Rich Man Mean?

[247]

Had a crappy long and drawn out debate with DH in which it is very obvious we have quite different values. Since he is the breadwinner then I guess I have to accept it, but boy I am not happy. DH had nothing when i met and married him but we were happy and in love, isnt that the most important thing. Anyway, the years have gone by, 20 to be exact and he is now rich. We have a 2£m home, DCs in private ed, expensive cars etc, successful business etc, but we do not live an expensive lifestyle, ie lots of holidays, designer gear, trips out etc. I just happened to mention that DD would like (has not asked and never does) 3 expensive items including a handbag. Now she is only 13 and he has a problem with the fact a) she does not need a handbag b) she should not be wearing any designer clothes and c) if he lets have have these things she will be spoilt! I just don't get it, she is not a brat, never asks for anythingand more often than not wears quite cheap clothes. Whats his problem. I told him if I had money I would like my family to have the finest of everything. Now I know that is not the main focus in life but surely it would be a different matter and I was asking for stuff that we cannot afford. Am i so very wrong. Opions please, but please don't slate me. I grew up with not much at all and we have made a lot of sacrifices to be where we are now, 20yrs down the line should we not be enjoying the fruits of our labour?

weekends he is always home and in the garden with DS and or DD. To be honest I dont sit around and watch tv much, we usually go out to eat at weekends. He just treats me like a sister/aunt whatever.

do you think he's doing this to make sure he can provide for you should anything happen to him? or is he work obsessed for the sake of what he's trying to achieve rather than the money?

247, if almost dying didnt realign his priorities then what will?

If you still have love for one another then you have to find common ground. At the moment you have allowed yourselves to be boxed off from each other - him with his work and you with the home. You can but try to remind him that there used to be a couple at the centre of all that.

I feel for you I really do you know that. I need to go to bed in a mo but am thinking of you

we did the relate thing a few yrs back when he was all for packing up and leaving, said he didnt love me. I had had PND for a few yrs. He obviously didn't go and I guess I have been here waiting for hime to 'come back to me' and in the meantime afraid to get close to him. Its all been so painful, if I am honest, I cry just about everyday as I remember when we were in love and I want it bac, we have everything else except each other. Sorry all my probs are coming out now.

He sounds terrified - of losing everything - like someone who can never have enough

poor you

and poor him too (not excusing his behaviour at all)

does he know how badly you want your marriage to work?

there is hope. he is still with you. you still love him. but i think you need professional help.

he says stuff like I dont love him as I never give him attention, truth is I am scared of getting close because I scared to feel as I did when he wanted to go. He reckons I have hurt him too and he has a barrier up. Whenever we argue and I say anything he ALWAYS says things like 'why are you here' 'why don't you go' that makes it even harder for me to relax and show any emotion towards him

am going to bed now too, thank you for listening

oh 247, you poor thing. You sound so lonely and confused.

You started this thread asking for advice about buying a handbag and it's really brought up some difficult issues.

You've had some really great advice on this thread. I just wanted to add my voice to warthogs - don't just accept that this is all you can look forward to. It's obviously making you sad and must be gradually eroding your sense of self worth to be in a marriage where you don't feel valued and appreciated.

You seem sure that there is still love there somewhere on your husband's part and you love him. I think the recommendation to go for counselling is excellent (couples if he'll go, individual if he won't).

I also think madamez was right - it does sound like he is organising his finances in a way that disadvantages you and may leave you in difficulties later on. This is not his money to hide from you. Please get some professional advice about that situation and get it sorted.

it's so hard. you've both got barriers up. but if you want to save your marriage you are going to have to trust each other and take them down.

at one time you loved him enough to commit to him for the rest of your life. you're in a rocky patch at the moment, but you CAN get out of it.

it won't take a week, but months of hard work. start going out without the kids. do little things that show you care like holding his hand at an unexpected time. it's possible he may spurn you for a bit, until he realises you're not out to hurt him.

at the same time, skidoodle is right. you do need to assert your rights wrt finances, but i'd sort out the fundamentals first. i think the miserly thing is linked to his emotional wellbeing.

I know he will do nothing to enhance our relationship, he just keeps busy with work, I have time to think and dwell on the probs which I know is not good. He truely believes he is doing a marvelous job providing for us, which he is so long as he has the final say. I just feel so drained. He doesnt really like many people and is always name calling, I wish he was a happy chap but he obviously isn't. He talks to me and calls everyone names, he drives the car and calls everyone else on the road bad names, oh I wish he could be proud and happy and satisfied with himself (and me).

Hello 247, I wish I knew what to say to you but your husband sounds like a very insecure man. With regards to the money situation - you mentioned yesterday you were going to the supermarket. Does DH give you housekeeping for this? Could you not skim a little off each week to help your circumstances?

oh god, 247, I am so sorry for you. It sounds like such an empty existence to be trapped in.

Maybe deep down, your dh does not feel worthy. Of your love, of his success. The problem is with him, HE has got to want to sort himself out and realise work and success is not a substitute for relationships.

What was his childhood like growing up? What is his relationship with his parents? Were they very critical?

He was quite spoiled actually but father worked away a lot. Rich family, servants, then events changed and he ended up as a teen with NOTHING and doesn't want to go there again, which I know would explain a lot of his holding tight of the £s. But that was years ago, and I guess he is harbouring all that hurt instead of enjoying the success he has made of life. There is no telling him though, he thinks he is bigger and better than everyone and doesn't need anyones advice/opinions . He is such a closed book it has taken yrs to actually recognise this.

Are is parents still living?

yes and they look scruffy and live a simple life. The good old days are very long gone.

Morning 247, so is it that he doesnt want to end up like his parents then? But, are they happy?

Guess they are ok, they live abroad so we only see them maby one every 18mths, he pays for them to visit (but not bus or 1st class you understand0 even though its a 6 hr flight and they are 70+ and he can afford it. He just, it would appear, does like like to spend money unnessecarily, whereas, if it were up to me, I would spend money to have nice things and enjoy it because I could afford it.

How rude of me, good morning to you too binkleandflip

I can understand in that way then that he wants to hold onto his money but there are ways that he can do this without comprising his family situation. My husband earns a decent wage but not a vast amount but he would give me his last penny. We have a joint account and I have my own account (I work around 18 hours a week) but he would not dream of asking how much I had although this money I earn does pay for the holidays - which he would not care if we did not have any and I spent it all on myself. But if I need to spend anything I either take it from the joint account or put it on the credit card which gets paid at the end of the month.

As Warthog says maybe you should try and gain his trust with little and often things like holding his hand or maybe putting your best outfit on and doing a candle lit dinner one night. Cheesy I know but it may work?

No its not cheesy. I cooked him a lovely dinner the other night (after the big upset) and got his favourite desert - not a word!!!!!!!!!!!!

therein lies the eternal problem. He wants to spend one way, you another, yet he holds the pursestrings so he decides.. obviously we've already established that isnt the best situation in a marriage but what to do...what to do...

Cant agree with the get a job thing - I dont believe it would boost your self-esteem because I think you're a pretty stronger woman already (you have to be to take on types like your dh and I should know) and financially it would be a drop dissapearing into the ocean so pointless on most levels.

I know it does not solve the problems but do you ever have access to his credit cards? Can you just not buy the odd thing for yourself every month and do it that way?

Yes, that sums it up binkleandflip, do you know, we saved up thousands ,when we were BOTH working, to pay for our ivf babies