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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating Thread 202: Here's hoping the lockdown loneliness and longing eases up soon...

994 replies

SpringlikeBunk · 11/04/2021 17:05

Come ye all!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
17
Myfabby · 17/04/2021 07:56

@BelladiMamma don’t mean to be a Debbie downer but his situation is complicated never ends well.

Been there done that ...as you peel the layers off, you wonder why ! Meanwhile you’re smitten they go off into the sun ( or Tinder) and start all over again

BelladiMamma · 17/04/2021 07:58

[quote Myfabby]@BelladiMamma don’t mean to be a Debbie downer but his situation is complicated never ends well.

Been there done that ...as you peel the layers off, you wonder why ! Meanwhile you’re smitten they go off into the sun ( or Tinder) and start all over again[/quote]
Yeah. It's not his family situation it's his work and where he's likely to live long term.

Myfabby · 17/04/2021 07:59

@TheCatWithTheHat

Block. She’ll be back for sure and you don’t need it. You don’t need her number because she’s messed you about for so long - she’s not going to have an ephipany and do better .. she’ll just come back for crumbs..

BelladiMamma · 17/04/2021 08:09

Ok so here goes. I'm changing a few details around nationalities so it's not outing.

Only niggle is the complex situation that is being a Syrian from another country in the Middle East who lives in London but has flat in this other country and a whole other life there. He spent the last lockdown over there. Ex wife lives nearby in London and is also a Syrian living between the other Middle Eastern country and London. They can never go back to Syria. My head was kind of spinning. His mother tongue is Arabic and yes I’m a linguist but will I ever get my head round that?

Like me he has strong links to the same part of France my family are from and French is his second language as he was educated in French. It's my first language but I was educated in English.

I asked how long he was likely to stay in the UK and he said it was job dependent plus his 3 kids are now all in education here. So potentially another 5/6 years.

I don't want to fall in love and then find that life takes him elsewhere. I am over thinking I know but ...

However all of the above is also part of the attraction. I’d bloody love to go to this particular Middle Eastern country as it's know for being liberal and cultured and very beautiful...

walkigonsuncc · 17/04/2021 08:45

So I re downloaded tinder last night.
I started talking to a guy who asked was I on Instagram to rule out "catfishes "
I said yes and added him
Then he messaged me saying "your pictures are lovely but I need one of you in better light so I can make a better decision"

I blocked him...am I alone In thinking he is a cheeky sod?
Who do these people think they are.

Myfabby · 17/04/2021 08:55

@walkigonsuncc
You did good ti block. I won’t even have added him to Insta...

dancemom · 17/04/2021 09:02

@walkigonsuncc so rude of him, you're not a piece of meat

Onesmallstep67 · 17/04/2021 09:14

@walkigonsuncc, it is an extremely cheeky request. I'm sure we have all been intrigued about what someone really looks like but to put that firmly at the top of the conversation, particularly him saying so that he could make a better decision...!
@BelladiMamma, I guess what you are really asking is should you take the gamble that something more develops between you and then you are left in a predicament in the future when his life takes him elsewhere in the world again. I think what's meant to be is. If I met someone and felt the connection then I would be going with it because anything can be overcome or sorted if needed. But that may sound like romantic twaddle to some. You might have a few more dates and it fizzle out or this might be the next big chapter of your life.

GaraMedouar · 17/04/2021 09:45

@BelladiMamma - I’d probably enjoy the dates for the short term as who knows what will happen in the future. But who am I to talk ? I always overthink and plan my life - I’d already planned my next 20 years with my iron purely based on good connection on the phone calls - which died a rapid death after the first and only date Sad

I need to take things slow and just enjoy.
Will I ever fancy anyone ever again ? I feel like no but here’s hoping. I just don’t know how to do it all anymore being mid fifties and out of practise. That was a real big draw to sticking with exP so I never had to date again in my life!!!

