Dating Thread 202: Here's hoping the lockdown loneliness and longing eases up soon...

[SpringlikeBunk]

Come ye all!

@SpringlikeBunk - are you a younger age group? I’m mid fifties and so far everyone I’ve chatted to have been really ‘normal’ - chatty (dull) conversations. So uninspiring.

I was talking to my friend the other day (she met her OH on Tinder so I know it happens !) and I was saying I’ve never received any dick pics ! not that I’m after them. No flirty chat whatsoever.

@bangheadhere40 same for me! The whole point is to meet, so anyone who doesn't want to is just a waste of time. Apparently 1 in 4 or 5 guys on the apps is attached though, so presumably most of those just want to match and chat, but have no intention of meeting.

For me, chatting online is just to achieve the following:

1. Figure out if they are relatively normal
2. Show that I'm not a nutter/sex pest
3. Filter out anyone who doesn't meet basic requirements (ability to have a reasonable conversation, shows some interest in me etc...)
4. Work out if we have enough in common to enjoy at least 1 or 2 hours in each other's company

I find if I chat for too long, I start building up expectations of what they're like which never match up to reality so I like to meet fairly quickly.

As for that "spark", I still don't know I can explain it - but there's that initial "do I fancy them?" thing which I think most people know within a few seconds. But even that can be wrong - I remember when I first met Miss H, I didn't think she was that amazing - she was a bit chunky in places, and even as we left the pub I didn't know if I wanted to see her again. Then we kissed, and it was amazing - something clicked, and I fancied her more than almost everyone else I've dated.

It's also been surprising to me what things have flicked the off switch on me feeling attracted to someone. I was on a date last year with someone I liked, and then they were rude to a waiter in the pub - that instantly killed it for me. Same as one of my dates earlier this week - she made a derogatory comment about Prince Philip, and straight way I felt that "ick switch" flick.

@Eesha - do keep us informed. Definitely an interesting one

@Cat - I quite like a republican myself.

Yes exactly cat I see it as a filtering process really, just to check they are normal, literate and not a sex pest. I think spring may be right that they use these endless chats to build something up so you could be more likely to feel you know them and jump straight in if they are ever kind enough to grace you with their presence 🙂

Also agree about the attached ones...which is scary. I get a better vibe for people in person I think, they sometimes can be nothing like you imagine them to be.

Okay I will just ask in future...I need to be more assertive I think, and then if there's a huge reason why not then just write them off as a time waster.

Anyone that was rude to waiters etc would flick the switch for me too, there's no need.

I got the ick with someone I had dates with early last year as his bathroom was filthy. I don't expect it to be super clean but reminded me how my ex lived in squalor and still does and I need someone a little cleaner.

@TheCatWithTheHat I also get the ick over rude manners and braggers.
I once had a date with a girl and she bragged about how much money she earned ...it just filled me with total ick

@SpringlikeBunk hope your date went well ❤️

I'm definitely not feeling it, poor grammar, no conversations skills and terrible photos. Urgh. I seem to attract utter fuckwits.

I haven't touched the apps today apart from quickly opening them when I was in a different area do I'd show as being there.
Did start 1 chat last night but then he said he was using tinder passport and lives in America.
Spent the day Christmas shopping (yes I know I'm super early but 60% off) and getting my to do list done.

@TheCatWithTheHat - agree with everything you said about talking on line and how the strangest of things can cause attraction.

You are all probably going to give me a verbal kicking .... @Dancerinthemoonlight most of all.

I didn't go on my walking date today, sent apologetic reschedule request a couple of hours in advance.

Mr HT was here. Yeah I know. He messaged a check in last night.... we messaged back and forth a bit. I was with a pal and she was laughing at how he just kept messaging to try keep the chat going without trying to say anything that would make him vulnerable.
I told him I wasn't a booty call, we chatted and he said he really doesn't intend me to think that - he does consider me a friend but when we chat and we naturally fall into flirty banter he can't help but think about me sexually and then he remembers how good it is between us.
He came over and we talked a lot about both our stresses - he properly opened up and told me about what's being going on that's been worrying him (child related). I told him about being off work and down.
He was warm and affectionate and super caring.
We didn't talk directly about us.
He's only just left after a lazy day together.

