Rich Man Mean?

[247]

Had a crappy long and drawn out debate with DH in which it is very obvious we have quite different values. Since he is the breadwinner then I guess I have to accept it, but boy I am not happy. DH had nothing when i met and married him but we were happy and in love, isnt that the most important thing. Anyway, the years have gone by, 20 to be exact and he is now rich. We have a 2£m home, DCs in private ed, expensive cars etc, successful business etc, but we do not live an expensive lifestyle, ie lots of holidays, designer gear, trips out etc. I just happened to mention that DD would like (has not asked and never does) 3 expensive items including a handbag. Now she is only 13 and he has a problem with the fact a) she does not need a handbag b) she should not be wearing any designer clothes and c) if he lets have have these things she will be spoilt! I just don't get it, she is not a brat, never asks for anythingand more often than not wears quite cheap clothes. Whats his problem. I told him if I had money I would like my family to have the finest of everything. Now I know that is not the main focus in life but surely it would be a different matter and I was asking for stuff that we cannot afford. Am i so very wrong. Opions please, but please don't slate me. I grew up with not much at all and we have made a lot of sacrifices to be where we are now, 20yrs down the line should we not be enjoying the fruits of our labour?

"he already sees me as materialistic and ungrateful, selfish, unsupportive"

It's projection - he's describing himself. A man who wants a £2m house, a Range Rover, an aeorplane and Armani suits is materialistic. A man who doesn't appreciate his wife's work and gives her a pittance to keep the whole family going (and has the cheek to call it her "allowance" when it appears she's not allowed anything) is ungrateful. A man who spends over 12 hours a day at work pursuing success and wealth at the expense of his family is selfish.

He claims its all for the children, I disagree, children need love and nurturing surrounded by family. You know I would give this all up tomorrow if it would change his piggish attitude. Some very interesting points Elizabetth. I feel very sure he is insecure and throws himself into work, it is there he can control everyone 100%, he tries to here as well until I frequently tell him "don't speak to me like that, I'm not one of your workers", not that he should speak to anyone with less than 100% respect BUKWIM. He is always slagging people off and calling them names to me, it drags me down.

I just don't agree that the person who earns the money can't have it. As the much higher earner who had to pay a fortune out of my money to him on the divorce when he hadn't earned it I think it's really really unfair that there's this idea that the person who hasn't earned the money gets it. Why not just go out and earn what you like and if you can't earn to support what you want lower your expectations? The problem here is a woman expecting to live off male earnings which is an invidious immoral position to be in.

you've hit the nail on the head 247, it is about their self-esteem to a degree in that belittling others (or making them feel inferior) helps boost them up and they are so used to yes-men and sycophancy that we are probably the only people who tell it like it is and wont concede to their patronising ways.

Oh 247, in some ways it is good to know I'm not the only one but I feel they will never change - all the money in the world wont make them feel any more worthy - so we get the backlash, do you know what I mean?

He is also a boy racer and swears a lot . We always fight in the car as I am terrified of his driving,then I get it in the neck for saying anything. Have asked him to stop swearing but he continues and says things like I am in my own home and if I can't feel feel comfortable here then where can I sort of thing. He deals with people who swear all the time but that is just another issue where he has lack of respect for me. He doesn't do it infront of the children or most other people BTW. Manipulation is his 2nd name, oops sorry I mean 3rd, God is his 2nd

And whilst I am out earning my own money Xenia, WHO exactly is raising my children, running the home and ensuring DH does'nt have to worry about ANYTHING except growing his empire. We didn't have children for them to be farmed out or looked after by 3rd parties and we ONLY had children WHEN we could afford for me to stop work and raise them.

oh no it gets worse! Thankfully dh isnt a boy racer although he has had ridiculously fast cars and doesnt swear excessively although he does break wind more than is natural or necessary and I dont know about your dh but mine and my friends - you know - the 'failure' are almost unbelievably immature at home. As if they have to be ultra responsible at work and revert to childhood as soon as they come through the front door!

"The problem here is a woman expecting to live off male earnings which is an invidious immoral position to be in."

The problem here is a man exploiting a woman's labour and expecting her to be grateful for it.

Do you not think that marriage is a partnership Xenia?

The more I read, the more concerned I become for you, 247. THis is the sort of man who will look at you one day, decide you've 'let yourself go' and dump you for a younger woman in designer clothing. I would really, strongly advise you to consult a solicitor as it sounds like he has carefully and deliberately made sure that you own nothing, that you have not contributed to the mortgage and that your name is not on the house deeds.

