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Original poster

Rebound pregnancy

166 replies

Confusedman1234 · 20/04/2021 21:45

Hi everyone I’m a male just looking for advice,I met a girl straight after my 10 year relationship ended after 5months of been together I knew I didn’t love her she was just just a company for me and I wanted to ended things then she found out she was pregnant and I’m absolutely numb and devastated!! She stopped taking her pill without me knowing around the time she questioned why i seemed to be pulling away. She is now 16 weeks pregnant because she wanted to keep it, I always wanted kids but she’s not the person I wanted them too I wanted them with my ex who I still love a lot! I feel trapped in a rebound relationship and I don’t know what to do I’m so depressed and down and I haven’t shared my feelings with her as I don’t want to stress her out whilst she’s pregnant,I’ve become so distant with her since she become pregnant and only see her once a week now after spending everyday together at the start of the relationship. I feel like I get irritated over little things she does when she’s done nothing wrong but I know I don’t want to be with her but I feel like I have to stay and try because she’s pregnant but I really want my ex back!! I’ve got myself in such a mess I just don’t know what to do!! I’m hoping I will learn to love her when the baby comes and be a family but I really can’t see it happening and she’s so happy and thinks everything is fine when it’s not! I can’t even bring myself to buy anything for the baby as I feel to numb! Will staying with her for the wrong reasons make things worse?? I was ready to end things within a week of her finding out. I will 100% support her with the baby but I just really can’t see is working out Or me actually loving her will a baby make things worse for us as a couple of things are like this now?? She knew From the start it wasn’t ever going to be a serious relationship, I can’t sleep anymore I just feel strange and not myself,she’s 21 years old and I’m 32 it was only ever fun and company and now I’m in a relationship with a girl I don’t love and now I’ve messed up the chance to get back the person I wanted

OP posts:
MrMeSeeks · 21/04/2021 19:52

Give your ex time to come to terms with it, maybe you’ll work things out.

CaraherEIL · 21/04/2021 20:07

I am sorry but at 21 she is old enough to know the difference between right and wrong and I can’t understand why people are so keen to excuse her behaviour. If the OP was 25 would it mean she was really out of order but because he is 32 she isn’t? At 21 she has already had two pregnancies and during this recent relationship she has actively pursued him. She then stopped her contraception to try and have a child without telling him. The idea that she has been taken advantage just doesn’t add up.

CaraherEIL · 21/04/2021 20:09

OP I hope you have a chance to work things out with your ex too.

Original poster
Confusedman1234 · 21/04/2021 20:45

Thank you but I’ve ruined everything instead of working on my relationship I jumped straight in with someone else and she wouldn’t ever take me back now. Thank you everyone for al your comments harsh or kind everyone is entitled to their own views I know I’ve done wrong I just wanted to talk to someone because I’ve been to much of a coward to speak to anyone who knows me about it

OP posts:
Doomsdayiscoming · 21/04/2021 21:09

What career do you have? Does it involve punctuation?

MrMeSeeks · 21/04/2021 21:10

Op go speak to your mates.
I’m sure they would not think you a coward and would want you to speak to them.
You mace a mistake, but you were played.
You need your mates and your family

MrMeSeeks · 21/04/2021 21:10

What career do you have? Does it involve punctuation?

Seriously Hmm

Original poster
Confusedman1234 · 21/04/2021 21:31

What’s punctuation got to with anything? I come here for advice on a problem not my typing!!!!

OP posts:
MrMeSeeks · 21/04/2021 21:34

What’s punctuation got to with anything? I come here for advice on a problem not my typing!!!

Ignore them, some people have nothing better to do....
Sad really.

Original poster
Confusedman1234 · 21/04/2021 21:35

I know always have to nit pick at something 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedman1234 · 21/04/2021 21:37

Thank you I’ll speak to my family/friends instead of keeping it all to my myself and more Importantly the mother of my child

OP posts:
MrMeSeeks · 21/04/2021 21:38

Good luckGrin
Its what your family and friends are there for. Smile

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/04/2021 22:01

The fact that the OP has a good career and is financially much more sorted than most 20 years olds has probably added to his attraction in her eyes

I agree that OP could have worn a condom, but this same thought occurred to me - especially given the two previous pregnancies

Just how sure are you that the baby's yours, OP? Those who are capable of being so deceitful often don't restrict it to just one subject, so while you're doing the right thing in principle to agree to pay for the baby, you might want to insist on a DNA test before you start handing over money

Carbara · 21/04/2021 22:13

The important thing to take from this thread is- CONDOMS; you are responsible for contraception, make better choices, and make your writing easier for people to try to read. Good luck parenting.

bitheby · 21/04/2021 23:56

You don't love her, you can't stay in a relationship with her. It will make you miserable and her and your child. You all deserve to be loved and to be happy.

Break it off and decide how you will co-parent.

2ndtimemum2 · 22/04/2021 02:25

@Doomsdayiscoming

What career do you have? Does it involve punctuation?
What career do you have? cause I really hope it doesn't involve human interaction Wink
2ndtimemum2 · 22/04/2021 02:29

Op I don't know why people are suggesting consequences when the horse has already bolted....Next they'll be suggesting you by a dolorean and change the past.

