DH comparing me to other women and families

[Rosieposie79]

Just out of the blue over the last few weeks my DH has started comparing us to other families and me to other women. He is looking at other people's social media posts and getting grumpy because we are not out camping or whatever everyone else is doing.

Also more hurtful he is starting to tell me I look old and fat. If I yawn in his presence suddenly I have 'a thick neck and too many chins and look like...[insert name of overweight 60+ yr old woman].

I also saw a photo of myself the other day and was surprised I looked okay. After all the criticism I was expecting a picture of a hefty, pot bellied old woman.

I thought I was doing okay for 42 with two young kids. I have lost weight this last year and am now back at size 10/12 and just 2kg off my target. I am not very high maintenance and can be scruffy sometimes, but I try to keep myself tidy. I am definitely no slob. I also thought me and DH were doing okay after the rollercoaster of the last year.

I was looking forward to the summer but now this. Suddenly I am watching my every step - always standing up straight, tummy in etc... I can't relax or I just get a pointed sideways look and when I ask what the matter is a cruel remark in reply.

I feel like I am suddenly not good enough and going down hill fast. He says things like 'I love you and want to stay married to you forever but you have to stop wearing that jumper/ get fitter/ make more effort' etc.

Where could this have come from? What should I do?

[Downunderduchess]

It’s gaslighting, making you doubt yourself, feel bad etc. If you want to give him an opportunity to change his behaviour then explain to him exactly how it makes you feel. If he doesn’t accept your feelings as valid, then I think you have your answer. He is a prick.

[TatianaBis]

What does he look like OP? How much effort does he make?

If someone said this to me:

’I love you and want to stay married to you forever but you have to stop wearing that jumper/ get fitter/ make more effort' etc.

I’d say: ‘I won’t stay married forever to a cunt.’

[Onthedunes]

@denverRegina

He's after shagging someone he knows that likes camping.

You're not fat. As you know.

This, listen out for the mentionitis.
More will follow.

[Lampzade]

He is jealous of your weight loss.

[Mamanyt]

My first thought is that he is interested in someone else, and comparing. I won't say he's actually having an affair, but something has made him suddenly act this way. May only be a "crush." Could pass. Might not.

Whatever the reason, it is totally unacceptable. Especially given that you are a 10-12 dress size. If I understand the differences in UK/US sizing, you'd be a 6-8 here, and that's TINY!

Dear God in heaven...I was THREE TIMES your size during my last relationship, and that adorable man told me, "You don't have to be 'perfect,' you are perfectly you!" That's the man you need to be with. Yours sounds...well.

I don't have an answer for you as to what you should to, but...I'm sending you a hug, and hoping for some really good advice here.

[occa]

Yeah in his head he’s not comparing you to ‘other people’ he’s comparing you to a specific other person who he’s either having an affair with or hoping to. Sorry.

[Iamthewombat]

If the best character assassination he can come up with is telling a size 10-12 woman that she has a thick neck/has too many chins (!!)/has to get fitter/sometimes wears a jumper that is not to his liking/doesn’t arrange enough spontaneous camping trips, I think you can safely assume that you are not the problem here.

I tend to agree that he is planning to end the relationship and is attempting to make it your fault. I’m sorry that this is happening. He sounds like a right arse. I can anticipate some surprise on the part of his solicitor if he tries to claim that he had to divorce you because of your unreasonable jumper-wearing behaviour.

[Staffy1]

@MissyB1

Start listing his faults every 5 minutes.

Do this, especially physical faults as that is what he is doing (or by the sound of it making them up). It always amazes me how many men think they can insult women's appearances when they themselves are far from anything special. It's as if they think women's soul purpose is to please them regardless of what they are like.

[Anordinarymum]

@Rosieposie79

Just out of the blue over the last few weeks my DH has started comparing us to other families and me to other women. He is looking at other people's social media posts and getting grumpy because we are not out camping or whatever everyone else is doing.

Also more hurtful he is starting to tell me I look old and fat. If I yawn in his presence suddenly I have 'a thick neck and too many chins and look like...[insert name of overweight 60+ yr old woman].

I also saw a photo of myself the other day and was surprised I looked okay. After all the criticism I was expecting a picture of a hefty, pot bellied old woman.

I thought I was doing okay for 42 with two young kids. I have lost weight this last year and am now back at size 10/12 and just 2kg off my target. I am not very high maintenance and can be scruffy sometimes, but I try to keep myself tidy. I am definitely no slob. I also thought me and DH were doing okay after the rollercoaster of the last year.

I was looking forward to the summer but now this. Suddenly I am watching my every step - always standing up straight, tummy in etc... I can't relax or I just get a pointed sideways look and when I ask what the matter is a cruel remark in reply.

