Rich Man Mean?

[247]

Had a crappy long and drawn out debate with DH in which it is very obvious we have quite different values. Since he is the breadwinner then I guess I have to accept it, but boy I am not happy. DH had nothing when i met and married him but we were happy and in love, isnt that the most important thing. Anyway, the years have gone by, 20 to be exact and he is now rich. We have a 2£m home, DCs in private ed, expensive cars etc, successful business etc, but we do not live an expensive lifestyle, ie lots of holidays, designer gear, trips out etc. I just happened to mention that DD would like (has not asked and never does) 3 expensive items including a handbag. Now she is only 13 and he has a problem with the fact a) she does not need a handbag b) she should not be wearing any designer clothes and c) if he lets have have these things she will be spoilt! I just don't get it, she is not a brat, never asks for anythingand more often than not wears quite cheap clothes. Whats his problem. I told him if I had money I would like my family to have the finest of everything. Now I know that is not the main focus in life but surely it would be a different matter and I was asking for stuff that we cannot afford. Am i so very wrong. Opions please, but please don't slate me. I grew up with not much at all and we have made a lot of sacrifices to be where we are now, 20yrs down the line should we not be enjoying the fruits of our labour?

247 - just read your last post.
I do sympathise. it is hard when you are not the breadwinner but through long discussion DH and i have sorted this out and we are happy.
I know Fortyplus is annoying you with her diagnosis but you can see she has a point and at least if you are aware of what is bothering you then you can change it. I think voluntary work is actually a fantastic idea.

I have offered to work in the business on many occasion but DH said there was nothing I could do. I even offered to clean the offices when his cleaners were not doing the job properly. I also used to do charity work but that sort of dried up when his parents stayed here for 3 months for hospital treatment and I was taxi driver. I APPRECIATE our wealth wholeheartedly, it has not come easy or withour major sacifice. I am now over 50 FGS I just would like us all to have a bit more reward.

And further to that, you say you don't want to leave which I can understand, but why not just keep in mind what that would mean. As he says, you would have money. You would have a nice lifestyle and could do whatever the hell you liked. You could work, have a cleaner, enjoy your hobbies, enjoy your DCs and treat them equally, and be yourself.

Maybe it's something you might consider planning for long-term, for when they DCs leave home, if Mr Big has not seen sense by then. Or it's something to remember when you're feeling down - this marriage isn't everything, it doesn't define you and you could exist without it. And maybe DH could do with having a think about that too.

I don't know if am job would be some the cure-all it's being portrayed as by some posters.... Your DH sounds very selfish and not terribly concerned wiht how you feel. That sounds like it is at the root of things, to be honest.

I definitely think that working in his business would be a BAD idea. Did you feel better when you were doing charity work? There must be roles that you could undertake that wouldn't require a huge commitment in terms of time. But I think it needs to be something where you get out and mix with other people. I had thought of Age Concern's befriending service, which can be for as little as an hour a month, but maybe it wouldn't help you to be indoors with a housebound old person? Might not make you feel more cheerful1

247, that reward wouldn't make you happy I'm afraid, even if you were surrounded by amazing material things. They don't fix low self-esteem and indeed it is only because people think they do that there is such a big industry in pointlessly expensive designer this and that. I think you've latched onto this because it's something your DH won't let you have and so you want it more - but what he really should give you, which he doesn't, is respect and equality.

If you got divorces, that respect and equality would be accorded you by the law - just remember that, even if it never happens. You are his equal, you do have rights.

If I were you I would start by going on an assertiveness course and learn to say no!

An assertiveness course is a great idea!

i don; tthink you should leave him,but i think you should talk to him and try to get to the root of things, maybe he is not happy either

I don't want to tell you what to do (sounds like you get enough of that from your husband) but if I were going to I would say

• do some kind of assertiveness/self esteem course
• get a job
• quit doing all the cleaning
• tell DH if he wants the house cleaned then he can pay for it because you are too busy working.

Re your DD, I think the issue with your DH is clouding the waters around what sounds like a lovely girl. She honestly doesn't need to have the same expensive identikit designer stuff as all her frienfds. For example, she will be far cooler in the long run, and stylish rather than trendy, if she develops an eye for a vintage bargain. It's not even as though she's asking for this stuff, from what I read of your posts.

I don't think your husband is respecting the contribution you've made to the marriage and (whether directly or indirectly) to his business. The divorce courts very definitely would recognise it. I think you'd be doing him a favour to get him to wake up and recognise what an asset he has in you before it gets pointed out to him in nice round numbers with a pound sign at the beginning by a judge.

I don't think my husband appreciates any of what I do/have done. What do they say, behind every successful man is a good woman. Well this woman put up going without for years and held the fort whilst he built up his empire. I raised the DC somewhat singlehandedly and took care of everything , and NO, unlike lots of others I was never phoning the office saying "when are you coming home". I firmly believe a woman should not stand in the way of her husbands work. Funny, but despite all this he thinks I am selfish, materialistic and unsupportive.

I think lemonaid's post hits the nail on the head. Your dd sounds lovely - she hasn't expressed a desire to own the trappings that her peers take for granted - she is happy to be an individual, not a sheep!

There is no need for you to make an issue out of buying these items; the reason that you are doing so is because it is highlighting your problems with your relationships both with your dh and with yourself.

You are laying the blame at your dh's feet - but he is not going to change unless you are proactive in altering the situation and that needs to start with you not him.

We've all tried to give good advice and our messages have largely concurred - it's up to you whether you act upon it.

