How would you feel if your partner said this to you?

[Bloodyfuckit]

Lying in bed, cuddled up. I said, you smell nice. He said, do I. I said yes, have you put something on? He said yes, I put some aftershave on this morning......for the nurses (he had his jab today). How would you feel about this comment?

[ChristmasFluff]

I don't understand why you were posting about him wearing aftershave and asking how other people would feel about a comment that in most circumstances would be the sort of joke that millions of men (my Dad included) would make. When the problem is nothing to do with that, as your later drip-feeding made clear.

To get useful replies, you need to ask the right question. I'd suggest doing that in future.

"I'm married to a sleazeball sexist who has sleazeball sexist friends. How do I get a divorce' might be a start?

[londonscalling]

I'd be telling him that the what's app group is degrading to women generally and disrespectful to you and he needs to grow up and come out of it.

[MiaRoma]

@Bloodyfuckit

I'm not sure how many more times I can say that he wasn't saying it in the context of smelling clean/fresh/nice for a medical appointment. He was saying it in a sexual context. Anyway, it would appear, as with most things, there's a range of views. It would bother some and not others. It bothers me though, especially in the context of everything else that's going on with him.

If he isn't likely to change, how long can you put up with this for?

[Onlinedilema]

Sat watching porn.

[Onlinedilema]

Op is he older than you?
You say 'his' children. I'm getting the impression you are the younger model as his first wife kicked him to the curb. He sounds revolting. Sat watching over Christmas lunch, who does that?
I bet secretly your friends find him creepy. The aftershave is a red herring. I wear perfume every day for work my dh tells me I smell divine but he knows I'm not a creepy bastard.

[Chocaholic9]

@pallisers

Relentlessly. All late 40s, all in relationships, all professionals. We were stood in a queue in b&q once and I happened to glance at his phone and a message came through of a woman bend over with everything spread wide open. It just felt so horrible to be innocently stood in a Q in a shop and to know that they were circulating this shit. Another time was Christmas day. His adult children were around, he was sat at the table drinking wine, I walked behind him and a photo of a group of naked women popped up on whatsapp singing jingle bells. They send this kind of shit around endlessly.

I'd have left him after the B&Q incident. That is absolutely grim.

I know you think he doesn't give off sleazy vibes, OP. But you are innured to him by now. I bet he does and other women feel it.

Oh dear. Men who circulate this crap are the worst. I'd not stand for it. He sounds like a disgusting sleaze.

[Chocaholic9]

It wouldn't bother me.

[Lex345]

I think the bit I find worst OP is that he said he knows you didn't like porn but it was really thoughtful of his friend to gift it to him (who gifts someone porn 😳 ) It isn't about what anyone else thinks-this man knows YOUR boundary and continues to repeatedly cross this on Whatsapp, without considering the impact on you. I suspect that this, rather than the nurse comment, is the root of how you are feeling-and unfortunately this will add context to other things he does-if he is constantly viewing women as sexual objects, it is easy to see why his comment about nurses would be interpreted as a continuation of this.

Can I also just add, I am a nurse (neither young nor sexy) however it is really not OK that nurses are seen as fair game for leering over. I have both been on the receiving end of unwanted attention and have also watched colleagues utterly mortified because by some it was thought OK to comment on their looks, figure, ask if they have a boyfriend, ask for bed baths, ask very intimate questions, ask for kisses, making sexually inappropriate comments. How many times have I been asked my profession only to be responded to "Ooooh Matron!" . It isn't even remotely funny and makes a very difficult job even harder. Stereotypes are terrible things to try and shake off-we are neither angels nor sex objects, just normal people trying to do our jobs. Anyway, that might be a whole other discussion, sorry OP!

Midlife crisis or not-if he is crossing your boundaries knowing that you are unhappy, he is showing no respect for you and that alone would be a deal breaker for me.

[pallisers]

Relentlessly. All late 40s, all in relationships, all professionals. We were stood in a queue in b&q once and I happened to glance at his phone and a message came through of a woman bend over with everything spread wide open. It just felt so horrible to be innocently stood in a Q in a shop and to know that they were circulating this shit. Another time was Christmas day. His adult children were around, he was sat at the table drinking wine, I walked behind him and a photo of a group of naked women popped up on whatsapp singing jingle bells. They send this kind of shit around endlessly.

