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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mil contacting my mum about me

143 replies

Eslteacher06 · 10/04/2021 20:35

I'll try and be brief and objective

I don't get on with my mil. Since having my eldest 5 years ago, I've felt like she doesn't respect my wishes when it comes to my kids and tries to undermine me. My biggest trigger is being ignored which gets me so angry I have been known to snap at her.

Examples over the years include coming out to "help" me put the washing on the line, but really it's to tell me I'm doing it wrong (?!). Or giving my DD juice to bed when I asked her not too. When it's brought up I get "oh it was just a little bit".

When we ask her to babysit, she Huff's and puffs. One time, I needed to take DD2 to a+e overnight when my husband worked away, and she really dragged her heels about looking after DD1. That really upset me

Last lockdown, she was not respecting the rules, and it was driving me mad. Ok, do your thing, but don't expect to come in my house or see me. She also has a drinking problem and was hospitalised last year. She tried to make out it wasn't through drink, but the doctor said otherwise. (She used to send me pissed up texts telling me that I hated her and stuff)

Anyhoo...last August, I had enough. The only thing DH and I argue about is her. He agrees with me many times, but won't tell her to back off unless it gets really bad. And he hates me telling him how bad his mum is.

I've really felt better not being around her, so imagine my surprise that she turns up unannounced on my birthday. I was getting ready upstairs and had no idea why she was there. I didn't want to see her (mainly because I've put on weight since lockdown and I know she will go back saying this to her family). So my husband spoke to her at the door. I found out later she had come to give me a birthday card with money in it. This was completely unexpected because I've not seen or spoken to her for 7 months. I told my husband to tell her thanks.

Imagine my surprise when I speak to my mum that mil had been in contact with her saying how hurt she was that I didn't come to the door?! This isn't the first time she has spoken about me to her.

Am I unreasonable to be annoyed at her speaking to my own mother about me?

How shall I navigate this? I could be dead in a coffin and she'd still complain about me... I'm just tired of being discredited! It feels so unfair!

OP posts:
Eviethyme · 11/04/2021 07:55

To be honest I feel bad for her....
She may not be the best person to be around but my guess is that she's struggling with her own demons.

She may be lonely and trying to find a way back in and she obviously doesn't know why The NC is happening.

JennyBond · 11/04/2021 07:55

@DollyMinx

Your DH kept his mum on the doorstep when she called round?
Why’s that weird? Maybe they don’t have a garden? Or it was raining? Doesn’t sound like they’re in a support bubble so she can’t go inside.
Saltyslug · 11/04/2021 08:03

It is impossibly difficult having a functioning alcoholic as a parent in law. I’m not surprised it’s driven you to the edge and you’re irritated by a ton of small things (as well as the big things)

In your shoes I’d maintain no contact day to day while being consistently polite (Thankyous for gifts) so that you are low contact rather then no contact. You’re being polite but putting firm boundaries in.

Secondly your husband needs to organise a weekly park meet up with your mum so that she sees the kids routinely on a set day each week for a couple of hours. Saturday mornings or what ever. Could be a park, soft play, cafe or what ever.

A functioning alcoholic will always put drink first above safety of children. Acceptance that you can’t rely on her is upsetting but sensible.

Saltyslug · 11/04/2021 08:11

Lastly it was fine not to go to the door, you were getting ready. You could have been in the bath or asleep or having sex and unable to go to the door. It would be polite to text a thankyou. Don’t get into conversation.

longwayoff · 11/04/2021 08:12

You grudgingly accepted an unwanted gift from your MIL and didn't speak to her to either thank her or return it. You are mannerless. So is she, apparently, but at least she has alcohol to explain her behaviour. Everyone has annoying relatives, they're part of life.

LittleRa · 11/04/2021 08:12

@Saltyslug

Lastly it was fine not to go to the door, you were getting ready. You could have been in the bath or asleep or having sex and unable to go to the door. It would be polite to text a thankyou. Don’t get into conversation.
Hopefully she wasn’t having sex, seeing as her husband was at the door talking to MIL Grin
Mummyoflittledragon · 11/04/2021 08:19

Low contact is always easier than NC. You are complaining about her rudeness, being difficult and disrespectful yet are acting in the same manner. NC is a very extreme reaction and very difficult to maintain when other people in the household including your children see that person. Tbh you’re cutting your nose off to spite your face by having no contact whatsoever with your children’s grandparent. You may need to be there to advocate for your children at some stage.

