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Original poster

Rebound pregnancy

166 replies

Confusedman1234 · 20/04/2021 21:45

Hi everyone I’m a male just looking for advice,I met a girl straight after my 10 year relationship ended after 5months of been together I knew I didn’t love her she was just just a company for me and I wanted to ended things then she found out she was pregnant and I’m absolutely numb and devastated!! She stopped taking her pill without me knowing around the time she questioned why i seemed to be pulling away. She is now 16 weeks pregnant because she wanted to keep it, I always wanted kids but she’s not the person I wanted them too I wanted them with my ex who I still love a lot! I feel trapped in a rebound relationship and I don’t know what to do I’m so depressed and down and I haven’t shared my feelings with her as I don’t want to stress her out whilst she’s pregnant,I’ve become so distant with her since she become pregnant and only see her once a week now after spending everyday together at the start of the relationship. I feel like I get irritated over little things she does when she’s done nothing wrong but I know I don’t want to be with her but I feel like I have to stay and try because she’s pregnant but I really want my ex back!! I’ve got myself in such a mess I just don’t know what to do!! I’m hoping I will learn to love her when the baby comes and be a family but I really can’t see it happening and she’s so happy and thinks everything is fine when it’s not! I can’t even bring myself to buy anything for the baby as I feel to numb! Will staying with her for the wrong reasons make things worse?? I was ready to end things within a week of her finding out. I will 100% support her with the baby but I just really can’t see is working out Or me actually loving her will a baby make things worse for us as a couple of things are like this now?? She knew From the start it wasn’t ever going to be a serious relationship, I can’t sleep anymore I just feel strange and not myself,she’s 21 years old and I’m 32 it was only ever fun and company and now I’m in a relationship with a girl I don’t love and now I’ve messed up the chance to get back the person I wanted

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedman1234 · 21/04/2021 09:42

No that wasn’t to you it was for a post further up who’s clearly not read my post properly thinking I meant I’ve only been with her 12 weeks and she’s 16 weeks pregnant but I said I got with her 12 weeks after my other relationship ended

OP posts:
Fatherliamdeliverance · 21/04/2021 10:13

Gotcha. I think mine was a bit of a harsh post, I know you never intended to get into this situation. I do agree with PP in that being dishonest about contraception interferes with consent given whether it's done by a male or female.

However, main point was just that the situation needs managing quickly and humanely and I think a bit of time out from dating would be really beneficial. Hope it all turns out well.

Original poster
Confusedman1234 · 21/04/2021 10:32

I know it’s just so hard because I don’t want my child to come from a broken family because I didn’t have a dad growing up but it’s al just with the wrong person and happened so quick. I know I should have used something and I was very stupid not too and I don’t want to hurt her by ending it so I am trying to make things work although I have the feelings I do now,I’m just so down and still can’t get my head around what’s happening even after 3months of knowing she’s pregnant,this is my first child I just didn’t expect to happen like this,I’ve just kept my feelings to myself all this time but thank you for your post and it was a honest one that’s why I came on this

OP posts:
Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 21/04/2021 10:51

You should have ended it immediately with her so she could have decided whether or not to keep the baby on the basis of being a single parent. She would have had plenty of time to think about her decision and a medical abortion would have been a possibility.

You've made it much harder for her by staying. I don't know anyone who has had an abortion this late (after attending scans etc.) except on the basis of foetal abnormality. It's a much harder decision to make. So she's now probably going to be a 21 year old single mum. Maybe let her know this asap so she can plan on this basis.

CaraherEIL · 21/04/2021 11:10

I think that you need to end it now I think say you will support your child but you are not going to be romantically involved. This means she will be able to make a decision about her future that doesn’t involve a long term relationship with you. I think you feel trapped because she has tried to trap you she has deliberately tricked you and that is a really low thing to do. I understand that after a 10 year relationship breakup you will have emotionally been all over the place. I do think people have flings with unsuitable partners after breakups all the time without it having to change their lives forever. I think your life will be forever changed by this child but you do not need to compound your unhappiness by staying in a relationship with someone who has deceived you, that you do not love. However for your sexual health to not use a condom needs to change, if you have been out of the dating game for a decade you need to approach new relationships with more maturity.

CaraherEIL · 21/04/2021 11:16

I also agree with Jellybabies if you had ended it immediately it would have forced her to be much more realistic about her long term situation much sooner. You are now going along with a happy families scenario that is not going to exist. Be honest now and remove yourself from the equation in a romantic sense.

