Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Affairs & cheating

133 replies

finish121 · 20/04/2021 19:40

Hi.

I have a question for you all, would appreciate honest responses.

Why would a single woman enter into an affair with a man whom she knows is married from the outset?

Would you feel sorry for the single woman if she was dumped following the discovery of the affair?

Thanks

OP posts:
kickergoes · 20/04/2021 19:46

There is only one question to ask here, and it's not that one. Why did a married man have an affair whilst he was married?

Sideorderofchips · 20/04/2021 19:54

Didn't you post this before in a different style?

I will say again what I said there. I think women who have affairs with married men knowing they are married are scum who have no self respect.

arethereanyleftatall · 20/04/2021 19:57

Q1) because she's not a nice person
Q2) no

mylovelydd · 20/04/2021 19:58

I will say again what I said there. I think women who have affairs with married men knowing they are married are scum who have no self respect.

This.

And it goes without saying that married men who have affairs are scum.

DisgruntledPelican · 20/04/2021 19:59

Attention, poor self-esteem, no desire for a standard relationship, infatuation.

I wouldn’t feel sorry for them, no.

Kat6901 · 20/04/2021 20:18

Shit boundaries. No self esteem. Selfish and self centred with little empathy. I could go on.

ItsNotLoveActually · 20/04/2021 20:18

I'd feel sorry for the wife who took him back. Who knows what lies he told the OW or how vulnerable, gullible, naive she was. Yes, she could be an utter bitch who loves to break up marriages and walk away unscathed. The married man broke vows, she didn't.

MrsMaizel · 20/04/2021 20:21

Maybe she likes him and is hoping he will leave his wife for her ? It happens all the time . Maybe he is saying he will leave his wife or is planning to .

Sorry ? No - it's a dangerous game.

Sideorderofchips · 20/04/2021 20:21

And even if their relationship with the married man lasts they are deluded if they think they are special.

PicsInRed · 20/04/2021 20:22

From what I've seen/the ones I've spoken to, it's low self esteem with some degree of narcissism and often a lack of critical thinking.

Vodkacarbsandtobacco · 20/04/2021 20:54

I've never known an attractive, successful woman have sex knowing the man was married. It's always insecure, desperate, overweight, unfortunate looking women who do that. Sorry that's a bit brutal but it's my honest opinion (and no, it's never happened to me)

chickenninja · 20/04/2021 20:55

Maybe she thinks she is so special and so much better than the wife that he will leave the marriage for her.

She probably believes the old 'we sleep in separate beds,' 'we're only together for the children' and all the other lies.

Snowallspring · 20/04/2021 20:57

@arethereanyleftatall

Q1) because she's not a nice person
Q2) no

Not sure that needs anything else added really.

Why? Do you want to Talk About Hiiiiiiiim?

Vodkacarbsandtobacco · 20/04/2021 20:58

I would like to add exactly what @chickenninja said x

litterbird · 20/04/2021 21:02

I wouldn't feel sorry for her as she knew what she was getting into. She may have only wanted affairs with married men, some women just date married men. However, the married man will more than likely go back to the affair when he thinks the dust has settled in his marriage, or leave the wife when he misses the OW, then I would feel sorry for her as she is now taking on a cheat and liar!

tropicalwaterdiver · 20/04/2021 21:43

@Vodkacarbsandtobacco

I've never known an attractive, successful woman have sex knowing the man was married. It's always insecure, desperate, overweight, unfortunate looking women who do that. Sorry that's a bit brutal but it's my honest opinion (and no, it's never happened to me)
Katharine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy; Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt; Elizabeth Taylor and Eddie Fisher... just to give some examples...
kickergoes · 20/04/2021 21:47

Lily James, what a heffer!

tropicalwaterdiver · 20/04/2021 21:54

In case of serial cheaters I don't think a woman is a problem. Look at our PM.

category12 · 20/04/2021 21:56

Why would a single woman enter into an affair with a man whom she knows is married from the outset?
Sometimes it suits her for one reason or another. Maybe she's not looking for a committed relationship and someone who is married is "safe" for just fun in her view. I don't think all OW always want their affair partners to leave their spouses. Reasons will vary from person to person.

Would you feel sorry for the single woman if she was dumped following the discovery of the affair?
Not particularly. She knew the risks. But if she were my friend, I'd console her.

blackbettybramblejam · 20/04/2021 21:58

Rock bottom self esteem is to answer for most of the pain in the world.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/04/2021 22:04

She probably believes the old 'we sleep in separate beds,' 'we're only together for the children' and all the other lies.

This is always trotted out on here. It neglects to consider the large number of women on MN who post when their DH gets caught cheating who say they hadn’t had sex for ages but they thought he either didn’t mind or they assumed intimacy would come back once they’d stopped focussing on the children.

Saying you’d rather have a cuppa and a biscuit than shag your husband seems to be a badge of honour.

Absolutely loads of married couples aren’t having sex. And lots more are in fact staying together for the kids because it means not having to face how life will change in the event of a split.

Back to the OP, why are you posting this again and why don’t you just say whatever you want to say instead of being vague?

PegasusReturns · 20/04/2021 22:14

Oh come on loads of gorgeous women sleep with married men, although I appreciate that doesn’t suit the narrative Hmm

MarshmallowAra · 20/04/2021 22:35

Ime the married man usually presents himself to the single woman in a way that makes him technically married but actually single - the usual.ways are;

Together for kids, too.kids are older
Together for financial reasons
Together because she has MH problems/is vulnerable (often with implication not stable parent)
Together because parents, family etc would go mad, disinherit, whatever
Together until ABC timeline.
Like housemates, spark gone, biding time etc etc.

There is nearly always a narrative that makes him only technically married a d also makes him a good guy for not leaving her yet (would upset/destabilise kids, would destabilise her etc). Of course if he was a real good guy he wouldn't be sniffing around and getting involved with another woman while he's being such a "martyer" - he'd keep himself to himself til they split but ...

The narrative, alongside the fact that many women project their female motivations into cheating men (wouldn't be cheating if not unhappy and uncommitted) is what usually draws the single woman in.

One drawn in and engaged emotionally; the pick me dance/competition and her self esteem getting tangled up in why this man won't choose her completely and leave this woman for her, means they can get quite invested, addicted even .. to trying to "win".

If they're dumped, they are often very angry and very upset. Naturally - be wise they've most often been deceived, manipulated and future faked.

FriedTomatoe · 20/04/2021 22:40

The year following my divorce, every man that I attracted was married. This was 4 men in the space of 7 months. The "reasons" they gave me for wanting to get involved with another woman wasn't just the usual narrative that of sleeping in separate beds. One suggested meeting for "coffee" without his wife present, one professed undying love, the one after that told me he was separated (turned out he was still living with his wife), the last was unfortunate because I met him online and didn't find out he was married until 6 months into the relationship. My point is that men will say whatever it takes to get a single woman into bed. It's not always the woman's fault and men are bastards.

Whether I would feel sympathy for a woman who gets dumped depends entirely on her attitude towards the relationship. If she realised what she did was wrong, was prepared to do the right thing and left him alone I would have sympathy. Break-ups are hard as it is and as a woman I think it's really important to try and understand rather than judge.

TheWashingMachine · 20/04/2021 22:41

It isn't her problem, she is not the one who made the commitment by getting married. She is a free agent.

Swipe left for the next trending thread