Madamez,I am very much on the house deeds. He already told me long long ago that I would be very rich if he either died or we divorced. I don't know why you think he may one day 'decide I have let myself go', on the contrary, I am incredibly well groomed and pride myself on the fact I am 50+ and look so darn good.

Funny you should say that Madamez, but i was going to suggest that this man sounds so unloving, that he may well be maintaining a mistress somewhere and just waiting for the opportune moment to leave.

Then you won't have a choice, 247, these decisions are made unilaterally and without negotiation.

I'd suggest Relate if I were you. It sounds like he doesn't respect you. Together, you and he are teachcing your DS not to respect his future wife, and your handbag-hankering DD not to expect respect from her future husband. Everything else is detail.

I disagree about the mistress, that is pure conjecture!

These men can barely maintain one relationship let alone two - to be dramatic - work is their mistress!

Hi Five binkleandflip - EXACTLY

"He already told me long long ago that I would be very rich if he either died or we divorced."

Well he's keeping you poor whilst he's alive. I just think that's so unfair on you. Also, I wouldn't take his word for it. Sorry, but the way you've described him he sounds like he wouldn't be above lying to you.

I hope we're being overly-paranoid on your behalf, 247 but it would probably be a really good idea to pin him down on the finances.

Yes I hear you loud and clear Elizabetth, I must be so niaive, I just don't think of the points you have been making. What do you make of this BTW, he NEVER calls me by my name or any other sort of pet name either, I do find that very odd and have told him lots of times I think it is rude. I always use a sweet pet name for him. Tried being like him, calling him nothing but just talking to/at him but I can't keep it going, it is far to rude.

Blimey. I agree with elizabetth, it sounds very unfair. I do think marriage is a partnership and the dh is this case woudn't have been able to earn the money he had without 247's support in bringing up children etc.

And in the case of many high profile divorces, i.e. Ray Parlour, the judge agreed. Your dh needs reminding of that imo 247

I'm also concerned that he buys designer clothes for your DS but forbids them for your DD. THis sounds very much like a man who thinks females are inferior, and is teaching both your children that boys matter more than girls.

I personally think that girls can be fashionable very cheaply whereas boys tend to need to be seen to be wearing the latest in label in order to fit in. That's not a new thing IMO so maybe that vibe is coming from the female members of the household ie we dont have to wear designer stuff to look good (but it'd be nice occasionally lol)

I don't think you're naive 247. It's just easier to see these things from the outside. He also sounds like a very dominant controlling man for whom it is very important that things go exactly his way - that's very hard to stand up against.

The thing about him not calling you by your name or a pet name is just really horrible - like you said, it's rude. There's a really good book, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans which describes behaviour that sounds like your husband's, which you might find worth reading. Verbal abuse doesn't have to be name calling, it can be general disrespect, refusal to engage, dismissal or mocking of someone's feelings. It is soul-destroying however.

DH doesn't buy designer clothes for DS, I do, purely because he looks so smart and lovely and no offence to anyone, but I hate character clothing or next etc. He does not favour DS over DD he just doesn't want her wearing some of the designer stuff that the trailer trash wear, I understand that. I paid £160 for a party dress for her and he had no complaints, its suitable, not tarty and she looks lovely

247 you say that you would never leave him because of the children, but what kind of an example do you think he sets them? I would not want my dh treating me like that full stop, let alone modelling that behaviour in front of the children.

I would not have such a relationship with any man for a £2m house I'm afraid.

I dont want the bl*y 2£m house

They're teaching the children women are inferior by having a woman who earns nothing and is just given money by a man. If the woman earned as much they'd all be happier.

But getting away from that point I hadn't really read the rest of the thread. I don't think money has much to do with this at all. It's just about how a couple are getting on or not getting on. There is obviously an argument taht women without work whose children are growing up then get bored because there's no purpose to their life and they want more romance or something to fill the void.One answer is to build a business more successful than his. That would show him and you'd probably find it was quite fun too!

It's impossible to say from seeing one side on line who is right or wrong but clearly you're not happy with him. So the starting point to sort that out is some counselling for yourself alone, then try to talk to him about what you're not happy about or picking some other interests that will mean it is less of a problem.

I felt my ex husband was abusive etc but you don't always realise when you're in those kinds of relationships until someone points it out.

People only think women are inferior if they devalue traditional unpaid women's work and overvalue the paid work that men do (and overreward themselves for).

A person's value does not depend on their earning power.