Yes fortyplus and all advice has been appreciated and taken on board. I am going to drop it here and now and not mention it to him anymore. Have just found DDs xmas list and she is asking for a netball net and Ugly Betty DVDs, also ANY clothes + accessories. In future, I shall do what I imagine a lot of women do, I will not discuss what I am buying I will merely do it if I can afford it and then no argument. Am trying to raise my self-esteem CONSTANTLY, sadly his negative comments and accusations do little to help. Think I'll throw myself into the cleaning and think "up yours"!

Bleach and a scourer might do it!

He probably needs some praise for all his effort, Im off to the supermarket now, I wonder if I can afford his favourite desert

Yes - maybe you just need to see things from eachother's point of view a little more? i mean - the separate finances thing would never have worked for me, but it's been ok for you two for years. It sounds as though both of you would like to be happier, so maybe some small steps like his favourite pud and a few kind words over supper might be the start of better things?

247 you have supported him while he built up his 'empire' and done more than your fair share in raising your children and looking after the home.

So why is this 'his' money and you get an allowance? I am shocked and stunned at this. It should be joint money all the way.

I do think you should discuss what you are buying and make those sort of parenting decisions jointly. He may have a point regarding not wanting dd to be spoilt.

But for you to have to 'ask' to buy your own children something... You asked in your op 'shouldn't you be enjoying the fruits of your labour' - well yes you should. Of course you should. But you sound utterly miserable and I can see why. It's your decision over whether this relationship and this lifestyle makes you happy. You love him. But is that enough to stay with things the way they are?

My advice to you would be to try and see an individual counsellor. Work through these issues and help yourself to make some choices about how you want your life to be and what you plan to do about it. Yes you could get a job, get your 'own' money etc - would all of that make you happy?
You sound undervalued and are not treated as an equal partner after 20 years together. Is this relationship really giving you everything you want & deserve? It doesn't sound like it

i'm reeling from the fact that you have an allowance. does he have an allowance? a case of do as i say, not as i do.

why does his ds get designer clothes but not his dd?

i'm not surpriesd you're feeling this way. i agree that you need to start clawing back your life. get your allowance raised first thing, or even better, get a joint account. you are not a child who needs to be monitored. then look into doing some part time work and having help around the house.

is it possible that your resentment is coming through so strongly so that pushes him into being more dogmatic and wanting you to acknowledge what he does for you?

if not the case, then ignore me, but if you want the situation to change, perhaps you could try backing off on jibes (assuming that's going on), and upping the compliments for a week and see if it makes any difference.

It's his money. Why not earn your own like most women and then you can spend it as you choose?

I would never want to be married to someone who wanted my children to have the finest of everything. I want them to appreciate simple things. She's 13. Is there some work she can do around the house or garden to earn that money to buy the hand bag. I suggest you take her to church more and squash her idea about handbags.

If you want power in a relationship you earn your own money. If you want to have to do as you're told because you rely on a man for money then you get into situations like this.

okie, only read the original post, and the first line of xenia's post. and that has me FUMING.
it's not his effing money. it's THEIR money.
he would not have themoney if the op did not support him throughout the last 20 years so that he could become capable of earning the sort of money required to be able to buy a 2 million pound house.
if she did not have the sort of thrifty habits she obviously does, they would never have saved enough money to be able to buy the 2 million pound house, or send their kids to school
i am complety and utterly fuming. ANY money he earns, has been a joint venture between him and her. she already has a bloody hard job taking care of his kids and his house and him. WHY SHOULD she go out and get another job just becaue he is the way he is?

right. to answer the op. i think you are experienceing what many people with young teenage girls experience. or at least they used to, now, the teenage years start at birth. girls require more 'stuff' than boys do, and it's something that not all men understand, especially if they have particularly frugal wives, and no sisters.

Your dh sounds like a very controlling man. You said you love him and want to keep the family together, I can understand that.

But you know what, 247, there is only one thing that will make your dh sit up and take notice after all these years. If you want changes, there is only one card you can play:

Threaten to divorce him. You will clean him out in court, and doesn't he know that!

Xenia - the dd doesn't want the bag - she wants a netball post

Doesn't she just love to dictate and tell uall us women what to do. Thanks Fortyplus

Get a job, stop doing the housework/cooking or at least stop washing his clothes and cooking his meals. Tell him he does his share or coughs up for a cleaner/pays for takeaways.

if your kids are all at school, you are entitled to build up a career again and expect him to support you, considering the sacrifices you have made in the past to support his career....

I'm sorry, 247, but I am just PMSL at the idea of church as a cure for handbags... You may also find shaving her head and dressing her in a wimple useful (although might get in the way when playing netball).

247...

...I am in the same position as you - almost exactly. In fact, we argued recently when DH saud the fatal sentence 'well, come on, we're not EQUAL, really are we?'

Red rag. bull.

We are married and I'm going to be very honest and say that it annoys me very much that he wants to control through money BUT I do like having money. Not because I have fancy stuff (because my clothes are from Tesco/George generally and his are from YSL/Hugo Boss etc) but I like not having to worry. He does waste money on frivolous things and then decide if I waste a gym session because I dont feel up to going that I'm squandering 'HIS' money. It's true money cant but happiness and I sometimes resent that he says what goes money wise in general although if I decided to go blow £20k tomorrow whats he going to do? Divorce me?

The truth is I dont take advantage and dont leech off him (as some dh's including him might consider it) but I know my worth and I refuse to let him think that just because we have the works materially he doesnt have to put any effort into being a decent husband and father.

Bottom line is when you're married it is money that belongs to both of you.

p.s. Agree 13 year olds dont really need designer handbags btw when the equivalent amount of money could be spent on something lasting and tasteful not faddish a la LV's latest.