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Original poster

Rebound pregnancy

166 replies

Confusedman1234 · 20/04/2021 21:45

Hi everyone I’m a male just looking for advice,I met a girl straight after my 10 year relationship ended after 5months of been together I knew I didn’t love her she was just just a company for me and I wanted to ended things then she found out she was pregnant and I’m absolutely numb and devastated!! She stopped taking her pill without me knowing around the time she questioned why i seemed to be pulling away. She is now 16 weeks pregnant because she wanted to keep it, I always wanted kids but she’s not the person I wanted them too I wanted them with my ex who I still love a lot! I feel trapped in a rebound relationship and I don’t know what to do I’m so depressed and down and I haven’t shared my feelings with her as I don’t want to stress her out whilst she’s pregnant,I’ve become so distant with her since she become pregnant and only see her once a week now after spending everyday together at the start of the relationship. I feel like I get irritated over little things she does when she’s done nothing wrong but I know I don’t want to be with her but I feel like I have to stay and try because she’s pregnant but I really want my ex back!! I’ve got myself in such a mess I just don’t know what to do!! I’m hoping I will learn to love her when the baby comes and be a family but I really can’t see it happening and she’s so happy and thinks everything is fine when it’s not! I can’t even bring myself to buy anything for the baby as I feel to numb! Will staying with her for the wrong reasons make things worse?? I was ready to end things within a week of her finding out. I will 100% support her with the baby but I just really can’t see is working out Or me actually loving her will a baby make things worse for us as a couple of things are like this now?? She knew From the start it wasn’t ever going to be a serious relationship, I can’t sleep anymore I just feel strange and not myself,she’s 21 years old and I’m 32 it was only ever fun and company and now I’m in a relationship with a girl I don’t love and now I’ve messed up the chance to get back the person I wanted

OP posts:
soditall56 · 21/04/2021 15:58

@NeilBuchananisBanksy

Harsh responses here op. If a man tampered with a condom it would be classed as rape. I think it should be the same the other way around. She certainly tricked you. Despicable behaviour.

Tell her there is no relationship. But be the best dad you can be- baby us the innocent party in all this.

Finally someone talking sense
Pompom2367 · 21/04/2021 16:16

Op if your not happy you need to end it and trying and be civil for the baby

CaraherEIL · 21/04/2021 16:45

According to the OP this is the girl’s third pregnancy so she is not as wide eyed as people are suggesting.

needsahouseboy · 21/04/2021 16:58

Please end this relationship, you can still be a good dad to the baby. It will be a world of heartache for both of you and far worse to stay in a relationship with her.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 21/04/2021 17:04

While her coming off the pill without your knowledge is unacceptable, you come across here as someone who has had sex with a very young woman with little or no life experience compared to you. Not great. Let her down gently, pay your maintenance, try to be a good father. Wear condoms every time in future and try to meet women more on your wave length - 11 years is nothing at 32 and 43, say, but 21 is very young and naive.

Joinedjustforthispost · 21/04/2021 17:17

Start taking responsibility in future relationships and use a condom even if the woman is on the pill accidents happen! I’m so sick of men saying she trapped me she was on the pill blah blah, how about man up and take some responsibility that having sex may result in baby’s and it shouldn’t always be up to the woman.

choli · 21/04/2021 17:19

you come across here as someone who has had sex with a very young woman with little or no life experience compared to you
She certainly has plenty of experience of getting pregnant.

CutieBear · 21/04/2021 17:23

@Nowhereelsetogo90

While her coming off the pill without your knowledge is unacceptable, you come across here as someone who has had sex with a very young woman with little or no life experience compared to you. Not great. Let her down gently, pay your maintenance, try to be a good father. Wear condoms every time in future and try to meet women more on your wave length - 11 years is nothing at 32 and 43, say, but 21 is very young and naive.
She’s been pregnant a few times. She intentionally wanted to get pregnant without asking OP for his consent as she stopped taking the pill. She’s not as naive and innocent as you think.
CutieBear · 21/04/2021 17:25

@Joinedjustforthispost

Start taking responsibility in future relationships and use a condom even if the woman is on the pill accidents happen! I’m so sick of men saying she trapped me she was on the pill blah blah, how about man up and take some responsibility that having sex may result in baby’s and it shouldn’t always be up to the woman.
She didn’t have consensual sex as she lied that she was on the pill. She intentionally wanted to get pregnant without OP’s consent. I bet your opinion would change if the man tampered with a condom?
CaraherEIL · 21/04/2021 17:30

Let her down gently, she seems like a very savvy schemer who has tried to do this twice before. The fact that the OP has a good career and is financially much more sorted than most 20 years olds has probably added to his attraction in her eyes. She should be ashamed of herself.

CaraherEIL · 21/04/2021 17:33

Sorry the let her down gently meant with an eye roll was in response to Nowheres suggestion.

