DH comparing me to other women and families

[Rosieposie79]

Just out of the blue over the last few weeks my DH has started comparing us to other families and me to other women. He is looking at other people's social media posts and getting grumpy because we are not out camping or whatever everyone else is doing.

Also more hurtful he is starting to tell me I look old and fat. If I yawn in his presence suddenly I have 'a thick neck and too many chins and look like...[insert name of overweight 60+ yr old woman].

I also saw a photo of myself the other day and was surprised I looked okay. After all the criticism I was expecting a picture of a hefty, pot bellied old woman.

I thought I was doing okay for 42 with two young kids. I have lost weight this last year and am now back at size 10/12 and just 2kg off my target. I am not very high maintenance and can be scruffy sometimes, but I try to keep myself tidy. I am definitely no slob. I also thought me and DH were doing okay after the rollercoaster of the last year.

I was looking forward to the summer but now this. Suddenly I am watching my every step - always standing up straight, tummy in etc... I can't relax or I just get a pointed sideways look and when I ask what the matter is a cruel remark in reply.

I feel like I am suddenly not good enough and going down hill fast. He says things like 'I love you and want to stay married to you forever but you have to stop wearing that jumper/ get fitter/ make more effort' etc.

Where could this have come from? What should I do?

[Joeblack066]

He is trying to justify an affair. Soon it will be mentionitis- Rachel doesn’t look fat, Rachel went white water rafting- Rachel takes care of her skin etc etc.
Get out now.

[Swordfish1]

I'm sorry but by comparing you and your family to other women and other families he is trying to justify to himself reasons why he might leave you.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you at all.
It does sound like he has had his head turned. Whether its developing into something at this stage or not. But he is looking to find any fault with you he can in order to justify what he is doing.
Then when he does have an affair (if it comes to that) he can feel less guilty because, you know, you had 'let yourself go' or 'you weren't attentive enough' or 'you didn't go bloody camping'.
I think it might be time to snoop i'm afraid.

[Echobelly]

Has he arranged any camping trips? Worked on his appearance?

[Wanderlusto]

@Aquamarine1029

He's having an affair or his head has been turned. He's starting the process of rewriting history.

That.

Either that or he has been abusive in other ways that have slipped under the radar and you're just noticing more now that he is ramping it up. But he is likely ramping it up because he is checking someone else out.

Either way, get out now. He has shown himself to be a shitty person who will crush your spirit if you stay.

[Rosieposie79]

Thank you for all the responses - wow so many people have dealt with similar.

I don't think that there is a specific OW - more a general idea in his head of a sort of sporty, ageless woman that he sees from looking at too much social media. I suspect with an underlying issue with stress at his work and issues with his family he is looking for something to make himself feel better. I guess at least he isn't turning to gaming or booze - but I might prefer it if he bought a sports car instead.

I told him that I'd had enough of his comments, I thought he was being a bully and that we should book some counselling or marriage guidance. He is behaving a lot better now - which seems typical...

[DrSbaitso]

I don't think that there is a specific OW - more a general idea in his head of a sort of sporty, ageless woman that he sees from looking at too much social media.

Even if I could forgive his cruelty, rudeness and obscene sense of entitlement, I couldn't forgive the fucking stupidity.

[Wanderlusto]

Think I'd rather an inattentive gaming partner than one who made nasty comments about me looking old/fat. Not really sure theres recovering from that. And tbh...I don't think there should be. Partners are supposed to lift you up, not bring you down.

[footprintsintheslow]

I think this would be the end of the line for me. He sounds awful poor you.

My immediate thought was he's had his head turned. Does he have opportunities to meet other women at work? Could you sneak a look at his phone? Any new behaviours? Secretive with phone?

[Kat6901]

Without being outing what’s the stress at work? Is he working more overtime?

[TatianaBis]

Is he sporty and ageless himself OP?

Or is middle-aged, balding with a midlife spread.

[ILoveShula]

It sounds familiar OP, and what @SpacePotato and others said on page 1 is highly likely.

[needsahouseboy]

He's having an affair.
Classic move by him to belittle you and make you think you are the cause of his affair.
I'd tell him to leave and not put up with this shit!

[KatherineofOregon]

"I don't think that there is a specific OW - more a general idea in his head of a sort of sporty, ageless woman that he sees from looking at too much social media. I suspect with an underlying issue with stress at his work and issues with his family he is looking for something to make himself feel better".

With kindness OP i think there will be another woman eventually, if he starts to feel trapped. I felt like yr DH when i came to end of my marriage. Everything he did annoyed me, he was happy to sit at home reading at night, sneeze loudly and yawn, no ambition, buy his clothes from Sainsbury's and suggest i do same! He was really just dowdy and boring. I managed the house and children well and worked, i am very organised. My running of the home and DC's gave him the freedoms to just sit there reading about football! He has a good job but it was everything else that put me off. It happened over yrs. Every facial expression he made turned my stomach. He was a good father but was ultimately holding me back. He was just not very motivated , whereas i am. I had a very successful career and social life before i met him, my own home and money. All those i had , propelled us financially
to where we were. He just stagnated us to be honest once i had children.

Basically , he took the easy/least effort option and it made my stomach turn eventually. Therefore his sneezing, yawning, his pubic hairs left in the shower, his jeans that took days to dry, as he was tall , his lack of need to look good , make an effort, all pee'd me off. I take great care in my presentation , always have, even with young children, i made time for me. He was always told by his friends i was a keeper and he was batting above. He was not house proud either, i am, and he used to leave a trail of crumbs when he ate, like Hansel and Gretel.


