DP said I'm 'parring my baby off' by going back to work.

[captainfran]

This has come out of nowhere. I'm going back to work next week, full time. Part time isn't an option, unfortunately. 1 year old DS will be in nursery 4 days a week (my mum will be having him for one day). We won't be much better off financially but I suppose the main reason is I'm bored shitless at home (as well as career progression). I know things are opening back up now but we've just moved to a new area and there really isn't much to do around here anyway. All of the baby groups here fall on DS's nap times.

Anyway, after being seemingly supportive DP has just told me that he doesn't think it's worth it financially and he doesn't particularly want our baby in nursery 4 days a week and that we'll both be more stressed. He then said I'm parring my baby off and will only see him at weekends. Firstly this is simply not true, I will finish at 4:30 most days. He then basically said that I have no friends and why can't I just make friends with other mums if I'm bored. Never mind the fact that he has basically been a 'weekend dad' since DS was 2 weeks old and all of his friends except 1 he's met through work.

I'm really shocked and upset. I feel bad enough as it is about going back to work.

I was in the same situation, except my ex also used to gaslight me by saying that i agreed to give up work and was now changing it (i never ever said I would stop work completely)

I was able to go back for just 30 hours over 4 days. I left him for a million reasons, but this was one of the big ones, I didnt want to be a SAHM and thats ok.

@Wanderlust20

Why don't guys get this shit?!

In large part - not solely, but in large part - because they simply do not feel guilty about it (this prince literally said it's not the same for him), and therefore can't be guilt tripped into it. It is amazing what you can do once you don't feel guilty about it.

unpopular opinion but bored shitless at home compared to working i just dont get. Dont understand how raising a LO wacthign them grow every day would be worse that work... maybe u have a fun job lol. Id hate it. would love if i got told to stay at home

Oh OP it makes me laugh! How is childcare simultaneously too hard (I don't know how you do it) AND a doddle (the place is a mess/there's no food)

I'd be getting rid. Life is a lot easier without a ton of man-sized shit in it.

Stitchandapples - that goes for you too. He will of course use the kids against you, he knows it will cause you pain to leave them with him and that is why he'll threaten to 'take them'. They all do.
In reality, they don't want the kids - too much work, too little time for golf/lie ins - so yes, will try to palm them off. Or not bother with them in the first place.

Keep notes, a diary, details of when he has the kids (if at all) - no court will grant 50/50 if they have proof that the father doesn't do a single fucking thing with them or for them. They might 'love him' but I would bet my house that it's not 'love' - it's desperation for his attention. And bear in mind that that desperation can manifest later into destructive behaviour, when any attention is better than none, to them.
Please do yourself and your kids a favour, and see a shit-hot family lawyer.

He sounds useless OP and of course go back to work if you want to but you should make an effort to go to baby groups and not be rigid about map times because developing friendships and a support network is invaluable

Did you ask him why it's not the same for him?

He's being a twat. It's sexism plain and simple.
How dare he moan about there not being the exact thing he wants for dinner? How dare he comment on the 'mess' in the house?
Ask him, OP. Ask him how he dares say these things to you.
And make sure your finances are in order, because I'm not sure how long this relationship will last. Or indeed if it should.

PS not the point but it's definitely 'palming off' not parring.

He won't be able to do any drops off or picks ups as he only has a van with no back seats, I'll have the car. There are plenty of other ways he can do his fair share though. He did say a couple of weeks ago he'll be putting dinner on when he gets back so we'll see. I'll insist on him doing more with DS and the housework. Will also discuss finances, he currently gives me money which has been fine but it should be joint. Maybe I just need to spell it out for him. If he doesn't like the sound of that or can't stick to it, then I guess we split up. Just for DS if we can't make it work. I'm 99% sure he would pay maintenance and still see DS. I'm guessing he wouldn't be forced to pay nursery fees though? How would that work?

I'm 100% confident I'm doing the right thing for me and DS in going back to work. I am so so bored at home (not of my baby🙄) and DS needs to socialise with others. The only reason I've held off is because it's a big jump going from just me to almost full time nursery which is why I wanted something part time. But it's so reassuring to hear about the many mums who have done this and it's absolutely fine.

So sad to read of all the mums who wished they'd left, it's not too late. I definitely don't want to look back and regret staying.

Honestly don't worry about putting your DS in nursery. If you've found a good one I'm sure he will love it.
We put DS in f/t from 10 months and he thrived. He's now 6 and we walked past the nursery on our way home from school yesterday and all the staff came running over to talk to him and he told me that he misses his first school sometimes as it was so much fun.

I found my DC were more settled at nursery when they were there properly full time. The routine and the same faces was settling and reassuring.

I actually love our nursery, they do love the DC, mine is older and jabbers on and on about her day to me, and she clearly has a very positive relationship with her key worker, and she has tonnes of friends, I know all about who her best friend is (it's pretty much everyone in her class).

@Stitchandapples

12 years in from first dc and I’ve never had a lie in. Both weekend days are his. Saturday all day is golf. He does no pick ups or drop offs from school. I’m up at 6am to get the dc ready and dropped to before school clubs. He gets up 8.30am and commutes to the back room. Don’t be me. ALL of it is mine, plus working 30 hours a week. Because I’m part time apparently this is fair. Because I don’t earn anywhere near as much as him apparently this is fair. He didn’t do a night feed. He never changed a nappy. He’s never cooked a meal in 20 years. When I was a sahm he argued it was because I was a sahm. Now I’m not a sahm and haven’t been for a while and it is no different. His life hasn’t changed much since pre dc, mine is unrecognisable and I am EXHAUSTED.

Good advice to the OP not to be you, but why are YOU you? Kick this wanker to the kerb, let’s see how much golf he fits in when he’s got his kids EOW.

