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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mil contacting my mum about me

143 replies

Eslteacher06 · 10/04/2021 20:35

I'll try and be brief and objective

I don't get on with my mil. Since having my eldest 5 years ago, I've felt like she doesn't respect my wishes when it comes to my kids and tries to undermine me. My biggest trigger is being ignored which gets me so angry I have been known to snap at her.

Examples over the years include coming out to "help" me put the washing on the line, but really it's to tell me I'm doing it wrong (?!). Or giving my DD juice to bed when I asked her not too. When it's brought up I get "oh it was just a little bit".

When we ask her to babysit, she Huff's and puffs. One time, I needed to take DD2 to a+e overnight when my husband worked away, and she really dragged her heels about looking after DD1. That really upset me

Last lockdown, she was not respecting the rules, and it was driving me mad. Ok, do your thing, but don't expect to come in my house or see me. She also has a drinking problem and was hospitalised last year. She tried to make out it wasn't through drink, but the doctor said otherwise. (She used to send me pissed up texts telling me that I hated her and stuff)

Anyhoo...last August, I had enough. The only thing DH and I argue about is her. He agrees with me many times, but won't tell her to back off unless it gets really bad. And he hates me telling him how bad his mum is.

I've really felt better not being around her, so imagine my surprise that she turns up unannounced on my birthday. I was getting ready upstairs and had no idea why she was there. I didn't want to see her (mainly because I've put on weight since lockdown and I know she will go back saying this to her family). So my husband spoke to her at the door. I found out later she had come to give me a birthday card with money in it. This was completely unexpected because I've not seen or spoken to her for 7 months. I told my husband to tell her thanks.

Imagine my surprise when I speak to my mum that mil had been in contact with her saying how hurt she was that I didn't come to the door?! This isn't the first time she has spoken about me to her.

Am I unreasonable to be annoyed at her speaking to my own mother about me?

How shall I navigate this? I could be dead in a coffin and she'd still complain about me... I'm just tired of being discredited! It feels so unfair!

OP posts:
Original poster
Eslteacher06 · 10/04/2021 20:41

That's long... sorry!

OP posts:
PoutineQueen · 10/04/2021 20:41

Ooh she grassed you up to your mum! Grin

Triffid1 · 10/04/2021 20:41

Why would you not come to the door or, at the very least, send her a message thanking her for the card and the gift?

She sounds annoying so don't blame you for struggling with her somewhat, but she doesn't sound to the levels that you should be NC with her and it seems churlish to not even acknowledge her making an effort.

Thatwentbadly · 10/04/2021 20:42

I’m assuming you have decided to go no contact as you didn’t contact her to say thank you for the birthday gift - is that correct? In which case don’t do anything.

User135792468 · 10/04/2021 20:43

How hard would it have been to go to the door? The woman gave you a card and money, would it have been that hard to text a thank you?

I don’t think she should be running to your mum. However, you do seem to have bad manners. Maybe she thought that your mum would be the only one you’d listen to.

Original poster
Eslteacher06 · 10/04/2021 20:45

I've not spoken to her for 7 months and I had no idea she was at the door with a card for me. I assumed she had come to see my husband. I only knew she was there when I heard her voice.

OP posts:
feistymumma · 10/04/2021 20:46

@User135792468

How hard would it have been to go to the door? The woman gave you a card and money, would it have been that hard to text a thank you?

I don’t think she should be running to your mum. However, you do seem to have bad manners. Maybe she thought that your mum would be the only one you’d listen to.

I completely agree
Original poster
Eslteacher06 · 10/04/2021 20:50

So you'd contact someone you've made clear you've gone no contact with? @User135792468

OP posts:
Triffid1 · 10/04/2021 20:54

Well,you didn't say anything originally about going no contact. You said you hadn't seen her for 7 months, implication being because of Covid. If you've gone NC, that's different (although your examples seem a bit mild for NC). Does she know you want nothing to do with her ever again? Because if you've said that and been clear then quite frankly, who cares what she thinks.

Magnificentmug12 · 10/04/2021 21:00

Grassed you up to your mum! Gutted! 😂

On a serious note though I would go mad, who does she think she is....who does she think you are....a child!?

It was a nice thought but she didn’t do it for that reason did she, she was trying to be manipulative....as she has always down to you before.

abeanbaked · 10/04/2021 21:03

You should've said thank you to her, she did make an effort after all.

I don't think she should have grassed you up to your mum (weird) and she does sound annoying but not NC annoying.

Original poster
Eslteacher06 · 10/04/2021 21:05

Sorry, I haven't made it clear. I've not been around her because I just can't deal with her constantly having to push against everything I say. She knows Ive gone no contact, but she seems to think after a bit, everything is back to normal, when it's not.

