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Original poster

Rebound pregnancy

166 replies

Confusedman1234 · 20/04/2021 21:45

Hi everyone I’m a male just looking for advice,I met a girl straight after my 10 year relationship ended after 5months of been together I knew I didn’t love her she was just just a company for me and I wanted to ended things then she found out she was pregnant and I’m absolutely numb and devastated!! She stopped taking her pill without me knowing around the time she questioned why i seemed to be pulling away. She is now 16 weeks pregnant because she wanted to keep it, I always wanted kids but she’s not the person I wanted them too I wanted them with my ex who I still love a lot! I feel trapped in a rebound relationship and I don’t know what to do I’m so depressed and down and I haven’t shared my feelings with her as I don’t want to stress her out whilst she’s pregnant,I’ve become so distant with her since she become pregnant and only see her once a week now after spending everyday together at the start of the relationship. I feel like I get irritated over little things she does when she’s done nothing wrong but I know I don’t want to be with her but I feel like I have to stay and try because she’s pregnant but I really want my ex back!! I’ve got myself in such a mess I just don’t know what to do!! I’m hoping I will learn to love her when the baby comes and be a family but I really can’t see it happening and she’s so happy and thinks everything is fine when it’s not! I can’t even bring myself to buy anything for the baby as I feel to numb! Will staying with her for the wrong reasons make things worse?? I was ready to end things within a week of her finding out. I will 100% support her with the baby but I just really can’t see is working out Or me actually loving her will a baby make things worse for us as a couple of things are like this now?? She knew From the start it wasn’t ever going to be a serious relationship, I can’t sleep anymore I just feel strange and not myself,she’s 21 years old and I’m 32 it was only ever fun and company and now I’m in a relationship with a girl I don’t love and now I’ve messed up the chance to get back the person I wanted

OP posts:

Arrierttyclock · 21/04/2021 13:13

@Wanderlusto how can you say that? She said she was on the pill and yes it was naive of the OP to believe her and not use a condom but fuck sake that's twisted saying you're on the pill when you're not. I would break things off with her completely she sounds like a nutcase and just talk to her about the baby/maintaince etc

CaraherEIL · 21/04/2021 13:15

Wanderlusto then if you are always that responsible then I understand where you are coming from, I know very few couples who use both condoms and the pill. In most conversations I have had with friends they go on the pill purely he can stop using condoms once the relationship has moved on from the first few months. A lot of them have STD testing done beforehand but they then longterm use the pill rather than both forms of contraception. They would definitely be very upset if they got pregnant and believe they are being responsible in trying to avoid it. I agree with you being longterm on the pill is not something I think is good for women’s health.

Wanderlusto · 21/04/2021 13:26

[quote Arrierttyclock]@Wanderlusto how can you say that? She said she was on the pill and yes it was naive of the OP to believe her and not use a condom but fuck sake that's twisted saying you're on the pill when you're not. I would break things off with her completely she sounds like a nutcase and just talk to her about the baby/maintaince etc [/quote]
I agree, it's definately twisted. If that's what she has done. But he is a 30+ year old man trusting a 21 year old to be responsible. She could have just accidentally skipped a pill or been ill for a few days and got pregnant. But not if he had taken his side of the steps to prevent against that.

Anyway, what's done is done I suppose :/

Whatisthisfuckery · 21/04/2021 13:36

Fucksake fella, you were man enough to ejaculate into her vagina, be man enough to be honest with her, then be man enough to step up to your responsibilities as a father.

bunglebee · 21/04/2021 13:44

Bunglebee By your definition no one should ever have casual sex even if they use a condom . If he had used a condom and it had split and she lied and said she had taken the morning after pill and she then got pregnant the problem would have been caused by failed contraception but the pregnancy would have continued due to one party out and out lying. The main problem here is someone trying to convince you they are actively trying to avoid pregnancy when they are actively trying to pursue it
It's about controlling what you can control. By his own description he knew the relationship was casual, he knew it was not working out even so, and he was being emotionally distant with her. But somehow he didn't stop sticking his condomless dick in her, because it felt nice for him and he didn't think he'd have to face the consequences. If you're having casual sex and you're not being honest with the person you're having it with, you should probably expect they're not being honest with you either. If she were here and admitted to having pulled the goalie on purpose, I'd give her a roasting. She isn't, but he is, and given that he's complacently failed to do anything to protect himself because he liked getting his end away, I'm not coming down with sympathy.

choli · 21/04/2021 13:56

If I was pregnant to a man eleven years older than me and his Mum sat me down and said she wasn’t happy about it I would laugh in her face.
I bet you would. Especially if you were the sort to trick someone into parenthood, you'd be laughing in everyone's face. I'd like to see how you laugh after a few years of single parenthood.