Currently was msg with Mr Irish - who phoned out of the blue. I did ask him if he’d misdialled and he said no he’d tried to speak to me. But I just find that too much stepping over boundaries for me. I want prior notice, arrange a time and with my previous calls they also texted before calling just to check I was still ok to speak. Ooh so polite.
So MrIrish has gone quiet. He also doesn’t have any kids - and given I have three , one still at primary school I need someone who appreciates the responsibilities I have.

I am also msging with MrHaircut - who is 25 min drive away (which is close for me so that’s super). He’s quite pleasant. Not as much of an instant connection as my first meet up date, but flowing ok. Not yet arranged a meet yet. He’s 4 years younger than me , and probably looks even younger - he has naturally gingery brown hair - the type that doesn’t seem to go grey.
Mine is salt and pepper grey - I’m contemplating dyeing it so I don’t look 20 years older than him if we were to meet up!

GaraMedouar · 17/04/2021 10:06

walkigonsuncc - I agree that was really rude too!

DudeFromThatLondon · 17/04/2021 10:23

@Eesha - that’s a pretty out there interest. If it was K pop in general might get away with it (still a strong amber flag), but a specific teen girl band suggests something is awry. Is he interested in S Korean culture generally?

SpringlikeBunk · 17/04/2021 10:41

@Eesha weird yes. Even if you hit it off, this will always be there in the background for you. Even if it’s just fantasy it’s icky Confused

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Eesha · 17/04/2021 11:02

@DudeFromThatLondon yes it's a specific group who all look like teens and he's such an active member, complimenting them all the time, tweeting the fanbase and them, writing articles etc. It's like an obsession somehow, not like me liking a few Take That songs if you know what i mean...

BelladiMamma · 17/04/2021 11:19

[quote GaraMedouar]@BelladiMamma - I’d probably enjoy the dates for the short term as who knows what will happen in the future. But who am I to talk ? I always overthink and plan my life - I’d already planned my next 20 years with my iron purely based on good connection on the phone calls - which died a rapid death after the first and only date Sad

I need to take things slow and just enjoy.
Will I ever fancy anyone ever again ? I feel like no but here’s hoping. I just don’t know how to do it all anymore being mid fifties and out of practise. That was a real big draw to sticking with exP so I never had to date again in my life!!!

Currently was msg with Mr Irish - who phoned out of the blue. I did ask him if he’d misdialled and he said no he’d tried to speak to me. But I just find that too much stepping over boundaries for me. I want prior notice, arrange a time and with my previous calls they also texted before calling just to check I was still ok to speak. Ooh so polite.
So MrIrish has gone quiet. He also doesn’t have any kids - and given I have three , one still at primary school I need someone who appreciates the responsibilities I have.

I am also msging with MrHaircut - who is 25 min drive away (which is close for me so that’s super). He’s quite pleasant. Not as much of an instant connection as my first meet up date, but flowing ok. Not yet arranged a meet yet. He’s 4 years younger than me , and probably looks even younger - he has naturally gingery brown hair - the type that doesn’t seem to go grey.
Mine is salt and pepper grey - I’m contemplating dyeing it so I don’t look 20 years older than him if we were to meet up![/quote]
Thank you - good advice!

walkigonsuncc · 17/04/2021 11:23

Is it normal not to really fancy anyone ?
After my ex I haven't really
There's been a guy and I did like him but I don't know if I "fancied " him
I feel like such a weirdo

BelladiMamma · 17/04/2021 11:24

[quote GaraMedouar]@BelladiMamma - I’d probably enjoy the dates for the short term as who knows what will happen in the future. But who am I to talk ? I always overthink and plan my life - I’d already planned my next 20 years with my iron purely based on good connection on the phone calls - which died a rapid death after the first and only date Sad

I need to take things slow and just enjoy.
Will I ever fancy anyone ever again ? I feel like no but here’s hoping. I just don’t know how to do it all anymore being mid fifties and out of practise. That was a real big draw to sticking with exP so I never had to date again in my life!!!

