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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH comparing me to other women and families

160 replies

Rosieposie79 · 20/04/2021 22:29

Just out of the blue over the last few weeks my DH has started comparing us to other families and me to other women. He is looking at other people's social media posts and getting grumpy because we are not out camping or whatever everyone else is doing.

Also more hurtful he is starting to tell me I look old and fat. If I yawn in his presence suddenly I have 'a thick neck and too many chins and look like...[insert name of overweight 60+ yr old woman].

I also saw a photo of myself the other day and was surprised I looked okay. After all the criticism I was expecting a picture of a hefty, pot bellied old woman.

I thought I was doing okay for 42 with two young kids. I have lost weight this last year and am now back at size 10/12 and just 2kg off my target. I am not very high maintenance and can be scruffy sometimes, but I try to keep myself tidy. I am definitely no slob. I also thought me and DH were doing okay after the rollercoaster of the last year.

I was looking forward to the summer but now this. Suddenly I am watching my every step - always standing up straight, tummy in etc... I can't relax or I just get a pointed sideways look and when I ask what the matter is a cruel remark in reply.

I feel like I am suddenly not good enough and going down hill fast. He says things like 'I love you and want to stay married to you forever but you have to stop wearing that jumper/ get fitter/ make more effort' etc.

Where could this have come from? What should I do?

OP posts:
osbertthesyrianhamster · 20/04/2021 23:19

I'd tell him to fuck off. Yes, I really would. What an arsehole.

EKGEMS · 20/04/2021 23:20

Oh honey,I'm five years older than you and one size larger and no way in hell would I tolerate verbal abuse from my spouse-and that's exactly what it is. Id be throwing his clothes on the front lawn and he'd be sleeping elsewhere for the rest of his life

Anniissa · 20/04/2021 23:20

I’d say he’s worried that you’re losing weight and looking good and going to leave him behind so he digs at your self esteem to make sure you stay with him.

Justilou1 · 20/04/2021 23:21

Often when men behave this way they are cheating, I’m sorry to say.

billy1966 · 20/04/2021 23:22

What a nasty piece of shit.

I am so sorry OP.

Please don't take his nastiness on board but see it for what it is, truly awful behaviour from someone you thought loves you.

These are not the words of someone who cares about you.

You need to pull away and protect yourself from him.

I think his behaviour is despicable and a deal breaker.

This behaviour speaks to his character not yours.
Do not allow yourself to be so disrespected.

Flowers
Justilou1 · 20/04/2021 23:22

Please read “The Script”.... it’s on here somewhere and it will have everything you need to know about why he’s being such a prick. Can I guess that he’s no Adonis...?

Honeyroar · 20/04/2021 23:23

Tell him a good husband wouldn’t come out with this nasty shit.

ElizabethTudor · 20/04/2021 23:24

What should you do?

Tell him to fuck the fuck off, the insulting cock-head?
Even if he’s got the body of a premier league footballer, looks like Tom Hardy and has the personality / character of Keanu Reeves, that still doesn’t give him the right to be horrible to you.
I agree with others, he probably got a combo of FOMO from social media (twat) and possibly fancies someone (twat).

ElizabethTudor · 20/04/2021 23:24

Ignore the erroneous ?

HollowTalk · 20/04/2021 23:24

And does this man look like a Greek god himself?

That's really awful that you were surprised to see you looked OK - he's obviously doing this quite often, then, isn't he?

Gilda152 · 20/04/2021 23:25

I think he's feeling insecure actually, because you've lost weight and so he's trying to bring you down to earth and undermine you. Regardless of his motives he's acting like a dick. Ask him if this is his way of drawing the marriage to a close.

silkpillowcases · 20/04/2021 23:26

You don't have a looks or weight issue, you have a DH issue. This is on him.

PickAChew · 20/04/2021 23:27

He's an arsehole and an arsehole is definitely not good enough for you.

GlitzAndGlamour26 · 20/04/2021 23:29

Start pointing his flaws out!Your the mother of his children.He should not be treating you like this!Tell him if he isn't happy he can leave!

Runkle · 20/04/2021 23:29

Where could this have come from? The pits of your husband's nasty, spiteful mind. What should you do? Tell him to fuck himself.

PickAChew · 20/04/2021 23:30

@M0rT

Tell him some morning you need to have a talk when the dc are in bed...let him stew for the day...in the evening say your worried about his mental health...he has been so angry and bitter lately, it has been so long since he made you laugh or happy...does he think he needs to go to the doctor? It's the exact same sort of faux concern wrapping up a stab in the back he's been doing to you. But your probably too nice a person to be such a manipulative cunt.
And this. It's the perfect response while you consider how to relieve yourself of your less useful anal orifice
Ninkanink · 20/04/2021 23:31

Seriously? Do you actually sit and take this shit from him??

He’s either had his head turned or he’s feeling dissatisfied with himself/his own life, or he’s jealous and threatened by the fact that you’ve lost weight.

Whatever his problem is you need to tell him to sort his shit out and stop it with the negativity and the put downs, otherwise you might decide that you no longer wish to be married to his sorry ass!

Tinty · 20/04/2021 23:32

He says things like 'I love you and want to stay married to you forever but you have to stop wearing that jumper/ get fitter/ make more effort' etc.

I would reply with “really DH, because I’m not sure if I will love you and want to stay married to you for much longer, if you don’t stop with the nasty comments and you could make the effort to be nice and compliment me instead of being rude.

JetBlackSteed · 20/04/2021 23:33

I'm afraid I've seen this before. He's justifying to himself for his feelings for someone else.
Put a stop to this treatment and call him out.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/04/2021 23:35

I'm afraid I've seen this before. He's justifying to himself for his feelings for someone else.

Yup. 100%

Onthedunes · 20/04/2021 23:39

Say to him....

Is your hair thinning?
Do you think you've put a bit on round your middle, lets eat more healthily.
I've seen some great men's moisturiser, not that you need it love just a suggestion.
Pin point the insecuries in him and pretend you want to help him.

If he's up to something , he will get worried.

hazandduck · 20/04/2021 23:39

I actually agree with @Gilda152 I don’t think it’s someone else, I think it’s because you’re looking good, have lost weight and he feels threatened so wants to knock your confidence. Whatever it is, he’s being a dick!

denverRegina · 20/04/2021 23:43

He's after shagging someone he knows that likes camping.

You're not fat. As you know.

Washingtofold · 20/04/2021 23:46

@hamandcgeese

Occasionally my DH does this and I laugh, or give a dismissive eye roll smile or say he needs his eyes retested. I'm not an unkind person, so I don't point out his flaws, but seriously he is quite overweight. I'm not overweight, but do have loose skin from my pregnancies, there's only so much I can do about it without skin removal so I'm not going to let it bring me down. He also tells me what exercises I can do to firm up the skin, this is complete bollocks and his knowledge of exercise and the body is way below mine.

Don't let your DH knock your confidence, sounds like you're doing well. I hope he's not up to no good, but if it's long term behaviour and often then it's not nice. Certainly worth some deep thought about the future 💭

Ops husband sounds horrible but this guy sounds like the absolute pits Putting crap on a woman for excess skin after pregnancy wtaf

OP I’m sorry to say I agree his head may have been turned and he is trying to blame you