And when I snap, she tells people (my DH) that I hate her and I'm trying to stop her seeing her grandkids (I never have or will). She's sent drunken texts to me and DH making all sorts of assumptions about me.

I don't care about her, but it upsets me she talks to my husband and mum without me having chance to explain why. It just causes so much grief. When I'm trying to keep away from it.

OP posts:
RaiseTheBeastie · 10/04/2021 21:08

You didn't mention going nc op.

Does mil know?

RaiseTheBeastie · 10/04/2021 21:10

It's your husbands mother.

If you've gone nc because she irritates you by giving washing advice and gave a bit of juice to your dc you're being completely unreasonable.

If dh did this to one of my family without good reason it would be LTB territory.

Regularsizedrudy · 10/04/2021 21:13

The washing line and juice is pretty low level stuff. Annoying but not the end of the world. And the texts saying you hate her.. well it sounds like she’s right!

User135792468 · 10/04/2021 21:14

@Eslteacher06 I wouldn’t say you made clear you were no contact. I also assumed it was due to Covid. It doesn’t sound like she knows your no contact though otherwise why would she rock up with a card and gift?

I agree with pp, she does sound annoying but not no contact annoying. She is your husbands mum and having you in his ear about his mum must be hard. I’m shocked you’re surprised that he hates hearing how bad his mum is?!? That is his mother. Imagine if he was constantly telling you how much he hates your mum. Even if you knew she can be annoying, you wouldn’t like anyone else saying it.

These threads make me sad. I have three boys myself and my heart would break if one of my boys married someone who thought that way about me and went no contact for what sounds like petty reasons. If you truly loved your husband, you would whack a smile on your face, make small talk occasionally and then go and bitch about her to your own mum or friends instead of your poor husband.

Original poster
Eslteacher06 · 10/04/2021 21:14

Yes, she knows, but like her stints in hospital after having an accident while drunk (multiple fractures in her skull, aspiration pneumonia, black eyes from falling over), she brushes it under the carpet and makes out it's me who is the problem.

People's react here is exactly what she wants to hear. How dare I be so rude? However, I would never ever do that under normal circumstances. I didn't know that was her reason for coming over.

OP posts:
Gumandbass · 10/04/2021 21:17

So you have been known to snap at her, you don't care about her but yet when you need her for child care you want her to snap to it. Her biggest crimes seem to be giving a little juice & having a different opinion on hanging out washing. She is your husband's mother & your child's grandmother, are you not mature enough to be civil to her for a few hours every couple of wks. It was rude not to show your face, come on it doesn't take a genius to work out why she was there on your birthday offering an olive branch.

imalmostthere · 10/04/2021 21:19

Why are you asking her to babysit if she's a raging alcoholic?

SpaceOp · 10/04/2021 21:19

So you have had multiple people telling you that you haven't been clear that you're NC, your reasons for NC seem a bit excessive and that you're frankly being a bit rude, but you're doubling down with "people's react here is exactly what she wants to hear." Clearly everyone is getting her side and has been fooled by her. Grin

Aprilshowersandhail · 10/04/2021 21:20

Show your dm how to block mil!! Tbh suggesting an alcoholic watch your dc wasn't a great move. However much you needed a babysitter...

Oldbutstillgotit · 10/04/2021 21:22

Did you keep the money ?

Original poster
Eslteacher06 · 10/04/2021 21:26

It's a drop in the ocean telling you about the juice and washing line. I could write pages of stuff but the best way to describe it, it's a death by a thousand cuts. She just ignores my wishes when it comes to my kids and home. And then tells everyone how she is the victim and I'm an arsehole basically

I've tried sitting her down to say this is affecting the relationship with her son and we agreed to tell each other when we were upset.... didn't work. I tried ignoring it/firing back/being passive aggressive/asking DH to deal with it... nothing worked for long. I've never been more at peace than I have the last 7 months. He sees her with the kids and I get some time to myself...no awkward moments... surely that's better than me being around her and there being an atmosphere (from both of us)?

OP posts:
MsMarch · 10/04/2021 21:35

I understand the concept of death by a thousand cuts, but reading your posts it does seem that you really do take all these little cuts very seriously. It's true that I often think that MILs on MN get treated quite badly. They can't do the smallest thing without being accused of undermining their DIL etc and I'm afraid you do seem to fall into this category.

Ginevere · 10/04/2021 21:35

Tell your mum you didn’t speak to her because you are NC.

Tell your DH to give her the money back and explain you don’t want it because you are NC.

Easy!