The only thing I know is we are friends. Friends who have amazing, passionate and intensely loving sex.
Friends who unbelievably both have grown up children who have the same neurological disability.

I just need to not overthink things this afternoon

[quote cravingthelook]@TheCatWithTheHat - agree with everything you said about talking on line and how the strangest of things can cause attraction.

You are all probably going to give me a verbal kicking .... @Dancerinthemoonlight most of all.

I didn't go on my walking date today, sent apologetic reschedule request a couple of hours in advance.

Mr HT was here. Yeah I know. He messaged a check in last night.... we messaged back and forth a bit. I was with a pal and she was laughing at how he just kept messaging to try keep the chat going without trying to say anything that would make him vulnerable.
I told him I wasn't a booty call, we chatted and he said he really doesn't intend me to think that - he does consider me a friend but when we chat and we naturally fall into flirty banter he can't help but think about me sexually and then he remembers how good it is between us.
He came over and we talked a lot about both our stresses - he properly opened up and told me about what's being going on that's been worrying him (child related). I told him about being off work and down.
He was warm and affectionate and super caring.
We didn't talk directly about us.
He's only just left after a lazy day together.

The only thing I know is we are friends. Friends who have amazing, passionate and intensely loving sex.
Friends who unbelievably both have grown up children who have the same neurological disability.

I just need to not overthink things this afternoon [/quote]
@craving take some time for yourself and try not to think about it

Told him he you wasn’t a booty call and then were in fact a booty call, we’ve all been there. Never ends well though

I genuinely care for him

And I think he has genuine affection for me

He's unavailable

I think I'll try reschedule with Mr Owl and see how that goes.
Wait and see what Mr HT does now

@cravingthelook i know you say he's unavailable to you but what if he's available to someone else, just not you. Just protect yourself.

@bangheadhere40

I get very annoyed with men who don't want to meet - why be on there and bother just to chat! I'm sure a huge percentage of them just want a pen pal.

I don't like asking but I think in future I'm just going to ask and if they fob me off then stop talking to them.

Is this best? 🤔

I'm totally in this mode at the moment! Wasting less time I think. Doesn't have to be pushy, just - shall we take advantage of everything opening again? Meet for a coffee / drink whatever feels appropriate. Cuts out the penpals

I’ve been following the threads this year and wanted to pop in, say hello and that the general feelings of being so over OLD resonate with me just now.

Tried it briefly last summer & met with my now ex. Loads of red flags that I ignored. Fundamentally he is a good man, but a man child nevertheless! I despair at how many men in their 40s & 50s still don’t have their shit together.

Anyway, been back half heartedly on Hinge & Bumble for a month or so. Probably more as a distraction. Met a couple of men that actually did seem to have a lot to offer, which reassured me a little, but just no attraction from me. Think I’ll need to delete the apps for a while.

Not sure if there are any other folks here from around Central/Southern Scotland, but the pickings are dire. To me anyway, as a mid 40s independent, balanced, financially sufficient & stable female 🤦‍♀️

I'm back to the drawing board. On/off iron and I have had an irreparable clash. This is the first time my one and only absolute red line has been crossed and I'm struggling to enforce my boundary. It's so tempting to give another chance. Mr Polo doesn't give me enough. Mr Dog is a sex pest, too much even for fwb (where's the F?!) and if I mentioned any others before then I've forgotten so clearly they weren't important to me or me them.
I'm not sure I can do a relationship but might just stick around here for advice navigating boundaries and fab. [Flowers] look after yourself craving and protect your heart.

Well, MrDecorator came round for 'coffee' and to quote for my decorating (which he now says he can't do til end of May anyway ).

He looks about ten years older than his photos and about five years older than the age he says he is. Neither of which matter, he looks how he looks, but why do people do it? He was pleasant and clearly honest and sensible.

He's been super chatty on the app since we met. This only proves to me what we know - it's best to meet quickly. I got the impression he was starting to write me off (for not having full length pics etc) but now.......well....he's done a U turn!
I'm not great at small talk/ongoing chat/bants etc.
He has said we should 'it would be nice to have a proper coffee' - whatever that means :)

But it only makes me yearn for MrWG! :( I'm going to text him and ask if he's around next weekend at all (I'm busy this weekend and I think he may have had to do something with PP's funeral today, though I expect he'd have told me if he did as he told me he might have to) and suggest an outdoor drink somewhere.

