nothing he wants) or wow it's a mess in here as if I'm just sat doing nothing all day

So an entitled lazy sod.

Get yourself back to work, and rebuild your own career. You don't even have the contractual protection of marriage in the event that things go wrong in the future and you need to protect your own financial position.

He will have to step up and do his share and be a parent else you will continue to be his surrogate mother.

OP, this was me 6 years ago.

My DH (we are married at least) made me feel guilty for wanting to go back to work, that I was just trying to get away from my own child etc.
I compromised and went back to work 2 days a week. I also had another DC (I know, I know... )
I am now trapped.

I cannot find a non full time job, my prospects at my current firm are shot to pieces.

I do every pick up, drop off, holiday, sick day. I do EVERYTHING around the house but I am still supposed to be grateful because he earns "all" the money.

The one good thing is he does get up with the DC in the morning before he goes to work as that is the only time he sees them. He conveniently gets home just after bedtime.

I have tried and tried to row back from this position (like you, things were pretty even before DC) we have had so many conversations about it. To no avail. He likes the status quo (and why wouldn't he?).

A job came up in my office but it was full time, I sent the job spec to DH and his response? You would need to ask whether you could do part time. I suggested maybe he could, but his response is he would have to give up work altogether (and we can't afford that, which he knows, and it is his trump card).

I have given in to it for now. My youngest starts school in September and I am going to find a childminder, then I will find a new job. I basically have to act like I am single parent and not factor him into my life Monday - Friday.

DO NOT BE ME, OP.

i feel bad enough as it is about going back to work

If you feel bad about it then are you sure it's the right thing for you?

It’s much better to have him do pick up than drop off, because pick up is completely independent of you. Drop off men like this seem to expect help getting dc ready in the morning then aren’t home to help getting them dinner when you do pick up.
Plus you can go for the odd drinks after work once they can happen without having to change plans with him it really helps you not be default parent who they think just loves doing dinner bath bed on your own before they deign to return to the home.

@listershologram

i feel bad enough as it is about going back to work

If you feel bad about it then are you sure it's the right thing for you?

She's unmarried and the father is a completely useless and exploitative arsehole. She absolutely needs to keep her financially independence even if she did want to stay home.

Why did you move areas?

A thought, does he have friends where both parents work?
As other say, it is really important that you maintain financial independence. I suspect that the reality of the workload has hit and he would rather you pick up the slack with him directing you (comments about house tidiness).

It is interesting he hasn't even attempted to discuss the impact on you if you stopped work and wouldn't dream of giving up his job because he knows it would put him in a vulnerable position of relying on you.

Balancing childcare and work is tough, no doubt about that but if you work as a team and let house standards drop you'll be fine.

If you're not married it's even more important that you hold on to this full time job.

I agree with a PP - I'm dumbfounded as to why younger women are settling for these mIsoginistic, sexist, lazy wastes of skin. Know your worth girl.

I think I'd probably kick him out.

My friend had one of those men - thought she was doing nothing all day long, but couldn't look after the kids for 5 minutes as it was too much work. So many double standards there.

He's being cheeky and doesn't want his life to change. Tell him that the housework needs to be 50/50 when you go back to work, and that he needs to start helping now. His attitude is stuck in the 1950s. I'm a SAHM and my DH helps out now, it's probably more 75/25. We work as a team and I'm planning to go back to work soon.

@Stitchandapples

I feel you pain. My DH refuses to book annual leave in the school holidays unless I am off too because he’s not spending his annual leave ‘babysitting.’ He gets a load more annual leave than me as well because he’s worked in his company a long time and he buys extra holiday. I am desperately trying to accrue some overtime so I can have a couple of extra days over the summer.

It's not fucking babysitting when it's your own child.

These men are so utterly pathetic. OP, have a think about what the point of yours is. And don't give up your job. You'll need it. Don't ever rely on him financially. Sexist twat.

I say 'parred' as in par for the course. Not sure where that's come from I've just googled it and nothing

I think it's "palmed off. (This is not a dig!)

Anyway, your DP is being an arse given he is also palming off his child into the care of someone else.