Ffsffsffsffsffs · 11/04/2021 09:20

@User135792468

She’s a functioning alcoholic and you’re sipping petty potion. Come on Op, life is too short for such nonsense. Surely the past year has showed you that? Accept that you don’t like her but she is still your husbands mother and grandmother to your children. The sooner you do, I think you’ll be happier.
Said by someone who has quite obviously never been in this situation OP.

Yes she is your husbands mother, and your children's grandmother, but YOU are her son's wife, and her grandchildrens mother. Respect in any relationship goes both ways. If she can't/won't understand that then op is absolutely within her right to withdraw from the relationship.

Original poster
Eslteacher06 · 11/04/2021 09:22

@ButterPopcorn she knows I'm no contact. But doesn't seem to believe it. It's like dealing with someone with dementia. I've tried to tell her many times in a calm way that she needs to stop undermining me. She won't accept or see another point of view, even if you sit her down and tell her clearly. I do feel sorry for her to a certain extent but her behaviour really upsets me, and at times, my husband. It's destructive, so I got off the gravy train.

My mum lives in Europe. I have no family nearby.

@DollyMinx we're not allowed people in our house because..... we're in a pandemic. She's not in our support bubble because she hasn't taken Covid seriously and looks after her mother.

Long term, low contact maybe best as I may need to be my children's advocate. I'm just trying to set boundaries very clearly as she pisses all over them if I give her half a chance. DH does see her regularly with the kids, so it's not like she doesn't see them.

@Saltyslug...I can assure you no sex was being had when she was at the door 🤣

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 11/04/2021 09:28

These sound very petty things to get wound up about and you clearly can’t stand her. Ans she’s clearly not understanding why and struggling with it. To be honest, I’m not really sure any of us understand why as the examples are so petty.

I think your husband needs to talk to her and explain you never wish to see her again and he should never have taken the card and rhe money. He should habe returned it. I’ve no idea why you accepted it and sent thanks.

Original poster
Eslteacher06 · 11/04/2021 09:51

I don't hate her, but she is highly irritating, even DH feels that. DH and mil know I'm no contact.

All conversations are about herself or they lead back to her. She doesn't listen, then rewrites history and tells her family these stories about me as if they are fact. It's always about how she is a victim, especially when she sends drunken text messages to DH about me.

She undermines me. When she did look after DD, I'd have to show so much gratitude, it didn't seem worth her doing it. She would say some very blunt offensive things, but then say she was joking.

If this was about DH acting like this, I'm pretty sure most of you would say LTB. I'm struggling to understand why I should have to put up with this behaviour? Thank you to those that get it though. Maybe it's one of those where you have to be in the situation to understand.

OP posts:
Saltyslug · 11/04/2021 09:53

That would have given your mother in law something to grumble about 😂

Saltyslug · 11/04/2021 09:57

The other thing you can do is what I used to do with my mil. Go no contact each time she was badly behaved - for a couple of months only. Then have more relaxed low contact following that. Repeat two months of no contact each time behaviour is poor. After a while she caught on and started behaving a bit better. It was a bit like training a dog

brushlaptop · 11/04/2021 09:59

Don't do anything she sounds really annoying. Hopefully she won't turn up with any more cards and money 😂

Mrsjayy · 11/04/2021 10:00

You hate your mil but expected her to baby sit you hate your mil but had her around your house you stopped speaking to her but she didn't know that. It all sounds so confusing nobody is clear what is going on but everyone is whinging behind everyone's back!

Bluntness100 · 11/04/2021 10:01

He should have just said no to thr card. I don’t understand why you both accepted it and you sent thanks. If you’re no contact with someone then you say thanks but not thanks, I can’t accept this.

mellowtimes · 11/04/2021 10:10

Your dh keeping his mum on the doorstep whilst accepting her olive branch for you is low.

Nicolastuffedone · 11/04/2021 10:12

[quote Eslteacher06]@ButterPopcorn she knows I'm no contact. But doesn't seem to believe it. It's like dealing with someone with dementia. I've tried to tell her many times in a calm way that she needs to stop undermining me. She won't accept or see another point of view, even if you sit her down and tell her clearly. I do feel sorry for her to a certain extent but her behaviour really upsets me, and at times, my husband. It's destructive, so I got off the gravy train.

