DH comparing me to other women and families

[Rosieposie79]

Just out of the blue over the last few weeks my DH has started comparing us to other families and me to other women. He is looking at other people's social media posts and getting grumpy because we are not out camping or whatever everyone else is doing.

Also more hurtful he is starting to tell me I look old and fat. If I yawn in his presence suddenly I have 'a thick neck and too many chins and look like...[insert name of overweight 60+ yr old woman].

I also saw a photo of myself the other day and was surprised I looked okay. After all the criticism I was expecting a picture of a hefty, pot bellied old woman.

I thought I was doing okay for 42 with two young kids. I have lost weight this last year and am now back at size 10/12 and just 2kg off my target. I am not very high maintenance and can be scruffy sometimes, but I try to keep myself tidy. I am definitely no slob. I also thought me and DH were doing okay after the rollercoaster of the last year.

I was looking forward to the summer but now this. Suddenly I am watching my every step - always standing up straight, tummy in etc... I can't relax or I just get a pointed sideways look and when I ask what the matter is a cruel remark in reply.

I feel like I am suddenly not good enough and going down hill fast. He says things like 'I love you and want to stay married to you forever but you have to stop wearing that jumper/ get fitter/ make more effort' etc.

Where could this have come from? What should I do?

[TatianaBis]

Right and not because you didn’t say straight off: I left my DH because he was abusive. But instead said it was because he was boring and made no effort - thus you ‘felt like’ OP’s DH.

[DrSbaitso]

[quote KatherineofOregon]"@DrSbaitso I'm not in the habit of sitting DOWN and having a nice adult discussion with people who blame me for everything they haven't got and tell me I'm fat at size 10, ugly, look 20 years older than I am and everything is my fault.

You do you."

Well that is not quite what OP said. Talking is how you resolve things.

I hope you resolve your own clear issues. [/quote]
Talking is how you resolve things that can be resolved. Emotional abuse is not up for resolution. Insults do not make you right, but you already knew you weren't right because you had to reach for insults.

As for you talking about others having issues when you hijacked a thread to tell us all about your own marriage and have taken up a campaign against another poster (for which I am reporting you), well, I'd invite you to look at the irony but if you could, you wouldn't be doing it.

[TatianaBis]

Not sure why my post was deleted. Suffice to say that’s not what you said in your previous post, Katherine, and OP is fielding a nasty attitude from DH herself.

[YouJustDoYou]

fucking dickhead.

[KatherineofOregon]

"@TatianaBis Some things can’t be resolved Oregon, like your marriage."

Yes, i was abused so i left.

[KatherineofOregon]

@TatianaBis look, enough already.

Clearly this thread has rung some bells with you. Post your own thread .

[TatianaBis]

Some things can’t be resolved Oregon, like your marriage.

[KatherineofOregon]

"@DrSbaitso I'm not in the habit of sitting DOWN and having a nice adult discussion with people who blame me for everything they haven't got and tell me I'm fat at size 10, ugly, look 20 years older than I am and everything is my fault.

You do you."

Well that is not quite what OP said. Talking is how you resolve things.

I hope you resolve your own clear issues.

[TatianaBis]

OP hasn’t said so has she. Even if she didn’t want to go he can still take the kids.

[KatherineofOregon]

"@TatianaBis
In that case he can’t complain about other people being out camping can he."

Well he can if OP did not want to go!

[DrSbaitso]

@KatherineofOregon

Sorry, just finally, i think the weight loss thing is a bit of a red herring. Op said in her opening post that her DH also stated he wanted to be like "other families" and do things. That stood out more to me. From those 2 comments alone he strikes me as unsettled/unhappy and looking for something else/more? He is going about it all the wrong way which is why OP needs to sit down with him and decide where they go from here.

I'm not in the habit of sitting DOWN and having a nice adult discussion with people who blame me for everything they haven't got and tell me I'm fat at size 10, ugly, look 20 years older than I am and everything is my fault.

You do you.

[TatianaBis]

Maybe he has

In that case he can’t complain about other people being out camping can he.

