DP said I'm 'parring my baby off' by going back to work.

[captainfran]

This has come out of nowhere. I'm going back to work next week, full time. Part time isn't an option, unfortunately. 1 year old DS will be in nursery 4 days a week (my mum will be having him for one day). We won't be much better off financially but I suppose the main reason is I'm bored shitless at home (as well as career progression). I know things are opening back up now but we've just moved to a new area and there really isn't much to do around here anyway. All of the baby groups here fall on DS's nap times.

Anyway, after being seemingly supportive DP has just told me that he doesn't think it's worth it financially and he doesn't particularly want our baby in nursery 4 days a week and that we'll both be more stressed. He then said I'm parring my baby off and will only see him at weekends. Firstly this is simply not true, I will finish at 4:30 most days. He then basically said that I have no friends and why can't I just make friends with other mums if I'm bored. Never mind the fact that he has basically been a 'weekend dad' since DS was 2 weeks old and all of his friends except 1 he's met through work.

I'm really shocked and upset. I feel bad enough as it is about going back to work.

He is being an absolute shitebag. As others have said, if he wants your DC to have a SAH parent then why doesn’t he bloody well do it? My mum went back to work after having me and DSis, the vast majority of my friends’ parents did too.

I went back 3 days after having DS. Once in an argument DH told me that I had damaged his career by insisting I went back to work for my ‘mental health.’ He got torn a new one for that, believe me. As if mental health is a tiny consideration. And I hadn’t damaged his career, he just needed to get his arse in gear and figure out how to balance his work with a baby, same as me.

What everyone else has said.

OP I am so sorry you have found yourself with this man

My poor deceased sister had one of these. Not only expected her to do all the work but also suggested she was lazy/idle whilst he brought home the money (she worked part time). He was a lethal combination of selfish, chauvinistic and lazy. Your OH is showing signs of being the same.

Please please listen to everyone who has advised how precarious your own financial position is. My sister was unmarried and found herself in the shit when they eventually separated.

I suggest trying to shock him by highlighting that he appears not to respect you and thinks that you are not his equal by wanting to use you as a maid / childminder. Flush out whether his chauvinism is deep-rooted or if he can change. If you sense it is deep rooted then you may be in trouble I’m afraid.

My sister’s partner ended up with a Thai bride.

Who does he think he is??! Some kind of pretend parent? I’d be furious!

It’s okay for him to work but not you?

He can’t deal with looking after his own child? Wtf? But expects you to... AND he wants the house spotless?

Unless he can see that he’s been a total w*nker and changes his attitude I think you’re on for years of this crap.

Start leaving him to deal with DS on a regular basis, start small and build up. If you don’t change your expectations you risk being ill trying to work full time (which is fine for millions of parents the world over) and do absolutely everything...

Many dads get a shock when mum goes back to work. But he needs a reality check! And you need a plan of who does what starting Monday as you can’t do it all and you shouldn’t even try.

It so sad to read of how hard Women's lives are on MN.

Makes me realise that although I really love my children I definitely can say I would rathet have NOT had them if it would have meant having some of the selfish wasters that women end up staying years with.

If my husband had behaved so selfishly after one child, that would have been it.
Natural contraceptive.
I would have been so done.

@billy1966

It so sad to read of how hard Women's lives are on MN.

Makes me realise that although I really love my children I definitely can say I would rathet have NOT had them if it would have meant having some of the selfish wasters that women end up staying years with.

If my husband had behaved so selfishly after one child, that would have been it.
Natural contraceptive.
I would have been so done.

My DH is rubbish with the kids, but there is no way I'd rather not have them. I would of loved to have them with someone more involved, but I see it as his loss. Dads weren't so involved in the past, it's more a modern thing. I'd love to know when the change came as it passed my Dad by too. Would it have been the 70's after more freedoms for women in the 60's? My Dad grew up in the 60/70's and was totally uninvolved in my inbringing despite his mum and Dad working, maybe it was the hands off parenting model he repeated. So my mum was a SAHP, but very depressed. I'm a SAHP, it's hard at times , but I choose this.

@Underitall how are you able to live with him and not resent him and be pissed off all the time? I'd hate my dh if he behaved like this.

I'm so sorry to all the women on this thread dealing with inadequate ar$eholes who won't do their fair share, or think they deserve a medal for 'babysitting' their children once a year .

Threads like this are why I roll my eyes when some women say feminism isn't needed. Sexism is still very much alive and kicking.

[quote RedMarauder]@Faultymain5 I agree with you.

Which is one of the reasons why myself and my partner split parental leave.

