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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Affairs & cheating

133 replies

finish121 · 20/04/2021 19:40

Hi.

I have a question for you all, would appreciate honest responses.

Why would a single woman enter into an affair with a man whom she knows is married from the outset?

Would you feel sorry for the single woman if she was dumped following the discovery of the affair?

Thanks

OP posts:
MarshmallowAra · 20/04/2021 22:42

Going slightly further into women projecting more typically female motivations into men and in doing so deluding themselves ... I think I saw it said that the vast vast majority of women wont cheat on their partner with a man they don't perceive to be higher status than him - in some way, could even just be that they feel he wouldn't commit to them .. and many won't cheat if "happy"; women think that applies to men (they must hold them in higher esteem than his partner, he must not be happy/satisfied with his partner, he just have (strong) feelings) etc. But they're deluded because lots of men are not like women - from an evolutionary standpoint, sexually, emotionally, motivation wise etc.

Onthedunes · 20/04/2021 22:43

Because they don't have the intellegence or capability of understanding that they are creating and causing pain to another human being.

Essentially a lower species.

MarshmallowAra · 20/04/2021 22:45

Would you feel sorry for the single woman if she was dumped following the discovery of the affair?

Yes, they've usually been groomed and fed a pile of shit. They've usually gotten emotionally invested. They're often younger compared to the man (and his partner) and he takes advantage of that too.

The only person not being lied to in a cheating man scenario is the man himself.

MarshmallowAra · 20/04/2021 22:47

Ime they're also often vulnerable for one reason or another at the point too .. cheating men are often like sharks scenting a drop of blood in the water in that respect.

Guavafish · 20/04/2021 22:59

Why would a married man disrespect this wife and marriage to have an affair?

Onthedunes · 20/04/2021 23:06

@MarshmallowAra

I think personally that's a cop out.

It is the responsibility of both the male and female to not hurt others.
Not all women are vunerable by any means, maybe some guenuinly don't know the man is married but still, in this day and age of social media, it takes you about 2 minutes to figure out someones marital status.

You say men are predators, this is true, but equally in society we are brought up in famalies where it is usually taught that women should not have affairs with married men. These women are not brought up in a box, many daughters are taught not to do this.
Many women, whatever age who knowingly do have affairs would hate for it to happen to their own mothers or grandmothers.

GentlemanJay · 20/04/2021 23:07

@AnneLovesGilbert

She probably believes the old 'we sleep in separate beds,' 'we're only together for the children' and all the other lies.

This is always trotted out on here. It neglects to consider the large number of women on MN who post when their DH gets caught cheating who say they hadn’t had sex for ages but they thought he either didn’t mind or they assumed intimacy would come back once they’d stopped focussing on the children.

Saying you’d rather have a cuppa and a biscuit than shag your husband seems to be a badge of honour.

Absolutely loads of married couples aren’t having sex. And lots more are in fact staying together for the kids because it means not having to face how life will change in the event of a split.

Back to the OP, why are you posting this again and why don’t you just say whatever you want to say instead of being vague?

I like this. It's very bold. There is some truth in there.
Tomyoneandonly · 20/04/2021 23:08

As you said she knows he was unavailable. There would be no sympathy I wouldn't choose to have friends like that tbh. The thought of any mother suffering a cheating husband is evil.

Vodkacarbsandtobacco · 20/04/2021 23:34

Fair enough I've been proved wrong, I genuinely don't know the answer now Blush I suppose all different types of women (and men) would cheat, it probably depends on the circumstances

Vodkacarbsandtobacco · 20/04/2021 23:38

I hate to admit that I probably said that bitchy comment because if I got cheated on i would feel better if she was fat and ugly Blush

RiojaRose · 20/04/2021 23:58

I’m not sure people always want the OW to be fat and ugly. Sometimes that feels worse (my friend’s experience, not mine).

I do think married men lie their arses off to the women they shouldn’t be fucking. Perhaps some women are more willing to believe these lies than others.

And some people lie to themselves about being swept away by passion.

TicTac80 · 21/04/2021 06:40
  1. I don’t know. Probably because she’s not that great a person.
  2. No. In fact when my XH dumped OW (who is now an ex friend of mine), and she phoned me up all upset (because she thought we could be “break up support mates”), I laughed at her. A lot.
TicTac80 · 21/04/2021 06:44

Having said that...my XH was the one who made the vows, not OW. Even though she had been my friend, she’d been at my wedding and she knew my kids. I hate what he did more than what she did...but trust me, I still hated her. She could have told him to jog on and not have anything to do with him (and vice versa for that matter). But they both had no morals.

SarahBellam · 21/04/2021 08:28

@finish121

Hi.

I have a question for you all, would appreciate honest responses.

Why would a single woman enter into an affair with a man whom she knows is married from the outset?

Would you feel sorry for the single woman if she was dumped following the discovery of the affair?

