Page 3 | Affairs & cheating

ExConstance · 21/04/2021 13:12

I can think of a number of men i know of who have affairs with younger, good looking women. One very boring average looking person I worked with had a long affair with a single woman who is now married to a celebrity and she is stunning. I do not know of any married men who had affairs with overweight sad characters. Sad but true.
I do think that lack of a sexual relationship is a big warning sign in a marriage and there should be communication about it before it becomes a big issue. I think most people who stray feel they are not appreciated in their main relationship and are looking for someone to actually want to be with them.

DisneyMillie · 21/04/2021 13:24

My DHs OW was younger, thinner, possibly prettier than me and I think that’s a fairly common thing.

We were having plenty of sex still and she said herself he never said anything bad or that he didn’t care about me anymore.

But I think she had low self esteem (she used to be overweight and I think has had bad relationships) so liked the attention, is selfish (she said she felt no guilt) and as a pp said liked the look of our lifestyle (nice car, nice hols, nice house, “nice” dh) and thought she could win him away and take my place.

I think she was hurt when he ended it (his decision - I wasn’t aware it happened for years) - I don’t feel bad for her

ravenmum · 21/04/2021 13:28

Why would a single woman enter into an affair with a man whom she knows is married from the outset?
Because she thinks some other factor makes his marriage irrelevant, or because she thinks that marriage in general is irrelevant. In addition to this, she might also see a long marriage as a sign that he is able to stay in a relationship, and if he has children then she might see it as proof that he's a family man. (People in this situation often believe that the affair is justified, so don't see that as evidence that he's a shit husband or father.)

Would you feel sorry for the single woman if she was dumped following the discovery of the affair?
Would depend on whether I knew and liked her, and what the circumstances were.

Whereismymojo · 21/04/2021 13:30

@finish121

Hi.

I have a question for you all, would appreciate honest responses.

Why would a single woman enter into an affair with a man whom she knows is married from the outset?

Would you feel sorry for the single woman if she was dumped following the discovery of the affair?

Thanks

My beautiful and very lovely friend is having an affair with a married man. She is single. She loves him. She is routinely hurt by the set up. It always comes to a head, they end it, they rekindle. Repeat repeat..

Why? Who knows. Everyone - married or not, has unmet needs and vulnerabilities. I really wish she would move on, but she doesn’t, or hasn’t, yet.

Yes I sympathise with her when it goes bad. I am her friend. I also do not sugar coat what is going on, and I ask her uncomfortable questions she chooses to avoid. But she’s my friend and she hurts, so I am there for her.

Whereismymojo · 21/04/2021 13:33

@DisneyMillie

My DHs OW was younger, thinner, possibly prettier than me and I think that’s a fairly common thing.

We were having plenty of sex still and she said herself he never said anything bad or that he didn’t care about me anymore.

But I think she had low self esteem (she used to be overweight and I think has had bad relationships) so liked the attention, is selfish (she said she felt no guilt) and as a pp said liked the look of our lifestyle (nice car, nice hols, nice house, “nice” dh) and thought she could win him away and take my place.

I think she was hurt when he ended it (his decision - I wasn’t aware it happened for years) - I don’t feel bad for her

That’s a very good account also of how my friend would see her affair too. Somehow my friend manages to be quite impervious to feeling guilty towards his wife. Which is so bizarre to me.

Glad you don’t feel bad for her - she’s not your friend - you absolutely shouldn’t!!

Sandra15 · 21/04/2021 13:39

One interesting phenomenon is that some women with self esteem problems think that if they can prise a bloke away from his wife or partner that somehow validates them. That they are better than the wife or girlfriend to be 'chosen'. Although I imagine most relationships of this sort go Pete Tong before too long.

arethereanyleftatall · 21/04/2021 13:56

Thing is, there are plenty of single males out there, plenty. Many, certainly enough, of them are also attractive, fun, intelligent etc etc
So, therefore, it's something else that pulls women to married guys.
I think it's low self esteem which makes everything a competition for these women - they have to constantly 'win' over other women to prove to themselves they've got it.

Quirrelsotherface · 21/04/2021 14:06

Oh come on loads of gorgeous women sleep with married men, although I appreciate that doesn’t suit the narrative

Agree with this totally. And the women who spout this shit that all women who sleep with married men are whores, are insecure etc..actually you're the insecure ones to say it. Because deep down you are utterly terrified of your DH/DP cheating.
I can confidently say my own DH wouldn't cheat but I can't be 100% certain as I know that life isn't black and white. I don't feel hateful towards other women because of that or see them as a threat, because I'm confident in myself.

Sideorderofchips · 21/04/2021 14:09

Actually my husband did cheat.

She is a whore. That is my opinion of her.

SteveArnottsCodeine · 21/04/2021 14:10

Surely there are as many reasons as there are women to whom it happens. They’re hardly the problem really though are they- it’s the married women who are the twats.

ravenmum · 21/04/2021 14:14

And the women who spout this shit that all women who sleep with married men are whores, are insecure etc..actually you're the insecure ones to say it. Because deep down you are utterly terrified of your DH/DP cheating.
I wouldn't accuse anyone of being a whore but I have wondered if my exh's OW was insecure. Not because I'm scared of my exh cheating; he's long gone, with few regrets. But because she was younger and more attractive than him, not just me! - and I know that before my exh, she had an affair with another older, less attractive married man. She's since cheated on my exh with yet another guy. I think it's normal to wonder what might be going on with her. Low self-esteem seems a reasonable guess.

kickergoes · 21/04/2021 14:15

I don't understand why women who haven't been cheated on feel so affronted by mistresses, like it is personally insulting to them. It's such an odd, insecure, stance.

ravenmum · 21/04/2021 14:17

@kickergoes

I don't understand why women who haven't been cheated on feel so affronted by mistresses, like it is personally insulting to them. It's such an odd, insecure, stance.

