Dating Thread 202: Here's hoping the lockdown loneliness and longing eases up soon...

[SpringlikeBunk]

Come ye all!

Just matched with an absolute belter on one of sites whose profile name is Daddy. He is a dominant looking for a kinky,non vanilla person and you better be that or else😂
Oh my I handed him his arse on a plate. It was fun.

It's a rare situation to be in for me anyway, as I don't usually go for a meal when on a date. Usually it's when it's started as drinks, and we end up staying for food. I've spoken to one or two women on the apps who say they'd only consider a date if I took them to a fancy restaurant, and that's an instant no for me.

Suggesting they pay next time isn't intended to force them into seeing me again just so they can repay me. It's more of "I appreciate the offer, but I'd like to pay this time - however if there's a next time, then I'd be happy for you to return the favour". Then if they really feel strongly about it, I don't insist as there's no point ending the evening in an argument!

No one is the same though, and I'm never going to please everyone all of the time. All I can do is be myself, and try to behave in a way I think is genuine and polite. I'm someone who likes to treat people sometimes (and be treated in return), and I want to be with someone who is open to that. For everyone who feels awkward about me buying dinner, there will be others who appreciate and enjoy it - it's all just part of finding out whether someone is compatible I think.

@TheCatWithTheHat

It's a rare situation to be in for me anyway, as I don't usually go for a meal when on a date. Usually it's when it's started as drinks, and we end up staying for food. I've spoken to one or two women on the apps who say they'd only consider a date if I took them to a fancy restaurant, and that's an instant no for me.

Suggesting they pay next time isn't intended to force them into seeing me again just so they can repay me. It's more of "I appreciate the offer, but I'd like to pay this time - however if there's a next time, then I'd be happy for you to return the favour". Then if they really feel strongly about it, I don't insist as there's no point ending the evening in an argument!

No one is the same though, and I'm never going to please everyone all of the time. All I can do is be myself, and try to behave in a way I think is genuine and polite. I'm someone who likes to treat people sometimes (and be treated in return), and I want to be with someone who is open to that. For everyone who feels awkward about me buying dinner, there will be others who appreciate and enjoy it - it's all just part of finding out whether someone is compatible I think.

I find that pretty shocking that people will stipulate where they want to go / what they want to do in terms of fancy places.

I've actually really enjoyed the walking dates I've done. It suits me much better! I'm very outdoors-y & like the whole walk and talk thing. I feel way less self conscious too

It's pretty rare I've found, but I was chatting to someone at the start of last year who was rather rude when I suggested a nice gastro pub in Chelsea. Apparently she doesn't do pubs, told me I was wasting her time and asked whether I'd ever had a successful date given I took women to pubs!

Another who liked me on Tinder the other day specified in her profile that she doesn't do coffee or drink dates, and it has to be lunch or dinner.

I'm out on a date this evening with someone, and we're meeting at the tube station, going for a wander and possibly stopping off for a drink if we find somewhere open on the way - that's the kind of date I really enjoy.

@TheCatWithTheHat

It's pretty rare I've found, but I was chatting to someone at the start of last year who was rather rude when I suggested a nice gastro pub in Chelsea. Apparently she doesn't do pubs, told me I was wasting her time and asked whether I'd ever had a successful date given I took women to pubs!

Another who liked me on Tinder the other day specified in her profile that she doesn't do coffee or drink dates, and it has to be lunch or dinner.

I'm out on a date this evening with someone, and we're meeting at the tube station, going for a wander and possibly stopping off for a drink if we find somewhere open on the way - that's the kind of date I really enjoy.

I'm with you! My favourite kind of date too. Yes I love to play dress up and eat etc but not always the first or second time I meet someone. I can get so self conscious otherwise!

@MrsBerthaRochester why did you hand him is arse? Did he say all that in his profile? The daddy thing is odd, but I don't there's anything wrong with wanting to find someone either just for sex, or someone who suits your sexual preferences. My exH was very vanilla and we weren't matched sexually at all. There's nothing wrong with a bit of kink between consenting adults.

I've never been in a relationship or the initial stages of one where each other takes turns. Maybe it is my age but it sounds a bit tit for tat and almost 'well I paid last weeks so they must pay for this one'.

I'm always generous if someone shows generosity to me and whilst I may not be able to afford to dine in the finest places,i will buy the odd meal out, cook lovely meals at mine,gone round to theirs and sorted their garden if they needed help and bought the take aways. I offer to drive if they want to drink. Money causes so much anxiety in relationships these days.
I love the man to buy the drinks on a first date,I love a manly guy. But not if I see no second date. And I'm very fair, ie if he has a west end musical he's been wanting to see for ages,I will budget and not think twice about getting tickets.
It's just the expectation of splitting 50/50 in everything down to the last penny that I find a bit strange these days but I realise things have changed and that's how it is.

I'm quite against any transactional character to things, makes me feel bad as a generally giving more than taking person, however I would like to point out there has been a neglected angle in the who pays what at the end scenarios, and that is the one where you just want to get out of there and will pay anything it takes to do that as soon as possible. Sometimes 'let me get this' translates as 'let me get out of here, pronto'.

@BelladiMamma No, not in touch, just a handful of yes, it's a pity, good luck with things, messages.

@HairyArsedMan

I'm quite against any transactional character to things, makes me feel bad as a generally giving more than taking person, however I would like to point out there has been a neglected angle in the who pays what at the end scenarios, and that is the one where you just want to get out of there and will pay anything it takes to do that as soon as possible. Sometimes 'let me get this' translates as 'let me get out of here, pronto'.

@BelladiMamma No, not in touch, just a handful of yes, it's a pity, good luck with things, messages.