He actually got our LO when she was more interesting and had started to talk.

(Neither of us want more children and if we did we wouldn't want an early talker.)[/quote]
Yep, as the Dad I did the last 5 months of our split one year parental leave, and while it was hard (but also very rewarding) there's no doubt it was a lot easier than the first seven months (she was a miserable baby and has gotten happier and happier until the 2 years she is today.)

OP - we put our baby in nursery at just over 1 year (would have been from 11m but Corona scuppered that.) Within a month we were lucky to get a wave when we dropped her off as she was too excited. Now she grabs her shoes after her breakfast and (very, very impatiently) waits for the rest of the household to be ready. And she is just as excited to see us when we pick her up. She just loves the routine.

Not sure what to comment on your other half. I've not known what to do with our little girl at times, especially early on. I've also realised that Mums don't have special magic knowledge either. You just work it out and get on with it. And sometimes that's a bit scary but that's part of the parenting deal. He's being pathetic really.

@frazzledasarock
I am making plans to become self sufficient. DH earns well and so he has always argued that we don't "need" my wages and sometimes the cost of childcare is more than I earn (for example, 4 days of holiday club and 2 days of nursery over one week in the holidays) which adds fuel to the flames. He does not understand that I want to work.

He thinks he is doing me a favour because I get 3 days "off" - I have my DD with me, she turns 3 soon and gets to go to school nursery (where DS is at school) which will make things easier. I have already contacted a childminder and am on her list for September drop offs and collections from nursery/ school and I have my CV ready to go if nothing full time comes up at my current company (although, I think they would find me something if the alternative was me leaving as I do have a good reputation there).

He honestly does nothing at home Monday - Friday and at weekends he is Disney dad. So he doesn't do any of the chores, just the fun stuff. I cannot remember the last time he cooked a meal - we used to share the load. His parents were (and still are) like this.

He also does the thing where he insinuates that I am lazy - I have come to realise that he has done this for years. I am not lazy. I know I am not. I do not stop, I think I over compensate on my days "off". I actually go to work for a break.
DH will come in from work, step over the shoes and bags left in the hall by DC (if I haven't yet picked them up) and then complain about the mess - which he has just stepped over! Then he will reheat the meal I have prepared for him and just leave the dirty plate in the sink for me, his maid, to deal with. And yet, I am the lazy one.

DS can sit in the front of the van safely provided there is no air bag or it can be turned off!

In fact middle of a row of 3 is safest in terms of rolling or side collision.

Good luck with getting a full time job Underitall.

You realise if you split with him you would get child benefit (does he work PAYE?).

I hope you get your dream job and excellent salary, and LTB.

[quote Underitall]@frazzledasarock
I am making plans to become self sufficient. DH earns well and so he has always argued that we don't "need" my wages and sometimes the cost of childcare is more than I earn (for example, 4 days of holiday club and 2 days of nursery over one week in the holidays) which adds fuel to the flames. He does not understand that I want to work.

He thinks he is doing me a favour because I get 3 days "off" - I have my DD with me, she turns 3 soon and gets to go to school nursery (where DS is at school) which will make things easier. I have already contacted a childminder and am on her list for September drop offs and collections from nursery/ school and I have my CV ready to go if nothing full time comes up at my current company (although, I think they would find me something if the alternative was me leaving as I do have a good reputation there).

He honestly does nothing at home Monday - Friday and at weekends he is Disney dad. So he doesn't do any of the chores, just the fun stuff. I cannot remember the last time he cooked a meal - we used to share the load. His parents were (and still are) like this.

He also does the thing where he insinuates that I am lazy - I have come to realise that he has done this for years. I am not lazy. I know I am not. I do not stop, I think I over compensate on my days "off". I actually go to work for a break.
DH will come in from work, step over the shoes and bags left in the hall by DC (if I haven't yet picked them up) and then complain about the mess - which he has just stepped over! Then he will reheat the meal I have prepared for him and just leave the dirty plate in the sink for me, his maid, to deal with. And yet, I am the lazy one.[/quote]
Do you have sex with him?
Genuine question, apologies if it is too personal..

Because it totally blows my mind how any woman allows scum like your husband within a 100 yards of them.

How do women continue to have sex with men that are so selfish.

I just don't get it.
🤷🏻‍♀️

Hiya - just to let you know, my husband always did drop offs in the morning with our daughter in his van - lots of fathers did/do this. It's not a good enough excuse for him not do to his share of drop offs/pick ups.

OP, take action and take it now.

He should be shouldering 50% of all child and home related loads, no ifs, no buts, no opting out.

