How would you feel if your partner said this to you?

[Bloodyfuckit]

Lying in bed, cuddled up. I said, you smell nice. He said, do I. I said yes, have you put something on? He said yes, I put some aftershave on this morning......for the nurses (he had his jab today). How would you feel about this comment?

[toocold54]

What you’re saying isn’t a big deal to me but it obviously is to you.
You already know the answer to your own question you are just not compatible and you seem like you don’t need anyone else to tell you that.

[LouiseTrees]

Fgs OP tell him you find it demeaning to your relationship for him to be so caught up in porn.

[NiceGerbil]

Thoughtful?

Why is it thoughtful?

Thoughtful means knowing a person and what they like want or need and giving that. So he's saying his friend knows he had a real hankering for a dated porn mag? Weird.

[Bloodyfuckit]

@NiceGerbil

If it was a self depreciating/sarcastic joke or just being silly (as he's so obviously devoted) then ok ish

But if he was my OH I'd find the carry on style of it pretty grim. Sid James in the hosp bed leering at all the nurses who were young and attractive naturally in the main.

Is he generally sexist?

He thinks he's not because he promotes women at work but he definitely is.

[AnniesAmazingEyebrows]

Because you said yourself he meant it in a sleazy way then I'd have a case of the ick and if he's meant it in a sleazy way then I'll assume this isn't a one off and he's sleazy in other way.

Like, if he thinks genuinely going for medical treatment is a chance for some sexual thrill in the form of young sexy women treating him and trying to impress them then he's probably sleazy in other ways, shows a bit of sexism too, plenty of older women are nurses and plenty of young and older men are working at the vaccines too.

I was going to initially say it's not unusual to take a bit of extra care with personal hygiene , I'd maybe put a bit of extra deodorant and some breath freshener if person treating me is likely to be up close because I can get nervous and sweaty, not because I'm hoping for a bunch of fuckable doctors to be there and I'm trying to flirt or impress them. Not surprised to see you say about the porn too.

[pallisers]

the comment alone wouldn't bother me (my dentist admired my necklace and I told her truthfully that I had put it on for her - haven't been out of the house otherwise for ages). But the whatsapp and the porn mag are horrible.

he is a sleaze and his friends are too. And the "sexy nurse" trope is yuck. I'd tell him seriously that although he has a milestone birthday coming up, doesn't he think it is a bit soon to become a dirty old man?

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

OP. Why do you want to be with a man you know is a sleaze?

[TheresAnEyeInMeSoup]

Thoughtful??? I would dump him. Him and his mates sound dodgy as.

[sweetclems]

@Bloodyfuckit

He meant he was trying to impress all the sexy young nurses basically.

He was joking is my guess but if he's generally a sleazy person I wouldn't find it remotely funny either... nothing worse than a man leching over women 🤢

[NiceGerbil]

Have you got kids?

He knows you don't like this stuff/ feel uncomfy with it. And he does it anyway and appears to rub your nose in it. Nice.

With the nurses thing what did you say? I'm trying to think of what my automatic reaction would be if one of my male friends said that. I think it would be along the lines of why on earth would they be interested in you. Or something.

[katy1213]

Heavens, get over yourself!

[CorianderBee]

Just a joke in my eyes, just being silly, maybe wanted to get a little bit of a jealous reaction to make him feel desired

[Mydogmylife]

@AnneLovesGilbert

Like the constant stream of shared porn pictures on his friends WhatsApp group.

Right. So start a thread about that as it’s a much bigger issue than a spot of aftershave.

As you can see, most people would take a joke as a joke. But we’re not all with men who think images of probably abused women in compromising positions they might have been coerced into is acceptable.

Exactly - there's the ultimate drip feed! DH would wear the aftershave anyway if he was going out, just as part of his normal grooming regime, but the sharing of porn is a completely different issue

[CorianderBee]

The porn I'd lose my top over tbh. Gross

[AramintaLee]

Sounds like a clumsy attempt at humour. I'd eyeroll and let it go.

[VodselForDinner]

Is your boyfriend named Sidney Smutt?

[Washingtofold]

a guy who thinks porn is some type of thing to share with people on WhatsApp? He sounds sleazy and gross

What does he say when you ask him why he thinks that’s acceptable ?

[Washingtofold]

Not the comment , the porn

[MissTrip82]

Ewwww.

Nurses aren’t sex objects and they will all have been to busy working to notice what some sad sleazy guy had rolled in before turning up.

[HeyDemonsItsYaGirl]

He thinks he's not because he promotes women at work but he definitely is.

And you haven't dumped him because...?

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

He thinks he's not because he promotes women at work but he definitely is.

And you haven't dumped him because...?

This.

It's the equivalent of "I'm not racist, I've got a black friend."

[Osirus]

You are hugely overreacting OP.

[CaraherEIL]

I think the nurses/aftershave comment is not really significant and I think wouldn’t have stung if you hadn’t been grimmed out by the What’s app porn group and the vintage porn mag. I think having this stupid gang of men sending porn round to each other and perceiving as ‘thoughtful’ a guy buying you a vintage porn mag is bound to make you feel like he’s a dickhead. Thoughtful implies this mate wants to help him reminisce about his early special porn memories and that his friend really understands him in a way you just don’t get. It all a load of seedy pressure on you to imply that you are the difficult one and they are all just so in sync.I would tell him he stinks like a dirty old man and if he thinks his mate with the porn mag is so thoughtful and understanding he should go and shag him. I would then order yourself a sexy nurses fancy dress costume and go for an alfresco night out with the girls.

[2018SoFarSoGreat]

the comment in itself would make me laugh IF I was in a comfortable relationship, but the rest of it - no. He sounds like a sleaze bag, and I'm sorry for you. Surely you are worth better than this, OP?

[Changingwiththetimes]

Huh? I haven't ever seen a sexy nurse. They are usually middle-aged and not particularly svelte, and the polyester uniform is hardly flattering. Not that you can't be sexy at middle age or fuller figured but you understand what I mean.
I'd take it as a light hearted joke.