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Original poster

DH comparing me to other women and families

160 replies

Rosieposie79 · 20/04/2021 22:29

Just out of the blue over the last few weeks my DH has started comparing us to other families and me to other women. He is looking at other people's social media posts and getting grumpy because we are not out camping or whatever everyone else is doing.

Also more hurtful he is starting to tell me I look old and fat. If I yawn in his presence suddenly I have 'a thick neck and too many chins and look like...[insert name of overweight 60+ yr old woman].

I also saw a photo of myself the other day and was surprised I looked okay. After all the criticism I was expecting a picture of a hefty, pot bellied old woman.

I thought I was doing okay for 42 with two young kids. I have lost weight this last year and am now back at size 10/12 and just 2kg off my target. I am not very high maintenance and can be scruffy sometimes, but I try to keep myself tidy. I am definitely no slob. I also thought me and DH were doing okay after the rollercoaster of the last year.

I was looking forward to the summer but now this. Suddenly I am watching my every step - always standing up straight, tummy in etc... I can't relax or I just get a pointed sideways look and when I ask what the matter is a cruel remark in reply.

I feel like I am suddenly not good enough and going down hill fast. He says things like 'I love you and want to stay married to you forever but you have to stop wearing that jumper/ get fitter/ make more effort' etc.

Where could this have come from? What should I do?

OP posts:
ihatemessyplay · 21/04/2021 05:10

If it's an affair he's a prick.
If he's trying to take you down a peg because you've lost weight, he's a prick.

In each situation he is just a prick not worth being married to. Putting someone down like that is so fucking nasty and beyond unreasonable. There would be no coming back from that for me.

updownroundandround · 21/04/2021 07:14

@Rosieposie79

It definitely sounds like he's either thinking about having an affair, or has begun one..................

All this sudden fixation on how you look old/ fat/ wrinkly etc etc sounds like he's going to try to blame you.

''I had the affair because you're so fat/ ugly/ wrinkly etc etc...............all so that he can 'justify' that it 'wasn't' his fault. I mean c'mon,'' anyone would have an affair if they were lumbered with you ffs''

I'd honestly be 'bursting his fucking bubble' for him !

Tell him '' Oh my God ! I saw Susan's H today, and he is fit ! He's not all saggy like you !!

And, ''Look at all those guys on Naked Attraction ! All of them have much bigger penises than yours ! I think I've been short changed with you !

Fucking egotistical prick !!

MajorMujer · 21/04/2021 07:17

Well, he is obviously a prick op.

Bluntness100 · 21/04/2021 07:20

Wow that’s horrible. Totally abusive and cruel, what an arsehole.

Clearly something is behind this, he’s deeply unhappy about something if it’s recent. I’d also guess someone else. You need to sit down and talk to him and try to get to the bottom of it.

harknesswitch · 21/04/2021 07:25

I think maybe a few things

  1. He could be getting flattery elsewhere and he's trying to pick arguments to justify his behaviour
  1. He's jealous. You've lost a lot of weight, you're looking better than ever, you said you look after yourself and he's feeling put out, maybe jealous or he's worried that it's actually 'him' that's feeling fat and old and he's trying to being you down to his level

Tbh next time he says it, look him dead in the eye and tell him that's it's a very hurtful and nasty thing to say to someone. Also if he not happy with what he's doing then he can always organise a weekend camping etc

Or the usual 'well you're hardly Brad Pitt' are you!

Yellowhighheels · 21/04/2021 07:35

Please leave this awful man before your self esteem is destroyed.

Why can't he organise camping trips?

I feel like because he goes on about your weight so much, when you're actually a perfectly slim size (well done on the weight loss, btw), means that he might be quite intimidated by you getting back to your fighting weight, being more confident, possibly wearing nicer clothes and in his mind getting more male attention, hence trying to drag you down. Don't know how much you lost but did he ever mention your weight negatively when you were heavier?

MsDogLady · 21/04/2021 07:38

Your H has been a nasty piece of work “just out of the blue over the past few weeks.” This is key and does suggest that he is infatuated/involved with an OW. Rosie, could this be someone from work? He is diminishing you and creating emotional distance to justify his disloyal thoughts and behavior.

Inform him that you will no longer tolerate his cruelty and that you are reconsidering the relationship. Remind him that he has much to lose.

EasterEggBelly · 21/04/2021 07:47

My first thought was he’s getting ready to leave and blame you.

I think 2 choices.
Either start listing every fault he has each time he does it to you. Although that sounds like a miserable existence.
Or ask him to stop and say it upsets you. If he doesn’t then something else is going on.

