Rich Man Mean?

[247]

Had a crappy long and drawn out debate with DH in which it is very obvious we have quite different values. Since he is the breadwinner then I guess I have to accept it, but boy I am not happy. DH had nothing when i met and married him but we were happy and in love, isnt that the most important thing. Anyway, the years have gone by, 20 to be exact and he is now rich. We have a 2£m home, DCs in private ed, expensive cars etc, successful business etc, but we do not live an expensive lifestyle, ie lots of holidays, designer gear, trips out etc. I just happened to mention that DD would like (has not asked and never does) 3 expensive items including a handbag. Now she is only 13 and he has a problem with the fact a) she does not need a handbag b) she should not be wearing any designer clothes and c) if he lets have have these things she will be spoilt! I just don't get it, she is not a brat, never asks for anythingand more often than not wears quite cheap clothes. Whats his problem. I told him if I had money I would like my family to have the finest of everything. Now I know that is not the main focus in life but surely it would be a different matter and I was asking for stuff that we cannot afford. Am i so very wrong. Opions please, but please don't slate me. I grew up with not much at all and we have made a lot of sacrifices to be where we are now, 20yrs down the line should we not be enjoying the fruits of our labour?

xenia, i usually disagree with you, but i agree will all your last post except the first line.

our worth is not defined by money. thank god.

247, you contradict yourself. on the one hand you say farque the £2mil house. on the other you want a higher allowance and designer clothes for your dcs.

what do you REALLY want?

Nobody is teaching the children that women are inferior because the man gives money and pays for everything. The children want and need thier mother to be home for them, god knows the father isn't. And by not working does not mean the wife/mother is inferior, raising happy well adjusted children with morals and principles are far more important than making the most money possible. Life is about health, happiness and love, not providing grand houses and assets.

Warthog, with respect, I think you are missing the point. No I don't care about living in a 32m house, I couldn't care less because at the end of the day I have to clean the dam thing and I am the only one who spends any considerable time in it. I am not saying I WANT designer clothes for my DC, my DS wears them all the time, DD wears whatever takes her fancy, usually the likes of New Look. Yes I would like a much larger allowance PURELY because he is so dam rich it would not be an issue or dent the bank balance but I could, inbetween scrubbing the dam floors, have a better time myself. No I do not think I should go out and earn it, as I said before, my prioirty in life is raising my DC, and running the home, HOWEVER, given the fact he earns so much then why ever not have a more luxurious time.

well, i think if you had more money to spend, you wouldn't be satistfied. you'd use retail therapy as a substitute for what you're hankering after: a meaningful family life with a husband who wants to spend time with you.

i think you should take steps to make that happen, rather than chase this superficial mirage.

ouch!

see, the thing that gets me is your dh makes out that material objects aren't what one should strive for, but by his actions blatantly shows otherwise. he's a hypocrit.

sorry, that was a bit strong...

You know using finances to exert control over someone is a form of abuse.

The idea that appears to be springing up here that it's somehow unreasonable for 247 to want to be an equal financial partner in her marriage is just astonishing to me.

I kind of agree with you warthog, the trouble for 247 I would imagine is that she cant make it happen alone.

you're absolutely right b&f. but we don't have both sides of the story. does the dh acknowledge that there are problems? can he see that something needs to change?

247, my earlier post was way out of line. i'm really sorry - i don't know anything about your relationship so i'm certainly not in a position to make wild statements about it.

warthog, elizabetth and bickleandflip, YOU ARE ALL RIGHT>

I have and continue to do so - use retail therapy as a substitute for his time and affection but true. Yes he knows I am unhappy with our relationship, I have told him a few times since summer but nothing has changed, its like oh get immersed in work, it'll blow over, either that or he really doesn't care, the latter of which, deep down I don't belive is true.

I believe he cant change - how can he? It would take a very strong man having some kind of epiphany to say 'all this means nothing if it affects our relationship, lets give it away and live simply' not. going. to. happen.

Why? Because we all strive to provide for our children and for financial security and once you have it (and then some) I imagine it would feel like madness to give it up for the sake of some pesky emotions...

Indeed

obviously not saying that is understandable or conducive to a good relationship but I do believe this maybe the mindset of people such as your dh and mine.

If you believe the relationship is salvageable at all, which you seem to, then I think its going to be a case of establishing how little love and affection you can get by on unfortunately IYSWIM (as long as you are secure in the knowledge that he does love and care for you but just is completely rubbish at showing that softer more vulnerable side of himself) so that you can enjoy the relationship at some level and also the very priviledged set-up that you have - by that I mean no financial worry.

It sounds like a poor deal if I am honest, but I think if he gave you just a little more of the attention that you crave, you would feel so much more valued.

I dont buy into Xenia stance about we are valued by our earning power etc.

By poor deal I mean my suggestion in my previous post (22.54.14) not your current situation BTW

Yes I know but I just long to be held and feel loved instead of all this. After 20yrsto feel like this is soul destrying

Oh dear.

Your DH's objections sound quite sensible to me. Call me sanctimonious but I agree that fripperies and designer this and that really shouldn't be encouraged. Ditto piercings and tattoos.

I also sympathise with the breadwinner not wanting to have money thrown away with the consequent damaging effect of a poor example for the children.

But the stuff about control and empowerment is awful too. I don't want to turn this into a sahm/wohm debate but it's what can happen when women don't have their own economic muscle.

Which brings me to my perennial solution - can you really not get a job? Even a part-time one? Then you'd be able to pay a cleaner yourself, and maybe then you could spend a bit on fripperies ....

If you used to have a loving relationship as opposed to the almost business like set-up you have at the minute (ie the house is your 'department') then I think there is hope. He just needs perhaps to be motivated to remember how you BOTH got where you are now and rekindle his interest in his family life and more specifically, you.

Oh dear indeed Quattro, the thread has kind of moved on from that kind of post.

i'm so sorry.

i don't believe that he can't change. he didn't used to be like this. people have epiphanies all the time, where they realise what the important things in life are.

will he (and you) consider relate?

what happens on weekends? does he work all weekend? do you watch tv when you're together?

What is so very sad about this is that he almost died last year, he had a 48 hr period where he had a 20% chance of survival. All that did was drive him even further into his business. Feel like I am always holding on the the remaining shreds