DP said I'm 'parring my baby off' by going back to work.

[captainfran]

This has come out of nowhere. I'm going back to work next week, full time. Part time isn't an option, unfortunately. 1 year old DS will be in nursery 4 days a week (my mum will be having him for one day). We won't be much better off financially but I suppose the main reason is I'm bored shitless at home (as well as career progression). I know things are opening back up now but we've just moved to a new area and there really isn't much to do around here anyway. All of the baby groups here fall on DS's nap times.

Anyway, after being seemingly supportive DP has just told me that he doesn't think it's worth it financially and he doesn't particularly want our baby in nursery 4 days a week and that we'll both be more stressed. He then said I'm parring my baby off and will only see him at weekends. Firstly this is simply not true, I will finish at 4:30 most days. He then basically said that I have no friends and why can't I just make friends with other mums if I'm bored. Never mind the fact that he has basically been a 'weekend dad' since DS was 2 weeks old and all of his friends except 1 he's met through work.

I'm really shocked and upset. I feel bad enough as it is about going back to work.

@Stitchandapples

12 years in from first dc and I’ve never had a lie in. Both weekend days are his. Saturday all day is golf. He does no pick ups or drop offs from school. I’m up at 6am to get the dc ready and dropped to before school clubs. He gets up 8.30am and commutes to the back room. Don’t be me. ALL of it is mine, plus working 30 hours a week. Because I’m part time apparently this is fair. Because I don’t earn anywhere near as much as him apparently this is fair. He didn’t do a night feed. He never changed a nappy. He’s never cooked a meal in 20 years. When I was a sahm he argued it was because I was a sahm. Now I’m not a sahm and haven’t been for a while and it is no different. His life hasn’t changed much since pre dc, mine is unrecognisable and I am EXHAUSTED.

How would your life be worse without this hateful user in it?

I’d lose my dc at least some of the time. It would make me extremely sad.

@Stitchandapples

I’d lose my dc at least some of the time. It would make me extremely sad.

Would you though? It doesn't sound like he would want them! They are beginning to get to the stage of life for sleepovers and hanging at friends houses over weekends and holidays I imagine.

Honestly, do not waste your life like this. Would you advise your children to stay in a relationship like the one you're in?

Maybe he is just nervous about leaving baby with someone else, you say you feel bad about it and I remember when I went back to work when DD was 9 months old I lay and sobbed on the bed apologising to her the night before.

He might just be being selfish and horrible but you will know one way or the other next week.

Normally him going part time or giving up work would be an answer but bit risky as you won't have any employment rights for 2 years so a bit risky in the current climate. I think that is limiting choices for both of you.

Going back to work is a big step for lots of couples, I've known women (I was in HR) who were keen to get back to work and got sent home on the first day back as they were distraught. It worked out as we did a gradual return to work over a couple of months but again as a new employee I guess that is less likely.

I hope you work it out.

Yes palming off (maybe that's the correct phrase and we've just made that up?).

No you haven't you just added an extra r, it's a common phrase.

On paper if it looks like your salary = amount paid in childcare, but it is (or should be) a family expense and a temporary one as you will be gaining more experience and your salary will rise, that doesn't happen if you stay at home.

As you are bored stupid it is also detrimental to your mental health to stay at home.

Nursery is about the only place your child can have vital social interactions.

He's a twat who has found it an easy life with you playing the role of mother to him.

Wow, he’s a cunt.

horehound my youngest is only 5.
He’d absolutely say he wanted them if he thought it would upset me.

@Stitchandapples so act breezy and then he won't care? I dunno I just think you shouldnt live your life like this. Xx

Aside from anything else, what a horrible, mean and spiteful thing to say

Loads of mums go back full time and have amazing bonds with their children.
You need to make life less comfortable for him.
Stop doing anything that's especially for him like his washing or cooking specially for him and when he questions it laugh and say "well we don't want you palming off your share of house work on me now do we?"

horehound he’d never believe it. He’d know I wanted them as much as possible. I’d never stop them seeing him but I wouldn’t want him to have them 50% of the time. Why should he get them and then pay someone to look after them? When I could have them and have done all of the care all the way through. People will say he’s their dad - but what has he actually done so far? What has his involvement been?

@Stitchandapples

I’d lose my dc at least some of the time. It would make me extremely sad.

Would you? He does nothing with them and doesn't want to give up any time for them.

@Stitchandapples I agree with pp. Men always say they will go for 50:50 but the reality is very different. Maybe you should start your own thread and look for advice. If your kids are both at school and he holds on weekends etc when do you think he would be willing to have them?!

Not only are you parring your baby off, you are also a delinquent!

