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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mil contacting my mum about me

143 replies

Eslteacher06 · 10/04/2021 20:35

I'll try and be brief and objective

I don't get on with my mil. Since having my eldest 5 years ago, I've felt like she doesn't respect my wishes when it comes to my kids and tries to undermine me. My biggest trigger is being ignored which gets me so angry I have been known to snap at her.

Examples over the years include coming out to "help" me put the washing on the line, but really it's to tell me I'm doing it wrong (?!). Or giving my DD juice to bed when I asked her not too. When it's brought up I get "oh it was just a little bit".

When we ask her to babysit, she Huff's and puffs. One time, I needed to take DD2 to a+e overnight when my husband worked away, and she really dragged her heels about looking after DD1. That really upset me

Last lockdown, she was not respecting the rules, and it was driving me mad. Ok, do your thing, but don't expect to come in my house or see me. She also has a drinking problem and was hospitalised last year. She tried to make out it wasn't through drink, but the doctor said otherwise. (She used to send me pissed up texts telling me that I hated her and stuff)

Anyhoo...last August, I had enough. The only thing DH and I argue about is her. He agrees with me many times, but won't tell her to back off unless it gets really bad. And he hates me telling him how bad his mum is.

I've really felt better not being around her, so imagine my surprise that she turns up unannounced on my birthday. I was getting ready upstairs and had no idea why she was there. I didn't want to see her (mainly because I've put on weight since lockdown and I know she will go back saying this to her family). So my husband spoke to her at the door. I found out later she had come to give me a birthday card with money in it. This was completely unexpected because I've not seen or spoken to her for 7 months. I told my husband to tell her thanks.

Imagine my surprise when I speak to my mum that mil had been in contact with her saying how hurt she was that I didn't come to the door?! This isn't the first time she has spoken about me to her.

Am I unreasonable to be annoyed at her speaking to my own mother about me?

How shall I navigate this? I could be dead in a coffin and she'd still complain about me... I'm just tired of being discredited! It feels so unfair!

OP posts:
Original poster
Eslteacher06 · 10/04/2021 21:37

She's a functioning alcoholic. She's fine in the day, but at night, that's when she drinks. I didn't know the extent until the hospitalisations. Everyone around her enables it in some way, but I couldn't, which is why I'm the bad guy to some extent.

We have no family to help with childcare and my DH didn't think she would drink in our house, but she was once half cooked after looking after my daughter, and I told her she wasn't allowed to drink in my house ever. Hence probably not wanting to look after my daughter in an emergency overnight. What do I do in that situation? I was in A+E for 8 hours overnight.

If I didn't keep the money, I'd get her complaining about that. I'm happy to give it back, but how do I do that? I've put it in the kids savings account and told DH to tell her that.

OP posts:
CommanderBurnham · 10/04/2021 21:37

Just ignore her. But at least have the grace to return the money back.

ColourfulElmerElephant · 10/04/2021 21:41

The fact you’ve gone no contact and she knows that makes things very different. Your husband shouldn’t have accepted the card or money and your mother should have just told her she wasn’t involved in your relationship and ended the conversation.

Just carry on with no contact and definitely don’t ask her for babysitting again, even if your husband is away and you need to go to A&E.

Original poster
Eslteacher06 · 10/04/2021 21:46

She hasn't looked after my children since before lockdown. I don't expect any help from her at all now.

I asked her if she wanted to pick DD up from school nursery once a week to have time with her (before lockdown)...I got every excuse under the sun why she couldn't. But when I went NC, she was insistent about collecting her from school in September and telling DH I was stopping her seeing her grandkids (I wasn't).

But I know if she started doing that, she'd complain to family that she "had" to do it and I was ungrateful. 🤷

OP posts:
User135792468 · 10/04/2021 21:51

She’s a functioning alcoholic and you’re sipping petty potion. Come on Op, life is too short for such nonsense. Surely the past year has showed you that? Accept that you don’t like her but she is still your husbands mother and grandmother to your children. The sooner you do, I think you’ll be happier.

autumnalrain · 10/04/2021 21:51

Just basic manners to say thank you (directly to the person) if someone gets you a gift/card

Rockbird · 10/04/2021 22:02

Different situation but my MIL and I got off to a rocky start and she called my mother to discuss me. Biggest mistake she ever made, I was livid! That was 23 years ago and I love her to bits now, we're genuine best friends but she was a nightmare at first and I probably wasn't the easiest.

So while it doesn't sound like you want or are able to mend your relationship with her, purely on the contacting your mother thing, I totally get you.

Original poster
Eslteacher06 · 10/04/2021 22:07

@User135792468

As I said, I've felt so much better since I went no contact. No more arguments! She's not out of my kids life. They see her regularly.....far more than my own mother, who lives abroad.

I just wish she wouldn't talk about me with my own family. I don't feel she had any right to bring my mum into it. But most posters seem to think that's ok 🤔

OP posts:
User135792468 · 10/04/2021 22:18

@Eslteacher06 I completely agree with you that going to tattletale to your mum is not okay and I completely understand why you’re irritated by it.

Based on what you have said though, it seems extreme to go to a lifetime of no contact and ultimately, I do think that seeing her but keeping your distance is probably better. Your child will one day notice that you are no contact and ask why. Don’t let her think it’s normal as she could then take that into her own relationship one day. Imagine how you’d feel if your child married someone who hated you and refused to speak to you for trivial (albeit numerous) reasons and was in your child’s ear about it all the time.