He's being incredibly sexist.

@lettinggoagain

unpopular opinion but bored shitless at home compared to working i just dont get. Dont understand how raising a LO wacthign them grow every day would be worse that work... maybe u have a fun job lol. Id hate it. would love if i got told to stay at home

Unpopular with me but not with everyone. My children ate and slept. That's as boring as f*ck. Watching them grow is fascinating when you haven't seen them for a bit. Shant even tell you the sweet arrangement we had with our little ones. I'm just not a baby/toddler/5 year old person .

Work was way more interesting. I'm more concerned with your turn of phrase about being "told" to stay at home. Even if I wouldn't mind or wanted to stay at home, my personality is such that being "told" to stay at home, would have me working overtime

I basically have to act like I am single parent and not factor him into my life Monday - Friday.

Exactlyand the awful thing is, many women in this position might even be in a better position if they were to split and become a real single parentsingle parents are entitled to more government support, for example.

What did you agree before having the child?

@captainfran

That's the thing. He's always found having DS on his own very hard, even now. He's even said to me 'I don't know how you do it' so I'm so confused as to why he thinks I should be able to cope with it when he can't, even for a day. Yes I've done all of the housework ever since he was born, it was fine at first tbh as he was a very chilled baby but lately comments like why is there nothing for dinner (there is just nothing he wants) or wow it's a mess in here as if I'm just sat doing nothing all day.

Ah, that explains. So instead of your partner accepting his feelings about his limitations, he's now making himself feel better by projecting his inadequacies on to you.

@lettinggoagain do you have children? I used to think being a SAHM would be a dream but even my 1yr maternity period I was starting to get bored and my son really need to socialise with other children his age. Working gives you freedoms in the sense that it gives money to be able to buy nice things in life whether small or large. It gives you security for the future in the form of pensions, it shows a good example to your children and will give them a good work ethic.
Sitting around the house feeding, watching a cartoon, going on a walk, playing with toys get tedious after doing it day in day out, rinse and repeat. Children thrive at nursery and will be exposed to lots of fun situations in they wouldn't get at home with mum or dad.

@captainfran someone on my road has a child seat in his van. I have seen his child strapped in the child seat.

Your partner is being a big fucking lazy shit of a father. He needs to step up big time.

Your money doesn't need to be joint and to be fair due to how he is acting I wouldn't have a joint account with him.

There have been other posters on here where their partner has used a joint account to abuse them on how they are spending their money but it is ok for the partner to buy random expensive things like gaming stuff or headphones.

However he needs to pay 50% of the normal nursery fees. He needs to pay them on pay day direct to the nursery. Then you make up the difference.

@Faultymain5 I agree with you.

Which is one of the reasons why myself and my partner split parental leave.

He actually got our LO when she was more interesting and had started to talk.

(Neither of us want more children and if we did we wouldn't want an early talker.)

unpopular opinion but bored shitless at home compared to working i just dont get. Dont understand how raising a LO wacthign them grow every day would be worse that work... maybe u have a fun job lol. Id hate it. would love if i got told to stay at home

You still get raise your own children and see them grow everyday when you work!! Jesus....
And yeah, I bloody love my job. It's great!

And yes, do not have another child. It becomes harder, not easier.

I just remembered another beauty from DH - I had diastasis recti (sp?) after my second and was advised to do a post natal Pilates class whilst I waited for a referral. There was one at a local gym with a creche - I was told I was "dumping" DC in the creche for the hour I did the class. In the end my mum looked after DC in the gym cafe and I got comments like "alright for some" and "ladies that lunch" instead.

I just don't tell him now, he comments about things like holiday club - my eldest went to one for a week over Easter, I had used all my AL and I only needed him to go for a day (not worth asking DH to take the day off as I knew what the answer would be) but it was only available if you booked for the full 4 days - that I shouldn't send DS on the days I don't work (even though his friends were there and he would then turn up on day 3, not having done the previous 2 sessions). I ignored and DS loved it.
DH will not use his AL for childcare. The end. Holidays as a family only. Which means he often ends up with days left over - which he will conveniently take on days when there is no one at home.

In a whole year of lockdowns and homeschooling he took one day "to help" me - I had to work around it all.

I honestly would not have said this would be my life six years ago. Nip this in the bud NOW.

@captainfran I've noticed on Fridays that a handful of fathers in my area who take care of their children, meet up and hang out together with their children.

I spoke to one of my male friends' who took time of with his children who are now at school. He found another dad to hang around with on one of the days he looked after his eldest. So they would meet up at the same parent and child group then have a coffee afterwards.

@ladsholiday

What did you agree before having the child?

I'm not saying this question is wrong. But when I met my husband I never wanted children nor wanted to get married. I've since done both. Plans change, the idea is to roll with the punches. Otherwise life will be very vanilla.

Another one of these selfish, immature, self-centred twat sperm donor excuses for a father. I'm just so glad you have a full-time job and are going back because you're not married to this low-life who's been 'giving' you money. This is a very good thing because I'd be moving on from him, especially if you want another child. He's a lazy, sexist person who doesn't respect you at all and is and always will be a shit 'father'. So many of these around and none of them is worth staying with. Sad, but true.

@Underitall what will you do about it? How are you able to get past your H's spectacular selfishness?

ex (note the ex), was like this, kids were my responsibility, but he was happy to also spend my money earned form my job his job was unstable and he temped a lot. But god forbid I have any expectation of him parenting or doing basic household chores.

When I divorced him the worst days were not as bad as the average days married to him.

My now DH, WFH (pre pandemic) days I didn't so we could equally cover nursery runs, and he enjoys interacting and parenting our DC.

I'm so shocked there are so many of these utterly shit fathers around.