Worried about moving in with my girlfriend and her kid.

[Worried198X]

Hi all,

I worried about moving in with my girlfriend and her kids

Take the opportunity to move on and find someone who is after an equal partnership

Good call, OP. Don't allow yourself to be used. You deserve better.

Over-invested perhaps but I am very relieved you have come to that decision OP. Your latest update paints her in a very poor light, the absolute nerve of her on all fronts. My blood is boiling thinking of it, to have been lucky enough to have found what sounds a very good man and then abuse that good nature....But she is no longer your concern. I would strongly urge you to close your ears to any protestations of regret, of love, of promises to change. She has showed you who she is systematically over a period of time and there is no going back from that

I've seen your your update, OP, and I'm glad you're taking the better route here.

One thing really bothers me. Adopting her teenagers? I'm struggling to get my head around that idea. How does does this even come up in conversation?

Good decision. You knew in your bones it wasn't working.

@Worried198X

Hi all,

thank you very much for all your replies and advice. I've decided I'm not moving in and that the relationship is over. To try to answer some of the questions over the last few pages.

I have spoken to my girlfriend calmly about these issues a numerous times and suggested ways she could make them start cleaning up after themselves and doing a bit more. to be honest its partly as I'm sick of doing it and partly as she is constantly doing it to the detriment to her health. She always says yeah I know but then does nothing and within a few weeks if we have an argument she is accusing me of having a go or insulting her children based on my suggestions.

I didn't want to move in yet (for reasons outlined in OP) but I was told if I didn't move in asap it was over. I was also told a real man would have stepped up by now and suggested adopting her children. She has also constantly telling me I should be contributing financially to her household. I agree with that but I do in what I bring and I also pay for holidays for her and before covid payed around 70% of the cost for her and the kids to go abroad twice for a week. She seems to completely ignore all this and calls me mean and stingy a few times a year and says its a mans job to provide.

I drive everywhere we need to go, the very rare time she drives us (about once every 6 months) she generally gets annoyed with it and says I want a woman to drive me around the whole time. She also says I should be driving her son to soccer on Sunday mornings (he's been going since before I met her).

There's load more but now that I write it out I can't believe I put up with this for so long. I guess i was just lonely but enough is enough. I'm no angel and have our faults but I've really tried to help her and her kids as much as I can but anything I do is never enough and there;s always something more she wants that I don't do and I get given out to over that. Sorry for the long post but all the messages here and just thinking about it made me realise this isn't for me.

You have to pay for her and her kids holidays, ferrying them to soccer practice, taking holiday to jobs for her, she's telling you have to adopt her kids to be a real man, I would of just laughed outright in her face and told her to go do one, these are the exact reasons why no single bloke should be getting involved with single mums, you are completely incompatible, sorry its taken this long of being used for you to realise, at least you know for next time

So pleased to see your update. Run, run away! There are plenty of lovely women who would appreciate a kind and generous partner

I don't very often say that I think someone should end a relationship as I always think we are only getting a tiny snippet of a glance at a relationship on here, but I did say that to you and I'm glad you've followed up on everyone's advice. You sound like a decent guy who was being made a bit of a mug of. She clearly expects someone to run round after them all with very little in return. Take some time to grieve the relationship and then I'm sure you'll find much more happiness elsewhere. Sorry it turned out this way, but it sounds like it was for the best

@jimmyjammy001. I don't agree that no man should be involved with single mums but I do agree that the onus is particularly on the mum to ensure that she manages the dynamics of what is inevitably a tricky situation well. It is absolutely on her to not pass over too much of the burdens of being a single mum on to her partner's shoulders (even if it could feel like a relief to do so). He may choose over time to take some of those - outside of normal contributions on terms of household jobs, finances, etc.- on out of love, care, decency, being part of a new family etc but it is not something to be foisted on him.

@jimmyjammy001 you are wrong to think men shouldn't get involved with single mums, just that one in particular, plenty of single mums aren't money grabbing and demanding, it's a shame to think like that when there are mums that are capable of providing for their family without expecting a new dad to provide for them.

She’s been completely taking advantage of you and using you.

Please don’t lose your nerve when you try to break up with her.

It sounds as though she wanted you to be a father figure to her kids in every way apart from discipline, but she wasn't willing to do that either.

I won't be moving in with my partner while my kids are at home because I am happy with how I parent but I realise that someone else moving in might not be. My kids come first and this is their home so that's the way it is. I don't ask much of them other than the basic respect, make your bed, put your dishes in the dishwasher but that's how I was brought up and that's how I like it. If my partner or another man moved in and tried to tell me I should be doing it differently, I wouldn't be happy.

Forget bullets, you dodged a howitzer shell there, OP

The adopting the “kids” (they’re teenagers, for a start!) thing too. Think I’ve heard everything now.

Good call OP.

The truth is teens can be lazy and annoying to their own parents at times.

I can't imagine wanting to put up with teens thzt weren't mine.

She was a user.

You wouldn't have lasted a month.

Good luck!

@Wexone It is an old English usage that fell out of use in England but remained in some other areas.

It is therefore actually perfectly good English just a little old fashioned.

A lot of the English usage that gets criticized in Ireland, America or Scotland is just older English that some current English people are unaware of.

I don't think that they can teach much history of the English language in English schools.

Sensible decision OP, good moving on.

Yanbu at all! She and her kids sound feral.

Don't, whatever you do, move in. And stop cleaning up after her and her kids.

I'd be rethinking the entire relationship- it doesn't sound as if she likes you or respects you at all.

jimmyjammy001 is chatting shit. A huge majority of single mums wouldn't dream of acting like this and are only too aware that our burdens are ours to carry. In fact I would go as far as saying that in this situation OP is equally responsible for letting things go this far in her poor treatment of him - where are his boundaries?

OP I'm glad you're out of the relationship and I'm sure you'll have clearer boundaries next time.

Don't move in and split up she shouldn't be calling you names.

Oops glad to hear youve broken up I'm sure you'll do better in the long run.

GREAT NEWS

you Sir deserve way better 🌸

@Ineedaneasteregg thanks for that. My mother is English ( living her more than 30 years) it drives her wrong when we call the "airing cupboard" the hot press :)

Well done! You sound lovely and I’m sure you’ll meet someone who is good enough for you in no time. Your ex sounds dreadful and she’ll be furious she’s lost her meal ticket. She’ll be round to try to reel you back in I’ll bet.

You've dodged a bullet

One of my grandmothers was so unused to saying 'cupboard' that when she had to say it, she did it really slowly as 'Cup Boo-ard'. Cute.

Well done op.

Have you told her?