Outbutnotoutout · 21/04/2021 11:17

Be honest
Tell her if she does this, she does it alone
You will pay for the baby, but not be there for it or her

Then don't rely on someone else for contraception, use condoms

CaraherEIL · 21/04/2021 11:22

The fact is that it seems as if your ex would have you back you would be gone like a shot I think, regardless of the broken home/ repeating mistakes of your growing up. That tells you everything you need to know and you will meet someone that you will feel that much for again but it is not this girl. You don’t have to sacrifice all your future happiness you need to be supportive and practical but you can do that and still have the chance to have a relationship that makes you happy.

CaraherEIL · 21/04/2021 11:26

If you delude yourself that you can be the stand up guy now then it is likely that you will destroy everything later further along the the road in a much more devastating way.

Opentooffers · 21/04/2021 11:27

You will hurt her much more in the long run by staying with her, and hurt yourself too.
It's about time you grew some balls, you sound quite immature for your years. First you run away from sorting problems with your ex, then you are trying to get out of ending what needs to be ended.
If you don't sort this properly, you are just making the same mistakes without learning from them. Time to stop burying your head in the sand. You can still be present as a father in your child's life without being entangled in a fake situationship - where again no doubt, you will end up going out with your mates to run away from it all, thus making this girl as miserable as your ex was, but also with a child to boot.

I0NA · 21/04/2021 11:28

@Outbutnotoutout

Be honest Tell her if she does this, she does it alone You will pay for the baby, but not be there for it or her

Then don't rely on someone else for contraception, use condoms

Why are you suggesting that he abandon his own child ? What a terrible thing to say!

Of course he needs to be there ( = parent ) his child AND pay for him / her ( unless he has the child half the time of course, which isn’t realistic for the first year or so).

The OP is a man in his 30s who had PIV sex without contraception. He always knew that a baby was possible - even it’s contraception it’s not 100% reliable.

He took that risk willingly - why would be punish an innocent child because his gamble didn’t work out the way he wanted it? That would make his a terrible person as well as a shit father, and I’m sure he doesn't want to be that .

DeadlyMedally · 21/04/2021 11:31

You don't have a relationship, you're not going to be able to stay with someone you do not love, or even like, by sheer force of will.
Tell her that and let her make an informed decision about whether she wants to be a single mother or not.
Tbh, it sounds like this has little to do with you. She had unprotected sex because she wanted a baby and you were silly enough not to worry about that.
You have legal and moral responsibilities to your child if she chooses to go ahead with the birth, but pretending to be in love with her is not one of those.

CaraherEIL · 21/04/2021 11:36

He did not take on the true risk willingly because she lied to him .She took a extremely low risk and over a 5 month period allowing for her age made it an almost 100% risk. If that happened in any other situation in life and you weren’t informed you would have grounds to sue.You think forcing him into an unhappy long term relationship with someone who deliberately tricked him will avoid the child suffering the consequences of its mothers deceit. That’s not true so many children suffer terribly by growing up in unhappy marriages.

littleredberries · 21/04/2021 11:50

If I was a man in your situation here's what I'd do.

End it. Offer her financial support but sign over your parental rights. It's her decision whether she keeps it as it does sound like she wanted to trap you.

Tell your ex what has happened after that is done. Then move on with your life with or without your ex and potentially without your child. The child deserves a father who will not feel numb to it. Hopefully your rebound will find that for them.

This is genuinely what I would do.

Wanderlusto · 21/04/2021 12:06

I have zero sympathy for you. You should ALWAYS wear a condom with everyone unless you are actively trying for a baby.

'I thought she was on the pill' is a bs excuse. It is your own job to make sure you take steps to prevent getting women pregnant. If you dont have condoms in future, keep it in your pants.

Outbutnotoutout · 21/04/2021 12:13

@littleredberries

If I was a man in your situation here's what I'd do.

End it. Offer her financial support but sign over your parental rights. It's her decision whether she keeps it as it does sound like she wanted to trap you.

Tell your ex what has happened after that is done. Then move on with your life with or without your ex and potentially without your child. The child deserves a father who will not feel numb to it. Hopefully your rebound will find that for them.

This is genuinely what I would do.

