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Original poster

Rich Man Mean?

303 replies

247 · 12/11/2007 09:22

Had a crappy long and drawn out debate with DH in which it is very obvious we have quite different values. Since he is the breadwinner then I guess I have to accept it, but boy I am not happy. DH had nothing when i met and married him but we were happy and in love, isnt that the most important thing. Anyway, the years have gone by, 20 to be exact and he is now rich. We have a 2£m home, DCs in private ed, expensive cars etc, successful business etc, but we do not live an expensive lifestyle, ie lots of holidays, designer gear, trips out etc. I just happened to mention that DD would like (has not asked and never does) 3 expensive items including a handbag. Now she is only 13 and he has a problem with the fact a) she does not need a handbag b) she should not be wearing any designer clothes and c) if he lets have have these things she will be spoilt! I just don't get it, she is not a brat, never asks for anythingand more often than not wears quite cheap clothes. Whats his problem. I told him if I had money I would like my family to have the finest of everything. Now I know that is not the main focus in life but surely it would be a different matter and I was asking for stuff that we cannot afford. Am i so very wrong. Opions please, but please don't slate me. I grew up with not much at all and we have made a lot of sacrifices to be where we are now, 20yrs down the line should we not be enjoying the fruits of our labour?

OP posts:
Original poster
247 · 14/11/2007 16:47

Who knows what he does, he has pain killers for a bad back thats all, has been on them for a year and it has, according to him, stopping him 'doing it', doesnt explain why he cant hold me and I have asked, never get any answers though.

OP posts:
warthog · 14/11/2007 17:05

good point custy - 'it's all 247's fault - she's trying to fix it. i don't have to do anything.'

warthog · 14/11/2007 17:06

247, maybe it is time to set down an ultimatum. either he gets his shit together and starts making an effort or you're out. thing with these sorts of ultimatums is you have to follow them through.

Judy1234 · 14/11/2007 17:15

Have you tried getting hold of him intimately in bed etc to see if he's making it up or whether it's the more classic reason (that there's someone else). Try having him tailed for a week.

Original poster
247 · 14/11/2007 17:16

its also not an ultimatum I would care to lose. Also he is the sort of person to never back down, ever

OP posts:
Original poster
247 · 14/11/2007 17:17

defo no one else of that i am sure.

OP posts:
Swedes2Turnips1 · 14/11/2007 17:46

"Have you tried getting hold of him intimately in bed ..." (from xenia)

No messing.

warthog · 14/11/2007 18:30

how does one get through to him?

Judy1234 · 14/11/2007 19:04

By my method of course. May be use oil too. ...

I just think if you've a partner who says they can't have sex that's an important marital issue. Presumably it worries him. She doesn't even know if he regularly ejaculates on his own. This is a husband not a random neighbour. They should talk about these things. They should be having sex regularly, every week really and if they aren't they should both be wanting to do something about it.

LittleBella · 14/11/2007 19:07

And of course, she should be having a full time job. And of course a highly paid one.

LOLOL Xenia

Elizabetth · 14/11/2007 19:25

TMI, Xenia!!!

Swedes2Turnips1 · 14/11/2007 20:35

So that's it sorted then:
Get hold of him intimately in bed.
Use baby oil.
Get well-paid job.

Baffy · 15/11/2007 12:13

Xenia has made an some excellent points though:

"I just think if you've a partner who says they can't have sex that's an important marital issue. Presumably it worries him." Does it? And if not, why not?

And (I think) more importantly:

"This is a husband not a random neighbour. They should talk about these things. "

Totally agree Xenia.

Swedes2Turnips1 · 15/11/2007 12:24

I must be getting old as I find myself nodding in complete agreement with some of Xenia's posts.
She once said we should discourage girls from taking traditionally female and therefore badly paid, jobs (nursing, teaching, nanny). I think that is absolutely spot on.
I am even thinking that I should be thinking of going back to work sometime soon (baby no. 4 is 3 months old) .

Swedes2Turnips1 · 15/11/2007 12:25

Xenia Thanks for your perspective.

Original poster
247 · 15/11/2007 13:29

its a bit dam hard to iniate anything when they treat you like an aunt, mother, piece of furniture.Its been soooo long I actually feel very awkward.

OP posts:
scrummymummy1965 · 15/11/2007 15:39

Get a couple of gin and tonics down you - that'll do the trick!

Judy1234 · 15/11/2007 21:45

Yes and also you just have to try and be prepared to be rebuffed too. Also if it's true he can't get erections then you do everything but that and indeed agree that won't be part of it. But every relationship is different. You might both find it impossible to talk about sex.

fortyplus · 15/11/2007 21:45

Hi 247 - me again. Didn't look at mn yesterday as was working then at funeral .

Reading some of your more recent posts, I actually think he has problems with self esteem, too! He's focussing on the 'successful businessman' role and controlling you financially because that gives him power.

In fact (recently at least) he's been a failure in the bedroom dept., which most men seem to find an enormous blow to the ego.

Another comment of yours that interested me was the one about his favourite dessert/pudding. You said you gave it to him but he didn't say a word.

I think you may be expecting too much there! Couldn't you try to say something warm, pointing out that you have chosen it because you know it's his favourite? It seems that you and he have reached such an entrenched position, with every discussion about money turning into a confrontation, that it is affecting your whole relationship.

You are clearly deeply unhappy, but you need to take some action to rebuild your relationship, otherwise everything negative that is said or done will lead to seething resentment. My dh pisses me off, sometimes, but I think the key to a happy marriage is empathy for the other person's feelings, so it's important not to allow minor issues to hang around causing an atmosphere.

Original poster
247 · 16/11/2007 10:41

Yes, thanks fortyplus, I am very much an idealist whilst he is a realist. Just asked him (off the cuff) what about buying me a business, just found a great opportunity which we would all benefit from and I would be 'working' full time (B&B we would live there too, he said 'ha! I couldn't trust you to stick at anything'

OP posts:
Pennies · 16/11/2007 10:47

Well you've stuck at your marriage! Tell him that, and add to it that there seem to be plenty of reasons not too.

Sorry for the rant but my goodness, talk about the trapping so wealth. Sorry you're going through this with him.

fortyplus · 16/11/2007 10:51

You know what they say about 'opposites attract'... He needs to appreciate that your differences are what have enabled you to work well together. I bet there have been lots of times in the past when he's told you what's going on/run ideas past you/sought your approval.

Why would he say that you wouldn't stick at anything? Have you given him any reason to think that he couldn't rely on you to run a business?

Original poster
247 · 16/11/2007 10:56

No reason whatsoever, guess he's thinking "she already moans about having a big house and having to clean it". True, I do exactly that but a B&B business would obvioulsy be a just that, a 'business', but without REALLY giving it any thought, as I only just saw it on line, it would provide a family home, and a marvelous business which I alone could run, I wouldn't have time to come on here and vent my frustrations would I. Guess he would rather invest in something ele to increase the size of his current empire.

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 16/11/2007 17:33

I think they don't make much profit and are really hard work but I do agree that you finding work you enjoy might help solve some of the issues (along with my improving the sex life suggestions)

fortyplus · 18/11/2007 10:32

I suppose, to be fair, that his home is currently a 'refuge' from work. If you were running a B&B there'd be people invading 'his' space. Also: I get the impression that you could do with having a life outside the home and building relationships with your colleagues - people who know you for who you are rather than wife/parent. A B&B wouldn't bring you that.