Rich Man Mean?

[247]

Had a crappy long and drawn out debate with DH in which it is very obvious we have quite different values. Since he is the breadwinner then I guess I have to accept it, but boy I am not happy. DH had nothing when i met and married him but we were happy and in love, isnt that the most important thing. Anyway, the years have gone by, 20 to be exact and he is now rich. We have a 2£m home, DCs in private ed, expensive cars etc, successful business etc, but we do not live an expensive lifestyle, ie lots of holidays, designer gear, trips out etc. I just happened to mention that DD would like (has not asked and never does) 3 expensive items including a handbag. Now she is only 13 and he has a problem with the fact a) she does not need a handbag b) she should not be wearing any designer clothes and c) if he lets have have these things she will be spoilt! I just don't get it, she is not a brat, never asks for anythingand more often than not wears quite cheap clothes. Whats his problem. I told him if I had money I would like my family to have the finest of everything. Now I know that is not the main focus in life but surely it would be a different matter and I was asking for stuff that we cannot afford. Am i so very wrong. Opions please, but please don't slate me. I grew up with not much at all and we have made a lot of sacrifices to be where we are now, 20yrs down the line should we not be enjoying the fruits of our labour?

I agree she doesn't need expensive designer things - but nice thigs, when you are 13, is something you may want and that should be addressed. I don't think there's anything wrong with her wanting nice clothes and helping her choose some if you can afford them.

I'm sympathetic too because I once read an article about families where there is plenty of money but it's all controlled by the breadwinner (generally the man) and he decidedf the "allowance" and the woman tends to have far, far less disposable income than him. It sounds as if that's an issue in this marriage and 247 I think it might help to discuss this with DH aside from discussions about your DD.

If I lived in a £2m house, kids in private ed and posh car it wouldn't make me feel rich if I couldn't control my own money. Not that I'm not sensible, but I do like to buy frivolous once in a while, I like to buy things for DS sometimes that he doesn't strictly need, and I like to feel thef inancial situation between me and DP is fair - because otherwise resentment could build up.

am wondering why you are not addressing any of my questions?

i think Snowleaopard has nailed the situation really

you dont have to spend 10k on a horse (although you'll spend ten times that over its lifetime).

Why would you allow your son to wear designer gear also?? I think its unfair that they are allowed and she isn't, surely you cannot be serious about aht. But i am sorry but £500 on three bits of designer gear - that is waaaaaay over the top.

GET THE GIRL A BLOODY HORSE, she wont be worried about handbags then. I have never in my life owned a handbag, i just don't understand why anyone would want to pay more than £25 on one, let alone for a 13y old child.

Im actually serious about the horse, but only if she likes them, it teaches responsibility. I just think that children (girls AND boys) need to be taught that there is more to life than designer gear. Maybe all your daughters friends have designer gear because they have parents who are buying them off to make up for being shit parents. You dont need to do this, as you are blatantly a fantastic mum.

GET HER A HORSE

I'm just really p*d off becuase DH can afford the works and yes, left to me we would have the works. Why not, we've had times when we had nothing, contantly give lots to charity, its not like I am being selfish or even asking for myself. I don't do loads of stuff because my allowance does'nt afford it, yes it seems unfair but I don't go ranting ang raving about it. But for my children, YES I DO WANT THEM TO HAVE EVERYTHING>

am leaving this thread now, as i appear to be invisible

247 - discuss this with your DH , tell him how you feel, you clearly feel that he is leaving you short, treating you unfairly and being inequitable, you need to sort it with him

neighh

Get her a horse!
Get her a horse!
Get her a horse!

It's so character building. The responsibility of having to look after a living creature that depends on you for its needs, the partnership, working together to improve and overcome obstacles when they compete.

But DON'T buy a £10k horse - preferably get a loan arrangement for a schoolmaster. Plenty of time to move on to expensive beasts later - I've seen it so many times - wealthy parents buy expensive horse that is performing brilliantly for experienced rider, then it all ends in tears when the horse finds out it can get away with murder in inexperienced hands.

C'mon - answer the question...

By Lulumama on Mon 12-Nov-07 10:03:30
so what does DH think she should have for XMas?

Agree that at 13 your DD really doesn't need designer clothes or a handbag (a handbag? eh?), but shouldn't you and your DH be making thse decisions together. he shouldn't be dictating how yoyr soend your money. You are a married couple.

Also, why do you 'want your children to have everything'?

247, that wouldn't be doing your children any favours. They would grow up expecting everything and real life as an adult would be a horrible let-down. Whether you have money or not, I think it's important for kids not to have "everything" - but to learn to appreciate the value of things and have treats occasionally. Having everything leads to a joyless life - seriously. Look at Posh Spice.

BUT the inequalities in your marriage, financially and as relates to the different ways your DD and DS are treated - that might need some attention. It sounds as if your DH has all the power and you are kicking against that. But doing the earning shouldn't mean he has all the power. It's a partnership and you should make decisions together - have you pointed that out to him and what does he say?

what exactly is your allowance?? and what does your DH suggest for xmas??

I would be quite unhappy for my DD to grow up thinking that the man has to be the one doling out the money, or in fact earning it. It might be time you got a job 247, just to make a point.

I find the whole allowance thing a bit odd to be honest, joint accounts yes, although i'd still run it past DP if i were going to make a significant purchase (which for us at the moment is anything over a tenner - but hey, we are establishing a business so maybe i'll have all the fruits of our labour soon ) We dont currently have a joint account, as i am so bad with money i dont want it - but DP just gives me wht i need when i ask, and never makes me feel like i am asking if you see what i mean.

