Affairs & cheating

[finish121]

Hi.

I have a question for you all, would appreciate honest responses.

Why would a single woman enter into an affair with a man whom she knows is married from the outset?

Would you feel sorry for the single woman if she was dumped following the discovery of the affair?

Thanks

@Vodkacarbsandtobacco

I've never known an attractive, successful woman have sex knowing the man was married. It's always insecure, desperate, overweight, unfortunate looking women who do that. Sorry that's a bit brutal but it's my honest opinion (and no, it's never happened to me)

I do! Several in fact.

None of them gave a shit about anyone else, in all ways.

Op I personally thank you for posting this question. We need to get the message out there. WHY DO WOMEN GO FOR UNAVAILABLE MEN?
The truth is we live in the end days where no family is safe or secure in there relationships. I'm a Christian and I can't except adultery. I know it exists and can't be stoped unless us mothers are there for each other. I've seen to many children in the environment of deceit. Its cruel 😢 I think that the government should do more.ie a cheat detective channel where we can call cheaters out. I do not know one family that hasn't been affected by a cheater. Also only because the so called women is single doesn't give her the right to get emotional with a married man. He was not a single agent. My dd has recently told a wife that her husband was talking about wanting sex with her. My dd wouldn't have gone there she isn't that dirty. Still single beautiful and waiting. Only us women can stop this by exposing the cheats. Men and women cheats. Your friend is so far from innocent its not good.

Maybe she didn't know he was married.

Let's face it if he is lying to his wife, he's lying to her as well. Lockdown has made it easier for married men to find reason why you can't go round to theirs.

Low self esteem I think. They don’t feel worthy of a truly loving relationship so just put up with a half arsed secretive one. Either that or they just get off on being devious and deceptive.

I did sleep with a man who was in a relationship once but I had no idea he was in a relationship and never would have had I known. She text me the day after I slept with him asking whether I knew he had a girlfriend after seeing texts from me on his phone. He’d got home late because we’d been together so she became suspicious and searched through his phone. I felt pretty shitty about it, I’d been deceived ultimately and I felt bad for her. She stayed with him and had a baby with him in the end, no idea why- we met on a dating site so I probably wasn’t the only one. Ultimately the married party is the worst in the situation.

@Tomyoneandonly

Op I personally thank you for posting this question. We need to get the message out there. WHY DO WOMEN GO FOR UNAVAILABLE MEN? The truth is we live in the end days where no family is safe or secure in there relationships. I'm a Christian and I can't except adultery. I know it exists and can't be stoped unless us mothers are there for each other. I've seen to many children in the environment of deceit. Its cruel 😢 I think that the government should do more.ie a cheat detective channel where we can call cheaters out. I do not know one family that hasn't been affected by a cheater. Also only because the so called women is single doesn't give her the right to get emotional with a married man. He was not a single agent. My dd has recently told a wife that her husband was talking about wanting sex with her. My dd wouldn't have gone there she isn't that dirty. Still single beautiful and waiting. Only us women can stop this by exposing the cheats. Men and women cheats. Your friend is so far from innocent its not good.

How about WHY DO MARRIED MEN FUCK ABOUT ?

My own opinion is that as a woman with very low self esteem , little romantic options , very little to offer but a free and available body and mind to a man( said
Lightly) who at that time craves a free body and mind who can divert their total Attention into that mans physical person and ego , I think it's easy to
Understand . Desperation and proof that she is still a woman who has something to offer .
Someone whose opinion i value( psychologist but best friend ) once said that 'they' (' man)) always trades down , and from thinking about every single and solitary woman who engages with a married man, she has been absolutely and utterly correct. The men
Always trade down .

@firestarterisntstarting - do you mean that the blokes play around with someone inferior to their wives?

@firestarterisntstarting

I find your post quite interesting and have been mulling it over for sometime.
What does trading down mean exactly, the OW is less smart, out of shape, insecure etc etc and will never ‘measure up’ to the wife’s ‘calibre’? Or is this just another way of labelling any woman who has an affair with a married man. It smacks of bitterness to me. I’m not condoning the behaviour of single woman who actively target married men but it’s the man who is married who is at fault for breaking his vows.