Yes this isn't the life you envisioned but you have to accept that you are going to be a father and you have already experienced the pain of an absent father so use that as your motivation to be the best father you can be.

You need to sit down and talk to her find out where she stands in all this. Having been there with a crisis pregnancy I promise you things will get better even if it doesn't feel like that now.

Trustisamust · 22/04/2021 03:33

Yes I totally agree that OP should have protected himself contraception-wise, especially considering he knew the relationship was only casual. I hope he made this clear to his young gf from the get-go.

In his defence, I do understand that he thought she was on the pill and therefore unlikely to get pregnant.

However, I'm 40 and fell pregnant on the pill. Yes this was very much to my/our surprise as I can hand on heart say that I was taking it 100% correctly. I would say I'm an intelligent and mature woman but never thought I'd be in the 1% (stats with fully correct pill use).

However, where my situation was wildly different is that I was (still am) in a long-term relationship with my fiancé whom I trusted to know that if I did ever fall pregnant (even though a very small chance), we would be mature enough to work through our options together as a couple.

As it happens I sadly miscarried the pregnancy but I suppose what my word of warning is - if you really don't want sex to result in a pregnancy then don't rely on the pill and always use a condom. It's a shame the OP has learned this lesson too late and I wish him all the best for the future.

AgentJohnson · 22/04/2021 06:01

I will never understand the rationale men will use for not taking contraceptive responsibility. Contrary to popular belief contraception is not only a woman’s responsibility and the second you delegated that responsibility (couldn’t be bothered to use a condom) to someone else, especially someone you didn’t really know, was the second you gambled your future away for the gratification of condomless sex. I mean FFS, STI’s, haven’t you heard of them?

You are about to become a father, grow the hell up. Own your stupidity and don’t compound it by lying to her.

Your mindset needs to change, even when you think you’re being selfless, your actually being selfish because your supposed acts of selflessness, is all about you. ‘I don’t want to hurt her’ is bullshit code for not wanting to be seen as the bad guy, which is ironic, since you are already hurting her by emotionally distancing yourself. I suspect she’s realised that you aren’t the happy ending she may have been looking for and probably accounts for her change in demeanour.

No one forced you to not to take responsibility for your own fertility. No one forced you to use someone else to distract you from your hurt over your previous relationship. No one is forcing you to be a dick by emotionally distancing yourself from the woman you will co parenting for the next 18 years. My advice, stop seeing yourself as the victim and start owning your actions.

Not wanting to be seen as the bad guy and not actually being the bad guy, are two very different things.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 22/04/2021 07:04

@Trustisamust

Yes I totally agree that OP should have protected himself contraception-wise, especially considering he knew the relationship was only casual. I hope he made this clear to his young gf from the get-go.

In his defence, I do understand that he thought she was on the pill and therefore unlikely to get pregnant.

However, I'm 40 and fell pregnant on the pill. Yes this was very much to my/our surprise as I can hand on heart say that I was taking it 100% correctly. I would say I'm an intelligent and mature woman but never thought I'd be in the 1% (stats with fully correct pill use).

However, where my situation was wildly different is that I was (still am) in a long-term relationship with my fiancé whom I trusted to know that if I did ever fall pregnant (even though a very small chance), we would be mature enough to work through our options together as a couple.

As it happens I sadly miscarried the pregnancy but I suppose what my word of warning is - if you really don't want sex to result in a pregnancy then don't rely on the pill and always use a condom. It's a shame the OP has learned this lesson too late and I wish him all the best for the future.

But she stopped taking the pill. This isn't an accident because contraception failed. She lied.

There was no contraception because without telling him, she stopped taking it.

No the contraception shouldn't always be the women's responsibility, but here they agreed they were covered (as much as you ever are) from her taking the pill.

Me and my H don't want kids. Contraception is his responsibility because I can't take the pill etc. If he stopped using it and didn't tell me I'd be livid and it would be seen as rape.

The double standards here are appalling.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 22/04/2021 07:06

"My advice, stop seeing yourself as the victim and start owning your actions."

But he is a victim. She lied. If the roles were reversed you wouldn't blame the woman.

Sunflower1970 · 22/04/2021 08:29

You seem very immature to me. What is a 32 year old bloke doing messing about with a 21 year old? In some ways you’ve made your bed and there’s a child involved. Sorry - no sympathy from me

Trustisamust · 22/04/2021 09:15

@Confusedman1234
I agree, but what I am saying is even if OP thought his gf was on the pill, there is still the risk of pregnancy, even if taken absolutely correctly. With typical use it is even more likely to fail.
As OP was only in a casual relationship using a condom would have been sensible, even if his gf was claiming to be on the pill.
Even "true" accidents can happen. I speak from experience as it happened to me (and I was almost 40 with perfect pill use!!)

Trustisamust · 22/04/2021 09:17

My apologies - that last post was for @NeilBuchananisBanksy.

DangerNature · 22/04/2021 09:21

What has she said about stopping taking the pill? Has she said why she did it? Has she admitted to doing it?

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