Trixie78 · 21/04/2021 13:57

It's not going to work. She's only herself to blame, she felt you pulling away and deliberately got pregnant to keep you. She's a silly girl who will now learn a hard lesson. End the relationship, you won't learn to love her. Be happy co parents.

DeadlyMedally · 21/04/2021 14:01

@Wanderlusto
There has been at least one rape conviction in the UK based on a man claiming to have had a vasectomy, whilst still being knowingly "fertile".
I sincerely doubt that a man in OP's situation would get very far, but it's not as morally or legally clear-cut as you state.
Conditional consent is a thing here.

Strawberriesandcreams · 21/04/2021 14:16

I don't agree with everyone saying he should have worn a condom if he really didn't want a baby and that's the risk of sex blah blah blah. I'm in a relationship and I take the pill and my partner doesn't wear condoms because he trusts me to take it. And being 21 is no excuse I knew at 21 shit like this was wrong.

Anyway OP ...... you need to talk to her and be honest. Seeing her less during the week is not the awnser here and it will upset her and make her worry anyway. Maybe don't tell her how you feel about your ex but say that you're unhappy and wanting to do the right thing for the baby if that's where you're at. She can't expect you to be over the moon when you didn't consent to trying for a baby.

I had an unplanned pregnancy at a young age and we were both terrified but when our baby was born we completely fell in love and fears melted away. I hope this happens for you and your baby.

Sn00zeyoul00ze5 · 21/04/2021 14:18

You didn't really like her, but continued with a serial relationship nevertheless

She perhaps wanted a baby or the baby was a mistake

You both sound like you need to grow up & face your responsibilities

It takes two people

Sn00zeyoul00ze5 · 21/04/2021 14:18

Serial, not serial

Sn00zeyoul00ze5 · 21/04/2021 14:19

Auto correct
sexual

Sn00zeyoul00ze5 · 21/04/2021 14:20

Accident, not mistake

TenaciousOnePointOne · 21/04/2021 14:23

@Strawberriesandcreams

I had an unplanned pregnancy at a young age and we were both terrified but when our baby was born we completely fell in love and fears melted away. I hope this happens for you and your baby.

I guess the difference is you are talking about a relationship, from everything the OP has said it wasn't a relationship more like a casual thing. If she/he was casual with one person there is no reason they aren't being casual with more and condoms protect against more than just pregnancy. In that scenario I would expect both parties to protect themselves.

CaraherEIL · 21/04/2021 14:31

Bunglebee, there is some truth in what you say and I love the phrase pulled the goalie, but he didn’t think he would have to face the consequences of condom free sex because she told him she was on the pill. I think from his reaction that there is no doubt if she had been honest about deliberately coming off the pill he would have worn a condom. I think he was unsure of his feelings about her but most people in a rebound relationship after the breakup of a very longterm relationship are unsure of their feelings and that’s allowed without being tricked into having a lifelong involvement with this person. There was trust on his side because he believed she was taking care of contraception, I think after 5 months I wouldn’t think that someone I was involved with would lie to my face and set out to trick me. Also this is her third pregnancy whereas the OP had managed to be a previous relationship for 10 years without getting his previous partner pregnant and it’s likely she too was on the pill so he may have naively assumed it was 100% safe. There is a strong feeling that the OP deserves this outcome and I disagree he was in his previous relationship from the age of 22 he might not be nearly as worldly wise as the 21 year old in this instance. He has been played and I don’t think that he deserves this outcome.

Dery · 21/04/2021 14:39

OP behaved in a very entitled manner. It doesn’t seem to have crossed his mind to do without sex. Or wear a condom. Or perhaps find a more mature and experienced woman to have his casual relationship with. Ultimately any PIV sex has the potential to result in pregnancy even when contraception is being used responsibly. That’s a risk OP took.

But all that said, OP - we all make mistakes (I’ve made some huge ones in my time) and you’re paying a significant price for your mistakes.

So learn from them. Don’t try to be a romantic partner to this woman - it won’t work - but do try to co-parent responsibly. The earliest days of parenting are extremely hard work but children are a huge joy also and you may find unexpected fatherhood is the making of you.

Strawberriesandcreams · 21/04/2021 14:40

I understand it was casual but she still betrayed his trust in my opinion. You can have mutual agreements about contraception even in casual relationships.

Boonlark · 21/04/2021 14:52

What she did to you, was to try to trap you with her pregnancy when she felt you pulling away. It's really twisted for her to do that.

