Waited so long for a proposal it's put me off marriage

[sunflower1201]

Been together nearly 7 years, dragged his feet all the way and I was even told I had 'put him off' by trying to talk about it so much. Even I've gone off the idea now, can't face the rejection any more. Has anyone else been in this situation and what did you do?

I was with someone for 7 years. He’d talk about marriage and would talk about life “when we’re married”. We were out with friends one night and he got down on one knee and took hold of my hand as if he was about to propose then burst out laughing and said he was just joking. This was in public and I felt so humiliated and hurt I just went home. Within months I cut my losses and left him. He cried and couldn’t understand why.
Shortly after I met now DH who swept me off my feet and proposed within the year (which I wasn’t expecting!).

Go with your gut. Life is short.

Actions speak louder than words. Anyone can say "I love you" but what does it mean if they don't want to work with you to meet your goals in life?

The first time my bf and I discussed getting married was the day we decided to do it. Immediately arranged to visit both sets of patents to let them know. There was no proposal, no wait for another discussion. Yes we were older than you but only by a few years.

You sound very passive and dependent on him. He repeatedly dismisses you - you can't get married, get your own place etc. There's no way I would let someone stand in the way of my hopes and dreams like that.

There are other men out there. He may or may not be your best friend, but you don't want a best friend, you want a husband. Go and find one before it's too late. 7 years will soon be 10, 15 etc.

Personally I don't understand why young people stay with a partner for years and years when their life isn't moving in the direction they want. What is the point, other than fear of the unknown?

I'm recently engaged after 9 years together. I don't think it's the amount of time that's the issue it's his attitude. It should be something you both want not something that's just to keep you quiet. I knew my partner was afraid to propose but never doubted his commitment to me.

Thank you, yes my self esteem is pretty dismal. I got very drunk a few weeks ago and he said all I did was talk about how worthless I was and how he could do so much better than me. Pretty mortified the next day as I don't remember at all but it's the truth. I genuinely feel like there must be something wrong with me that's not worth marrying and i know that's on me, he always tells me he loves me.

Cross posted with you OP. I'm really sorry to hear this but it's not surprising that your self esteem is this low when his words are not matched by actions. He tells you he loves you but he is happy to keep you in limbo knowing that you want to move forward to the next stage of the relationship.

If moving out is the death of your relationship then it will be because he couldn’t be arsed to fight for you. Do you want to settle for someone who can’t be arsed?

Thank you, yes my self esteem is pretty dismal. I got very drunk a few weeks ago and he said all I did was talk about how worthless I was and how he could do so much better than me. Pretty mortified the next day as I don't remember at all but it's the truth. I genuinely feel like there must be something wrong with me that's not worth marrying and i know that's on me, he always tells me he loves me

The only thing wrong with you is him.

Some people just don't want to get married or its not top of their priorities, it doesn't mean they are any less committed. My 2 closest friends are in long term relationships with children, one of them her partner told her he didn't want to get married, she was happy to just be in a committed relationship and they now have 2 children & have been together 17 years. And the other was with her partner for 14 years when he proposed to her on Xmas day, she'd given up thinking he would, but she never doubted that he loved her.

Thank you, yes my self esteem is pretty dismal. I got very drunk a few weeks ago and he said all I did was talk about how worthless I was and how he could do so much better than me. Pretty mortified the next day as I don't remember at all but it's the truth. I genuinely feel like there must be something wrong with me that's not worth marrying and i know that's on me, he always tells me he loves me.

This is heartbreaking. Seriously. The actual truth is, YOU can do so much better than him - in his twenties, can't save up for a £100 engagement ring and lives with his parents!!!

He's made you believe you aren't worth marrying. He tells you he loves you - words are worthless. What are his actions saying? You say he's unsure - he's not unsure. He's absolutely sure he doesn't want to marry you, or he would have by now. As someone else says, if you stay with him this level of apathy will be what you'll have to put up with forever.

Google the sunken costs fallacy. Just because you've been with him 7 years, it doesn't mean you have to spend any more time trying to persuade this man to show you he loves you. A man who loves you will make damn sure you know it.