You should both have equal free time, lie-ins and whatever other privileges that you both enjoy.

If he can't cope with his own child alone, force him, leave the child with him and go out and keep doing it, he will soon learn.

@ihatemessyplay after my first I had PND and was in such a fog, I didn't really see it? If that makes sense? I was in such a mess, I was trying to be "the perfect mother" and do it all. I think that is why I had #2 - I had a huge desire to "get it right" the second time around...
I would say I only started to see the light after starting counselling (which has been a bit stop start due to Covid). It was almost as if a lightbulb went on about 6 months ago. That this isn't my problem, it is a DH problem.

I want to give DH the chance to change but I think I need to set the wheels in motion first, take some charge of my own destiny. If he doesn't step up then I will absolutely leave and he will have to sort his shit out to deal with 50/50 childcare (and I very much doubt he would want to be seen to be doing less than that, he makes a big show of being a great dad - all over SM etc.).

@billy1966 not very often, no. Like you say it is difficult to fancy someone who treats you like shit.

@marchez

Suggest to him that if he doesnt want the baby in nursery, that HE gives up work to look after them.

Sure he will refuse, so why is it down to you to do it? You have the right to work etc just as much as he does

This.

I did this with both children in 2009 and 2012. I love my kids but I also love my job.

Some people in work were a bit 😱 as I could go pt but frankly I didn't want to and like the ££ thanks! Plus the time to get lunch etc.

You are not just going to see your child on weekends.

Tell DH to go pt if he's that bothered ffs.

Should add both my kids (now 12 and 9) thrived at nursery and the staff still remember them. DD left nursery 4 weeks before she started reception and never went to school nursery. She hit the ground running. They loved it there.

[quote Underitall]@billy1966 not very often, no. Like you say it is difficult to fancy someone who treats you like shit.[/quote]
I can well imagine🤢

You poor woman

@RandomMess

What he means is he doesn't want to pick up his share of the housework and childcare so that you have equal leisure time and equal finances

This

@JassyRadlett

And don’t become the only person to deal with nursery, take time off for illnesses (get this agreement sorted NOW that 50% of the illness he takes time off), do drop-offs and pick-ups, take on all the housework and shopping and cooking etc.

Put his name and number first on all the nursery forms. I did this for my second after being Default Phone Call From Nursery Recipient for my first. It was EXCELLENT. They still occasionally called me first because I’m female but they called him first more.

I put my dh’s number first because he was self employed and worked from home. Both nursery and schools phoned me first if anything happened at school

I think it's an individual person thing!

I was born in the early 60s.

My dad did physical work, often 12hrs & Sat morn but still did night feeds on a Fri or Sat to give mum a break.

I remember him taking us out on Sunday mornings so that he could have time with us & mum could have time to herself.

And then they'd cook lunch together.

I don't think that he was unusual in what he did.

@AZisgreat

Have you asked for part-time as a happy medium or just assumed it won't be available? I think this sort of issue should have been agreed in advance but I suppose the reality of having a child can change the situation and how you feel.

Why doesn't her husband work part time, she's already said she doesn't want to and he's the one worried about the child being "parred off" Could it be sexism? hhhmm

Do not give up your job for this man.

@captainfran

He won't be able to do any drops off or picks ups as he only has a van with no back seats, I'll have the car. There are plenty of other ways he can do his fair share though. He did say a couple of weeks ago he'll be putting dinner on when he gets back so we'll see. I'll insist on him doing more with DS and the housework. Will also discuss finances, he currently gives me money which has been fine but it should be joint. Maybe I just need to spell it out for him. If he doesn't like the sound of that or can't stick to it, then I guess we split up. Just for DS if we can't make it work. I'm 99% sure he would pay maintenance and still see DS. I'm guessing he wouldn't be forced to pay nursery fees though? How would that work?

I'm 100% confident I'm doing the right thing for me and DS in going back to work. I am so so bored at home (not of my baby🙄) and DS needs to socialise with others. The only reason I've held off is because it's a big jump going from just me to almost full time nursery which is why I wanted something part time. But it's so reassuring to hear about the many mums who have done this and it's absolutely fine.

So sad to read of all the mums who wished they'd left, it's not too late. I definitely don't want to look back and regret staying.

There it is, the first excuse as to why he can't do pick ups and drops offs.

He can have a car seat in his van, he can walk to nursery and leave a pushchair there, he can do drop offs and picks ups, he doesn't WANT to do those things.

He basically feels that your jobs isn't as important as his. You should arrange your work life around kids, but he shouldn't.