You shouldn't be with someone who behaves like that towards you. It's ok to end the relationship for any reason, let alone something that's so seriously wrong.

Yes you have a responsibility to the baby if she decides to keep it. She needs to know now, so that she still has options.

Put yourselves in the shoes of a child growing up with a mum and dad in a relationship like yours currently is. Except it will be worse because having a child makes things so much harder. Plus you're going to resent her.

You need to tell her straight away. If you find it hard to say it when she's in front of you, then write her a letter, and give it to her while you're there.

CaraherEIL · 21/04/2021 14:53

Strawberriesandcreams- I totally agree with you. There are a lot of people posting here that would have us believe they never had sex without both parties using contraception at all times until they tried for a baby and I don’t believe that’s true. I hear so many times from women that they on the pill and their partners do not use condoms.I don’t think a 5 month relationship where you are seeing each other everyday would be viewed as that casual.I know he started to pull away after that 5 months and that’s when she stopped the pill but it’s not like a two week fling.

CaraherEIL · 21/04/2021 15:13

Also if a mature and ‘sensible’ older woman who was desperate for a baby had tricked him in the same way it would still be a really shitty thing to do. It’s not the age that is the issue it’s the deceit. Yes take responsibility for yourself but it’s hard to advise what length of time into a relationship you can start to trust someone and believe they are not lying to you about something so important.
Most people do not distrust their partner right up until the moment that they start to try and conceive a child but most posters on this thread are advocating that you have to have a situation of mutual distrust in all your relationships until you want to have a child together and if you don’t then you deserve everything you get. If I met someone and they told me they were infertile after 5 months I would believe them, if they told me they were taking blood pressure tablets I would believe them, if they told me they were taking the contraceptive pill I would believe them. It was even more contrived because she was taking them so he may well have even seen them and then she just stopped.
She chose this course of action and took away his choice. Yes if he had worn condoms from the start it might have been avoided but if her end goal was pregnancy then it’s likely that after 5 months together she would have persuaded him to stop using condoms because she had gone on the ‘imaginary’ pill. Either way he was screwed. The OP is entitled? Really I think the entitlement of the 21 year old is breathtaking and the involvement of a baby in it is appalling.

sunshine789 · 21/04/2021 15:31

Oh dear, that like a soap drama... He loves his ex, new gf tricked him and got pregnant, his mum and family unhappy and he doesnt know what to do)))

Maybe you are not a bad man, but you've done many silly things. You wanted an advise, here you go:

Forget your ex. She is your ex, she doesnt want to be together. You have more important things to think about.
Forget your upset mum, thats not for consideration.
Go to the girl and tell her that your relations dont work (btw why?), but you will be supporting her and the baby financially. Show the financial plan, what you will be covering and how many times a week you will be looking after the baby.
Repeat to yourself every day that you should use condoms, if you cant remember - do the vasectomy.

soditall56 · 21/04/2021 15:49

@SneezyGonzalez

She has deliberately got herself pregnant on purpose while having you believe she was in the pill? What the hell did she expect would happen? How the hell did she expect you’d feel? It would never have ended well but now she’s bringing an innocent child into it. I’m sorry but if this thread is genuine then she sounds positively unhinged and definitely not mature enough to be a mother

This

Yes you should have wore a condom however She's barely built a good foundation for a relationship by lying about her contraception. She's trapped you!

I would be honest with her and be there for her as far as her pregnancy and the baby goes

soditall56 · 21/04/2021 15:53

@Jesskir89

Wow. Op yes you were wrong tricked into a pregnancy but you wrongly got with a 21 year old who won't have much relationship experience, and used her for rebound sex. This poor girl has clearly fallen for you, and whilst she is massively wrong to not tell you she's off the pill you need to man up here. If you don't see a future with her, tell her. But you need to support her and that baby fully. Both financially and by being there. That's all you can do now

He was clear with the young woman from the start. She's 21 ffs, she can make a decision weather she's ok to carry on in a relationship that isn't going to go anywhere

MN men haters at it again

soditall56 · 21/04/2021 15:55

@bugorbaby

She's 16 weeks pregnant after you've only been with her 12 weeks? 🤨

16 weeks pregnant now. Started seeing each other 12 weeks after splitting demo ex is how I read it

CutieBear · 21/04/2021 15:56

@Confusedman1234 it is very worrying that she stopped taking her contraceptive pill without telling you. That is a very controlling and emotionally manipulative move. She probably thinks that having a baby will keep you together, but she’s too immature to realise that the key to a strong relationship is trust and honesty. This relationship has neither of these.

Please tell her that you do not want to continue this relationship as there is so much dishonesty. I know a few women that did exactly what you say this woman has done.

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