@CorianderBee

Just tell him. You're pregnant and you want to get married. If he's not willing to then it's showing you he doesn't love you. Say you'd like to be engaged within a year.

Sorry I didn't mean lie and say you're pregnant I thought I read that you were but think that might have been a PP

@osbertthesyrianhamster

I'll never understand people who give away all their agency and power in a relationship waiting for someone else to provide them what they want in life.

I'd have left years ago. Not interested in marrying someone who doesn't want to marry me.

As for putting off kids for some boyfriend, nope.

This, with great big feminist bells on.

It"s nice that your family like him but you are the one who isn't happy and uts not about them. My mum adored my ex bf. She assumed we would marry and commented on how I was going to marry someone like my dad. In the end, I didn't feel he was right for me and broke it off. My mum later said it was such a shame he hadn't married me and I had to point out that I had been the one to end it. It was as if she thought I felt the same way as her. He was very charming and good company - all my friends liked him - but they didn't see other aspects of his personality which were only apparent when we were alone (he wasn't abusive, just had qualities I couldn't respect and wasn't as much fun as he appeared superficially.)

Don't rely on what family and friends think - they don't feel what you feel and your feelings are perfectly valid.

Re self worth. A man who loves you should make you feel like the best version of yourself, not "pretty dismal".

@sunflower1201

Ladies who ended up ending their relationship, how did he react? Because when I have talked about ending the relationship in the past he has been genuinely upset. I have known him long enough to know that he was genuinely hurt and devastated at the thought which makes it more confusing. I don't feel like it was a fake reaction

OP, of course he'd be devastated at the thought of losing the life HE is perfectly happy with. He is only thinking of himself and his cushy situation here.

Oh, and I broke off an engagement with a man/boy who was devastated at the thought of me being upset at all the emotional (and probably physical) affairs he kept having. It made him terribly sad that his actions made me sad. Poor lamb

It was hideous for me of course and I've never felt that awful before or since (now married for 10 years). Breaking up and moving on was the right thing to do though.

The difference between the posters saying they waited as long/longer for a proposal is that they seem to have been joint decisions. OP has asked and explained how much it means to her, but he isn't willing to budge. That's the problem.

I was in a very similar situation until recently. Almost 7years together, before we split. I had pushed to move in together after 2 years (him leaving his parents to do so), and he sulked for 3 months before "getting used to it". I should have left then tbh. After a couple of years living together, we had enough for a deposit on a house, but it took nearly two years before he would start looking with me. Long story short, I we eventually found a house (that I put my foot down about because he was so bloody picky) and it felt wrong. He wasn't excited and everything felt hard work. I looked back over the relationship and realised that I was stupidly letting him get away with dictating my day to day life because I was feeling guilty for pushing him into relationship decisions. But actually he should be as excited as me about doing these things.

We talked, and he admitted that he felt I "pushed him into things and that it was never enough and I would always want more". And that is true: I also wanted marriage and children. But I also realised that I wasn't a bad or unreasonable person for wanting these things, neither was he for not wanting them. But we could not make each other happy long term, even though we got on so well on other levels. I left. It's hard, but even after a few months I knew it was the right thing to do.

Oh and I am early thirties. My advice would be to think hard about your future while you have time.

He's not the one for you. Don't tie yourself to such a drag.

Ex was upset - but I’d made everything so easy for him. He could come and go when he liked, food and sex on tap, no additional cost, no commitment. I’m not sure he was upset about me leaving him so much as his cushy number had been whipped from under him.

Suddenly he would have to make an effort with someone else, make plans to go out and meet people, live at home with his parents and had no free and easy sex.

@ShesMadeATwatOfMePam

Thank you, yes my self esteem is pretty dismal. I got very drunk a few weeks ago and he said all I did was talk about how worthless I was and how he could do so much better than me. Pretty mortified the next day as I don't remember at all but it's the truth. I genuinely feel like there must be something wrong with me that's not worth marrying and i know that's on me, he always tells me he loves me.

This is heartbreaking. Seriously. The actual truth is, YOU can do so much better than him - in his twenties, can't save up for a £100 engagement ring and lives with his parents!!!