Currently was msg with Mr Irish - who phoned out of the blue. I did ask him if he’d misdialled and he said no he’d tried to speak to me. But I just find that too much stepping over boundaries for me. I want prior notice, arrange a time and with my previous calls they also texted before calling just to check I was still ok to speak. Ooh so polite.
So MrIrish has gone quiet. He also doesn’t have any kids - and given I have three , one still at primary school I need someone who appreciates the responsibilities I have.

I am also msging with MrHaircut - who is 25 min drive away (which is close for me so that’s super). He’s quite pleasant. Not as much of an instant connection as my first meet up date, but flowing ok. Not yet arranged a meet yet. He’s 4 years younger than me , and probably looks even younger - he has naturally gingery brown hair - the type that doesn’t seem to go grey.
Mine is salt and pepper grey - I’m contemplating dyeing it so I don’t look 20 years older than him if we were to meet up![/quote]
I'd only dye your hair if you'd wanted to anyway? Not for him? In any case he's probably used to people his age looking greyer than him 😊

Eesha · 17/04/2021 11:30

@walkigonsuncc i feel this way since my most recent ex 2 months ago. Something feels like it's gone from me. I hope it comes back. I think it's about learning to feel again.

SpringlikeBunk · 17/04/2021 11:31

@walkigonsuncc

Hmmm...I’m wondering about this actually.

Often what I’ve thought of as attraction or butterflies in the past is actually anxiety.

I’ve not got many irons/meets lined up for now - think if I met someone, as long as the guy looks decent and okish and is respectful I’m going to give him a couple of dates and see how it goes?

I actually don’t have a massive sex drive and don’t really want to get into the “highs and lows”’ of intense chemistry.

OP posts:
walkigonsuncc · 17/04/2021 11:34

I've started talking to 2 guys since last night.
1 has asked to meet next weekend
I never fancy many people straight away so will give it a go.
I had 1 date and after he blew me off..it wasn't even a proper date just a coffee.

GaraMedouar · 17/04/2021 11:39

@walkigonsuncc - that’s what I feel . My first date and I had a real connection on the phone - but obviously no chemistry for him in real life. I liked him though and would have liked a second date , him no. I get the feeling he wanted a kapow moment - this is the one type of thing - whereas I was fine to see him again to see what developed. Still gutted as I thought we’d got on so well as two people. We’d really clicked.

I don’t find any of my swipes particularly attractive- they’re ok looking - but I think I’ll be attracted to their personality more anyway than looks.

SpringlikeBunk · 17/04/2021 11:52

@GaraMedouar

Yes I’m the same - Instagram bloke was very good looking which probably explains why he just wanted matches to look at photos of him online Grin

but realistically I’m just going to see what the “pool” of guys who want to meet me and communicate well and behave decently is - if they’re not “exactly” my type but still ok I’ll give it a chance.

A few drinks, nice manners, and a nice date and the right environment can make all the difference

OP posts:
bangheadhere40 · 17/04/2021 11:57

I get very annoyed with men who don't want to meet - why be on there and bother just to chat! I'm sure a huge percentage of them just want a pen pal.

I don't like asking but I think in future I'm just going to ask and if they fob me off then stop talking to them.

Is this best? 🤔

SpringlikeBunk · 17/04/2021 12:05

@bangheadhere40

Yeh I know what you mean - I wouldn’t hesitate about bringing it up sooner?

If it “puts them off” then that’s useful information

Or I think some guys want to manipulate you to send dirty pics/text flirt/make sexy promises before you meet

so they can just “get straight in there” with sex or an invite to yours. Not cool.

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DudeFromThatLondon · 17/04/2021 12:11

@eesha - doesn't sound like he's keeping it a secret?

@walkigonsuncc - I think i'm pretty much like that. I see people that I should fancy and swipe right, but don't really feel much of GAF. I thought @SpringlikeBunk's point about cumulative exposure to micro-aggressions, lies etc.. was spot on. And then as @Eesha says, there's inevitably some complication. On the other hand, it's a beautiful sunny day. :-)

Eesha · 17/04/2021 12:13

@DudeFromThatLondon nope, not a secret so will see what he might come up with if i delve deeper.