From Urban Dictionary: "Parring
A ghetto term often used as a synonym for insulting/offending. The word is commonly used by delinquents and is prevalent in the East end of London"

My friend is with someone like this - wasted 20 years on the lazy fucker!

Perfect dad on Facebook though 🙄

Ahh but then he’d have to pay for them. If he had 50/50 he wouldn’t.
He’d have every other weekend and probably a night in the week as a minimum I think - although how he’d get them up and ready for school I’m not sure.

@Stitchandapples you can have a court order that means you have first refusal on care for the DC if he isn't going to be the one looking after them.

So if he was going to have weekend nanny you would have the right to have them instead.

Don't let the fear of him demanding EOW stop you escaping him and his financial abuse.

I doubt he would bother every other Sunday! He'll soon be off out wining and dining other women to get his ego stroked.

@Stitchandapples on his income he'd still be paying maintenance!

He needs to hear palming/parring off about himself multiple times a day until he wishes he'd never opened his mouth to gripe.

Oh, and no way does 07.30 count as a lie-in. In no world. Not ever. Never.

@Stitchandapples I'm no expert but I don't think that's how it works?
Have a read of some threads on the relationship boards, there have been so many women in the same situation who have left and are now so much happier for it.

Men will always say they want the kids as much as possible on paper but the reality is very,very different!
You know he won't manage to get them to school, you know he won't want to give up his weekend days.

@Stitchandapples

horehound he’d never believe it. He’d know I wanted them as much as possible. I’d never stop them seeing him but I wouldn’t want him to have them 50% of the time. Why should he get them and then pay someone to look after them? When I could have them and have done all of the care all the way through. People will say he’s their dad - but what has he actually done so far? What has his involvement been?

Not wanting to derail the thread, but what are you actually doing for your children? Except staying in this relationship where you are so unhappy. Maybe think about what you are modelling for your children.

Sometimes I come on mumsnet and cannot believe half of what I'm reading. There's people living different lives to me, that I get. But some lives are so sad.

To be honest I'd get it more if you said you liked the lifestyle. At least you'd be getting something out of it. Btw 30 hours per week according to ONS is full time.

Thank goodness you are going back to work.

What a nasty, unkind, selfish thing to say.

Sounds like he is showing you EXACTLY who he is.

He does nothing in the home and doesn't look after his child either.

You have had a baby with a waster.
You be very very careful OP.

You are not seeing things clearly.

This selfish man is NOT thinking about you or your child.

His priority is himself.

Make sure your contraception is bulletproof.

I predict he is not going to step up.

I predict he won't do his share in the house, pick ups, childcare.

You are going to find yourself doing it all on your own.

You will become SO resentful until you realise that it would be easier on your own because you won't even like him anymore.

MN is full of threads of poster's who realised that their selfish boyfriend is now a lazy selfish waster of a father.

Your only chance is to spell it out to him BEFORE you go back.

Make sure he is paying 50% of childcare.
Put some emergency money aside.
Reach out to family for support.
Keep an eye out for jobs where your family live.
Highly unlikely your relationship is goingbto survive so be prepared.

Hope for the best, but prepare for worst.

Because when you go back to work you are going to see who he truly is.

He's just given you a taster of what's to come.

Hi OP I have heard similar before from my ExP, hence why he is an ex, I mean I suffered a lot of abuse in addition to these kinds of things, but I have heard that too. My exP did not want our DC in nursery, well he knew it would cost firstly, secondly was not willing to work around sharing how DC would be collected etc if I was then going to return to work, even suggested and asked why my mother couldn't pick DC up until I got back 🤦‍♀️ This is because it would interfere with his evenings and time after work. I wouldn't of minded but then he didn't want to be the main bread winner either, so I had someone going out to work when he had some who wasn't really making a difference.
Yes his views were very 'you are a mother' that meant I was responsible for everything, to blame for everything, and it was just different for me, this was also heavily weighted by cultural differences. At the beginning I could not go out, or not for very long because he didn't want to have to deal with a baby. When we was at home, I was on edge constantly as I had to rush to the baby for him, not because it should have been for the baby. If baby would cry or when he grew a bit more and anything happened it was my fault because I wasn't in the room etc, came looking for me all the time, even when I was in the bathroom. Instead of dealing with his child! So I am sat here today so glad to be out of that crap, and due to have mediation soon, which he has asked for, and I so can not wait to tell him what I will be requesting from him. Like a friend has said, why now should you still carry the cab, because if you work you have to work your hours around DC, or lose out, so therefore exP can step up and do more.

Why don't guys get this shit?!

It's very good of him to offer to quit his job and stay home full time with the baby. Good on him.

Oh, wait.