Thanks

It doesn’t matter. She hasn’t broken any vows and doesn’t owe anyone anything regardless of whether you agree with her choices or not. The real question is why would a married man, who has made vows to someone who is supposed to be the most important person in his life, choose to cheat on her? All along this man has has a choice and he chose to have an affair. I wouldn’t feel sorry for her if the affair ended, but I would definitely judge him more harshly. I’d also think that if he was forced to give her up it’s probably not over.
GarlicMonkey · 21/04/2021 08:32

@ItsNotLoveActually

I'd feel sorry for the wife who took him back. Who knows what lies he told the OW or how vulnerable, gullible, naive she was. Yes, she could be an utter bitch who loves to break up marriages and walk away unscathed. The married man broke vows, she didn't.
I took mine back.... then dumped his cheating arse 6 months later when I was ready & had spent time preparing.
agentmichaelscarn · 21/04/2021 08:35

Zero morals. My friend had an affair with a married man, became friends with his wife, accepted being godmother to his child. Affair ended but she's stilll 'friends' with the couple and wants an active role in the child's life. The level of deception was too much for me, so we're not really friends anymore. She has terrible self esteem despite being young and beautiful, and I think even less of the husband (what a fucking creep) but she enjoyed the drama and being chased by him.

Phoenix121 · 21/04/2021 09:37

There are lots of reasons why single women have sex with married men. I think that quite a common reason is because she feels she is reaching an age where she wants to be cherished and she looks around and there are no single men who are paying her any attention. But there might be a married man who is well put together, is used to familial responsibilities and is basically just nice to her whenever they encounter one another.

In this case, a single woman might then enter into an affair with a married man because she covets the life she perceives the wife is experiencing. Initially she might find the man attractive and over time, via regular interactions with the man at work or at social hobbies she might build up snippets of information into an imaginary lifestyle which she herself wants to live. She will then genuinely start to believe that this man will leave his wife for her and she will basically take the wife's place.

Just supposing the man is friendly, always happy, makes her laugh, does kind gestures, is seemingly nice to everyone else, drives a nice car, goes on nice holidays, runs his own business, etc. She's going to think 'lucky wife' and compare that to her own Saturday nights in with no partner watching the telly.

She won't give a thought to the wife being a person. The wife will become an obstacle to the object of her true desires. This may well be aided by the man barely - if at all - mentioning his wife in conversation, because he is physically attracted to the OW, fancies a different vagina, and reckons he might get away with it. He might build a subtle narrative to suggest to the OW that he needs saving (intimating that he does a lot of work around the house, works full-time, never mentions his wife's work - an indication to the OW that he needs saving from the awful shrew he is married to).

For me - and I would guess for a lot of people reading this forum - the idea of having an affair with a married man is preposterous. Disregarding any moral objections, which are valid in themselves, there is also the logical perspective to consider which is that the MM is in large part the sum of what his wife, his children, and his marriage have made him. So, if he is the attentive, kind, generous, funny man she covets, he probably is only this way because he has a supportive and loving base from which to be this way. If the OW were to be successful in pulling him from the clutches of his wife, the chances are she would end up with a very different character to the one she had created for herself in fairyland.

Yes I would feel sorry for the dumped OW in these circumstances. Not because she has been dumped, but because she was so lacking in her understanding of human relationships and in her ability to critically analyse the situation she was in.

Sunshineandflipflops · 21/04/2021 09:48

Because she wants what she knows she can't have, because it boosts her self esteem to know she can have what isn't hers, because they don't think about the potential consequences of being found out, just the bubble they are in and the lies they are being fed.

As for feeling sorry - generally no but that really depends on the circumstances.

Sunshineandflipflops · 21/04/2021 09:53

And the OW in my case wasn't old and fat - she was 12 years younger and objectively attractive ( I thought she looked like a man but I was very rightly very bitter).

She probably could have had her pick but chose my husband. He dumped her for an older model later anyway...that must have stung a bit but obviously no sympathy from me...quite the opposite.

ChairmansReserve · 21/04/2021 10:54

@TheWashingMachine It isn't her problem, she is not the one who made the commitment by getting married. She is a free agent.

If you genuinely believe this, you are a bad person.

Mulberry974 · 21/04/2021 11:10

Nope don't feel sorry for anyone who has affairs whether it's the single person or the married man. Affairs are utterly selfish. I'd rather use my sympathy for people who have been cheated on who have their lives shattered.

Happinessevaded · 21/04/2021 11:18

In my case, I was fed a load of poor me shit and had no idea what was going on in reality.

I don’t want someone else’s husband as that’s not a relationship by any stretch of the imagination but I unwittingly ended up with one as he lied.

I am no contact after discovering the extent of the lies. He disgusts me now.

PurrBox · 21/04/2021 11:23

My ageing husband's OW was young, slim, and lovely. She seems like a 'nice' person. He didn't lie to her about his marriage.

She was impressed and intrigued by him, and was able to put his life with me in another compartment, I guess.

This seems very strange, even incomprehensible, to me, but doesn't fit in with any of the Mn stereotypes.

AustinAggro · 21/04/2021 12:52

What Phoenix 121 said .
Exactly that.

Becstar90 · 21/04/2021 12:59

Only person I'd feel sorry for is the wife. I couldn't give a rats ass how the woman feels. Don't even get me started on the cheating husband.