I feel like I am suddenly not good enough and going down hill fast. He says things like 'I love you and want to stay married to you forever but you have to stop wearing that jumper/ get fitter/ make more effort' etc.

Where could this have come from? What should I do?

I think you have to give a bit more information for people to be able to help you OP. You say he compares you to other families, but you don't say what he says.
Also you know him better than anyone. What do you think he is saying things for?

[Yaya26]

What a nasty d**k!

[Lampzade]

You have lost weight and are probably more confident.
He is jealous and unhappy and wants you to keep you in line so that you will not realise that you can do better. Hence the focus on your weight. He wants to convince you that you are still overweight.

[thatsgotit]

OP please don't let him continue to do this to you. He's already got you doubting your attractiveness, imposing ridiculous conditions on his continued love for you, and generally walking on eggshells. I used to be with someone who was always criticising my weight/looks and other things about me, comparing me to other women, and my self-esteem took a long time to recover.

You don't deserve this. Whatever his so-called reasons are for treating you like this, it's just vile behaviour. I know it's hard with small DC but honestly I think you should kick his arse to the kerb OP. This is going to absolutely wreck your self-esteem if it continues.

[sunnyzweibrucken]

Eh, he’s got a crush on someone and/or her family life.

[blueshoes]

"I love you and want to stay married to you forever but you have to stop wearing that jumper/ get fitter/ make more effort"

Whoever says shit like this? I mean 'I want to stay married to you forever'. He is thinking of not wanting to stay married to you forever.

[DontBeRidiculous]

I agree that chances are he's up to no good.

He loves you and wants to stay with you forever but you have to lose weight/do xyz? I'd retort that you'd like to stay married, but not if he continues to berate and belittle you.

None of this sounds good. I'd be on my guard with him. If you want things to work with him, I'd start confronting him on how he'd talking to you. It's disrespectful, to say the least. Unfortunately, I'm doubtful that you can fix it, if he thinks it's in any way acceptable to treat you this way.

[Louloubelle78]

Tell him you are going to ah the fuck off game at the weekend....he goes first.

What a prick. Bet he no bloody (insert heart throb).

Tell him to book a bloody camping trip on his own...far away from you. Seriously, is he not able to conquer //www.campaites.com and but a frigging tent. Of he wants to do something am sure you wouldn't stop him booking it.

I highly suspected you are running round like a blue arsed fly and have little time for yourself. My partner will always book and pay for me to have my hair done, treatments etc. He knows it makes me feel good and he reaps the reward that I feel better of you know what I mean!

You sound great, he sounds like a dick. Am intrigued about exercises for loose skin......

[Louloubelle78]

To play not ah!

[Gothichouse40]

Strange, my first thought was there is someone else on the horizon. Next time he starts all his criticising, you can always tell him if he's not happy, nobody is forcing him to stay. You may want to stay married but is he worth staying married to. Personally, I'd rather be alone, even if unhappy than with someone constantly comparing/criticising. That will just chip away at tour self esteem. Don't waste your life on this guy if he doesn't appreciate you.

[Gothichouse40]

I take it he's a real catch as well. Is he like Mr Universe or more like Mr Planet Zog? It never ceases to amaze me that men who criticise women's looks or shape generally are f*** delusional about how they look themselves.

[GeorgiaGirl52]

Is he in his early 40's?
He is looking at himself and realizing his life is half over and he is married with children and a job. He hasn't done all the things he wanted to do - travel, money, etc. He looks for someone to blame and there you are! YOU had the kids, YOU make the weekly schedules, YOU and YOUR children cost money that could otherwise be spent in pubs, on hobbies or traveling.
The threat is that he will find (or already has found) another woman who thinks he is wonderful and makes no demands -- yet.

[Topseyt]

What do you do? You tell the stupid fuckwit to get to fuck with his personal comments and insults, that's what you do.

It is perfectly possible that he is at least eyeing up someone else and comparing you. In which case he should also get to fuck!

[MrsTerryPratchett]

He's had his head turned.

Good luck

[StayingHere]

Wow what a prick. How disrespectful of him. Sounds like he's had his head turned.

[Lorw]

Leave your husband in the gutter where he belongs...

Disgusting controlling behaviour, it’s abuse and shouldn’t be tolerated, it only gets worse. I’m sorry OP but don’t spend another minute being put down by that horrible man.

For the other poster who’s husband is horrible about loose skin from pregnancy please tell him to do one, what gives him any right to judge your body like that, especially after giving him children. Ugh. You deserve better.

[Saltyslug]

Tell him that every time he’s nasty to you you love him a little less