Worried about moving in with my girlfriend and her kid.

[Worried198X]

Hi all,

I worried about moving in with my girlfriend and her kids

[Mollymalone123]

I would say have a proper discussion about kids and their lack of cleaning etc and say you can see it won’t work unless some changes are made.She has to be willing to change her stance on how she deals with her kids.She isn’t doing them any favours in the long run always cleaning up after them.It is all very well her telling you she needs you to move in to progress your relationship but equally she must also be prepared to alter the way she does things too.Otherwise it’s not a partnership-you’ll be arguing all the time.

[Elieza]

Don’t do it.

There’s no way it will end well.

Is she on benefits, because if she is, her income will be negatively affected when you move in, which she may not have considered.

She wants you to move in
You want her children to respect their home and mother.
Why does the thing that she wants trump the thing that you want?

She is using and manipulating you. You’ve been good to her doing lots of work round her pad.

Don’t move in. Your feelings are valid. And quite honestly your feelings are right.

I dated a boy like her son, he was a lazy swine who expected me to do everything. I was exhausted and ill.

I was actually better once I’d split with him as then I only had my own meds to clean!

She’s be doing her children’s’ future partners a favour if she got them better trained. She is not a responsible parent. She is allowing herself to be treated like a skivvy.

[Fluffycloudland77]

@Worried198X

My girlfriend had told me she wants progression and if I don't move in soon its over. Her kids are nice and I get on well with them but they are let run wild in the house

She’s taking the piss.

I couldn’t be doing with ultimatums like that. Why would any sane person move in with her?.

[Elieza]

My own meds not meds.
Bloody autocorrect.

[Elieza]

Got me again dammit, mess.

[Pebbledashery]

You're worried about moving in...
You complain about doing everything...
You've posted on here for advice...
You're still going to move in though aren't you?

[Newestname001]

@Worried198X

My girlfriend had told me she wants progression and if I don't move in soon its over. Her kids are nice and I get on well with them but they are let run wild in the house

But OP, why would you want to progress a relationship with someone who treats you with so little respect? Then add the feral behavioural her children - for whom she's responsible... 🌹

[ErinAoife]

Outlines your concern to her and move in on a trial basis, be honest with her. It is not easy to be a single mom, I used to be very organised but since my separation, I am depressed and everything is a chore and the constant battle with the kids to make them do anything makes the situation worse for me that at the end to avoid arguments, I stop asking them. I tried to have the support of my ex husband but to no avail. Maybe she was in the same situation.

[paralysedbyinertia]

This is clearly a disaster waiting to happen. It isn't going to work. You won't be able to tolerate the kids. She won't be able to tolerate you complaining about them. It'll probably be pretty miserable for the kids as well tbh.

Don't move in. Explain why, without being critical of her parenting in any way. If she can't respect your feelings, and if she wants to threaten you with ending the relationship if you don't move in on her terms, the relationship isn't worth preserving.

[Joy69]

Do not move in. Teenagers are frustrating, & don't see dirty dishes etc as an issue at the best of times. Much as I love mine they drive me mad with their inability to clear up. When they don't belong to you it feels worse.
Other than the teens, it sounds like you are being treated like a cash cow. The amount of diy, shopping etc that you do sounds amazing, no wonder she wants you to move in. What does she do for you to make you feel special?
As others have pointed out if she's getting offended & being unreasonable now, what will she be like when you move in? That said it does depend how you are saying things? If you already know your sleep will be effected & will impact your work, I think you have already answered your question about moving in.

[romdowa]

Why would you even consider it? It sounds like it will be an absolute disaster from the get go. Save yourself the hassle , no women is worth that.

[SakuraEdenSwan1]

@Worried198X

I worried about moving in with my girlfriend and her kids. I work full time and my girlfriend works a few hours a week and has also been sporadically ill recently. I'm due to move in, in a few weeks but am worried about it..

Basically her kids (mid teen and early teen) do as they want in the house. They do very few chores, any time they eat between meals they leave rubbish, dirty dishes and cutlery on the counter, food out of the fridge, the lights on, presses open and the kitchen in a mess generally. They spend all day on their devices inc being on them after midnight on school nights with the eldest playing computer games in his room roaring and shouting. He also rarely flushes the toilet after he uses it and never washes his hands. Most times the younger child is asked to do a chore by her mother she walks off and says not doing it and goes back to her room on her devices.

I am up early every morning for work and need to get a good nights sleep and its difficult with kids roaming around after I go to bed and going down to the kitchen any time they want and leaving it in a mess. I only spend a few nights a week there but am constantly cleaning up after her kids and washing dishes and its fine now but if I was doing it full time it would drive me nuts as they are old enough to do it themselves. There's numerous other things but I'm not going to list them all off here.

