Rich Man Mean?

[247]

Had a crappy long and drawn out debate with DH in which it is very obvious we have quite different values. Since he is the breadwinner then I guess I have to accept it, but boy I am not happy. DH had nothing when i met and married him but we were happy and in love, isnt that the most important thing. Anyway, the years have gone by, 20 to be exact and he is now rich. We have a 2£m home, DCs in private ed, expensive cars etc, successful business etc, but we do not live an expensive lifestyle, ie lots of holidays, designer gear, trips out etc. I just happened to mention that DD would like (has not asked and never does) 3 expensive items including a handbag. Now she is only 13 and he has a problem with the fact a) she does not need a handbag b) she should not be wearing any designer clothes and c) if he lets have have these things she will be spoilt! I just don't get it, she is not a brat, never asks for anythingand more often than not wears quite cheap clothes. Whats his problem. I told him if I had money I would like my family to have the finest of everything. Now I know that is not the main focus in life but surely it would be a different matter and I was asking for stuff that we cannot afford. Am i so very wrong. Opions please, but please don't slate me. I grew up with not much at all and we have made a lot of sacrifices to be where we are now, 20yrs down the line should we not be enjoying the fruits of our labour?

'he is now rich'

shouldn't that say 'we are now rich' lots of posts here about money between couples

Sorry, but I'm with your dh on this one.

'for richer, for poorer' - don't you share your money?

I think that if you have a 2£m home, DCs in private ed and expensive cars you are enjoying the fruits of your labour.

And that, actually, your DH is right that your DD doesn't need a handbag and that designer clothes are a waste of money, especially for children. And possibly hte fact that she's been brought up that way is one reason (apart from your generally marvellous parenting ) that she isn't a brat.

But I am concerned at your attitude that "since he is the breadwinner then I guess I have to accept it" and the implication that spending money on expensive cars (which I am presuming on a totally stereotypical basis is down to him and what he likes) is perfectly fine but spending money on expensive [insert name of something you like here] is not. I think that there is some serious underlying issue here quite apart from your DD's potential handbag.

I'm with your dh about not giving a 13 year old all those things, BUT I would be seriously worried about a man who - after 20 years of marriage - regards it as 'his' money. Don't you have a joint account? If not you're living with Victorian values. If you divorced him tomorrow then it certainly wouldn't be 'his' money!

Yes, he is very concerned that he doesnt want her to be some 'rich kid' but isnt she anyway by virture of her parents being so. She is the sweetest girl and not at all spoilt. We where talking about xmas presents, not stuff like this on a monthly basis. I asked him what about if she saved her money and bought them herself, he even objects to that and said he would not allow it. BTW he had a priviledged childhood. I know this sounds like trying to keep up with the jones but why shouldnt she have the same as all her peers at her 'expensive school', he decided to put her in that environment afterall.

Talking of divorce, we touched on the subject quite some time ago, I dont know why but anyway he told me I would be rich if we were to divorce, funny that, I'm not rich whilst I am married to him!

13 years old is too young to be indulged like this UNLESS she understand the value of money

it is horrible when children /teens know the price of everything and the value of nothing

if she gets everything her heart desires now, what will she have to look forward to or work towards, she will be jaded by the time she is 18 !

also, if she lives in a beautiful home, gets ferried about in nice cars and goes to a great school , she is getting lots of good stuff all teh time...

i think calling your DH mean is very off

you sound a bit spoilt, TBH, wanting to stamp your feet and get your own way

you are enjoying the fruits of your labour, this is about so much more than a handbag, i think you want the designer lifestyle, but i might be way off the mark

what do you mean by 'not rich?

i think you have your priorities all skewed

does he keep you short of cash? is this really about how he is with you?

i dont get why he gets to make these decions.

if my daughter wanted something adn she came to me and i had the money - something as futile as a handbag - and i was in the frame of mind to buy it her - i would without having a long conversation about it.

you have a 2million pound house and you are not rich?? Maybe you could get a job!!

I'm sorry but i am definately with your hubby on this one. He/you have obviously had to work really hard for what you have. I cannot see what a 13 year old girl would possibly want with a handbag and designer clothes!! If that what values private schools teach then i'll take my chances on the state system i think.