TweeterandtheMonkeyman · 21/04/2021 07:51

Yeah speaking from experience, it will be an affair - or at the very least a crush on someone else .

nolovelost · 21/04/2021 07:58

He sounds threatened by your weight loss, but he's a tosser. My ex used to say that I was too old to wear a short skirt when I was 30! He'll get worse, I would dump him.

Boho7 · 21/04/2021 08:04

@ihatemessyplay

If it's an affair he's a prick. If he's trying to take you down a peg because you've lost weight, he's a prick.

In each situation he is just a prick not worth being married to. Putting someone down like that is so fucking nasty and beyond unreasonable. There would be no coming back from that for me.

This! X
GoWalkabout · 21/04/2021 08:06

Don't walk on eggshells or suck your tummy in. Keep your confidence. Tell him firmly not to speak to or about you like that. Do you love him still? I think I would struggle tbh.

Burn0ut · 21/04/2021 08:11

Is he perhaps projecting on you the lack of satisfaction about his own appearance and his own life?

Suffolkpunch345 · 21/04/2021 08:11

Tell him to jump off social media and back into really life! Sounds like it’s his head that is the problem, not your image!

DrSbaitso · 21/04/2021 08:33

I don't know what exactly the problem is - affair, pandemic, social media - but whatever it is, it's entirely his and you don't have to put up with it. I really couldn't come back from this.

Wavypurple · 21/04/2021 08:44

Vile behaviour. Sorry, but that really is so nasty. I would be devastated if anybody said that to me let alone my life partner.

I’m sure you look great. What a horrible thing to say to you.

loveheartss · 21/04/2021 08:58

He's feeling insecure OP.

Those who are content and secure in themselves do not feel the need to put their wife down (this is because you have lost weight - again maybe he feels that actually YOU could do better than him) and do not feel the need to compare themselves to others.

I know it's said often very quickly on here but I am not sure I could stay around someone who was trying to destroy my self esteem. I was in a relationship like that in my late teens/early 20s and it took a little while to recover afterwards. You can already see what he is doing, it needs to stop immediately.

sunshine789 · 21/04/2021 09:30

Omg...What a horrible things to say:\

Tell him that you agree that your jumper is a bit outdated and you would gladly hire stylist who would go with you shopping for the whole new wardrobe with his credit card))

But to be serious, tell him that its unpleasant for you to hear such comments and as they are not true, its unacceptable. If he will continue doing that, you need to figure out if you want to continue such relations.

Phoenix121 · 21/04/2021 09:47

@TweeterandtheMonkeyman

Yeah speaking from experience, it will be an affair - or at the very least a crush on someone else .
100%

When 'issues' that weren't issues in the past start being mentioned you just know that a direct comparison is being made.

As PP have stated, the reason they do this is because they feel guilty for having these feelings so they seek justification. It can be something as so heartbreakingly simple as their wife growing old and not being the youthful woman she once was.

dottiedodah · 21/04/2021 09:52

I think he is behaving like a twat! He may be having an affair ,or simply that hes middle aged and dissatisfied with what hes achieved and is turning it to you.Projection is a very common thing sadly .Tell him you are not putting up with it .Start to list his many faults! If he is still behaving like this ,think about whether you want to stay with him long term or not .

rockingchairhero · 21/04/2021 10:16

It's the start of a mid-life crisis

Triffid1 · 21/04/2021 10:26

Who cares if he's having an affair or not? Because quite frankly he sounds like a horrible man and if I was you I'd be seriously considering whether there's any chance that this relationship could continue. Because no one should get these sorts of comments from someone who supposedly loves them.

CheltenhamLady · 21/04/2021 10:26

OP, you need to address this complete lack of respect in one of two ways:

Turn it back onto his flaws and exaggerate them and look quite disgusted as you say it.

Or

Tell him that you will not put up with it and show him the door.

You are not any of the things he is saying. Very few women are slimmer at 42 with several children. Is he perfect? I would bet not.

annonymousse · 21/04/2021 10:30

Do you think he is feeling insecure if you have lost weight recently. No excuse but it's a classic bullying technique to pick away at your self confidence to boost his own

EmmaJR1 · 21/04/2021 10:40

Interesting that you have lost weight and he's starting to be an arsehole.

Do you think he feels threatened so is making you feel crap so you don't look elsewhere? Like you'll feel so worthless you won't think anyone else would have you?

He's a complete dick so I'd absolutely look elsewhere...