I agree
CaraherEIL · 21/04/2021 12:25

Wanderlusto. Zero sympathy seems harsh, if a man told you he had used a condom when you had sex and you found out he out that he lied, would you not feel betrayed and deceived and if you ended up pregnant as a result of that encounter you really wouldn’t expect anyone to sympathize with you. I understand a condom is much more obvious and visible than knowing for a fact someone has taken a pill but the principle is the same. Have you been on constant contraception your whole life to take responsibility for yourself or have you ever relied on a man using a condom and assumed pregnancy was unlikely.

CharlotteRose90 · 21/04/2021 12:45

You don’t need to be in a relationship with her but you do need to support this child. I also agree with littleredberries end it and walk away. You don’t want this woman and it sounds like you don’t want a family with her. Pay for whatever support your child needs. Who knows if she tried to trap you but you should be using protection Aswell. As a kid from a broken family believe me not all families are happy families and my family were better off without my shit dad pretending to be a family man.

Twirl96 · 21/04/2021 12:46

Oh dear. What’s done is done but I would be honest with her ASAP. I would also want proof this baby is yours.

CaraherEIL · 21/04/2021 12:51

Op I just realised from your earlier posts that the 21 year old girl has already had a couple of pregnancies that you have since found out about- has she had two previous terminations or did they end in miscarriage? To have had 3 pregnancies by the age of 21 does imply a little that she has stopped the contraception not because she’s really fallen in love with you and is scared of losing you but because she has been determined to have a baby with anyone not necessarily you. You are just the mug she tricked.

bunglebee · 21/04/2021 12:56

Well. Boy are you about to get an expensive, painful lesson in why you don't fuck someone you're casual with without a condom, especially someone you don't even like very much. You're largely the architect of your own suffering here. Yes, she lied to you, but the outcome would be the same if she'd just had a pill failure, which is not uncommon.

I agree with everybody else: break up with her now, today. It isn't going to work out, and being straight with her now will do far less harm than stringing her along. Give it as much time as possible before the birth for the dust to settle and for you to establish as constructive a co-parenting relationship as possible.

Then, get ready to be a dad. To pay for your DC and to take a part in raising them. It's too late with your ex. But you will meet other women, although now you have to think about your DC in any future decision you make.

HowWeAre · 21/04/2021 12:58

@Confusedman1234

I have a very good career and my mum and the rest of my family aren’t happy about it they’ve actually spoke about it to both of us that it’s right soon and isn’t a steady relationship but she didn’t seem fazed about what they said
You’re 32 years old, why are you getting your Mum involved? If I was pregnant to a man eleven years older than me and his Mum sat me down and said she wasn’t happy about it I would laugh in her face.

You sound incredibly immature. End the relationship and be the the best Dad you can be. No contraception is 100% so you should have wore a condom as well if you knew she was a rebound. You made your bed, lie in it.

Wanderlusto · 21/04/2021 12:59

@CaraherEIL

Wanderlusto. Zero sympathy seems harsh, if a man told you he had used a condom when you had sex and you found out he out that he lied, would you not feel betrayed and deceived and if you ended up pregnant as a result of that encounter you really wouldn’t expect anyone to sympathize with you. I understand a condom is much more obvious and visible than knowing for a fact someone has taken a pill but the principle is the same. Have you been on constant contraception your whole life to take responsibility for yourself or have you ever relied on a man using a condom and assumed pregnancy was unlikely.
Being on the pill your whole life is not the same as using a condom in the moment. The former is altering the womans hormones the whole time it is taken... the later, just means potentially a little less pleasure for the man in the moment.

I personally dont have sex unless I'm on the pill AND he is wearing a condom.

But I believe both partners have to take responsibility against pregnancy. So the fact that she decided apparently, stop the pill, really shouldn't be here nor there. Because he should have been protecting himself.

Not to say things cant still fail of course. But I just don't have time for people who dont protect themself and then whine about it being the other persons fault. Be they man or woman.

HowWeAre · 21/04/2021 13:04

Also has she admitted she stopped taking the pill? Or are you presuming she did because of the timing of the pregnancy?

CaraherEIL · 21/04/2021 13:09

Bunglebee By your definition no one should ever have casual sex even if they use a condom . If he had used a condom and it had split and she lied and said she had taken the morning after pill and she then got pregnant the problem would have been caused by failed contraception but the pregnancy would have continued due to one party out and out lying. The main problem here is someone trying to convince you they are actively trying to avoid pregnancy when they are actively trying to pursue it. Her two previous failed pregnancies plus now this third one would suggest she has form for doing this.