My mum lives in Europe. I have no family nearby.

@DollyMinx we're not allowed people in our house because..... we're in a pandemic. She's not in our support bubble because she hasn't taken Covid seriously and looks after her mother.

Long term, low contact maybe best as I may need to be my children's advocate. I'm just trying to set boundaries very clearly as she pisses all over them if I give her half a chance. DH does see her regularly with the kids, so it's not like she doesn't see them.

@Saltyslug...I can assure you no sex was being had when she was at the door 🤣[/quote]
Maybe it’s because of those ‘multiple skull fractures’

mellowtimes · 11/04/2021 10:13

@Bluntness100

He should have just said no to thr card. I don’t understand why you both accepted it and you sent thanks. If you’re no contact with someone then you say thanks but not thanks, I can’t accept this.
She didn’t send thanks though, she got her oh to do that. After her oh kept his own mother on their doorstep whilst accepting the ‘olive branch’. Seems the OP is used to getting her own way. Pity her husband hasn’t got more balls and an ounce of loyalty to his own mother.
LookItsMeAgain · 11/04/2021 10:15

If I were in your shoes, I'd have to tell my mother that she is no longer to discuss you or your children with your MiL if MiL contacts your mum. She is free to talk about absolutely everything else but just not that. She has to change the topic of conversation if MiL brings it up or your mum is to keep it very light in her responses "Oh, they are fine thanks for asking" that kind of thing.
Another suggestion - whatever money your MiL has given in her card, you could donate it to AA or AlAnon or Women's Aid and then thank her for the gift which you have donated to which ever charity you chose.

Just my 2c on it.

Bluntness100 · 11/04/2021 10:17

She didn’t send thanks though, she got her oh to do that

Um she said “told my husband to tell her thanks” . It’s the very definition of sending thanks. Confused

mellowtimes · 11/04/2021 10:24

@Bluntness100

She didn’t send thanks though, she got her oh to do that

Um she said “told my husband to tell her thanks” . It’s the very definition of sending thanks. Confused

Is it? Well, I guess it’s considered ‘acceptable’. I mean, she got her OH to keep his own mother on their doorstep with the gift so I suppose anything goes really then. I think the OP is a self indulgent princess in my very humble opinion. M’lud.
Original poster
Eslteacher06 · 11/04/2021 11:28

Omg some of the comments on here....he kept her on the doorstep..... BECAUSE...WE...ARE...IN...A...PAN...DEM...IC. We are not allowed people in our house. Or maybe you guys are not following Government guidelines? Blimey...is that you MIL? lol

@Bluntness100...my husband took the card because he felt awkward if he said no.

In one breath people are saying I'm rude for not saying hello, but in another that my husband shouldn't have accepted the card...

It's not about the card. My birthday was a few weeks ago. I found out yesterday that she had been to my mum saying how rude I was, making out I was blanking her....when I've not seen or spoken to her since August. Not at Christmas. Not on her birthday. Not on my husband's birthday. Not on my daughter's birthday. Why would I all-of-a-sudden see her now?

@Saltyslug...I think you make a good suggestion. It's likely she will become clear why she's unreasonable and may actually tone her behaviour down.

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 11/04/2021 11:34

The OP has said that her DH and the MiL in question both know she is No Contact (NC) with MiL.
MiL rocks up to their house on OP's birthday with a card and money in the card. This isn't seen as pushing boundaries??
The MiL keeps disregarding the OP's requests to be left alone, to not do or give her child things that the OP doesn't want given to their child.

I've read so many threads on MN where the MiL's have completely disregarded either their own son or DiL's requests and the MiL has been given a much harder time than the one here is getting.

I don't see the OP as a "self indulgent princess" as someone upthread so eloquently put it.

WeekendCEO · 11/04/2021 11:35

If you are NC with someone and they choose to try to ignore it and give you a gift, why should you say thank you? They’re rude trying to control and manipulate you into conversing with them again by giving a gift. I’ve had this happen to me, the card goes in the recycling and I donate the money to a charity.
OP, you’ve made you’re decision to go NC. You’ve said you feel better since making the decision. Just get on with you’re life now. Ignore any of her nonsense, even her talking to your mum. She’s trying to manipulate everyone into thinking she’s a victim in this. Best to just ignore.