Also who defines ‘trading down’, people in general or the wife and her friends?

I understand the concept of course, but that’s similar to calling women on here whores I’m humble opinion.

In my case, to apply a real life scenario, I feel my ex traded down to use the term loosely in the sense I feel I was far too good for him (compulsive liar, abusive etc) but he and the OW seem to genuinely love each other and are a better fit so he is on a level with OW which is great for them. Our relationship should never have happened in the first place so it was a blessing in disguise although I was pretty devastated at the time. I hold no grudges against her in the slightest, I can’t stand my ex, but have no emotion towards her other than rolling my eyes when her name comes up.

In the case of discovering my (unknowingly) OM had lied about his marriage I don’t feel he traded down with me either, as firstly I’m not at all insecure and in fact I judge him as controlling and toxic because of his insecurities and guilt at what a shit he’s been. I thought we were in love and had no shortage of suitors but didn’t feel the same connection to them.

Please do correct me if you feel I’m wrong.

@sandra15 hah, I spent ages on my post and you got it in one sentence

@Happinessevaded
What I mean is that any woman I know who has actively pursued a Relationship with a married man , in the full knowledge that he is actively married , is morally bankrupt. Her values and principles do not align with women who believe in marriage and their vows .
In my case , I have no ill feeling towards my husbands affair partner. I hold him entirely responsible for his affair. His commitment was to me and us as a family .
I do not know her .I don't care . She is not the issue however in my opinion, by virtue of the fact that she actively pursued him in the full knowledge that he was married in every sense of the word, for many months , her morals and values do not subscribe to those of women that I know who believe in marriage and the vows that they took.
She also refuses to meet our children until they buy a home together and we are divorced . This tells me everything I need to know about her .
According to my children she is highly educated, has an excellent job and is wealthy. Physically she is pretty, with long dark hair and morbidly obese , they say.
Her education, wealth, job and physical appearance have no bearing on her as a person.

Doesn’t really answer the question though

In one line trading down to me means that the married men in my experience and that of my friend , in her professional capacity choose women whose morals, values and principles are lower or lesser in comparison to women who believe in and take marriage vows seriously .

Very insightful post from @Phoenix121

Men have affairs whether they are having sex or not. Whether they genuinely are staying for the children or not. Cheating on a partner always shows a lack of integrity and a sense of entitlement, whatever 'reasons' they might give.

Women who have affairs with them usually believe these men love them more than they love their official partner. They don't recognise that they will be the next victim of this man's entitlement and lack of moral compass.

A woman who loved herself wouldn't do this - she would recognise that a man who will lie to a partner is a man who will lie to anyone. A man who will cheat with her, will cheat on her. A woman who loves herself isn't so desperate for validation that she is willing to accept it from that sort of person. She is not willing to survive on another woman's left-overs

But when you become a mistress, it's your own choice. The wife.partner doesn't have that choice. So no, I wouldn't feel sorry for her, although I would sympathise.

@firestarterisntstarting

In one line trading down to me means that the married men in my experience and that of my friend , in her professional capacity choose women whose morals, values and principles are lower or lesser in comparison to women who believe in and take marriage vows seriously .

Yes I get that. I've got an aunt, though, who is early 60s and her husband left her 26 years ago. He had met someone else, but he had been unhappy and thinking of leaving for quite some time before that and would have left anyway. The other woman was the catalyst, and my aunt has never been able to forgive them. She still pines for him and blames the birth of my cousin for driving my uncle away (he was always tired when he came home from work). I think she uses this to deflect from her own contribution to the marriage breakdown. She did suggest Relate apparently but he wasn't interested. He left her the house mortgage-free so she was set up for life and has never had to work.

The second wife is lovely, they have been married longer than he was married to my aunt and they are far more suited. As far as I am aware she was no tart or slapper and he wasn't a philanderer.

Though they are the exception, I guess. This is just another viewpoint, not meant to justify or upset anyone who's been cheated on or anything like that.

