Rich Man Mean?

[247]

Had a crappy long and drawn out debate with DH in which it is very obvious we have quite different values. Since he is the breadwinner then I guess I have to accept it, but boy I am not happy. DH had nothing when i met and married him but we were happy and in love, isnt that the most important thing. Anyway, the years have gone by, 20 to be exact and he is now rich. We have a 2£m home, DCs in private ed, expensive cars etc, successful business etc, but we do not live an expensive lifestyle, ie lots of holidays, designer gear, trips out etc. I just happened to mention that DD would like (has not asked and never does) 3 expensive items including a handbag. Now she is only 13 and he has a problem with the fact a) she does not need a handbag b) she should not be wearing any designer clothes and c) if he lets have have these things she will be spoilt! I just don't get it, she is not a brat, never asks for anythingand more often than not wears quite cheap clothes. Whats his problem. I told him if I had money I would like my family to have the finest of everything. Now I know that is not the main focus in life but surely it would be a different matter and I was asking for stuff that we cannot afford. Am i so very wrong. Opions please, but please don't slate me. I grew up with not much at all and we have made a lot of sacrifices to be where we are now, 20yrs down the line should we not be enjoying the fruits of our labour?

In an ideal world, my ideal world, I would like

1. the love and respect of my husband - i feel i have neither.
2. a smaller house so that I dont constantly feel I am trying to climb a mountain by trying to keep it clean.
3. Less money but a tighter family unit whereby DH would be home at reasonable hours. He is gone from 6am until 9/10pm.
4. Family relations around - I have none.
5. To generally be more of the average person - hopefully fitting in better and not richer than most people I know.

Here here 247, think we may be twins

I like you binkleandflip, Oh yes, and I NEVER ask him for anything. He chased his dream, he wanted the big house, the tennis court, the swimming pool. Yes I enjoy it too but believe me I could live without it to have a 'marriage'. He has large office premises and once when we drove by I said are you proud of that? He said no not really, I haven't finished yet. Meaning he has set his sights even higher, he wants a small plane and to take flying lessons, guess thats why he keeps me on an allowance, to ensure I don't squander his cash and stop him achieving. Maybe he will fly away one day altogeher

what is being lost sight of here is the fact taht this man does not want to buy the designer gear for his daughter because he considers it inappropriate. The OP has already said that he was happy to spend 10K on a horse!!

My two year old DD has some lovely designer outfits (classy designer i hasten to add) which we bought from the CHARITY SHOP. I love a bargain i do

I am incredulous that women feel that they can simply spend their husbands money, or should i say, the families money, it blatantly belongs to everyone, on things they dont need. I take it the OP has her own car, can buy what clothes she likes, was able to run up £1,500 credit card bills (my DP would have a seizure!). Being a SAHM is hard bloody work yes, but it doesnt bring money into the family, how can anyone think that a husband should pay his wife to look after the children is beyond me. The payoff is that the family has less money if the wife doesnt work. I wish my DP would "pay" me for doing all of his admin for his buisiness on top of being a full time mum and not very good cleaner and cook. Oh but hang on, he does, he pays the mortgage, he buys me clothes, he pays for the car, pays our debts, he pays all the bills, buys everything DD needs (or even doesn't need) the list goes on. Surely working women don't go out to work just for money to stick in their pockets and spend solely on themselves?? Right now, there is no extra money and things are tight, hopefully one day all of the head scratching that i do in front of this computor trying to make the business run at least with a modecom (sp) of organisation and invoices etc etc will pay off, but for the moment i am content that i am doing my bit for our family and OUR business. I'm sorry if that offends anyone who wants to harp on about equality, but to expect to be paid to be a mother is ridiculous, being a SAHM is not a job, it is far more worthwhile and important than that and to give it monetary value would not only, in my opinion, be impossible, it would belittle it. Taking money from a man has always made me uncomfortable, even my DP who would give me his last penny if i asked, he knows better than to insult me by giving me an allowance, however i also know better than to run up credit card bills on myself.

247, i just want to say, my last post wasnt aimed at you, rather to the other posters who think that a man should pay his wife as a matter of course. I just wanted to make that clear.

Your last post makes me sad, it is so hard to live with such a driven partner - but you love him for a reason, and maybe that is part of it. You must be proud of him too. HE just has a warped way of showing you he loves you. I bet if he didnt have you and the family to motivate him he wouldnt do any of it. BUT i still think he should spend more time with you - i read a quote somewhere that said, something along the lines of " there are very few people, whom, on their death beds, say, i wish i had worked more" Have you told your husband how you feel?

No offence taken lucyellensmum, I agree with much of what you say. Guess I wouldn't be so hung up if I had his love and attention, the spending I have done and continue to do at times is just filling a void BUT, if he wasn't rich I wouldn't do it anyway. Yes, I have frequently told him I would like a smaller simpler lifestyle - he just doesn't buy it (pardon the pun)

"Yes blushoes, I am a spender and yes he is a lot more conservative on that front"

He bought a £2million pound house! He's got a Range Rover! He wants a plane! He wears Armani suits which will be very expensive even if they are in a sale. You've got nothing on him when it comes to being a spendthrift.

