Worried about moving in with my girlfriend and her kid.

[Worried198X]

Hi all,

I worried about moving in with my girlfriend and her kids

Do you want to spend more time cleaning up, more money on supporting her and her children, and have fewer nights when you get a good night's sleep?

If so, move in.

If not, take some power back. At the moment it sounds like she says "jump" and you ask "how high?". If you move in because she threatens you with dumping, you're telling her that she'll forever call the shots. Stay in your own place and scale back what you're already doing for her. You're a boyfriend / girlfriend, not a meal ticket.

I'd just dump them, personally. I hope you're not one of those people afraid to dump their partner in case they can't find anyone else. Dump her, enjoy the freedom and peace, and then find someone better. That's not much of a bar to clear.

I don’t know but if it doesn’t work out you can move in with me! I’d love someone to do all my DIY and washing up!!

Another one saying DO NOT MOVE IN and I too would end the relationship. Your lifestyles don't match, and nor do your parenting styles, mine certainly wouldn't with hers either, on both accounts.

There isn't a magic cure for his, she can't or won't see that her children are running amock, and it looks like she won't take any grief from you over it, so even if you try to change things she will defend them and they'll therefore have zero respect for you. The relationship will end in no time

I know it's a tough decision but I think you'd be bonkers to move in with things as they are, and she must see that too

How old are you both, out of interest?

You seem like a nice guy. I'd be running for the hills and looking for a partner who actually gives you something back.

You will never ever win this battle. Say you'll move in when the kids clean up after themselves and pull their weight in the home or when they've moved out. It's reasonable on your part.

Kids are at the bottom of all our fights and our 4 all pull their weight. But there are still enough issues for a packet of disagreements.

Tell her you will be happy to move in,,,, when both of her DC have moved out, this won't be long as they are teens and she's bringing them up to be independent hard workers who will be keen to move out and support themselves.

You're going to move in though, right? Can you explain more about that. I 100% would not move in to someone's home whose kids are lazy, stroppy and create mess and extra work for me. I wouldn't continue seeing someone who "called me all the names under the sun." I don't think my stardards are particularly high. Why are yours so low?
Take everyone's advice. Tell her you won't be moving in and why.
I doubt she'll drop you. Who will do her DIY?
But maybe you could meet someone who appreciates you. Someone who is on the same page with regards a home.

52Worried198X
I would love to see a response from you.

Are you listening OP?

I think you've already been taken for a mug. Stop now

Hi all,

thank you very much for all your replies and advice. I've decided I'm not moving in and that the relationship is over. To try to answer some of the questions over the last few pages.

I have spoken to my girlfriend calmly about these issues a numerous times and suggested ways she could make them start cleaning up after themselves and doing a bit more. to be honest its partly as I'm sick of doing it and partly as she is constantly doing it to the detriment to her health. She always says yeah I know but then does nothing and within a few weeks if we have an argument she is accusing me of having a go or insulting her children based on my suggestions.

I didn't want to move in yet (for reasons outlined in OP) but I was told if I didn't move in asap it was over. I was also told a real man would have stepped up by now and suggested adopting her children. She has also constantly telling me I should be contributing financially to her household. I agree with that but I do in what I bring and I also pay for holidays for her and before covid payed around 70% of the cost for her and the kids to go abroad twice for a week. She seems to completely ignore all this and calls me mean and stingy a few times a year and says its a mans job to provide.

I drive everywhere we need to go, the very rare time she drives us (about once every 6 months) she generally gets annoyed with it and says I want a woman to drive me around the whole time. She also says I should be driving her son to soccer on Sunday mornings (he's been going since before I met her).

There's load more but now that I write it out I can't believe I put up with this for so long. I guess i was just lonely but enough is enough. I'm no angel and have our faults but I've really tried to help her and her kids as much as I can but anything I do is never enough and there;s always something more she wants that I don't do and I get given out to over that. Sorry for the long post but all the messages here and just thinking about it made me realise this isn't for me.