I think the concept of an OW as trading down , uglier etc is just one that is adopted to make a wife feel better about the situation . I have been in those awkward group conversations where people are reassuring the wife that the OW is a hag etc when she clearly on the surface is a very attractive woman . I would hazard a guess that in most cases where cheating has gone on, there is on reflection in time the recognition that both H and W played a part in the marriage break up . An affair is often the symptom of a bad marriage .

@MrsMaizel

I think the concept of an OW as trading down , uglier etc is just one that is adopted to make a wife feel better about the situation . I have been in those awkward group conversations where people are reassuring the wife that the OW is a hag etc when she clearly on the surface is a very attractive woman . I would hazard a guess that in most cases where cheating has gone on, there is on reflection in time the recognition that both H and W played a part in the marriage break up . An affair is often the symptom of a bad marriage .

Couldn't agree with this more, on both points.

When things go wrong in a marriage, the majority of times, both parties have contributed to that in some way.

I see it on so many threads on here that 'OW' are apparently always fatter and uglier, they're insecure and full of self-loathing...it's a ridiculous notion and one put out to make the hurt partner feel better. Of course, they're not all complete munters, and it doesn't always mean that they hate themselves either.

Actually my friend chucked her husband out in 2019 after finding he had been on dating sites and sending pictures of his bits and pieces to other women. She divorced him and he is now living with another woman, and she truly is, for want of a better word, a minger compared to my friend. She looks like Bella Emberg. I know this goes against #BeKind, but it's true. She could have the best personality in the world, though, who knows?

But that's one person. That doesn't mean that all OW are mingers. And maybe shock just maybe, it's not ALL about looks? God forbid, someone might like someone or find someone attractive for a different reason.

@CornishGem1975

But that's one person. That doesn't mean that all OW are mingers. And maybe shock just maybe, it's not ALL about looks? God forbid, someone might like someone or find someone attractive for a different reason.

Yes, that is true. I did not suggest all other women are mingers, and another post I made further up the thread makes that clear.

As for my friend, he seems happy enough, and my friend is happier without him waving his willy on a webcam to other women, so winners all round.

@Sandra15
As for my friend, he seems happy enough, and my friend is happier without him waving his willy on a webcam to other women, so winners all round.

Whatever other generalisations people make, and clearly some of them are over-generalisations, there is one thing that is ALWAYS true. And that is that any person, male or female, is better off without a lying, sleazy, cheating wanker in their lives.

My husband traded down in at least one sense. Never met her, don’t know what she looks like, have no interest in her, know she was a lot younger and most probably more attractive than me. But he traded down in at least one sense in my opinion as even if she looks like Claudia Schiffer, she has questionable morals in knowingly sleeping with a married man with kids and I don’t.
His fault and blame entirely for the whole thing, and I’m certainly not perfect, but whatever I may be, at least I’m not that.

I think for lots of men in boils down to ego, and that's where the trading down element comes in. In our twenties, women (huge generalisation here) are falling at men's feet in their keenness to get married and have kids. This appeals to men's egos. As the scales fall off women's eyes as they get older, they are less fawning of their husbands. Husbands ego is no longer stroked. Off they pop to find a simpler version who will simper again and make them feel superior. Ie by choosing an inferior one. (Disclaimer - not always).

@arethereanyleftatall

I think for lots of men in boils down to ego, and that's where the trading down element comes in. In our twenties, women (huge generalisation here) are falling at men's feet in their keenness to get married and have kids. This appeals to men's egos. As the scales fall off women's eyes as they get older, they are less fawning of their husbands. Husbands ego is no longer stroked. Off they pop to find a simpler version who will simper again and make them feel superior. Ie by choosing an inferior one. (Disclaimer - not always).

This goes both ways of course but of course for the most part it is men who seem to be the cheats . Too many women get obsessed with their children to the detriment of their marriage or their relationship as a couple. Both partners meed to be aware of the stress and strains that children bring to a marriage and work on this . So many women think an affair is about sex - it's not really , it's the feeling of being wanted or interesting .