I'd have left him after the B&Q incident. That is absolutely grim.

I know you think he doesn't give off sleazy vibes, OP. But you are innured to him by now. I bet he does and other women feel it.

[Aldilogue]

Yeah that would bother me. I hate porn and I personally think that blokes who send this stuff around are gross.
It's kinda funny tho cos I'm a nurse, I'm fit but wouldn't consider myself sexy and most of my colleagues don't either because we are working, not thinking about sex!! When we get patients like this we actually make fun of them privately anyway so the joke is kinda of him.
Porn has a lot to answer for the "sexy nurse" crap.

[Howyoudoingirl]

I'd laugh & say 'I bet you were fighting them off with a shitty stick.

[Helenahandbasket1]

Only you know the context and behaviour of your OH. Trust your instincts OP
Sorry he’s a twat.

[minddeter]

Ive read all your responses now though OP. Does he have redeeming features?

[minddeter]

If my partner said this I'd 100% know they were joking and I'd probably fake being annoyed and we'd end up playfighting and probably having sex.

[TheresAnEyeInMeSoup]

Admittedly the dripfeeding hasn't helped people see what the real issues are.

[TheresAnEyeInMeSoup]

Her husband shares porn with his mates at the dinner table at christmas or whilst smooching around in b&q. That would put me off, no doubt about it.

[Onthedunes]

I think op has got the ick.

Once that happens everthing that comes out of his mouth will seem seedy and sleezy.
Being one of the lads can be tolerable to some wives when they are younger but if they never mature then in the end their behaviour just becomes repulsive.

[TheresAnEyeInMeSoup]

@MsMeNs what are you you on about? Read the thread! This isn't about what constitutes as 'banter' in YOUR marriage. It's about the OPs husband being a sleazy prick. I wasn't suggesting your husband is a sleaze ball. Ffs.

[MsMeNz]

@TheresAnEyeInMeSoup

Have you rtft *@MsMeNz*. Being a sleaze ball isn't banter.

I guess I'll call a summit with my husband of 18 years urgently and inform him you do not approve of our martial humour on occasion so we can rectify the situation immediately to comply with your yours and be as happy as you are in you long and happy marriage 🙄 ffs

[TheresAnEyeInMeSoup]

Have you rtft @MsMeNz. Being a sleaze ball isn't banter.

[MsMeNz]

I'd laugh 🙂 and say up to you love. We make each other laugh and I'm not a jealous person. Sounds like you have been burned in the past and are on edge for any sign of cheating.

Just to be clear I used to be like that but after being burned I decided if whomever I'm with wants to be with me and not cheat great. If they cheat I will decide if I can live with it or not logically and if not he will get the consequences him being kicked out. 🤷 I would manage just fine. Having this mindset of I'll be fine either way allows me not to worry so much and we can have joking around like this without it ringing any alarm bells or anything. Just a bit of banter.

[museumsandgalleries666]

@Bloodyfuckit

He meant he was trying to impress all the sexy young nurses basically.

I didn't see any sexy or young nurses when I had my jab, just exhausted middle aged professionals doing their job. You're lost in a Carry On caper. Get a grip.

[TheresAnEyeInMeSoup]

OP, I think if you posted about your husbands other deviant behaviours you would get different responses. I think people are reading your initial post and think your are overreacting.

With the porn sharing thing, I couldn't even entertain sleeping with a guy who did shit like this. What exactly do you say to him about this stuff? How would he react if you received vids and pics of naked, hot blokes? Get a friend to share some with you and make sure he sees it. Childish, I know but what's good for the goose and all that...

[Chillychili]

I would laugh if my DP said that. Although as a nurse (don’t know if I count as young at 32) I am never impressed by someone’s aftershave. People always put way to much on. Like others said nurses are overworked, exhausted we aren’t out on the pull while giving vaccinations. I wouldn’t worry.

[Spied]

Urgh. Sharing porn clips at his age especially is a real mix of creepy and cringe. The aftershave just tops it off nicely.
He sounds like someone to avoid.
You can usually spot that type of dirty old man a mile away with the cheeky glint and Christmas aftershave.