They do?

Happinessevaded · 21/04/2021 14:19

I thought I was in love and that I’d spend the rest of my life with him. Nothing to do with self esteem as I chose him over others and it had nothing to do with him being married as he had told me it was over and they were divorcing.

I’m younger, slimmer blah blah blah which is totally irrelevant.

I’m not a whore (really?) and the wives calling other woman whores, maybe redirect your anger to your cheating, lying husbands because they are the problem.

ChairmansReserve · 21/04/2021 14:21

@Quirrelsotherface Agree with this totally. And the women who spout this shit that all women who sleep with married men are whores, are insecure etc..actually you're the insecure ones to say it. Because deep down you are utterly terrified of your DH/DP cheating.
I can confidently say my own DH wouldn't cheat but I can't be 100% certain as I know that life isn't black and white. I don't feel hateful towards other women because of that or see them as a threat, because I'm confident in myself.

How odd. Do you also think that we dislike murderers, rapists, thieves and fraudsters only because we're terrified our 'DH/DP' might commit murder, rape, theft or fraud?

Or do you not grasp the idea that it's possible to think that something is fundamentally ethically wrong and that someone who would do it is behaving in an intrinsically wrong way?

Do you in fact not understand the idea that things can, in fact, be inherently morally wrong? And that many people dislike and are repelled by people who commit inherently morally wrong acts?

ChairmansReserve · 21/04/2021 14:22

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Quirrelsotherface · 21/04/2021 14:32

ChairmansReserve

That isn't what I'm saying at all. My point is that you can't say that every single woman (or man) who has got involved with someone who is married is a certain type of person.

I agree that they are morally wrong in a lot of cases but to label them all insecure, low self esteem, desperate, overweight (?!!) is at best naive and at worst horribly insecure and scared of their own relationship going wrong. Be confident in yourself to the point where if this did happen to you, you would be strong enough to deal with it. Lots of different people and scenario's exist, the world isn't black and white.

ravenmum · 21/04/2021 14:34

@ChairmansReserve I think you may have overlooked Happiness's explanation above of how she was misled into thinking that the guy was already divorcing. Also, I'm not sure if that corny old quip counts as a personal insult and goes against MN's policy. In any case it might be worth asking to have it deleted, as mud-slinging does tend to get both parties covered in mud.

kickergoes · 21/04/2021 14:37

@ravenmum yes look at some of these replies, calling them fat and whores?! They wouldn't stoop so low if they weren't taking it personally and felt secure. You don't see this kind of vitriol against "the other man".

Happinessevaded · 21/04/2021 14:38

@ChairmansReserve

Jesus, what a ridiculous comment, instead of directing your obvious vitriol towards other woman, look at the real issue which is men breaking their marriage vows / lying about their situations.

You conveniently only posted part of my response but that’s ok.

And @Quirrelsotherface agreed

ravenmum · 21/04/2021 14:38

[quote kickergoes]@ravenmum yes look at some of these replies, calling them fat and whores?! They wouldn't stoop so low if they weren't taking it personally and felt secure. You don't see this kind of vitriol against "the other man".[/quote]
I would presume those are women that have been cheated on, though, and are pissed off.

kickergoes · 21/04/2021 14:48

@ravenmum well no because after some of the comments they have specifically stated they haven't been cheated on.

kickergoes · 21/04/2021 14:50

Such as:

I've never known an attractive, successful woman have sex knowing the man was married. It's always insecure, desperate, overweight, unfortunate looking women who do that. Sorry that's a bit brutal but it's my honest opinion (and no, it's never happened to me)

That's quite personal for someone who hasn't personally been affected?

ChairmansReserve · 21/04/2021 15:09

@Quirrelsotherface

ChairmansReserve

That isn't what I'm saying at all. My point is that you can't say that every single woman (or man) who has got involved with someone who is married is a certain type of person.

I agree that they are morally wrong in a lot of cases but to label them all insecure, low self esteem, desperate, overweight (?!!) is at best naive and at worst horribly insecure and scared of their own relationship going wrong

I'm sure there are men and women who knowingly are part of betraying their own or another person's relationship who are all shapes, sizes,ages, levels of intelligence: clever stupid confident insecure happy sad fat thin beautiful ugly...

but every single one of them is a morally disgusting person and not someone I would want to be around.

so there may be no single one type in those superficial ways, but deep down they are inherently the same.

Be confident in yourself to the point where if this did happen to you, you would be strong enough to deal with it.

I presume you are using 'you' in a generic sense here rather than directed at me personally ? I am not someone who struggles with insecurity in that way. but I do have enough self-respect that I would move on immediately from a relationship where someone had betrayed me in this way.

Again it is perfectly possible to find people who commit certain acts disgusting without it having any particular personal resonance.

I'm not especially or disproportionately scared of being murdered or raped. I still believe that murderers and rapists are disgusting people. That is nothing to do with my personal history or psyche.

lots of different people and scenario's exist, the world isn't black and white

but there are plenty of actions like the ones I listed in my previous post which like rape and defrauding people which are always horrendous, inexcusable and committed by people who fundamentally don't give a shit0 about anyone except themselves.

Quirrelsotherface · 21/04/2021 15:11

ChairmansReserve

You are projecting a lot I think and seem to be taking the thread personally.