In my early forties i just felt i needed more. No affair , nothing. I had had enough and we ( i said it was over ) put wheels in motion to separate. He would have been happy to plod along- he thought all was good. I was unhappy. Everything about him grated on me, i did not fancy him anymore and he was putting limitations on my life just because of who he was and what he wanted from life. Both of us are happier now, co parent very well and i am free to advance myself. My children were/are happier also, as they are more my character.

I think OP , when a partner or spouse starts to complain about your chin, how you look and yr weight, the attraction has gone. When they also feel they do not have as "fuller a life" as others, it is the beginning of the end. Looks to me like your DH has the " ick" and is sowing the very early seeds for the end of the relationship.

[KatherineofOregon]

"I also saw a photo of myself the other day and was surprised I looked okay. After all the criticism".

You look just fine OP. It is NOT you, this is HIM and how HE feels. You be true to yourself and who you are.

Your DH is looking for something, let him look and continue on his journey.

[movpov]

Wow doesn't he sound like a catch...not , a loving partner doesn't do this and make you feel shit about yourself, they build you up and tell you how gorgeous you are (which by the way I bet you are!)

So I suppose he's some sort of god

Sorry to say I agree with previous posters that he's looking to justify an affair which may not have started yet but he's got his eye on someone. I'd get rid and say she's welcome to him

[Shoxfordian]

See how long the good behaviour lasts
He sounds like a knob

[EarthSight]

Charming. He wants you to 'get fitter' yet, does he knows that testosterone is the thing that makes men as lean as they are, contributes to muscle formation and increases metabolism? Women have it stacked against them in this department so it's going to be harder for you to get a leaner shape.

I assume with his 'fitter' comment that he's going to the gym then or he's a keen cyclist? He's not weedy looking or looking flabby himself? I'm asking because so often in these situations there are some massive double standards at play.

I'm afraid he seems to be dumb enough to believe everyone's 'living their best life' and all that jazz on social media. I totally understand and sympathise that he might want to go out more and so stuff as a family.....but how is he with child care? If his idea is that you all go out and he just morphs into one of your kids and doesn't do his fair share of parenting, then I'm sure you won't feel like going out much.

However, if he actually has dreamy ideas of what other people's lives are like based on Facebook & Instagram......well that naivete is almost laughable. Is he a teenager or what? And does he not know how many filters women or photographers use, on their bodies as well as their face?

[LadyOfTheFlowers]

"I love you and want to stay married to you"

What an absolute tool....

"You know where the door is - don't let it hit your ass on the way out, cockwomble" would be my reply

[LadyOfTheFlowers]

I also think he's having and affair or on the cusp of one.

[pos1t1vePolly]

@Rosieposie79 I hope you're ok... it's not nice living like this, I experienced it first hand... my stbxh was clearly unhappy in lots of ways - in our relationship (so was I but couldn't see it at the time) and he used gaslighting behaviours towards me... to the point where I used to think I was going mad! He deflected all his insecurities onto me - told me I looked old, didn't make an effort - the list is endless. He did and some truly terrible things. And he did all this out of guilt - he wanted to ease his conscience. I let it go on for far too long. My advice to you is have an open and honest conversation with him about his behaviour. If you don't like what he's got to say, get the fuck out. Seriously. It took me I while, but I eventually straightened my crown and took back my power. I'm back to bring 'me' and I love it! Good luck. You truly deserve better xx

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"He says things like 'I love you and want to stay married to you forever but you have to stop wearing that jumper/ get fitter/ make more effort' etc."

That is one feckin' weird way to express himself!

In my opinion, when he says 'I want to stay married to you forever' what he's really saying is 'I want to make you feel really insecure about our marriage'. Now why would he do that?

" He is looking at other people's social media posts and getting grumpy because we are not out camping or whatever everyone else is doing."

Let me guess - he never suggests doing anything or arranges for you all to do anything? Just expects you to do all that?

"I told him that I'd had enough of his comments, I thought he was being a bully and that we should book some counselling or marriage guidance. He is behaving a lot better now - which seems typical..."

Well done!

[BurbageBrook]

Tbh I would leave someone for making a comment like that to me just once. Utterly disgusting behaviour.

[Blueberrymuffin40]

Why do women always worry about what they look like but men can look like a old rag and no one bat's a eyelid. Really OP what are you doing?! Chuck him!
I don't think he's having a affair I think he's abusive.
Why do men always think they look young forever and only women get old not that your old OP but in general.

[CarmelBeach]

@Rosieposie79

Thank you for all the responses - wow so many people have dealt with similar.

I don't think that there is a specific OW - more a general idea in his head of a sort of sporty, ageless woman that he sees from looking at too much social media. I suspect with an underlying issue with stress at his work and issues with his family he is looking for something to make himself feel better. I guess at least he isn't turning to gaming or booze - but I might prefer it if he bought a sports car instead.

I told him that I'd had enough of his comments, I thought he was being a bully and that we should book some counselling or marriage guidance. He is behaving a lot better now - which seems typical...

I hate to be petty but I am curious to know how he matches up to male equivalent images.

[osbertthesyrianhamster]

God, honestly, who cares? He's a negging, shaming POS. He's not behaving better, he's trying to keep you sweet so he can abuse you more.