Thanks @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

Great date just got in - definitely up for a second one if offered .

My top tip for anyone lining up first meets outside is to not drink a coffee and gin and tonic and go somewhere with no loos.

Highlight of day was getting to the front of a 15 minute queue for loos.

But I echo my earlier comment that dashing medics often give good date or two

then they save a few lives and you never see them again

Just catching up with thread now.

@cravingthelook I agree take care of yourself.

Seems like you’re being put in the “fallback girl” position a bit here?

Flaky men don’t really change - you’ve had a taste of great contact so it’s like an addictive drug to your brain when you are in contact (yes I got that with MrMilitary a LOT)

but then there’s the “lows” of unreplied messages or the dates that never happen.

@GaraMedouar
I’m mid-thirties though I’m finding guys just a bit younger are making the best dates

I don’t tend to get so many direct dick pics tbf

but there’s often a tone in guys contacting me of “scoping out for a hookup” .

It’s quite disconcerting - like I don’t mind so much if it’s straight out messaging “I’m only here for casual, let me know”.

Then I can just not engage and no one wastes their time.

But they sort of chat for a while then kind of “skirt round the issue” and intersperse it with normal chat - it just annoys me as it feels coercive and manipulative and leads me on a bit?

So I think I’m contacting someone for a formal date and they’re trying to “probe” for a hookup but not be direct?

Annoying SpringlikeBunk ! Just be up front eh !

[quote GaraMedouar]@BelladiMamma - I’d probably enjoy the dates for the short term as who knows what will happen in the future. But who am I to talk ? I always overthink and plan my life - I’d already planned my next 20 years with my iron purely based on good connection on the phone calls - which died a rapid death after the first and only date

I need to take things slow and just enjoy.
Will I ever fancy anyone ever again ? I feel like no but here’s hoping. I just don’t know how to do it all anymore being mid fifties and out of practise. That was a real big draw to sticking with exP so I never had to date again in my life!!!

Currently was msg with Mr Irish - who phoned out of the blue. I did ask him if he’d misdialled and he said no he’d tried to speak to me. But I just find that too much stepping over boundaries for me. I want prior notice, arrange a time and with my previous calls they also texted before calling just to check I was still ok to speak. Ooh so polite.
So MrIrish has gone quiet. He also doesn’t have any kids - and given I have three , one still at primary school I need someone who appreciates the responsibilities I have.

I am also msging with MrHaircut - who is 25 min drive away (which is close for me so that’s super). He’s quite pleasant. Not as much of an instant connection as my first meet up date, but flowing ok. Not yet arranged a meet yet. He’s 4 years younger than me , and probably looks even younger - he has naturally gingery brown hair - the type that doesn’t seem to go grey.
Mine is salt and pepper grey - I’m contemplating dyeing it so I don’t look 20 years older than him if we were to meet up![/quote]
I've just dyed my hair because Mr M was 6 years older and felt quite comfortable with my natural hair, now my iron is few years younger and I'm 😬

@walkigonsuncc

Is it normal not to really fancy anyone ? After my ex I haven't really There's been a guy and I did like him but I don't know if I "fancied " him I feel like such a weirdo

It took me ages to fancy someone after my break up a while back. I felt broken. But it took me giving it a go and to allow their feelings towards me to seep it, then somehow I started to fancy again. Now I sort of wish I hadn't 🤦‍♀️

Well,the guy from my village who I had two dates with is a no no. Far too busy at weekends with cycling and walking groups with very limited free time. He was another I just didnt know if I 'fancied' but was willing to try and when I mentioned to him to come and have a cuppa in my garden one eve,he was wary my boys would be about(20 and 13). That was fair enough but i tried.
Back on tinder and still have to say everyone I'm chatting to have been respectful and no whiff of sex talk.
Could be that my profile pic is of me pretending to drive my friends tractor in an old bobble hat and wellies! I need to get my sex appeal back and learn to flirt again!