He's made you believe you aren't worth marrying. He tells you he loves you - words are worthless. What are his actions saying? You say he's unsure - he's not unsure. He's absolutely sure he doesn't want to marry you, or he would have by now. As someone else says, if you stay with him this level of apathy will be what you'll have to put up with forever.

Google the sunken costs fallacy. Just because you've been with him 7 years, it doesn't mean you have to spend any more time trying to persuade this man to show you he loves you. A man who loves you will make damn sure you know it.

Actions speak louder than words a lot of the time. I'd end this relationship, cut your losses and find someone who values you.

There's no reason to waste more time with someone who's dragging his feet. His actions absolutely show he doesn't want to marry you.

And since he doesn't want to marry you, don't have DC with this man. Women take a major hit in terms of careers and security when they have DC, and you will be very vulnerable if you have DC when novt married.

Have a read of this, see how much rings a bell: victimfocusblog.com/2021/04/18/15-signs-youre-in-a-relationship-with-a-manbaby

The first time my bf and I discussed getting married was the day we decided to do it. ... There was no proposal, no wait for another discussion

Yup. Me too.

Time to put yr big girl pants on, and move on.

Have you thought that he makes you fee worthless?

I didn’t get together with my now husband for ages cos he said he didn’t want marriage and kids. I did so I said I wouldn’t even go out with him. Years later we got together and I laid it on the line- I still wanted marriage and it was non negotiable. Been married nearly 2 years now and even though we didn’t live together till we had been married a year, due to work, it still didn’t kill it and he is the light of my life and would make vom noises if he heard me say that

If you are meant to be together then a break from his comfort zone won’t kill it. Right now there’s no incentive for him to change the inertia because he is happy and gets what he wants. He needs a bit of discomfort. And you deserve better than waiting around for him.

Sorry I also believe in the 3 year rule. I'm 48 and I've seen it play out to be true time and again.

Men who are genuinely interested in committing to you don't drag their heels, make excuses and string you along.

Cut your losses and move on while you have no strings to him

As for the pp who's now pregnant I hope to god you do all you can to protect yourself and your child as that guy has nothing to make him act responsibly towards you both. Certainly don't go part time or become a Sahm because you are very vulnerable

A best friend wouldn't let you waste your time like this. He sounds immature and lazy

Save for a ring? Is he working op?

He's a Peter Pan happy with no responsibilities yep!

Would you actually WANT to be legally and financially tied to someone like that forever? Would you want your kids to inherit that gene?

Excellent point

but he promised we would move forward and he would not take me for granted.

Words are cheap! Actions are what matters. If he was genuine he would have proposed and actively planned a wedding then

I would not be at all surprised to learn he's an unemployed dope head

It's amazing how many men just like this get married really quickly to the next woman they date.

Yep and have dc quickly too - see it allllll the time

he always tells me he loves me. Again- words are cheap

Is he going to make a good husband - and by good I mean, one who will meet your needs, grow with you, be your support through the bad times, be a source of fun and joy through the good times?

Is he likely to be the type of father you want for your children? Will he be a good parenting partner for you?

If deep down he can be that for you, then you need to decide how long you are prepared to wait for him. Actually put a date on it.

If you want kids then you do have to plan a timeline a little. What is your cut off age for having kids? And then work backwards a little for how long it might take to find, date, marry, conceive with someone new. Find that date (and my advice is add a year to that)

You don't have to give him an ultimatum. You don't have to even tell him your timeline. You just need to make the decision for yourself and take actions for yourself. It will change the power dynamic from you depending on his timeline to you running your life on yours.

You might decide to tweak your finances and savings, you might decide that there's a date you'll definitely move out if nothing changes.

This kind of approach works best without a specifically issued ultimatum because it's action rather than threats. It might be that he notices the change in you and asks what's up - at that point you could calmly talk about your plans for your future - where you see yourself at what dates and see if he stretches himself to meet you where you are going.

You might have to accept though that he can't grow-up enough to be there for you.

If it feels wrong it IS wrong.
He's wasting the best years of your life and you're letting him.
Take back control of your own destiny and dump him because he is wasting your life. It's not uncommon - lots of men keep girls dangling to suit their own selfish needs until the right one eventually comes along.
It will be hard but you can do it and it will be so worth it in the long-run to cut this dead-weight user free.