Over time I've tried to bring this up calmly with my girlfriend in the it'd make me moving in smoother kind of way. I've mentioned I was doing an awful lot of dishes when it looked like none of the kids were doing any (I did 14 full sets of dishes over 9 days) and that I thought it was a bit unfair. I also mentioned that maybe her children could leave the kitchen in a reasonable state when they use it outside meals or if they don't do their chores maybe to turn off the Wifi until they do. Every time I suggest they help out a bit more (when I'm there and especially when I'm not there as she is sporadically ill) she gets highly offended and starts calling me all the names under the sun for insulting her children.

I know in my heart of hearts when I move in their behavior will drive me mad in a few weeks and I will leave. I don't want this to happen as I love my girlfriend but she makes no effort to change anything or just takes it as me insulting her children and gets highly offended if I suggest they help out.

What can I do about this or am I being completely unreasonable in my outlook.

Thanks,

Have this conversation with your gf not us?

[Sunflower1970]

The fact you are asking if you should move in says it all. You also sound weak., grow a pair and move on

[ItsNotLoveActually]

She must be on benefits of some kind if she's only working a few hours and has ill health. If you move in she will lose those benefits and you will end up supporting them all. Have you had a conversation about finances at all?
You already do so much for her, cleaning and DIY. That will increase if you move in and will just be expected of you.
Teenagers are typically hard work. It's normal. You might get on great with them now but moving in may change that, as you become resentful of their laziness.
Sorry, if she ends it because you don't move in then she'll be doing you a favour.

[Rangoon]

You sound like the loyal sort but why would you sign up as chief skivy for this woman and her rather feral kids? It all sounds grim and grubby. She's yelling at you now and I cant think she'll get better. The benefits thing is a worry too. Tell us you don't wash the dog as well.

I suspect you want to avoid the nasty scene when you tell her it's over. You are going to have that nasty scene sooner or later. You might as well do it now. The longer you leave it the worse it will be. Tell her you've been thinking about the relationship and it's not working for you. You're sorry and she's a great person etc. It is kinder to do this now rather than after moving in and having a tremendous row.

[sageflower]

Don't move in you will regret it, you're not being unreasonable, it's seems a chaotic household and the relationship as now doesn't seem good, with you doing the chores and you gf calling you names. Any doubts in such big steps as moving in then don't do it.

[jimmyjammy001]

I'm sorry but What did you expect?! You agreed to date someone with children and eventually lead to moving in with her and her children, these problems/hassle/dramas are foreseeable by everyone with life experience, if it's not this issue that annoys you there will soon be another issue that annoys you when you move in and have to live with them full time, I would just leave and find someone at the same life stage as yourself, your gf telling shenis going to leave you if you don't put up with her and her children is very selfish, don't make those sacrifices and make your self unhappy in a relationship, it will just end in resentment and you would of wasted value time finding someone more compatible

[jimmyjammy001]

And as another poster has said, have you talked about finances, as if she's only working a few hours a week she is likely receive benefits and as soon as you move in she is likely to loose all these benefits which could amount to over £1k each month which you will then need to pay her out of your take home pay to support her and her children

[HarrietHardy]

Are you young? Do you have children yourself?

p.s. It's not going to work. Like you said already. Do you want permission to stand down?

[Gothichouse40]

Do not move in. If you have tried to talk to her about it and she pays no heed, it's just going to continue. These types of parents annoy me, they bring up children who cannot do a thing for themselves. The children will then grow up and expect their partner to skivvy after them. To hang with that. Unfortunately with the children being in their teens, it's too late in my opinion to start training them now. They are all old enough to muck in with chores. You will end up working and being the servant as well. Sadly, it will get on your nerves and your relationship will falter.

[florababy84]

It sounds like you want different things and are incompatible. You should break up.

[PaterPower]

I can see why SHE wants things to “progress” as you’re already halfway to becoming her meal ticket.

She’s already had you remodel her home and now she’ll have you paying all her bills (because, as PP have said, any benefits income she gets now will go or drop heavily once you move in).

What, exactly, is she bringing to the table that makes her such a catch: two teenagers who CBA to pull their weight; dodgy health; no career / low income; won’t even talk about issues that are impacting you...?

Tell me what the benefits are for you?

[BlueDahlia69]

Please...

Do not move in.

[Pyewackect]

RUN

[RantyAnty]

You are being used.
Do not move in.