Sounds like she's using you I don't blame you for ending it.

Thank bleeding christ.

She's totally took you for a mug. She wants a provider and a dad. If you moved in I guarantee that not only would you take on the household costs, but most of the housework as well.

You sound nice, find someone worthy of that rather than a user.

Just read the post, I'm so glad you've decided to not move in and no longer be made a mug off. If you live with someone yes of course you have to financially contribute, but you don't live with her! By the sounds of it you do more than enough to help and she's taking the piss out of you. Also they are not your children, why should you be taking him to football and paying for their holiday etc. Honestly it sounds like your well rid. If you get treated like this now can you imagine how awful your life would be if you actually moved in with them. At least now you have your own place and get away from it. Stay where you are, let someone else run around after them and financially support her, I'm guessing she won't get lucky again. Good luck with it all.

I’m sorry, that must sting a bit. She just saw you as a meal ticket.

Thank god you realised in time.

There are plenty of nice women out there so you have options in the future. You sound like a nice guy. It will work out for the best.

Don’t engage when you get the phone call from her next week about how much she misses you etc. This will be more like how much she misses the services and money that come with you, chauffeur services, builder services, cleaning services, takeaways etc. Or there may be some drama that only you can help with “my shelves have fallen down” or “I need you to take the dog to the vet” or somesuch. Don’t engage. There are joiners and taxis available and she will be making it up to reel you in. She’s shown you who she is. A money grabber. You’ve done the right thing.

You have made the right decision. Her threat if you don't move in is all you need to know about her to be honest!

You are perfectly reaonable to not want to live like pigs. I would not be able to tolerate that set up either.

Well done. Bullet dodged.

Now would be a good time to reflect further on why you put up with this for so long. Maybe take a break from dating and speak to a counsellor. Invest in yourself, perhaps a hobby you've neglected, friends, your own DIY projects?

I am pleased for you as she is a major user from your description and you seem a nice person and far from stingy. Not all women are like this so hopefully you will find a lovely new girlfriend in the future.

You’ll meet someone new. She wasn’t treating you properly at all.

Christ, red flags all over the place.

DO NOT MOVE IN.

She doesn't respect you. She hasn't brought her own kids up to act responsibly but has a go at you if you bring this up? F that.

Good decision, OP. But no one ‘takes you for a mug’ — that is a decision you make. No one was forcing you at gunpoint to do unfair amounts of chores or to drive everywhere or to deal with inconsiderate children or a demanding, unreasonable partner who is unable to provide for her own children and is looking for a man who will — you chose that, because you were lonely and thought it was worth it. Are you quite young and/or inexperienced in relationships?

Don’t make that mistake again.

Sorry, just read your last post.

also constantly telling me I should be contributing financially to her household

Wow. She was really doing you for a number.

You sound like a decent person. I hope you realise this and meet someone who deserves you.

Onwards and upwards, look after yourself.

if she wants progression then she needs to do some actions in order to enable that to happen! she needs to make the household environment a place that works for everyone that will be living in it, if she wants that to happen she needs to put in place expectations for the kids etc.
But if you cant even bring up something like the kids doing dishes without her going mad then it doesnt bode well - you will never be able to voice an opinion about anything!

So pleased you've made the right decision. Keep reading back on here if you have a wobble or she tries to draw you back in. My bet is that she's going to miss what you did for her massively. Her cushy life is over. She might try all sorts to win you back.
Can't believe her wanting you to adopt her kids! She saw you as a meal ticket unfortunately.
You sound like a lovely bloke so I'm sure you'll find someone worthy of you. Spend time catching up with your own life for a while first.

@CervixHaver in Ireland we call Cupboards Presses. dont ask me where is came from. For example an airing cupboard is called a hot press.
With regards to the OP am sorry this is not going to work delighted to read in your last post you are not going to move in. She comes across as a user and you will never be respected by her kids. This is a blessing in disguise. The right women is out there for you