Lets hope OP hasn't said that to him. That would be a nasty thing to say to someone in a marriage.

Those were my words not the OP’s and the issue here is the nasty things DH has said.

[KatherineofOregon]

@TatianaBis What’s stopping him from organising a family camping trip? Instead of bitching at his wife?"

Maybe he has?

"What struck me was how much effort he is making himself?'

Yes, agree. We only have one side of this. Would be helpful if OP clarified this.

"maybe he’s an entitled slob lying on the sofa "

Lets hope OP hasn't said that to him. That would be a nasty thing to say to someone in a marriage.

[TatianaBis]

What’s stopping him from organising a family camping trip? Instead of bitching at his wife?

What struck me was how much effort he is making himself?

Maybe he’s kept himself fit and is frustrated OP hasn’t done the same (blithely unaware of the toll that childbearing and early years of child rearing takes) or maybe he’s an entitled slob lying on the sofa expecting his wife to run around organising things for him.

Could be either.

[KatherineofOregon]

Sorry, just finally, i think the weight loss thing is a bit of a red herring. Op said in her opening post that her DH also stated he wanted to be like "other families" and do things. That stood out more to me. From those 2 comments alone he strikes me as unsettled/unhappy and looking for something else/more? He is going about it all the wrong way which is why OP needs to sit down with him and decide where they go from here.

[KatherineofOregon]

"Some men become insecure when their partners upgrade their appearance and try to put them down to control them; some men are insecure from the start and use criticism as a form of control. We have no idea but that that may be going on here".

You are right, we have no idea. He could be insecure about her weight loss, it could be anything else. We really do not know what has gone on over the course of their marriage. He has clearly chosen to be nasty to the OP so this is the starting point for OP to decide what she wants to do from here. Only she really knows what may or not be behind the "change" in him or how she feels her marriage has been over the years. Understanding why he suddenly thinks what he now thinks and then why he thought it was in anyway acceptable to say such hurtful things is key. What he said is totally unacceptable. OP needs to talk to him to get to the bottom of why he has done this and then decide if this is a marriage she wants to stay in.

[TatianaBis]

I was trying to explain to Op why i " felt" some of the things i did. Things similar to what her DH has nastily verbalised

Why though? How does it help the OP to know how you felt about your DH in a completely different situation?

OP is the one who has just lost a lot of weight. History doesn’t relate how well her DH looks after himself. Some men become insecure when their partners upgrade their appearance and try to put them down to control them; some men are insecure from the start and use criticism as a form of control. We have no idea but that that may be going on here.

[KatherineofOregon]

@TatianaBis you are completely misunderstanding me. I was trying to explain to Op why i " felt" some of the things i did. Things similar to what her DH has nastily verbalised. I never ever said them to my ex DH. I was trying to explain to OP that resentment had built up in me and that resentment had led me to the ick for want of a better word.

I have said to op that she looks fine- she has not changed-something in HIM has. That was my point. We are not in that relationship, we do not know what their relationship is like or has been over the years. Her DH should absolutely not talk to her like that. I am aware this is OP's thread. I was just explaining to Op why i ended up "feeling" similar things that her DH has verbalised. I never verbalised those feelings to my now EXDH. I realised it was time for me to leave when i got to those feelings.

I thought the point of threads on here was for people to post replies, observations and shared experiences in order to to assist the OP gain better insight into their own issue. Just because you have misunderstood my post does not mean the OP has read my post and not taken something from it.

Op, i am sorry if my post yesterday has caused you any upset, that was not my intention.

[I0NA]

@Aquamarine1029

He's having an affair or his head has been turned. He's starting the process of rewriting history.

Exactly this.

[TatianaBis]

@KatherineofOregon

This thread is not about you and the issues with your relationship are different to the OP’s, so I’m not sure why you’re identifying with the DH. Unless you made cruel remarks to your DH?

[MindTheBumps]

He has seen how you have lost weight and is putting you down so you don't realise you can do better and leave.

Please do leave, you CAN do better.