ShagMeRiggins · 21/04/2021 17:50

@Confusedman1234

Because she was on the pill and stopped taking it without me knowing! I know I should have used protection but I didn’t think as she was the pill well so I thought she was
I haven’t read the thread, and I’m sure it’s been mentioned, but if you don’t want a possible pregnancy, sort your own birth control. Condoms, snip, abstinence, whatever. You’re in charge of your procreation.
MazekeenSmith · 21/04/2021 17:54

@Confusedman1234

From what I know now she’s been pregnant a couple of times maybe she did plan this but I’m partly to blame myself for not using my own protection
Yes I'm afraid you are Any man who relies on his girlfriend for contraception a few months into a relationship is an utter idiot. Sorry. You barely know her yet you were happy to hand her 100% responsibility to ensure she didn't have your baby? Now grasp the mettle, break up with her and be the best father you can be.
MazekeenSmith · 21/04/2021 17:57

@Confusedman1234

I know it’s just so hard because I don’t want my child to come from a broken family because I didn’t have a dad growing up but it’s al just with the wrong person and happened so quick. I know I should have used something and I was very stupid not too and I don’t want to hurt her by ending it so I am trying to make things work although I have the feelings I do now,I’m just so down and still can’t get my head around what’s happening even after 3months of knowing she’s pregnant,this is my first child I just didn’t expect to happen like this,I’ve just kept my feelings to myself all this time but thank you for your post and it was a honest one that’s why I came on this
You can't force a relationship where none exists. You don't love her or trust her. Be the dad, have regular contact, pay maintenance and accept that this has happened and you need to make the best of it. That does not mean having a sham relationship with her which will definitely break down in a much worse way at some point after the baby is born.
Amelia2021 · 21/04/2021 18:06

It's not only the woman's responsibility to take or not take a pill. You are just as responsible. If you don't wrap it then it's your own fault.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 21/04/2021 18:18

@Amelia2021

It's not only the woman's responsibility to take or not take a pill. You are just as responsible. If you don't wrap it then it's your own fault.
If the only contraception was a conform and a man tampered with it it's seen as rape. And none would be victim blaming and saying the woman should have been taking the pill.

It cuts both ways. She tricked him which is abhorrent behaviour.

I'm fed up of double standards on here.

jezziej · 21/04/2021 18:27

I haven’t read the thread, and I’m sure it’s been mentioned, but if you don’t want a possible pregnancy, sort your own birth control. Condoms, snip, abstinence, whatever. You’re in charge of your procreation.

So same with taking a control off then? A big reason people get on BC is to not have to use condoms.

Also pills are at least as effective as condoms, so it's no different to a woman with no contraception + man with Condom.

MsDogLady · 21/04/2021 19:01

I don’t want my child to come from a broken family because I didn’t have a dad growing up...

Confusedman, your current situation is entirely different. Unlike your father, you are committed to this child and will be an involved parent if you and she are not ‘together.’ You actually run the risk of damaging your child by moving forward with this false and dishonest relationship.

Original poster
Confusedman1234 · 21/04/2021 19:09

She had 2 miscarriages I only found this out a couple of weeks ago

OP posts:
TedMullins · 21/04/2021 19:17

Well, you sound like a massive twat. Stop being so passive. She just ‘kept coming round after work’, did she? More like you allowed it to happen because you got sex. You should’ve firmly dumped her as soon as it became apparent that she liked you far more than you did her. The pill even when taken correctly can fail. If you don’t want to father a child, wear a condom. Stop using women to sooth your heartbreak and work on yourself, you actively looked for someone to distract you from your ex which is exploitative.

Dump her, support the child, buy some condoms and grow up.

MazekeenSmith · 21/04/2021 19:18

If the only contraception was a conform and a man tampered with it it's seen as rape. And none would be victim blaming and saying the woman should have been taking the pill.

It cuts both ways. She tricked him which is abhorrent behaviour.

I'm fed up of double standards on here

Yeah, but it wouldn't be the same consequence for a woman if a man did it to her as it is this way round. Nobody here has said it's ok that she did this, far from it, but men need to take responsibility for their own spunk.

TedMullins · 21/04/2021 19:19

And yes, of course it’s wrong that she stopped taking the pill without your knowledge, that’s incredibly manipulative, dishonest and underhand. But OP sounds very keen to avoid any kind of responsibility in how the whole situation came around.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 21/04/2021 19:31

21 isn’t much more than a child, she’s potentially
only 3 years out of school FFS. And yes, what she’s done is out of order and she clearly needs some help because it isn’t normal behaviour, but she is a very young woman. The fact she would do something like this (and potentially has had two previous pregnancies...something that was only dropped in after the OP started getting a hard time...) is a massive red flag re. The state of her own mental well-being. I’m sure it’s not been improved by a grown man taking advantage for rebound sex and now stringing her along when she thinks she’s going to have a family. The brain isn’t fully developed until the age of roughly 25...

CaraherEIL · 21/04/2021 19:44

Women have been trapping men by getting pregnant for generations it isn’t anything new and it certainly isn’t confined to women in their early twenties. OP did your girlfriend tell you about the miscarriages to explain her desire to go ahead with this pregnancy- were they accidental pregnancies or planned? Has she explained why she stopped taking the pill without telling you? It seems hard to imagine that you have carried on in this relationship for another 4 months knowing about the pregnancy without her having to explain her behaviour.

MrMeSeeks · 21/04/2021 19:51

I Feel for you.
Absolutely despicable woman doing this.
Sorry but age has nothing to do with it.
At 21 i certainly used protection and knew lying about being on the pill to be wrong Hmm

Agree if it was a bloke lying about using a condom it would be completely different Hmm

Worrying at 21 she’s already had multiple pregnancies, i don’t think you’re the ‘right one’ just ‘right now’.
You’ve been had.
End it.