Love it - here let me pay ... cos I want to run awaaaaay 🤣

Good luck with your date today @TheCatWithTheHat it sounds nice and chilled out. Hope shes a good one!

I always think its a nice gesture if the guy offers to pay for drinks/coffee on a first date. It makes me like them more. Call me old fashioned but I like a generous man!

I don't recall ever been taken on a meal date and it been paid for. There could be a point here.

I have had a mixture of both. Being paid for and the iron expecting me to pay for them. How do men swipe because I'm either really not memorable or they are just swiping and filtering later as I have had a few names irons I have been on dates with swipe right on me.

Potential walking date for the weekend. Yet to confirmed

Run out of men to swipe on Bumble and Tinder, POF is just the same faces every day.

Chatted with three guys since I rejoined the apps, 1 the chat dwindled away and the other two just kept trying to steer the chat towards sex which gets boring so quickly 🙄

Woe is me currently 🙁

I’m attracted to Neanderthal style guys

It’s each to their own really - I think some people just feel more comfortable and connected in a social situation where they feel they are “doing stuff for the other party”?

And building a connection can take different forms - gifts, sex, flirting, emotional support.

Like even with friends there’s sometimes someone who prefers to provide food just as “it’s their way of connecting”.

They’d rather help out in the kitchen than talk, it’s their way of “having fun”? They don’t feel put upon.

It’s that Five love languages quiz isn’t it?

Like I think if you asked a lot of guys with a busy job if they would rather slap down £35 for a meal or have to make scintillating conversation/communicate about their feelings about previous relationships on a first date I suspect they’d pick the bill most times !

@Dancerinthemoonlight

Lol my issue is often seeing the same guy on tinder and bumble - like I unmatched someone on bumble for being creepy and then swiped on him on tinder!

But it’s trying to swipe fast through them all

@dancemom

Good on you for sticking to boundaries - I’ve let the sex hounds go on a bit before and now I’m just like “no dates is fine”.

I’ve worked out my staycation strategy now - take a change of date clothes, get there and literally just see how I feel?

I might feel all solitary or I might want to meet someone. I’m staying central so can easily get to places.

Otherwise I’ll be trying to fit dates in and it will just be a bit “mental load in advance”.

I was chatting about swiping with @Eesha earlier. I think a lot of people are curious (but not curious enough to pay) about who is liking them, so they swipe positively as much as they can within the daily limits to reveal their admirers. This satisfies their curiosity but isn't necessarily a bona fide match and so we should downgrade the dopamine hit on the value of a match.

The paying customers probably swipe more selectively because those who like them are visible - their match reflects genuine intent or reciprocation. Would perhaps be a better app experience if the matches came with some sort of distinguishing label along those lines ...

@SpringlikeBunk it just bores me, I like a good flirt as much as anyone but ask me about my last holiday or how long my last relationship was, not about if I prefer lace or silk underwear or if I wear tight leggings to the gym 🙄

The potential date at the weekend saw my location change on bumble even though we had moved to WhatsApp and mentioned it to me.
Slight amber flag that he is already checking up on me and my movements as I have been through that before.

Lots of other chats on the go but most of them just fizzle out

@dancemom it’s annoying isn’t it?

And they don’t even want to meet up - just want a free sex Chat line.

Another thing they often do is bring up the idea of a meet soon/throw in some genuine chat early or mix it with the creepiness so you think they’re serious

but often it’s just fantasy to get you more comfortable.

It’s unpleasant because you get the vibe they are targeting inexperienced daters who want to formally date who think they might be genuine.

@dancemom - I don’t get asked if I wear tight leggings to the gym - I think I give over a very dull, grey haired middle age woman vibe - and lace or silk underwear? - haha comfy pants every time
Actually maybe I won’t reveal that!

Still messaging with Mr Haircut. He asked me what my plans are for the weekend - I said none - I returned the question - and he had none , but a bit of DIY. But no invite for a date or chat at the mo ....

@SpringlikeBunk so annoying 🤦🏻‍♀️

@GaraMedouar I don't think I'm giving off a vibe that says I want to discuss my gym clothes or my underwear🤷🏻‍♀️

but if anyone wants to look at my profile or even my pictures and tell me if I somehow have "sex mad middle aged woman" undertones on it I'd be grateful?

[quote dancemom]@SpringlikeBunk so annoying 🤦🏻‍♀️

@GaraMedouar I don't think I'm giving off a vibe that says I want to discuss my gym clothes or my underwear🤷🏻‍♀️

but if anyone wants to look at my profile or even my pictures and tell me if I somehow have "sex mad middle aged woman" undertones on it I'd be grateful? [/quote]
Happy to do a profile pic swap! Really hard to figure it out alone. Although a male friend is often helpful too 😊

@Dancerinthemoonlight

I agree that kind of thing creeps me out.

I met someone last year, and we had a (fairly dull) coffee walk.

Ok looking but I think he was lying about his age, generally just quite an awkward guy?

I left politely as I genuinely was feeling fairly ill, had mentioned I was recovering from a serious accident (after having walked around for 3 hours/led the conversation) and we exchanged brief messages and I was quite clear I was going to bed straight away.

He sent me a message just as I was going to sleep, and I got another message later saying "I know you've read my previous message as I saw there were two ticks" - along with a smiley face.

It just felt passive-aggressive and controlling and wanky so I blocked him, and I'd definitely do that again

I mean probably poor social skills rather than anything else but I don't want to be in any communication with someone who is quite clear they are "monitoring me" and will drop hints to "catch me out".

Ooh MrSaw has just messaged me saying he hasn't heard from me in a few days is everything ok?