My mother in law is a royal pita. She is renowned amongst my friends for her verbal diarrhoea. I have also had many arguments with my husband over the years. Just seeing her face irritates the crap out of me but we muddle along quite well and everyone is happy. She recently bought me an Easter egg but advised me to maybe share it with my husband because after all the lockdown weight I’ve put on, I must be back on my diet Confused. After many years, I’ve come to accept that she’s not malicious, just not particularly bright.

Original poster
Eslteacher06 · 10/04/2021 22:32

I think I've got the same mil going by what you've said... it's that kind of thing really. Like mentioning that I still look pregnant the day after I've given birth... just don't need it.

I just can't deal with it, especially at the moment. I just needed to break the cycle. The main reason I stayed upstairs was mainly cause I knew she would comment on my weight, and I don't need it.

But I appreciate your insight.

OP posts:
WeekendCEO · 10/04/2021 22:45

She sounds like a fucking nightmare OP. I’d be no contact with her as well. I think your husband should have stood up for you much more than it sounds like he has in the past.

What did your mum say when she contacted her? My mum would have told her to piss off. My MIL tried to undermine me for years. I slowly reduced contact and now I don’t see her. Life is good. 😊

LivBa · 10/04/2021 23:31

@User135792468

She’s a functioning alcoholic and you’re sipping petty potion. Come on Op, life is too short for such nonsense. Surely the past year has showed you that? Accept that you don’t like her but she is still your husbands mother and grandmother to your children. The sooner you do, I think you’ll be happier.
Yes, this. Certainly this MIL sounds annoying but good grief how petty and nasty to go NC with your own husband's mum and your children's grandma for something like this!! Confused

Really don't blame women who favour having daughters over sons so they're not at the mercy of DILs.

The OP should be careful as she may be in her MIL's shoes with a future daughter in law one day and be completely at her mercy with access to grandkids and cut off from her own son's home.

Original poster
Eslteacher06 · 10/04/2021 23:48

My mum doesn't want to rock the boat so let her say what she wanted...I have told her to just say she doesn't want to get involved, but she doesn't want to say it. :(

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 11/04/2021 00:41

Whilst she sounds irritating, you also seem like hard work tbh. Sometimes a bit of tolerance for your in-laws is necessary for harmony.

It sounds like you snapping at her, was not an occasional thing either.

She's going to be in your life for a while and you should have sent her a message to thank her for the card and gift. NC over the incidents you've described, seems like an overreaction.

Jesskir89 · 11/04/2021 00:43

Op my nana is a functioning alcoholic and I'm pretty much NC with her BUT.... I would never ask her to babysit. And when she's sent gifts I've always thanked her. Going off what you've said and what you've said alone I think you're making things difficult for your dh

Original poster
Eslteacher06 · 11/04/2021 07:07

As I said, DH and I didn't know she was a functioning alcoholic. I certainly didn't know the extent of it because she minimalises it and the family pretend it doesn't happen. I can't change the past on that one.

I can be "hard work", especially if I ask someone to stop saying things that I find offensive, but they keep doing it. Or they come into my home and criticise the way I do things and then DH get drunken texts about me.

I really have tried with his family. But there have been no arguments since I NC. Surely that's a good thing? Interesting many of you think I've done the wrong thing in NC. The original post wasn't about that anyway, but about her contacting my family to slag me off.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 11/04/2021 07:19

If I was your mum I’d be redirecting your MIL back to you and telling her to stop telling tales & it’s not surprising there are problems between the two of you if this is how she behaves coming running to me with Half a tale

DollyMinx · 11/04/2021 07:21

Your DH kept his mum on the doorstep when she called round?

PomegranateQueen · 11/04/2021 07:22

Why would she want to provide regular childcare when she gets snapped at and told off for silly things like giving DGCs a bit of juice? She probably feels like she is walking on eggshells with you and she is only good enough when you have no other childcare options.

She shouldn't have gone to your mum but she probably thinks that's the only way to communicate with you after her failed attempt at the gift.

user1493494961 · 11/04/2021 07:25

Sounds like six of one and half a dozen of the other.

Oneeyeopen · 11/04/2021 07:26

Op i understand how you feel.
I'm NC with a family member. They sent me a card and gift on my birthday and due to distance I would have had to post it back.
I kept it and said nothing.
You didn't ask your mil to send a card with money in. You don't have to reply in this situation.
As for your mil ringing your dm just ignore.
I don't speak about my family member, I ignore whatever they do. I don't care if they talk about me.
To be truly NC you need to do the same.
I wouldn't have even got your dh to say thanks.
It's your choice how to react.
Currently you're still allowing your mil to affect your life.

NoGoodPunsLeft · 11/04/2021 07:34

If you hadn't mentioned the card & started a thread about going LC/NC with your MIL because she's an alcoholic & does xyz, so many posters would be supporting you so the way this thread has gone is weird.

My MIL is of the always thinks she's right/she knows how to raise children best variety and it got to the point of reducing contact because i couldn't stand being undermined anymore and it was such a relief. I think your DH & DC seeing her without you is the best way to go, you don't need to see her.

NoGoodPunsLeft · 11/04/2021 07:36

and unless .you have someone in your life who undermines you and your parenting decisions it is hard to understand how frustrating it is. My MIL used to do something of specifically said no to and it drove me bonkers

ButterPopcorn · 11/04/2021 07:46

Where does your mum live, far away?

I think people are confused about the fact you’ve gone NC as you said in the OP the main reason you didn’t come down to see her at the door was that you’ve put on weight.

Does MIL, DH and your mum know you’ve gone NC?

Littlepaws18 · 11/04/2021 07:47

You were rude. You could have come to the door and spoke to her. She was offering an olive branch and you jumped on it. Yes she maybe awkward to deal with but the examples you have given are annoying but not something to go NC over (admittedly the babysitting on and a and e was bad)