I dont think it is just well off parents that indulge their children either. We have made that mistake with our DD1 (now 17) and she expects everything handed to her on a plate, has no concept of work ethic etc etc. Well now she has a job at Mac Donalds, she more or less supports herself, i daresay she is learning.

i would have less of a problem actually if your 13 year old was wanting a pony - because if she had a pony she would have to look after it and learn some responsibility. Maybe get a saturday job to buy some of its essentials etc. So its not a case of jealousy - but designier handbags??? WTF for?? To me, that is teaching her to be shallow.

I dont understand it either custardo. If I can afford it I buy and if I cant then I dont. He can afford it and 100 times over besides. DD is also very mature, developed and tall. Its not like I am allowing her to look and dress like an adult, she does not. I don't know why he always has the final say. He won't let her have her ears pierced either. I'm fed up and hurt, we dont, I dont, have loads of lovely possessions or anything, why would you not want to give your children as much as you can and STILL install good values and morals. People are ALWAYS praising me for my well adjusted polite children.

Custy is right - this isn't about whether the child gets the handbag - it's about a power struggle going on between the parents.

Even when we first lived together we had a joint account, but then had an 'allowance' (which 20-odd years ago was £120 per month) that we each agreed was ours to spend without being accountable to the other person.

just because you can have something, does not automatically mean you should have it

you seem to feel really hard done to

i have to say, as a SAHM i am uncomfortable buying things for myself with DPs money, i have always felt that way. He on the other hand would give me his last penny, no question.

This is a question of parenting issues, on which i agree with the OP's DH. However if he is witholding money from the OP then that is blatantly out of order, however from how it reads (they have designer clothes - i wouldnt imagine he makes her dress from primark!) she is doing ok.

Does the OP take an active role in the business? Or does she stay at home? Maybe it is a self esteem issue and she really should consider getting a job. Xenia, you need to back me up here (for once, we agree).

247, im sorry, i thought your dd was your only child, i retract my get a job comments.

I dont think it is a power struggle, just a parenting issue - get the girl a bloody horse!!!

oh and i have to say this, congratulations on building up your business from nothing - quite admirable. I'm sure your children are lovely btw. Just remember that happy children isnt always about material possesions. I'm sure you are a fantastic mum and give them all the love they need, but you dont want to be in the position where they see you as a walking wallet! I know mine does, its just that at the moment, the wallet is empty

Don't have much time to write, but I think that the posters are being a bit ungenerous. I'm sympathetic because I grew up in a similar situation, and am currently a similar situation also.

Will write more when i have time.

PS, don't think she should get the bag as a present at 13, but would agree to give her the bag as a reward for doing something, are help her earn it.

I too have an allowance which incidentally would not afford the items in question except over a period of time and anyway, I just wouldnt buy her expensive things like that without asking. This all came about when I was discussing xmas presents with him.

so what does DH think she should have for XMas?

By lucyellensmum on Mon 12-Nov-07 09:56:55
'i have to say, as a SAHM i am uncomfortable buying things for myself with DPs money, i have always felt that way. He on the other hand would give me his last penny, no question.'

That mirrors my experience precisely. I have to say that I felt much better about myself when I started working a few hours again and having money that I could view as my own. 247 - I think you sound as though you have very low self esteem. You are justly proud of your home but you have no sense of self worth - and your dh isn't helping.

i have to say this too, im sorry, but i agree with the ear peircing thing too (retrospectively!) says the mother of a DD with facial peircings and tattoos. Given my time over, id not have let her have her ears peirced, which i did at 12 i think. DD2 (aged 2) will not be having hers done until she is 16

get her a horse!!!

lucyellensmum, how strange you say "get her horse", DH said he would have no issues to buy her a £10k horse but does have issues to buy her a couple of designer items. Well 3 items infact which total £500. She does not have any designer clothes, neither do I. DH on the other hand drives a range rover and wears armani suits and YSL shirts! My younger son wears RL, Lacoste and Hilfiger. DD is happy with her gear from New Look. I was asking for XMAS!!!!!!!!! Not because she asked but because I know she would like them and all her peers at school have them.