He's not conservative, he's profligate and he's projecting his profligacy on to you. It's just that he thinks his purchases are OK whilst yours are somehow wrong.

"I am incredulous that women feel that they can simply spend their husbands money"

I am incredulous that you think it's the husband's money not the family money. The courts certainly disagree - if a husband has created a fortune during his marriage and a wife has sacrificed her own career to bring up children run the house (and clean it) they think she's entitled to a good chunk of it if it comes to a divorce - which of course she is.

Just as a matter of interest 247 does your allowance cover things like the shopping and the children's stuff or is it for you to spend solely on yourself?

me, 2 dc, petrol, groceries

So your so-called "overspending" might be because you spent money on the kids, did a big shop for the family and got things for the house that you needed?

well yes of course, but we are only talking groceries and clothing, DD is wearing adult size also. I am suprised no one has asked how much my allowance is, I do not want to say really but I would be interested to hear what others think would be reasonable (given our wealth of course).

Well it can't be huge if you're in M&S, she's in New Look and you're having to count the pennies at the supermarket.

I don't think any allowance is reasonable. You should have equal access and the two of you should have equal say in how the family money is spent, saved and invested.

I also think a family trip to the Armani January sale would be in order.

I was talking to my friends dh - again a high flying, high earning successful type and after a drink or three he confided that he felt he was a 'failure' because he wasnt CEO of his company yet and until he was he would continue to feel a failure. This from a man who at the grand old age of 37 has a lovely house, nice cars, no money worries, not to mention two gorgeous daughters and an understanding (lol) wife! It made me quite sad to think he thought of himself as a failure and even worse to know that if he was made CEO tomorrow I doubt that would bring him happiness for more than a short period as he'd soon want to aspire to something else.

Meglomania is something which grips successful people I suppose and drives them but it can be devastating for their personal lives I guess and perhaps thats why they dont want to slow down, take time off and address it, because it would mean acknowledging their achilles heel ie feelings and relationships.

God I'm inciteful

LOL at this thread.

It's been very cathartic for me I can tell you, I have a good old rant when really I should be rebelling against my rich,mean(alright, quite generous but a bit tight at times) dh

i actually said "I am incredulous that women feel that they can simply spend their husbands money, or should i say, the families money" so i am incredulous that you didnt read any further so ner ner ner. I think that big spends should be consulted on, but i mean that both partners should consult, a two way street.

Reading that the allowance has to include groceries and stuff for the children, it had better be a fucking great big one then

Not wanting to spoil your children should not be confused with being mean. I agree with his stance on the handbag. However, I also agree with Xenia (to some extent) not having your own money makes you feel powerless. Isn't it a bit kneejerk to be talking about divorce as a consequence of no designer handbag? You need to have a sensible discussion about money. It would indeed be shared if you divorced him but whilst you are married to him, paradoxically, there is nothing you can do to force him to share the money (which he clearly sees as his).

How much is your allowance - go on tell us?

I'm going for £2k a month - or thereabouts...

I don;t think it's the amounts that are the problem, it is the fact that the OP's husband clearly sees her as a piece of property or a low-ranking servant, not a person. She should perhaps calculate how much a cleaner/housekeeper/nanny would cost him in wages and inform him of the fact - given that he appears to see all the housework, cooking, childcare etc as her job, for which she gets bed, board and pocket money while he buys himself Armani suits and planes. For anyone who is a SAHM with no actual income, you need a distinction between the money provided by the wage-earner for food, children's clothes etc and the money that you are actually allowed to spend without consulting anyone. Your personal allowance of money need not be very much but you need something that is under your control and no one else's or you will feel like an indentured slave no matter how 'reasonable' your partner; marriages or relationships where the money for essentials is pooled also need to have money that each partner is allowed to spend exactly as he/she wants.

he's not stopping you from getting a cleaner. he's saying you must pay for one out of your allowance.

so, cut back on a few luxuries around the house, get the cleaner and go out and get a job. a cleaner costs probably £20 to do your house once a week. don't tell me you can't afford it.

i bet he would fork out to pay for you to do a degree through the ou. go and do some worthwhile studying and get a job off that, or get a job now. but i think you have to earn this extra money.

scratch out earn this extra money and put earn his respect.

Why would you bother asking, just go out and buy it. It's your money too.

She's got a job, she's had it for twenty years, she just hasn't been compensated for it whilst hubby has been rewarding himself with Armani and Range Rovers.

I can't believe that there are women here who don't think that brining up a family and running a house isn't actually WORK.

R u pyhsic binkleandflip, and yes inciteful definatley.