By LoveAngelGabriel on Mon 12-Nov-07 10:21:43
Also, why do you 'want your children to have everything'?

She wants her children to have everything because she has low self esteem and is living her life through them...

Shes not interested in horses. Yes I am probably buying into the 'material side of life' lulumama. I'm not deliberately ignoring you. Its true, me and DH do not get on very well, he pays me no attention whatsoever. I am sad, I am lonely and I focus on my DC. I guess I see it like this, if he doesnt give me his love then at least he can let me have material things. No it is not ideal and know I guess you are going to be on my back and say 'well leave', I still love him and I do not want to leave. I do not want to live without my children every other weekend when he would have access. Yes I am totally unhappy and I guess thats why this money thing has become a big issue. I don't want people telling me to move on.

Oh 247, I agree a job would be just the thing. Are your DCs both/all in school? Something part-time - you would have your own money - even just a bit of it - your own colleagues, it would help with the loneliness and the feeling that DH has all the power. It would help you be yourself outside the domestic situation. Have you thought about it?

Yes Snowleopard, I have thought about getting a job and it is very very much on my mind at the moment. This sounds really crass and I am only saying it because it is true, but I dont have time to work. I do the school run which takes over two hours per day and I live in an enormous house which I clean myself, I never get on top of it and he won't get a cleaner, he says if I want one then it has to come out of my allowance. The only other thing I do is go to the gym 3 times a week.

247 - i sympathise. I do because my DP is working pretty much 24/7 (pardon the pun) and i find it so hard being a SAHM, however i do take an active part in the business, im restricted as to how much involvement i can have just now as dd still very young but i certainly intend for it to be a joint partnership. I know how awful it is to be stuck at home all the time while DP is out working, i often feel resentful and frustrated. We dont have the same money issues as you do, there isnt any money so that solves that one I think it has been easy for both you and your DH to fall into this role, i dont see him as a sexist pig, although this situation is unacceptable.

I really do think you should get a job, for so many reasons. If you dont have children at home it shouldnt be too much of a problem. I dont mean stacking shelves, something challenging and rewarding, even if its voluntary to start with. If you need to retrain, do it - it will make so much difference to your self esteem, and as a stronger, more assertive woman i bet your DH will sit up and take notice.

ITs so east to jump on a femenist high horse about this, but perhaps your DH thinks he is doing a wonderful job providing all these lovely things for you and his children, it is easy to let the emotional side of things fall by the wayside. Take back hold of the reins of your life (pardon the furether horse analogy, can you tell i would quite like one!!) and prove to yourself that you are a woman of worth, your DH will be falling at your feet.

please excuse my rubbish spelling, i cant be arsed to change it im in a rush

247 I feel so sad for you . Your life is the epitome of 'money can't buy happiness', isn't it. You badly need something to enhance your feelings of self-worth. Even if you don't want paid employment, why not do some voluntary work? That would have the added benefit of allowing you to look at your life more objectively - maybe appreciating the material wealth that you do have - and allowing you to value your husband for who he is and move on in your relationship - not move out.

For anyone who asked, DH doesn't have any idea what to get DD for xmas, hence I suggested things I knew she would like and would last a considerable time. Fortyplus, you don't need to keep saying I have low self esteem. I have and your repeating sure as hell does not make me feel any better.

I think the phrase " I want my children to have everything" is actually the most worrying part of your whole situation.
A child who has everything values nothing, aspires to nothing, lacks challenge, lacks motivation and lacks any kind of self control or context.
I have the ability to give my children plenty but do not. That way lies disaster.
If your child does not want £500 worth of designer clothes then why are you not celebrating that rather than buying her crap to confirm the nonsense views of her apparently vapid friends ( and their ridiculous parents who have taught them to value this'stuff').
Perhaps you should look at the group she moves in - it is not a private school thing as two of my DC's are in private schools and they do not have this perspective. Not sure about a horse but certainly I would drop the designer clthes option and find her something more valuable in the important ways.She sounds lovely [smile}.
How old is younger son who wears lacoste and hilfiger - because my DS would not recognise those if they fell on him and he is 14. He is into rugby, cricket and shooting and his clothing of choice is whatever i hang in the cupboard and isn't smelly - although the isn't smelly is occsionally optional

247 - he is a control freak! They don't change, unfortunately - my dad was one. I understand your feeling about lack of time, but if you earned money to pay for a cleaner then surely he couldn't object?

He wont get a cleaner?? He will if the house is a fucking pit because you go on strike!! That is outrageous! Ok, but if you were to get a job, then you would money to pay for a cleaner, even though i think he should wind his neck in over that one. I honestly think you need to do something for your self esteem. Nightschool would be a good place to start, your children wont always need you to do the shcool run, i hate to sound like xenia but you dont want to be left in an empty nest with nothing for yourself. Forgo the gym, go to college instead.

Well, if you decide to go out to work, you don't have time to do the housework. So get a job, don't do the housework, and if DH minds, say "Oh if you're bothered why don't you pay for a cleaner?' You can be lighthearted about it but I really think this man needs to see that he has a wife, who is 100% a human being and just as important as him, not a slave. He needs a wake-up call.

247 - sorry re: the self esteem comments - it didn't sound as though you had recognised it - you hadn't acknowledged it earlier.

Honestly - get yourself a job - just a few hours a week. I was sahm for 12 years so, believe me, I know where you're coming from even though I haven't had the same issues with dh.