@SmileyClare

I'm sure "parred" is a golf term? As in he scored par on a hole or that's par for the course

For fuck's sake, can we drop the parred off shite, OP has said what she meant, and it was pretty fucking obvious what she meant without all the confused faces

You mean HE is putting baby into nursery by refusing to stay at home. You guys really should have discussed all this beforehand. Why do people still assume it’s all the mums responsibility to be 100% caregiver and looker after of children? Even stupid stuff like ‘ is dh babysitting tonight?’ NO. HE’s NOT. HE IS PARENTING.

Op,what exactly are you going to say to him? And if he doesn't agree, what are your next steps?

@Stitchandapples that's horrendous and I think you need to leave...
Same for OP. She should leave.

@RandomMess

What he means is he doesn't want to pick up his share of the housework and childcare so that you have equal leisure time and equal finances

Exactly what I was going to say

And @captainfran are you going to discuss nursery financing? Is he expecting you to pay? Cause that's not on.

@DrSbaitso

He did do nights feeds one night a week but hated it,he does give me one lie in a week, only until 7:30 because he can't cope with DS on his own for any longer.

Oh for fuck's sake.

I've realised he makes me feel guilty asking anything more from him and I really shouldn't. I couldn't imagine him ever taking DS swimming on his own or anything like that as a PP mentioned.

What is the point of him? Why did he have a child? And no, of course you shouldn't feel guilty. Why do you? Why doesn't he?

He does have a tendency to say things he doesn't mean

Why do you think he doesn't mean them when he treats you with such contempt and disrespect and has no interest in his own child?

This is just awful, OP. Whatever you do, whatever guilt trip shite this twat throws at you, do NOT give up your job.

This. Honestly he sounds awful. I was a SAHM for a few years and whilst I did all the housework (and night feeds), DH absolutely did his share of childcare in the evenings and weekends. A lie-in until 7.30? What a load of bollocks. Please keep your job and please don't have another child with this tosser, you will only be making your life harder and more complicated.

@thefirstmrsrochester

If your husband doesn’t want your baby in nursery 4 days a week then what changes is he making in his working life to make this happen?

This

What a wanker. I couldn’t have any respect for someone with such outdated attitudes.

Definitely don't quit your job. It sounds like you might need that financial independence in the future.

12 years in from first dc and I’ve never had a lie in. Both weekend days are his. Saturday all day is golf.
He does no pick ups or drop offs from school. I’m up at 6am to get the dc ready and dropped to before school clubs. He gets up 8.30am and commutes to the back room.
Don’t be me. ALL of it is mine, plus working 30 hours a week. Because I’m part time apparently this is fair. Because I don’t earn anywhere near as much as him apparently this is fair.
He didn’t do a night feed. He never changed a nappy. He’s never cooked a meal in 20 years.
When I was a sahm he argued it was because I was a sahm. Now I’m not a sahm and haven’t been for a while and it is no different. His life hasn’t changed much since pre dc, mine is unrecognisable and I am EXHAUSTED.

There are LOTS of benefits to your OH of you going back to work that are not monetary
eg when you all get home from work/nursery the house is exactly as tidy as you left it when you went out
your child learns independence from you and socialises with others (meaning your OH might find looking after him on his own a bit easier)

etc

He's a twat. Why should he get all the fun of going to work and you pick up the housekeeping/childminder tab.

@Stitchandapples

12 years in from first dc and I’ve never had a lie in. Both weekend days are his. Saturday all day is golf. He does no pick ups or drop offs from school. I’m up at 6am to get the dc ready and dropped to before school clubs. He gets up 8.30am and commutes to the back room. Don’t be me. ALL of it is mine, plus working 30 hours a week. Because I’m part time apparently this is fair. Because I don’t earn anywhere near as much as him apparently this is fair. He didn’t do a night feed. He never changed a nappy. He’s never cooked a meal in 20 years. When I was a sahm he argued it was because I was a sahm. Now I’m not a sahm and haven’t been for a while and it is no different. His life hasn’t changed much since pre dc, mine is unrecognisable and I am EXHAUSTED.

Fucking leave @Stitchandapples Jesus Christ. Why are you with him??

Every single day there’s a post here about another identikit deadbeat boyfriend, they all follow the same tired old script and cliches, so many women still accepting these garbage males, it’s so depressing.
OP, save yourself the years of shite coming your way and just stick the house up for sale now, work full time, and never tolerate such a low quality male again.